Here's a beautiful erotic ritual that I have enjoyed. It is posted here with permission by Joseph Kramer.
Three Circles Heart Ritual
By Joseph Kramer, Ph.D.
www.eroticmassage.com
www.orgasmicyoga.com
Jeffrey walks the two blocks from his apartment to the Kiva for the morning ritual. It has been almost a year since he joined the Village, a community of sixteen men committed to co-creating, containing, and circulating an "erotic vibratory force field for healing, nourishment and consciousness." Some community members live together; others, like Jeffrey, live by themselves. All live within a few blocks of the Big House and the Kiva. Presence at the daily Heart Fire Ritual is central to being a part of the Village. The community members call each other “sacred brother.”
Very quickly Jeffrey had discovered that being present at the Ritual took preparation. Within a month of his acceptance into the Village, his whole day revolved around the Ritual. He intensified his stretching and exercising, more aware each day of new levels of feeling. He stopped eating and drinking what wasn't nourishing. He seldom watched television and stopped reading newspapers completely. He even started to enjoy his work at the Testing Center at the University. For the first time in his life, he felt he was developing a relationship--with himself, with his sacred brothers, and with the whole universe. And now, after almost a year of rituals, he feels and understands his life in terms of energy. Jeffrey, the erotic physicist, has learned how to generate energy, contain it, circulate it, focus it, and transmit it. Every day he celebrates the power and the mystery of eros, the evolutionary thrust. And most amazing to Jeffrey, he has discovered a sense of wonder and awe that often allows him to laugh and cry at the same time. Such are the effects of the Ritual.
Not a traditional Native American kiva, the Village Kiva is a Buckminster Fuller-type geodesic structure, containing one huge room about twenty-five feet in diameter, half in the earth, half above ground. The very top of the dome is glass; the wooden polygon sides provide privacy. An elevated platform, three feet high and three feet wide circles the edge of the room. Candles are everywhere.
Jeffrey usually gets to the Kiva a bit early. Leaving his clothes in the antechamber, he picks up two towels and some massage oil. He spreads one towel on the rug at his favorite place on the platform and prepares to enter Silence, one of the three realms participants can move among during the Ritual. Some sacred brothers jokingly call this realm "Voyeur" because it is about doing nothing, just being with the energy of the Ritual and witnessing what is happening. Those in Silence sit quietly on the platform. The Heart Fire Ritual begins and ends with all participants in Silence.
The second realm of the Ritual, Awakening, concerns the great human venture of waking up. This is the realm of shaking and stretching, laughing and screaming, self-massage and aerobic activity, breathing and masturbating. Remaining within his own segment of the platform, each sacred brother generates and circulates within his body the holy fire, the erotic life force, the ching chi. Having spent most of the rituals of the last year in Awakening, Jeffrey is totally comfortable stretching, stroking himself and screaming both in pleasure and pain. He often tells others that one of the great delights of the Ritual is watching the circle of men he has grown to love wake up while he too wakes up along side them. Jeffrey has learned to model and imitate the best and most effective of his sacred brothers' movements and rhythms. In Awakening everyone is teacher and guide to everyone else.
When the physical, energetic body is sufficiently awakened, a sacred brother can move down into the center of the Kiva. Dance is the realm of joyous movement, ecstasy, celebration, aliveness, communion, glowing eroticism, emptiness/fullness, synergy, creativity, magic and mysticism. Dance is the place of erotic embodiment, of what is erotically possible.
Guidelines for what happens in the realm of Dance change with each ritual. On some days, Dance invites touching and other interactive play. On his birthday, each man rests for the whole ritual on a massage table in the middle of the Dance. Some men like to blindfold themselves as they enter Dance. During the Ritual, the center of the Kiva seems to be a place beyond choosing. Most sacred brothers are surprised to find themselves in Dance.
