New Day Job

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 4/16/14

A burden has been lifted. I have attained the income I was seeking. This income will feed my prosperity. I have some remaining steps to take. There is a background check. I have some time to get my office at home in order before I begin. I have vacation time now that will allow me to continue with my Sacred Intimacy training. Sacred Intimacy has such a broad meaning to me. How shall I use it to heal myself and others?

Everything feels perfect. I feel relieved. I feel at peace.

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This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/17/14

The first part of my vision statement is to grow my prosperity in support of my mission. The idea of working for my new company is kind of foreign. I should be well suited to it. It provides vacation time I need to continue my training. It should be mellow enough that I can continue growing my SI practice. I'm not sure what that looks like now.

This seems ideal.

I will have plenty of sessions to help heal and grow during In the Garden of Life. I wanted this before I did Advanced SI Training, but I wasn't invited to Advanced SI Training, either.

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This is a journal entry from Saturday 4/19/14

I want to make a habit of setting an intention at the start of every day. I'd also like to start exploring the wounds I want to heal at In the Garden of Life. I still have deep seated shame that makes me lack confidence when expressing myself. I often have a sense that I'm not aware of what I actually want to do. I don't really know what brings me joy.

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This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/20/14

How do I want to change? My experience at Dear Love of Comrades was profound. I came away completely open. I was aware and loving. I felt comfortable talking to people. I lost my fear.

I feel guarded again. Shielded. At Dear Love of Comrades, my heart was cracked open. I felt loved and appreciated. It was magical. Can I experience more of that? I was deeply in my power. I came home with my power. I feel like I've lost that - in spite of getting my new job.

I want to step deeply back into my power again.

I want to cry.

I want to be affirmed.

I want to unlock my power. I want to feel free, but not just at the event. I want to take my freedom with me. I need to find it's source within me. I want to let it flow.

How would that change my life? Would I still work for a company? I would be in touch with my power. How I made money wouldn't matter much.

Sacred Intimacy really is different than sex work, even though I consider sex work to be sacred. Sacred Intimacy is about touching someone on the deepest levels. It's a spiritual sex, but sex is love. It's treating a client as God. God is my Master. I serve God in my clients.

Sacred Intimacy is holding someone in my arms and allowing them to grieve the passing of their soul mate.

Sacred Intimacy is witnessing someone as they come to terms with a fatal disease and celebrating their lives.

Sacred Intimacy is giving someone what they need when they have no idea what that is.

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This is a journal entry from Tuesday 4/22/14

• HIV
• Death
• Daddy/Fuck/Death
• Childhood Nickname
• It had nothing to do with me
• Crying
• If I want to feel loved, I must love myself.

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This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/24/14

I'm doing the legwork for my new job. I'm still a little nervous this could derail. My first day isn't until the end of May, but I'm thinking ahead to how my day to day life will be. I want to make sure that I schedule time for spirit and body. I want to continue building my own business.

My mission is to make the world better. My vision is about growing my prosperity in support of that mission, living my life out loud, completing my training and teaching what I've learned. My new job grows my prosperity. How do I see the other aspects of my vision?

I want to safely be more authentic at work, which is hard to pin down. I's not talking about Sacred Intimacy at work, necessarily. It's what I was talking about a few days ago, being open hearted. It's about overflowing with power so I can feel present talking with anyone. I suppose I'll know when I'm not that, but how do I nourish myself enough to be so over flowing? That's something I must do.

Then there's completing my training and teaching what I've learned. I was specifically thinking about the Yoga of Sex class, but also about more Sacred Intimacy training. I'll teach through videos and Sacred Intimacy sessions.

I'm looking for a relaxed pace to my days. That's 8 hours of work, plus my Orgasmic Yoga sessions, plus working out at the gym. I was going to say "plus nourishing myself," but I feel that should be built into my Orgasmic Yoga sessions - or better yet done continuously.

