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Wednesday, May 7, 2014

New Day Job

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 4/16/14

A burden has been lifted. I have attained the income I was seeking. This income will feed my prosperity. I have some remaining steps to take. There is a background check. I have some time to get my office at home in order before I begin. I have vacation time now that will allow me to continue with my Sacred Intimacy training. Sacred Intimacy has such a broad meaning to me. How shall I use it to heal myself and others?

Everything feels perfect. I feel relieved. I feel at peace.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/17/14

The first part of my vision statement is to grow my prosperity in support of my mission. The idea of working for my new company is kind of foreign. I should be well suited to it. It provides vacation time I need to continue my training. It should be mellow enough that I can continue growing my SI practice. I'm not sure what that looks like now.

This seems ideal.

I will have plenty of sessions to help heal and grow during In the Garden of Life. I wanted this before I did Advanced SI Training, but I wasn't invited to Advanced SI Training, either.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 4/19/14

I want to make a habit of setting an intention at the start of every day. I'd also like to start exploring the wounds I want to heal at In the Garden of Life. I still have deep seated shame that makes me lack confidence when expressing myself. I often have a sense that I'm not aware of what I actually want to do. I don't really know what brings me joy.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/20/14

How do I want to change? My experience at Dear Love of Comrades was profound. I came away completely open. I was aware and loving. I felt comfortable talking to people. I lost my fear.

I feel guarded again. Shielded. At Dear Love of Comrades, my heart was cracked open. I felt loved and appreciated. It was magical. Can I experience more of that? I was deeply in my power. I came home with my power. I feel like I've lost that - in spite of getting my new job.

I want to step deeply back into my power again.

I want to cry.

I want to be affirmed.

I want to unlock my power. I want to feel free, but not just at the event. I want to take my freedom with me. I need to find it's source within me. I want to let it flow.

How would that change my life? Would I still work for a company? I would be in touch with my power. How I made money wouldn't matter much.

Sacred Intimacy really is different than sex work, even though I consider sex work to be sacred. Sacred Intimacy is about touching someone on the deepest levels. It's a spiritual sex, but sex is love. It's treating a client as God. God is my Master. I serve God in my clients.

Sacred Intimacy is holding someone in my arms and allowing them to grieve the passing of their soul mate.

Sacred Intimacy is witnessing someone as they come to terms with a fatal disease and celebrating their lives.

Sacred Intimacy is giving someone what they need when they have no idea what that is.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 4/22/14

  • HIV
  • Death
  • Daddy/Fuck/Death
  • Childhood Nickname
  • It had nothing to do with me
  • Crying
  • If I want to feel loved, I must love myself.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/24/14

I'm doing the legwork for my new job. I'm still a little nervous this could derail. My first day isn't until the end of May, but I'm thinking ahead to how my day to day life will be. I want to make sure that I schedule time for spirit and body. I want to continue building my own business.

My mission is to make the world better. My vision is about growing my prosperity in support of that mission, living my life out loud, completing my training and teaching what I've learned. My new job grows my prosperity. How do I see the other aspects of my vision?

I want to safely be more authentic at work, which is hard to pin down. I's not talking about Sacred Intimacy at work, necessarily. It's what I was talking about a few days ago, being open hearted. It's about overflowing with power so I can feel present talking with anyone. I suppose I'll know when I'm not that, but how do I nourish myself enough to be so over flowing? That's something I must do.

Then there's completing my training and teaching what I've learned. I was specifically thinking about the Yoga of Sex class, but also about more Sacred Intimacy training. I'll teach through videos and Sacred Intimacy sessions.

I'm looking for a relaxed pace to my days. That's 8 hours of work, plus my Orgasmic Yoga sessions, plus working out at the gym. I was going to say "plus nourishing myself," but I feel that should be built into my Orgasmic Yoga sessions - or better yet done continuously.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 4/26/14

I've been thinking I need to increase my energy level, but I'm not sure that's true. Right now, increased energy might just feed directly into tension. I often feel that I'm stuck when I'm trying to work on a task, that I'm out of energy, but maybe it's just that what I'm trying to do isn't in alignment with my soul. The best thing I could do would be to totally go with the flow, let my energy direct me instead of trying to direct it.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/27/14

I want to find a deeper level of exposure. It's very easy for me to be naked, but I still hide the deeper parts of myself. I do this so well that I feel I don't know myself very well.

I don't feel comfortable being myself in front of others, but I'm not sure I know what "being myself" means for me. I'm better with people I've met through Body Electric. Ultimately, it's just letting myself relax. I don't think it has to do with trying to find ways to shock people, but maybe that might help me to be desensitized to my fears.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 4/30/14

I'm waiting for the background check for the job to be completed. Everything should be fine, but I'm in limbo. There may even be a fall back job if something unexpected happens. There's no reason not to relax, but my ego wants to know what's next.

I turn my attention back to In the Garden of Life. This is a one-of-a-kind opportunity to do some deep healing and get closer to my soul. The most important thing to me is in finding my voice, or being willing to be seen. What do I mean?

I feel like I hold back, and it's draining. I don't feel equal to the people around me. I feel I exist at their pleasure. I don't feel equal. I've always felt the need to protect myself. I'm resisting this train of thought. How can I feel equal? How can I learn to feel safe letting my guard down? If I knew how, I could try it and learn to feel safe. Unfortunately, it's just a vague feeling of being less than anyone else. Where did it come from? Is it because I think of them as being separate? Even my biological family doesn't feel safe. The men I've net through Body Electric and my erotic training are loving and supportive. How can I recognize every human being as a reflection of myself? How can I feel safe? I need to feel myself as I feel for other people, an unpredictable force of nature.

How do I know when I'm being myself? If I notice I'm not being myself, what do I do?

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