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Monday, September 1, 2014

In the Garden of Life - July Journalling

This is a journal entry from Friday 7/4/14

I'm in the air. My new job is behind me. I left things as best I could. It's odd being able to take vacation so close to my start date. It makes you feel powerful to have a new job. This one does support me better than the last few jobs.

I had worried abut leaving my last job, but I had enough money to support myself and the new job came along before I started eating too much into savings. And this job came along at the right time. I am grateful.

So now I begin this journey that I wasn't sure I would be able to take. What do I want to do? A part of me is learning to embrace my job while maintaining a spiritual program. I know that I am powerful. I want to bring my Dear Love experience of self-acceptance into my daily life.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 7/5/14

The area of healing I decided to focus on was on my general sense of feeling broken. I understand now that that feeling is shame based. I feel just not quite right. I look to the things about myself that don't fit into this culture – self-pleasure, pleasure in general, exhibitionism, feet, promiscuity. I feel distracted by goals that don't really fit like a physics degree or by shortcomings in my line of work as a software developer.

Without the things I love, my life feels dry and empty. Imagine being monogamous and focusing on my software development work... What a waste of life.

I feel that I have something important to contribute – that the world needs people like me. I feel I need to do something big, but I don't think that's for me to decide or worry about. My part is to give myself enough self-acceptance so that I can handle whatever happens.

Two things are bubbling up. How to nurture myself at my current job and take time for my spiritual rituals. And what does my calling look like and what do I need to do to accept that?

I want people to see sex as more than the one-dimensional cliché it's perceived to be. It's not just about getting off. It's not just about erotic pleasure. It is nurturing. We can get better at nourishing ourselves and others with sexuality.

While I don't see how I will do that specifically (masturbation videos, workshops, lectures, books...), I see that I want to be able to express myself without being threatened by opposition. I want to be able to hear opposition without being intimidated. I need to know I'm coming from a place of integrity. I need to be able to believe what I'm saying and feel worthy of saying it.

This is a journal entry from Monday 7/7/14

I felt nervous the other night about the trip. I know it will be challenging. That's what I'm looking for. At the same time, I will be driving my own experience. Where do I want to go? Where do I need to go?

What are the areas of shame in my life? My heritage as the son of a redneck. Backwards. Intolerant. Mean and angry.

My own weakness. Playing with girls' toys growing up.

I felt unable to say what I wanted to say. It got to the point that I didn't want to say anything that anyone might disagree about. Not feeling I could be myself, I stopped trying and forgot how to do that. It's not that I forgot what that was... That can change. I lost how to be myself in the moment. Being forced to talk when I have nothing to say would be as bad as not feeling comfortable talking.

I want to step into my power, but I'm also afraid of stepping into my power. I assume that's shame. Stepping into my power means being open to scrutiny and criticism. I can expect to make mistakes, but I don't want to, not in public.

I want a way to live my life when I get home. I want to be secure financially as I live as a Sacred Intimate. How can I be in this world and not of it? I want to let go of my fight with time. I want to own my life. I'm tired of fighting.

From Monday July the 8th through Sunday July 13th, I attended In the Garden of Life. That experience will not be communicated here. It was intensely personal and transformative. I'm happy to speak with you about it in person, but it will not be shared via the web. 

This is a journal entry from Monday 7/14/14

I'm afraid this contraction will be more painful than I have experienced in my past because of the degree to which I permitted myself to expand. Last night, I experienced something that can't be un-experienced. It showed me something fundamentally real about the power of healing that I have open to me when I am expanded. I experienced an elder in our community that has not been honored for his open hearted touch. He shared a wound with a laugh while his eyes showed the pain in this for him.

This contraction may be more painful because I am more aware of how deeply contracted I feel in my day-to-day life. I have constricted myself so severely in the past. I need your encouragement to continue to be the big open-hearted man I am.

I woke up this morning with an absolutely relaxed neck. It felt so cool and relaxed. It reminded me that I take on shame in my day-to-day life that I don't really notice. My neck is a barometer to help me notice it, express it, and let it go.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 7/16/14

This is my second morning back, but it's too early for a regular routine yet. Yesterday, I went to work with 1.5 hours of sleep. Today, there's a meeting at 7 AM and I'd like to go in person. I thought it would be easy to get up at the same time I was getting up at Easton Mountain with 6:30 there being 5:30 here, but I would have been happy to keep sleeping.