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This is a journal entry from Saturday 4/26/14

I've been thinking I need to increase my energy level, but I'm not sure that's true. Right now, increased energy might just feed directly into tension. I often feel that I'm stuck when I'm trying to work on a task, that I'm out of energy, but maybe it's just that what I'm trying to do isn't in alignment with my soul. The best thing I could do would be to totally go with the flow, let my energy direct me instead of trying to direct it.

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This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/27/14

I want to find a deeper level of exposure. It's very easy for me to be naked, but I still hide the deeper parts of myself. I do this so well that I feel I don't know myself very well.

I don't feel comfortable being myself in front of others, but I'm not sure I know what "being myself" means for me. I'm better with people I've met through Body Electric. Ultimately, it's just letting myself relax. I don't think it has to do with trying to find ways to shock people, but maybe that might help me to be desensitized to my fears.

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This is a journal entry from Wednesday 4/30/14

I'm waiting for the background check for the job to be completed. Everything should be fine, but I'm in limbo. There may even be a fall back job if something unexpected happens. There's no reason not to relax, but my ego wants to know what's next.

I turn my attention back to In the Garden of Life. This is a one-of-a-kind opportunity to do some deep healing and get closer to my soul. The most important thing to me is in finding my voice, or being willing to be seen. What do I mean?

I feel like I hold back, and it's draining. I don't feel equal to the people around me. I feel I exist at their pleasure. I don't feel equal. I've always felt the need to protect myself. I'm resisting this train of thought. How can I feel equal? How can I learn to feel safe letting my guard down? If I knew how, I could try it and learn to feel safe. Unfortunately, it's just a vague feeling of being less than anyone else. Where did it come from? Is it because I think of them as being separate? Even my biological family doesn't feel safe. The men I've net through Body Electric and my erotic training are loving and supportive. How can I recognize every human being as a reflection of myself? How can I feel safe? I need to feel myself as I feel for other people, an unpredictable force of nature.

How do I know when I'm being myself? If I notice I'm not being myself, what do I do?

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Status Update

I haven't had any clients this year, but it hasn't been a high priority. Several weeks ago, Joseph Kramer decided to pay me for an educational video that is now posted on his site. This is a great boost to my esteem as an educational erotic video producer. It is part of his course: Your Junk is Someone's Treasure.

In the past I've mentioned having mission and vision statements. The first line of my vision statement is "...to grow my prosperity in support of my mission." It has been a priority. While I believe in my skills as a Sacred Intimate and video producer, I couldn't see any way to earn enough money to support myself and my erotic eduction. Previously, I had entertained calls from recruiters. These never really panned out. I didn't resonate with the jobs and apparently I didn't resonate with the prospective employers. I began meeting up with old coworkers and heard about a job. This was the first position I actually pursued. It pays well, offers insurance coverage, has many holidays, and includes three weeks of vacation per year. I was very happy when I was offered the position. I hadn't posted about it until this week because I needed to pass a background check (employment verification) and drug test. Everything finally came into place on Monday. My first day of work is May 27th.

One benefit of this company is that the vacation time is immediately available. Therefore I have put down a deposit for In the Garden of Life for this summer. I wanted to do some more deep healing before asking to attend Advanced Sacred Intimacy Training. I am excited and scared of the fears, tears, and laughter I hope to experience.

I haven't had a full time job in a year. I had no idea I had the resources to go this long without appreciable income. I'm not sure how to handle 8 hour days anymore. The first month, I will focus on taking care of and being gentle with myself.

Your Junk is Someone's Treasure

My video is up at The New School of Erotic Touch as part of the class called Your Junk is Someone's Treasure.

This video chronicles one of Rex Harley's daily Orgasmic Yoga sessions. "My practice typically involves self erotic massage with heart pleasuring or erotic trance dancing. The sessions usually last between 40 and 60 minutes.  My intentions for my Orgasmic Yoga practice are to unleash my healing ability, to reconnect my heart with my genitals, to become more aware, and to remember what is important." In this session he consciously focuses on heart pleasuring which involves generating energy in the genitals and then pumping that energy up through the body to the heart.