The Three Circles Ritual, usually an hour long, has no leader, only a time keeper who also plays the music. Sacred brothers can choose at any time to move from one realm to another that seems more appropriate. Often, one or more sacred brothers will sit for the whole Ritual in Silence. It is not uncommon for some sacred brothers to change realms five or ten times during a Ritual. Jeffrey’s first time in Dance was exhilarating. It was a touch day. Jeffrey was receiving erotic touch from three other sacred brothers when he was distracted by desire: "I want this in my bed every night." The thought pulled him out of the present away from one of the most profound experiences of his entire life. He was now thinking instead of experiencing. He knew he needed to shift to Awakening to get out of his mind. He gently extricated himself from the scene and returned to his place on the platform.
Each sacred brother has equal access to the co-created erotic force field that results each day from sixteen men consciously generating the highest fire possible in a human being. Sacred brothers often report that they are vibrated by this energy into trans-personal and mystical states. Most agree that this energy brings them clarity and generosity about the gifts they carry for others. Some sacred brothers impregnate the collective erotic fire with their individual intentions, often with extraordinary results. In some Rituals, the whole community agrees to hold the same intention in their hearts.
Often when a sacred brother is sick, he will request that he be able to sit or recline in the middle of the Dance realm. The erotic vibrations of the community can then swirl around him and through him, shifting and transforming the vibratory patterns of disease to those of well-being. Although the Ritual seldom involves ejaculation, when a sacred brother is sick, it is common practice for others to anoint him with their semen. Many of the sacred brothers have expressed the desire to die during the Three Circle Ritual, bathed, nourished, and blessed by the communal Heart Fire.
Remarkable relationships develop within the context of the Ritual. Two sacred brothers, in particular, function unwittingly as temple dancers for Jeffrey. Authentic temple dancers are men and women who consciously bear witness to what is humanly possible through their graceful movement and high levels of erotic vibration. These two sacred brothers make Jeffrey rock hard when he focuses on them while awakening. When either or both of them are in Dance, Jeffrey’s heart opens to the whole universe. Jealousy is not present in the Village, probably because each member generously makes himself and his gifts available to the rest each day in the Ritual.
Each week the Village has a two-hour gathering to talk about the Ritual. Here are some sacred brother reflections:
"We should invite visitors more often. They stimulate us out of our normal patterns and help celebrate diversity." Response: "But some are unconscious vampires, totally unaware of the subtlety of what we are doing."
"After charging my body with breath and sex, I often travel to other domains. My body is the gateway, but when I let go into another consciousness, I realize I am not present in the Ritual so I come back, but I am frustrated. If my body is a gateway, why not honor it as that. Why commit to staying present with the body for the whole hour?"
"I believe that it is possible for us to have as much influence on the world with the Three Circles Ritual as did Gandhi or Martin Luther King, Jr."
"Whenever I am touching any of you in Dance, I feel like I am touching myself."
"My heart keeps getting bigger and bigger. I want to thank each of you. I used to hold back part of my heart waiting for the relationship that would last forever. Now I know that when I truly love someone, that love is outside of time--forever. This is what I have always wanted but couldn't visualize clearly."
"I would like to try a twenty-four hour version of the Ritual."
"Why don't we each write a special intention on cards that we place face down in the center of the floor before the ritual. When we are ecstatically moving in Dance, we can each pick up a card and focus on that intention."
"My boyfriend and I have been doing the Ritual together, just the two of us. I love to sit in Silence and watch him get charged."
"Last week I sat in Silence for six days. I know some of you are concerned. I would like to read a few words from Walt Whitman's Song of Myself: I exist as I am, that is enough. If no other in the world is aware, I sit content. And if each and all be aware, I sit content."
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Feelings, Fear, and Imagination
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 11/12/13
I live in an abundant universe. I am surrounded by riches. I haven't been feeling this, but I know it's true. I think that the key to prosperity is to pay attention. If I know that wealth is available, then I should be able to notice it and make use of it. Anything I desire can be mine.
In spite of this, I want cash. I want enough money to not have to think about money again. But focusing on that takes me out of the moment.
Which brings me back to the real question: What do I want? If I can't answer that, where do I flow?
This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/14/13
I feel like there's a decision to make, but I'm not clear on my choices. I could find a new job as a Java developer full time. I could find a part-time job for as much money per hour as I could get. I could focus on making money with my DVD. I could focus on my Sacred Intimacy practice.