I did sit intentionally in the temple for 5 or 10 minutes, but I don't feel there's time for movement or self-touch.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/17/14

I was exhausted yesterday afternoon. I was physically scraping the bottom. Maybe because I have yet to get 8 hours of sleep? And I woke up with a headache.

I have chosen to make my partner my top priority for a while. He is the most important part of my life and he deserves all of me. That means my Yoga of Sex class will not get my full attention for a while, while I focus on sign language and voice coaching.


I did a clearing with someone yesterday. After taking the time to make sure I was pronouncing his name correctly, he used my legal name rather than my preferred name. He explained the name he used belonged to someone he used to work with and always went to for help with certain technologies. He was actually complimenting me when he accidentally used the wrong name. I was amazed at how quickly that resolved and left me feeling better.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 7/19/14

I am glad I went to In the Garden instead of Advanced Intimacy Training. I am more free now than before I went. I have released some shame, but I have further to go. I have named my shames as I released them.

Now I'm back at work and struggling. How much of this is shame? I want to pour so much time into work so that I can prove that I belong there. I don't want to let go of the incredible benefits. I want to prove my worth at work. That is probably fucked up. I'm putting so much pressure on myself. Can I name this shame? I am ashamed that I'm not proficient at my job.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/24/14

What am I resisting? I had trouble meditating this morning. I feel tight. I feel like I'm holding back. I feel tired.

I think I need more sleep. Seven hours isn't enough. With HIV, I may need more than average. Is this what I resist?

I can feel myself resisting, but what is it that I'm resisting? My days feel too full. It's not that there's something I need to do that there's not time for. It feels like there are too many things. That's what I resist. That's what I always resist.

How do I lean into that? There is a need to focus on things that are higher priority, but if I assume I can figure those out, what then? I've got as much time as I need to get the things done that will be done.

This is a journal entry from Friday 7/25/14

My dream last night was a giant eye looking up from under the surface of a very shallow are of ocean water. I imagined it was part of a larger dark body floating under the water. I imagined it was an octopus. Then I think we were collecting food to trap it. I self-interpret the eye as representing my unconscious slowly becoming conscious.

Today, during meditation, I was thinking about leaning into my sense of lack of time. It occurred to me that I'm not getting something I need. Maybe it's not one thing that I can schedule time for. The more I schedule time, the less time I feel I have. So now I think I need time to do whatever the hell I want. I'm not talking about time for the gym or time to meditate. I am talking about time to do whatever pops into my head at any given time.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 7/26/14

So, from yesterday's entry, I now I need some time each day for whatever the fuck I want. It's not enough to schedule time for this or that that I think I will want to do at some time. I need to literally give myself permission to have some truly unstructured activity.

This feels important. It's the answer to feeling there's never enough time. How will I remember it going forward? Add it to my healing plan.

I was surprised how important feet were to my growth. I have felt shame over my foot attraction. I can post videos of me with huge dildos in my ass hole, but I'm afraid to tell people I like feet. I have a hard time connecting with it. I'm afraid to share it to start with, but then I'm afraid someone with disgusting feet is going to be offended when I am repulsed by his. My father taught me feet can be horrible. They can emit a stench that is horrific. I'm ashamed that someone might think that's what I'm attracted to.

I don't like toenails that have a fungal infection. I don't like toenails that have yellowed. I don't like foot stench, but I am willing to explore scent. I grew up with conflicting ideas of feet. My father's that were horrible and my neighbor's that were sexy as hell with a dusting of dark hairs on top.

Now, I'm looking for male volunteers to let me massage and explore their feet.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 7/27/14

Coming back from In the Garden, I was absolutely overflowing. I was open and attuned, even in NYC. Now, I feel tired. I want to go masturbate, but more as a way of escaping. TV is another escape. It's time to be present. How can I nourish myself so that I can feel I have enough to spare. I don't know what nourished me while I was there. I don't really know how to feed myself, either.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 7/30/14

I am committed to living in my power and using my voice. I have been feeling drained. My mind is caught up in work. Nothing is bad,but I don't feel balanced.

Maybe I watched too much TV last night. I have more important things to do.