Interview Preparations

This is a journal entry from Monday 3/17/14

I haven't chosen the course of my week. The app is very important to me, but I don't want it to consume me. It's more than setting priorities. It's about feeling whole.

I know what I need to do. I believe that, but I don't necessarily want to do what I need to do. While I know it leads to freedom, it feels hard. I hide the answers from myself. I need to remember that it leads to freedom. Right now, all I see is soul crushingly meaningless work so that I can survive in the world. If I had been quicker to adapt, maybe I'd have the income stream I want now.

 I am free already.

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This is a journal entry from Wednesday 3/19/14

I've been focusing on what I need to do. Today, I'd like to focus on what I want to do. Today, I should let my creativity shine. I wish to feel free.

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What can I imagine today? Let me open myself to inspiration. I'm still focusing on making money, my prosperity. I've turned my attention back to software development to support my mission, but I am tired of working for others. Can I write enough apps that they will generate income? Can I write a book about spiritual sex?


I don't have time to work for someone else. I need to write my book and my apps. I need to make my videos. But I need income now. I can't wait another six months while I write. Where is my time going?

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This is a journal entry from Friday 3/21/14

My frustration has been up. It's about money. I feel that I need an income and the best chance of that is to do the job I used to do. I'm also aware that I was not happy with that. It was draining. I had no energy to write my own software or work as a Sacred Intimate.

I think I need money to support my mission, but I also need time and energy. I haven't had a job in nearly a year. Stepping into my power, I know what is mine to do. One of my weaknesses is to believe that I don't know what to do. Often it's to avoid doing something I don't want to do or am afraid to do. Maybe I'm guessing. I don't have any concrete examples.

Testing my theory, what do I want to avoid? I don't want to go back to what I was doing before. I can't take working for my last company. Maybe any company I work for would be the same. I don't want to be beat down again. I'm afraid of trying to communicate my skills to interviewers who only think of technical questions with right and wrong answers, all the things that can be looked up. But then miss the point that I'll do anything to get the job done. I'm tired.

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This is a journal entry from Wednesday 3/26/14

I'm ruminating on a couple of ideas. One is how to communicate what I actually offer during an interview. Another is a professed belief that knowledge workers are more productive when they get enough rest, have fun, and are not in fear of losing their jobs.

I'm going to the second one first because it bothers me most. I want to push myself hard to get a job and keep it. I want to skip my time at the gym and get to work faster. I want to put more pressure on myself because I feel stressed. I want to stop being uncomfortable and I think the key to that is to push hard and get it over with. I conveniently forget how challenging it is to work for someone else.

I think I should put my money where my mouth is. I want to keep working out, getting sleep. I want to figure out how to enjoy life so that I can use the positive energy to find a nourishing source of income. Maybe that comes to finding what I enjoy doing best so that I can communicate that during an interview.

That brings me to the first item on my mind. I've been trying to see how to proceed. One way would be to write stories about each project I've worked on. Another is to write stories about things I do well, the idea being to give concrete examples. For some reason, both are challenging for me. If I have trouble writing about it, how can I hope to talk about it? When I think about thinking about what I want to communicate, I feel lethargy. I try to overcome this and push on, but I think the best stories will come from writing from a happy place. Certainly I must have some happy work memories??

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This is a journal entry from Tuesday 4/1/14

What is my focus this week? My app is done. I'm waiting for it to be approved for the app store. My first DVD is done. I've sold one video to Joseph Kramer which was very exciting. I think that I need a job to be able to continue supporting my mission, but I'm afraid a job will keep me from fulfilling my mission.

So what is the third path? What gives me the best chance of living my mission? How do I care for myself? My ancestors support me. A host of angels is ready to spring to my aid. I am powerful.