What I really want is to explore sexuality as a Sacred Intimate at this moment. I don't know how long that will last. It is challenging.
I remind myself that I am not doing this on my own. I ask my Higher Power to guide me. I deserve prosperity as well as any other person. I sense my attitude and confidence are key. Sitting still in churn doesn't serve me. Do anything, but I don't want to get caught up in Facebook or TV. I want to avoid distraction.
Why are so many of my tasks solo tasks? Reading books? Taking classes? If I am a team player, where is my team?
Distractions. Time. I don't need to feel rushed if I can stay focused. There are many things that feel important, plenty I'd like to do. It makes me feel impatient with myself. Thanks to the reflective nature of Soul, I sense this impatience in others. It makes me feel inadequate, that I'm not smart enough to keep up. I am impatient with myself and feel that I can't pull my own weight, that I'm not doing enough. I feel weak. These are important things, things about myself that I need to be aware of. Now, I can recognize these things as being self-generated nonsense. I'm aware of monumental power in tiny packages. I am aware of my power and strength.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 11/20/13
I've wanted to write for a few days. I nearly lost the topic I had chanced upon. In that time, the idea has evolved.
I have recognized that my feelings do not limit my actions. In other words, if I want to do something, these feelings of fear can't stop me. I know how to breathe and step into my fear. Whenever I step into fear, I decrease its power over me. I find that it's easier to act quickly. The longer I wait, the more inertia there is to overcome. This is a key piece of information for me because I am afraid.
Having said that, I recognize the power of the Law of Attraction. The more I am in the flow of life and the more I feel confidence and power, the more I attract those things that support those feelings. I think these two keys can help me move forward.
Finally, I recognize that I have difficulty making choices. I have difficulty deciding between taking a job in software development that I know pays well and supports me, or letting go of that and focusing on Sacred Intimacy which is emotionally demanding and may not meet my financial needs. I often get stuck not out of fear, but from wondering if I really want to do something. I wake up at night afraid I'm on the wrong path, wondering how I'm going to support myself and my partner.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/21/13
I'd like to put my imagination to work. I used to pretend when I was growing up. I was a science officer on the Enterprise exploring the universe, Now, I feel stuck by the story I tell myself. I want a new story.
I tend to live in fear for no good reason. I am aware of my mortality. I fear people thinking I am not perfect. I don't like making mistakes and question my decision to quit work. I am afraid that I won't find another job like I had before and afraid that I will. All of this is nonsense. I am powerful.
So I imagine. I imagine going on cruises and taking sacred erotic intensives. I imagine life in a sex monastery. I imagine supporting my partner financially as he finds a job that makes him happy or has no job at all. I imagine exploring the universe of mind. I imagine having the energy to do all the things I want, and not being tired so often. I imagine being awake. I imagine the universe supporting me. I imagine opening my heart. I imagine being a certified sexological bodyworker, a licensed Unity teacher, and having degrees in computer science and physics. I imagine reading books, learning new technologies. I imagine knowing what to do next.
This is a journal entry from Friday 11/22/13
What else can I imagine? I remember the fireplace in the lodge on the mountaintop and journaling late at night, unable to sleep. I felt the presence of a man, an elder. I am not limited.
I imagine being greater, a mystic, enlightened, fully in the present. I don't need things. Can I be a beacon? I imagine being organized and having a simple life. I imagine feeling peaceful and contented. I see sex and science and spirituality.
I don't want to be defined, so I don't like to make choices - but that defines me. I am a scientist, a programmer, a seeker, a Sacred Intimate, a sexual explorer, a writer.
I live in an abundant universe. I am surrounded by riches. I haven't been feeling this, but I know it's true. I think that the key to prosperity is to pay attention. If I know that wealth is available, then I should be able to notice it and make use of it. Anything I desire can be mine.
In spite of this, I want cash. I want enough money to not have to think about money again. But focusing on that takes me out of the moment.
Which brings me back to the real question: What do I want? If I can't answer that, where do I flow?
This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/14/13
I feel like there's a decision to make, but I'm not clear on my choices. I could find a new job as a Java developer full time. I could find a part-time job for as much money per hour as I could get. I could focus on making money with my DVD. I could focus on my Sacred Intimacy practice.