My focus is prosperity. I would like to see either a steady income at $400 per month or available liquid funds of $100k. To achieve that, I must prepare and play. I need to release my genius.

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This is a journal entry from Friday 4/4/14

I know what I need to do. It's so easy to pretend I don't. I even fool myself. I cloak myself with ignorance so that I can avoid responsibility. That let's me play the victim and avoid accessing my power.

I have concluded that my mission is to make the world a better place through understanding and compassion. My belief is that I need to use my power to support myself so that I can follow my mission. I understand a little about how the physical world works and a little about how the spiritual world works. That ought to be a competitive advantage.

What about today? I notice my tendency to be self-centered. I think about what I need to do. I'm focused on I. For today, how can I flip that?

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I perceive myself as understanding what others are explaining more easily than those around me.

I tend to use my free time thinking about what needs to be done. For that reason, I have a hard time knowing what I want to do - how I would spend my time if I wasn't worried about getting things done. Well, one of the things I need to do is find out what I actually do enjoy doing, what I naturally do well. My brilliance.

If I had money to last until I die, what would I do? Because that's where I should live my life.

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This is a journal entry from Tuesday 4/8/14

I feel uncomfortable. I don't feel confidence in my job search. Have I been away from work too long? How will I put in 8 hours of work? I feel exhausted so easily. So 1) I don't know if I can get the job, and 2) I don't know if I'll be able to handle the job if I get it. I feel exhausted.

I need to change my thinking. What thoughts can I believe that will support me? I feel the need so that my partner can take a break. I jumped because I had some things I wanted to do. I'm still working on those things, but the big things are done. The DVD. The App. If I get my job, then I can use the money to promote my products.

What have I learned?

I've learned that I don't do marketing. I've learned how to create quality videos. I've learned how to create iPhone apps. I can do more, but I need short term profits. This is important because I need to fund my mission.

How do I find my enthusiasm? This whole process of writing stories about my work can only help me better know myself. Why do I drag my feet? I'm afraid I won't like what I find.

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This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/10/14

I'm having trouble recalling the stories from my career as a software developer. I'm resisting. I'm tired of having to prove myself. I'm afraid that my story isn't compelling. I think my career has been lackluster. It's been so long since it fascinated me. I don't trust my ability, but I have the ability.

I don't know my interviewers. I have no control over being hired or not. I'm the one I'm trying to prove myself to. I'm afraid to try because I may be right. It's my ego. I feel fragile.

I need to know myself. Whatever I do, knowing myself can make me more effective.

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All day. I still resist...

I have thought about it. I need this job for several reasons. My current vision includes growing my prosperity to support my mission. More important, maybe, is my desire to be able to support my partner. This should be enough motivation to go to the ends of the Earth.

I am getting frustrated trying to answer possible interview questions. I'm having trouble remembering instances that could form the framework of my answers. When I sit and can't think of anything, my anxiety rises. If I was in an interview, I'd have seconds to answer the questions and I'm having trouble thinking of anything over hours.

Part of the cycle is that when I can't think of anything immediately, I get anxious. When I get anxious, I have trouble remembering anything. The anxiety spirals.

Possible solutions include getting out of the anxiety. There are steps I can take - like taking deep breaths and focusing on the present moment. I don't know if I'll be able to eliminate anxiety on an interview, and I don't think I can. But at this time before the interview, I think I can relax enough to come up with some prototype answers. I can use that to make my “script” for the improv at the interview.

I need something more. I want to be in my power when I consider these questions. I want to be positive so that my answers capture that. I'm feeling anxious now when thinking about these questions. I need to convert that anxiety to a confident excitement. How?!

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This is a journal entry from Saturday 4/12/14

I don't need to believe everything that pops into my head. I learned that from Eckhart Tolle. I keep doubting myself. I have thoughts that I can't keep up at work. I also know I'm very competent at what I do. I'm not the most advanced developer, but I do solid work.

I don't know how to stop fretting about the interview on Monday. I want to prepare for it as much as I can, but thinking about it triggers my anxiety and self-doubt. I will experiment with a) imagining the interview going perfectly and b) imagining having the job.

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When I look at the questions, I feel anxiety. I don't know how to answer them. It feels like I don't know myself. Where is the anxiety coming from? What does it mean?

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Moving Forward

Has it really been such a long time since my last post. I hope this makes up for it. Things have been busy and my focus is elsewhere

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This is a journal entry from Monday 2/24/14

What is the thrust of my week? I choose to continue stepping into my power and living out loud. I want to get good at making myself feel uncomfortable.

I want my app to be a thrust. I want my technology marketing to be a thrust – working on a new blog, doing some networking... However, I also want to nourish the twin part of my soul, my heart. There is a faerie coffee on Saturday. I want to do something to support my Sacred Intimate work. The most important part of finding my balance is going to be finding breathing space.

I need time to let myself be quiet, to let go of all the anxieties and to simply be. I am one being with many aspects. I detest being labeled.

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This is a journal entry from Wednesday 2/26/14

I'm frustrated. I'm having trouble getting the ads turned on in my app. I've been trying to get it to work since the end of last week. I've downloaded some sample code that seemed to work, but I can't duplicate the results in my app. It's frustrating me.

I'm trying to understand how to move forward. I want to work on it to the exclusion of everything else. I've had enough of it. I want to figure it out. I want to skip the gym and start early. I want to stop taking care of myself until I resolve the problem.

In reality, I know I need to change my perspective. I am not relaxed as I explore the problem. I'm rushed and frantic. This is the attitude that poisons my career. I need to take time to know that I can solve the problem, that money will come to me as I need it.

It's time to step into my power again. Now, I can step into my power and be aware of it.

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This is a journal entry from Thursday 2/27/14

I made progress yesterday on getting ads to work in my app. I need to revisit the app and make sure everything is good so that I can get it in the app store. I need to see what I need to change about it first.

I'm low energy right now. I ejaculated this morning before going to the gym for a run. I'm at a between place. My next activity hasn't begun. I'm not motivated to continue, yet.

I step into my power.

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This is a journal entry from Saturday 3/1/14

It's already March.

I had dreams this morning. I can't really remember them. One of the involved an ice maker delivery at a resort.

Yesterday, I focused on networking activities. I didn't make as many contacts as I would have liked, but the dry(?) was there most of the time. I attended an early morning networking event and then the job club. When I got home, I was trying to connect with my references to make sure my info was up to date.

I have felt as though there are two parts to me. I have one side that shows itself to family and in my job as a software developer. It is the socially acceptable side of myself? The other part of myself is more authentic, but has aspects I can't share with everyone. It's the part of me that feels at home and natural with the erotic. Its' my pleasure seeking animal nature.

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This is a journal entry from Sunday 3/2/14

I can sense a widening of my life, but it's clouded. Joseph Kramer affirmed my ecstatic work, so there may be more video projects in the future. I'm getting my app ready for market. My software development career appears about to resume.

I need to make a conscious decision to step into my power, or else I get stuck in a meaningless to do list. I imagine standing with an orb of light in front of me, and then stepping forward into that light. When I do that, I know what I need to do and I have the power to do it. My power is different than anyone else's. On one hand, my power has an erotic tint. On the other hand, it has a technical understanding coupled with perseverance.

I've never known how to join the erotic to the rest of my life. I have felt that there is negative judgment against those who embody the erotic. We are considered to be shallow, but only because we are put into a limited and shallow box. I also understand intellectually the judgment actually comes from within me. I judge myself and blame it on others.

So I step into my power, which is erotically intellectual, or intellectually erotic.