What I really want is to explore sexuality as a Sacred Intimate at this moment. I don't know how long that will last. It is challenging.
I remind myself that I am not doing this on my own. I ask my Higher Power to guide me. I deserve prosperity as well as any other person. I sense my attitude and confidence are key. Sitting still in churn doesn't serve me. Do anything, but I don't want to get caught up in Facebook or TV. I want to avoid distraction.
Why are so many of my tasks solo tasks? Reading books? Taking classes? If I am a team player, where is my team?
Distractions. Time. I don't need to feel rushed if I can stay focused. There are many things that feel important, plenty I'd like to do. It makes me feel impatient with myself. Thanks to the reflective nature of Soul, I sense this impatience in others. It makes me feel inadequate, that I'm not smart enough to keep up. I am impatient with myself and feel that I can't pull my own weight, that I'm not doing enough. I feel weak. These are important things, things about myself that I need to be aware of. Now, I can recognize these things as being self-generated nonsense. I'm aware of monumental power in tiny packages. I am aware of my power and strength.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 11/20/13
I've wanted to write for a few days. I nearly lost the topic I had chanced upon. In that time, the idea has evolved.
I have recognized that my feelings do not limit my actions. In other words, if I want to do something, these feelings of fear can't stop me. I know how to breathe and step into my fear. Whenever I step into fear, I decrease its power over me. I find that it's easier to act quickly. The longer I wait, the more inertia there is to overcome. This is a key piece of information for me because I am afraid.
Having said that, I recognize the power of the Law of Attraction. The more I am in the flow of life and the more I feel confidence and power, the more I attract those things that support those feelings. I think these two keys can help me move forward.
Finally, I recognize that I have difficulty making choices. I have difficulty deciding between taking a job in software development that I know pays well and supports me, or letting go of that and focusing on Sacred Intimacy which is emotionally demanding and may not meet my financial needs. I often get stuck not out of fear, but from wondering if I really want to do something. I wake up at night afraid I'm on the wrong path, wondering how I'm going to support myself and my partner.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/21/13
I'd like to put my imagination to work. I used to pretend when I was growing up. I was a science officer on the Enterprise exploring the universe, Now, I feel stuck by the story I tell myself. I want a new story.
I tend to live in fear for no good reason. I am aware of my mortality. I fear people thinking I am not perfect. I don't like making mistakes and question my decision to quit work. I am afraid that I won't find another job like I had before and afraid that I will. All of this is nonsense. I am powerful.
So I imagine. I imagine going on cruises and taking sacred erotic intensives. I imagine life in a sex monastery. I imagine supporting my partner financially as he finds a job that makes him happy or has no job at all. I imagine exploring the universe of mind. I imagine having the energy to do all the things I want, and not being tired so often. I imagine being awake. I imagine the universe supporting me. I imagine opening my heart. I imagine being a certified sexological bodyworker, a licensed Unity teacher, and having degrees in computer science and physics. I imagine reading books, learning new technologies. I imagine knowing what to do next.
This is a journal entry from Friday 11/22/13
What else can I imagine? I remember the fireplace in the lodge on the mountaintop and journaling late at night, unable to sleep. I felt the presence of a man, an elder. I am not limited.
I imagine being greater, a mystic, enlightened, fully in the present. I don't need things. Can I be a beacon? I imagine being organized and having a simple life. I imagine feeling peaceful and contented. I see sex and science and spirituality.
I don't want to be defined, so I don't like to make choices - but that defines me. I am a scientist, a programmer, a seeker, a Sacred Intimate, a sexual explorer, a writer.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Some Time Related Thoughts
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 10/22/13
I can do whatever I like. I can have anything. At this moment, there's nothing I really want, but I feel like I need an income. I have not been trying to find a job. The recruiters bring me things that don't match my desires. Maybe I need something simpler.
Steven Pressfield was on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday and talking about resistance being a natural reaction to your calling. I'm resisting finding a day job to support my calling. I know better how to step into fear. I don't feel as confident telling people what I have to offer. Breathing helps. Stepping forward quickly helps rush past fear.