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This is a journal entry from Monday 3/3/14

I'm having trouble sleeping, but there is no specific thing keeping me awake. Joseph Kramer is going to use my latest video on his site. My iPhone app is wrapping up. I'm talking to someone tomorrow about a job with a start-up that is at it's beginning phases. I have a head pain that started two weeks ago. I'm going to LUEY this weekend. Maybe I just got too much sleep last night.

Actually, I'm thinking that I will be pressed for time tomorrow, and that I'm not clear on what to do. What will be my priorities?

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I choose to come from a place of power. My life is not a to-do list. I open myself to receive I follow my passion. What is the most empowering thing I can do today? What invigorates me and fills me with passion? This is the moment, now.

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This is a journal entry from Wednesday 3/5/14

What do I do easily and naturally? Sometimes I tell myself it's sex. I seem to be able to access pleasure more easily in myself. I can follow directions. I journal. I like to bake from scratch. I like taking classes. I understand natural laws very intuitively. I'm good at being alone Nudity. More later.

What do my customers pay me for? I don't have any real customers, per se. The companies I've worked for paid me to design, develop, test, deploy and maintain software. To fix defects. To work as a part of a team. To help produce a product that the company could sell.

My SI clients have paid me for intimate experiences, confidentiality, safety. They trust me. Joseph is paying me because my ecstatic, sensuous state is contagious.

I think my sincerity and dedication are important.

What have others said I'm really good at?

What activities energize me? Speaking in front of people? Having sex, on the web cam. Exploring ideas about reality – philosophy. I've always enjoyed science – computer science, physics. Philosophy. The nature of consciousness.

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This is a journal entry from Monday 3/10/14

What do I want this week to be about? I'd like to wrap up my first app, but I need to be able to respond to headhunters. Further, anything I could do with Toastmasters would be good. I want to include porn in my orgasmic yoga in preparation for a video I'm doing for Joseph Kramer.

I need to be able to come from a place of power, whatever I do. That means knowing what I want. Unfortunately, I'm in a sour kind of mood. There's nothing motivating me at this moment. I'm afraid that taking a full time job will end my personal app development and Yoga of Sex study. I need more effective ways to energize myself.

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This is a journal entry from Wednesday 3/12/14

“Of course...”

This is the thought I had this morning as I was worrying about getting a job and earning money. Of course I have the capacity to support myself. Of course the money will flow. Of course I know what to do. Of course...

It is time for my life to shift. I'm tired. It's time to use intelligence to accomplish more with less effort. I can support myself and never have the need for a full time job again. Of course.

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This is a journal entry from Sunday 3/16/14

I imagine that I am special needs, and that I am being cared for by the people in my life. I think “maybe I just imagine that I am living in the world.” Do the people I love take care of me? I imagine that maybe I'm so much slower than everything I know that I don't realize that I'm disabled.

On the other hand, I've imagined everyone in the world as being in on a great conspiracy. Everyone an actor in a great performance, guiding how I live. I imagine that at some point, all will be revealed that I am the center of the world, everyone knowing everything about me and loving me anyway. Would I feel traumatized at the exposure, or would I feel affirmed and validated?

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Opening To Receive

This is a journal entry from Monday 2/10/14

If today is all about checking things off a list, then the day is already lost. I need something deeper. What is the meaning behind my actions today? How do I serve the greater good?

Maybe a rephrase of my mission statement: My mission is to make the world better through understanding, compassion, and wisdom.

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This is a journal entry from Tuesday 2/11/14

I choose to live from my power today. For me, it is very subtle. It's the difference between living life and being driven by life. I resist the latter and am not very familiar with the former. It's a state of mind. It's a quiet confidence. I spend much time trying to control my emotions, draining me of vitality.

Living from my power must mean following my passion and authenticity. I feel the need to break out of my mold. It means recognizing my dominion over my life. No one else can tell me how to live, or think, or feel. I Am who I Am.

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I am not meant to control my feelings. My feelings inform me. I can listen to my feelings and avoid trying to suppress or control them.

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This is a journal entry from Tuesday 2/18/14

What is mine to do today? I open myself to receive. I open myself to guidance.

If I had no need of money, it wold be simpler. I could design my life with time to dedicate to my spiritual life and develop my own software products and serve as Sacred Intimate. My desire is to serve.

Do I keep trying to make money independently? My attention is split. Is my current project just a distraction? Will it make money?

I want to focus my full attention on today. This is where my power lies. Let me go to the well and nourish my soul. Today is always The day. I am not who I was yesterday. I will be someone new tomorrow. I am alive now. Today's focus is my app. It will be until I release the first version.

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This is a journal entry from Thursday 2/20/14

I'm beginning to slip into a mentality of lack. It's time to go out of my way to feel prosperity. I don't like thinking about all the money I've gone through since last April. I feel like I can have some income by selling my time tracking app. I haven't had any appreciable income as an SI. I want to put my app in the app store before I focus on finding my next job. I need that to be sooner than later for my peace of mind.

I need to go further. I need to trust in God and follow his guidance. It's time to welcome divine help. It's time to recognize the bounty that surrounds me.

I tell myself I don't have a job because I haven't really tried. But maybe I'm too afraid to really try. At the same time, I feel that I ought to be able to have an income without working for someone else. If I can come up with some little income streams, they can add up. Still, my first stream is Sacred Intimacy. My second stream is my app. After that, maybe it's app development.

I'm like a two tined fork. Erotic and technologic. When I combine the two, then maybe that will be the key.

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Stepping Into My Power - Journal Entries

Has it really been so long since I posted? It's been a bit busy.

This is a journal entry from Monday 1/20/14

As I wake up this morning, I have four big projects I'm working on. I can see the values of each. These things are pushing aside smaller tasks that may have more value, but these all seem time sensitive.

I must step into my power and choose. There's one more factor that's important to me: taking care of myself. I want to maintain my spiritual practices. I want to exercise. I step into my power and choose.

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This is a journal entry from Thursday 1/23/14

I am stepping into my power. With that comes the ability to be conscious of my current situation and to take the necessary steps to move forward.

It's already the 23rd and I don't have a job as a Java developer anywhere. I am committed to getting my first app completed and uploaded to the app store. That can earn me a bit of income and demonstrate my ability. Then I will need to focus more exclusively on finding that job. I need to be able to tell the story of my technical skills and remember everything I know in that regard. Then I need to keep interviewing and learn to love the interview process. Here, I need to step into my power as well.

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This is a journal entry from Friday 1/24/14

There are more things to do than I have time for. That means I step into my power today and choose.

Stepping into my power, I know that I know what I need to do. First thing is to let go because there's nothing I have to do. Whatever will be done will happen in its own time.

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This is a journal entry from Sunday 1/26/14

I had a dream last night. It had a decent length, but it's fading from memory. I was in a military prison. I remember rows of beds. I remember eating lasagna on the floor off a plate where the lasagna had slid partway off. I remember not eating all of it, but thinking I'd get used to eating off the floor. I remember thinking that I always said I liked institutional living. It was a fairly long and consistent dream. At some time, I got away on a motorcycle. I was going out of my way to avoid being seen because I knew there would be a manhunt.

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This is a journal entry from Monday 1/27/14

I had several dreams last night. I'm already losing them. The first had police, suspected cannibals, and drugs. The others, I am not able to recall. I would like to find some other way to remember them.

Before I decide what I would like to work on today, I want to step back. I have a tendency to be able to  be single-minded, which may be able to save me now. I want to get my app on the app store before I get my next job – otherwise it may not happen.

When I'm working with single-minded determination, I can become unbalanced. Tension builds in my neck and shoulders. Single minded determination is part of my power.