I don't want to keep pursuing jobs that I don't want. They threaten to take all my time to work on Sacred Intimacy. There are many men who know my most authentic self. I feel loved and appreciated. My tribe is spread all over the world. I've got friends in Sydney.
Software development can be fun, but I don't want it to control my life. It's difficult to keep up with. I've tended to come home from these jobs completely exhausted and unable to work on my own projects.
There is also an issue with time for me. Between the number of things I want to do and the number of things I think I need to do, there is very little time to do anything. I get seized up. This is resistance.
I don't want to work. I want to find ways to make money. Do I want to run a porn studio? How long would it take to write a book? How could I be a sex advocate?
The DVD is made. If I get sales, I can do the deliveries. I now have time to make money. Any job I take should give me time to grow my SI and erotic education business. That implies somewhat flexible hours.
It feels like I can focus on one thing at a time. Software development or Sacred Intimacy. It feels like working on one makes me feel neglectful of the other. Let me think about my calling.
I am here to serve. I don't think I could serve as a sex slave, but I can serve sexuality and erotically. There are hungry people and homeless people and poor people. There is the wounded environment. There is war. There is ignorance. There is pain and suffering. Suffering is an option. I would love to serve someone who was addressing one or more of these issues.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/24/13
If I don't worry about money, what would I want to do? How would I want to spend my time? I want to play. I would still want more time.
I think I'm afraid to help. I'm afraid of trying to help, that I might make things worse. I don't feel confident. Is that what's holding me back? One thought process is that I don't want to work at all because it's hard. I'd rather travel and go on cruises and lay by the pool. I don't think that would be satisfying.
I want to do something. I want to contribute to a better world. I'm concerned with hunger, homelessness, poverty and war. I'm concerned with ignorance. My sense is that I want to help empower myself at a younger age. That's a new idea. Having the wounds that I have, I can help those with similar wounds.
Really, all of this change came about because I got tired of working for a large company doing software development. I was just plain tired of it. I like programming, but I didn't like feeling always under pressure to do my work. There was never enough time. I was always working and never had time to learn the technologies I was using in a comprehensive way. So that's what I want. Time.
There are too many things to do and not enough time to do them well. That is my fundamental issue. It's what has been following me - and many others - since I went to college. I feel slow and the world around me says that slow is bad.
It feels like there are too many things to do, but often I avoid doing anything. I would like to resolve this issue in my life. A good part of the problem is procrastination. Part is feeling overwhelmed. What factors contribute to feeling overwhelmed? Environment. Deciding what to work on. Maybe I can make progress on both. I will move all appearances of backlog out of my office. That way, I can have a clean organized office and work on one chunk of it at a time. Then I will keep a rolling list of things to do, but each night I can examine it for a manageable set of things to do the next day. When I'm done with that list, I'm done and the rest of the day is free.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 10/27/13
I still want to complete my Yoga of Sex course. I'm just at the point of making progress with my life. I am able to move forward when I feel stuck. What direction is important. Staying on course is important. I feel I need to maintain a serial path. What does that look like?
This is a journal entry from Sunday 11/3/13
I had a dream that woke me up last night. Someone was in custody. As long as we didn't talk to each other directly, the guards didn't keep us from communicating. If my friend in custody could figure that out, we could communicate.
Related to that was trying to get the person in custody released. There was an understanding that a leadership change or something could lead to the release. I felt that change had happened and was arguing for it.
As I lay sleepless, I felt that my friend in custody was a part of myself that I was disconnected from. I feel I found a way to communicate with it and eventually free this aspect of myself. This part of myself is feminine - a reflection of my masculine.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 11/5/13
I have HIV. It's normal to feel tired. I am older. It's natural to feel tired. I want to give myself a break and learn to live with feeling tired. Unfortunately, prospective employers won't be as forgiving. I need to bring my A game to interviews. I need to present the image of energy and power to software development work.
I think part of the reason I feel stuck is because I haven't fully accepted where I am. I feel tired. I don't feel I have the energy to keep up with software development. I can't talk enough about the technologies I use during interviews. I can't spend so much time trying to keep up with deadlines beyond my ability and also have time to grow my skills and also have time to practice and grow my Sacred Intimacy "business."