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This is a journal entry from Friday 1/31/14

I've been putting myself under the gun to get my time tracking software done. It's my current top priority. Unfortunately, now I'm trying to plan my day and again there's too much to do. I feel that the pressure I put on myself can be relaxed. I think it must be. It's a bad habit. Right now I'm torn between the job club and my app. At this point, I don't see a happy path. What is my happy path?

I surrender. How may I be of service? I guess that if there are days where I push, then I have to allow for days that I allow to unfold. Can I permit an unplanned day?

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This is a journal entry from Sunday 2/2/14

I have been very single-minded about my app lately. It's getting closer to paying off. Even with what I've done so far, there is probably a few more days of work. This is something I would never have time for while working a full time job. The problem is that it's taking time from other things I want to do. This is a typical pattern. If I was working a full time job, it would be what consumes my time. It seems like the only way to make progress, but I feel unbalanced.

The next thought has to do with seeing porn as shallow. It has to do with seeing a naked man with an erection and thinking that that is all he is. It has to do with thinking that if coworkers knew I made porn then they would discard me and all of my skills as someone with no value in life. I started reflecting on this when I flipped the page on my calendar and saw a naked erect man. There is no reason that he shouldn't be allowed to express this part of himself. There is nothing wrong with what he is doing. It's only a part of his personality and it shouldn't prevent him from being all that he is. We put him – or any exhibitionist who shows their body – in a box and claim he can't be this or that because he's just a porn model. I'm so tired of limiting boxes.

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This is a journal entry from Monday 2/3/14

It's 1:30 AM and I'm not sleep. I guess I have things floating around that I need to get out.

I'm frustrated and struggling to get my app done. It may end up providing some income. It may demonstrate my skills. It gives me experience using Java to build iPhone apps. I'm learning Objective-C. I am trying to figure out the user interface for adding new tasks. I've made good progress this weekend, getting over a hump. I'm able to start tying my engine to the UI. I can save my file and read it back. I'm wondering how I'll add advertising and making the 99¢ version without advertising.

Tomorrow (today) I need to go to the drugstore, deposit to our joint account, go to the gym and start my Dreamweaver class. How do I find the time to keep working on my app and preparing for interviews? Where's the time for nourishing self-pleasure? I feel more pressure because I don't have a source of income. I don't see how to nurture my own interests and work when I don't even have time for my interests.

My app needs the ability to add new tasks, traverse the task hierarchy, delete tasks, and select tasks. I need to be able to view the daily and weekly totals. In the future, I want to be able to make corrections, traverse each day of the week and even traverse weeks. Maybe instead of saving to a file, people could have the option of saving to /reading from the cloud. And this is just a simple app.

And all this focus on the app is taking away from my relationship, and my calling as a Sacred Intimate, and my self-care. And I want to add automated testing to make sure things work the way way they are designed to work. Everything is waiting on the initial delivery.

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This is a journal entry from Friday 2/7/14

It's time to step into my power again. I have options today: running, Toastmasters, my app, Fry's,... I live with the consequences of my choices. No matter what I do, I can live with the consequences. I have come to believe that my attitude is the most important thing influencing the quality of my life. That's why I have options and not to-do items. My attitude is a little claustrophobic about time.

I want to give myself permission to sink into my day and accept guidance from powers greater than myself and be fully present and patient in all that I do.

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This is a journal entry from Saturday 2/8/14

Where does my heart lay today? I avoid jumping into my to-do list. This is the year of stepping into my power. I open myself to receive. There are unseen forces moving in my direction, who want nothing more than my highest good. I live in an abundant universe.

My faith is perfect. The universe responds according to my faith. “...faith is a movement of mind in which you determine that which is true. You're doing that all of the time.” Stretton Smith in Stretton Smith's 4T Prosperity Program. It is responsible for how I see the universe. It is a principle that is always active. The form my life is taking at this moment is a direct reflection of my thoughts and beliefs by the power of faith.

There are some things I want to manifest in my life. I want prosperity now. I want to see the abundance around me and start tapping into it. I want to release the anxiety I feel about not having a job.

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