This is another piece of the puzzle. It feels important to step back and solve the riddle for myself rather than try to drive myself to act in a way contrary to my nature. I need to recognize where my power is. It may mean getting people to help me realize a vision.
Also, there is uncertainty. How much time do I have left in this world? I don't want to go back to work to make money for retirement and then never enjoy it. I don't want to die working unless I find the work meaningful. Making retirement money isn't particularly meaningful.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 11/6/13
I still haven't surrendered. Who I am is so far beyond my experience. The image I have in mind of helping others overcome the sexual/spiritual division within themselves doesn't fit my experience of being a software developer. I haven't accepted my circumstances. I am tired. I have HIV and I am aging. I can't keep pace with the ever advancing industry. I don't have patience for arbitrary deadlines that prevent me from enjoying my work.
I don't know how much time I have left. If time was short, I could clean up the remainder of my life so that those who survive me will have an easier time. If time is long, I need to get back to the industry to grow my retirement. I don't want to do that if my time is short. If my time is short, I want to live while I can.
Once I die, it won't matter either way, but in the meantime I have financial needs. There's no way to plan with so much unknown.
Can I find a company where software is an art? One where we can take time to perfect one application? What does one perfect software application look like? Software is what I know. How can I tie that to sacred sex? There must be a connection.
I come back to an idea of prosperity that is concrete, the agrarian model. Planting crops in Spring, cultivating them over the summer and harvesting in the Fall. Planting, allowing it to grow, and harvesting - saving something to plant in Spring. Steady growth. This is organic. How is that mirrored in my life? How do I multiply my prosperity? I need something I can grow.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/7/13
I claim responsibility for my time. I take back my power. Without ambiguity, I reclaim the time the world has stolen from me. Everyone needs to begin owning their life and for me, that means knowing I have all the time in the world.
I am always seeing people in commercials who are taking drugs to mask their symptoms and go back to work because they don't have time. But we do have time. Employers want more and more effort to remain competitive. Each of us needs to break free.
I have all the time I need. I have exactly the right amount of time. It can't be any different. I have the perfect amount of time always.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 11/9/13
I always have exactly the right amount of time.
I can pursue any activity I like. I could go back to school to complete a masters in computer science. I could complete the studies I've already been working on. I tend to get bogged down during the day trying to decide what to do, but I'm getting better with that. Currently it's trying to decide what I want to pursue.
One thing that trips me up is thinking I'm not doing enough. There are always things I haven't done at the end of the day. I want so much. If I can decide, then things can be simpler, and shift.
Even if I continue with education, I feel that it's time to practice what I've learned. I don't want to practice forever. With that DVD, I created something of value. If I can get it in front of the right people, it will sell. It's time to open the floodgates of prosperity. I have one avenue that is not time based. I can also do SI work and take a full time job, if I find a job that doesn't kill me. What do I do well? Where do I flow?
This is a journal entry from Sunday 11/10/13
I'm trying to sort my feelings. I am not feeling serious about doing Java development again. The interviews scare me. My confidence is shaken. If I was serious, I could do some studying and preparation and maybe get the job.
Instead, I want to understand what I am called to do and find prosperity to support that. I want to continue to travel, to have plenty of vacation for travel and workshops. But what do I want to do? How do I want to be of service? Again, I don't want to take more time to study and prepare. I don't want to focus on self satisfaction as much. Forgetting about money, how do I wish to serve?
There is a happy path. A path where I am completely in the flow. I get sad when I think of working a full time development job for someone else. I feel angst when I think about not having a job/regular income. There is another path. The happy path has immediate income to allay my fear of becoming unemployable.
I can do whatever I like. I can have anything. At this moment, there's nothing I really want, but I feel like I need an income. I have not been trying to find a job. The recruiters bring me things that don't match my desires. Maybe I need something simpler.
Steven Pressfield was on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday and talking about resistance being a natural reaction to your calling. I'm resisting finding a day job to support my calling. I know better how to step into fear. I don't feel as confident telling people what I have to offer. Breathing helps. Stepping forward quickly helps rush past fear.
I don't want to keep pursuing jobs that I don't want. They threaten to take all my time to work on Sacred Intimacy. There are many men who know my most authentic self. I feel loved and appreciated. My tribe is spread all over the world. I've got friends in Sydney.
Software development can be fun, but I don't want it to control my life. It's difficult to keep up with. I've tended to come home from these jobs completely exhausted and unable to work on my own projects.
There is also an issue with time for me. Between the number of things I want to do and the number of things I think I need to do, there is very little time to do anything. I get seized up. This is resistance.
I don't want to work. I want to find ways to make money. Do I want to run a porn studio? How long would it take to write a book? How could I be a sex advocate?
The DVD is made. If I get sales, I can do the deliveries. I now have time to make money. Any job I take should give me time to grow my SI and erotic education business. That implies somewhat flexible hours.
It feels like I can focus on one thing at a time. Software development or Sacred Intimacy. It feels like working on one makes me feel neglectful of the other. Let me think about my calling.
I am here to serve. I don't think I could serve as a sex slave, but I can serve sexuality and erotically. There are hungry people and homeless people and poor people. There is the wounded environment. There is war. There is ignorance. There is pain and suffering. Suffering is an option. I would love to serve someone who was addressing one or more of these issues.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/24/13
If I don't worry about money, what would I want to do? How would I want to spend my time? I want to play. I would still want more time.
I think I'm afraid to help. I'm afraid of trying to help, that I might make things worse. I don't feel confident. Is that what's holding me back? One thought process is that I don't want to work at all because it's hard. I'd rather travel and go on cruises and lay by the pool. I don't think that would be satisfying.
I want to do something. I want to contribute to a better world. I'm concerned with hunger, homelessness, poverty and war. I'm concerned with ignorance. My sense is that I want to help empower myself at a younger age. That's a new idea. Having the wounds that I have, I can help those with similar wounds.
Really, all of this change came about because I got tired of working for a large company doing software development. I was just plain tired of it. I like programming, but I didn't like feeling always under pressure to do my work. There was never enough time. I was always working and never had time to learn the technologies I was using in a comprehensive way. So that's what I want. Time.
There are too many things to do and not enough time to do them well. That is my fundamental issue. It's what has been following me - and many others - since I went to college. I feel slow and the world around me says that slow is bad.
It feels like there are too many things to do, but often I avoid doing anything. I would like to resolve this issue in my life. A good part of the problem is procrastination. Part is feeling overwhelmed. What factors contribute to feeling overwhelmed? Environment. Deciding what to work on. Maybe I can make progress on both. I will move all appearances of backlog out of my office. That way, I can have a clean organized office and work on one chunk of it at a time. Then I will keep a rolling list of things to do, but each night I can examine it for a manageable set of things to do the next day. When I'm done with that list, I'm done and the rest of the day is free.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 10/27/13
I still want to complete my Yoga of Sex course. I'm just at the point of making progress with my life. I am able to move forward when I feel stuck. What direction is important. Staying on course is important. I feel I need to maintain a serial path. What does that look like?
This is a journal entry from Sunday 11/3/13
I had a dream that woke me up last night. Someone was in custody. As long as we didn't talk to each other directly, the guards didn't keep us from communicating. If my friend in custody could figure that out, we could communicate.
Related to that was trying to get the person in custody released. There was an understanding that a leadership change or something could lead to the release. I felt that change had happened and was arguing for it.
As I lay sleepless, I felt that my friend in custody was a part of myself that I was disconnected from. I feel I found a way to communicate with it and eventually free this aspect of myself. This part of myself is feminine - a reflection of my masculine.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 11/5/13
I have HIV. It's normal to feel tired. I am older. It's natural to feel tired. I want to give myself a break and learn to live with feeling tired. Unfortunately, prospective employers won't be as forgiving. I need to bring my A game to interviews. I need to present the image of energy and power to software development work.
I think part of the reason I feel stuck is because I haven't fully accepted where I am. I feel tired. I don't feel I have the energy to keep up with software development. I can't talk enough about the technologies I use during interviews. I can't spend so much time trying to keep up with deadlines beyond my ability and also have time to grow my skills and also have time to practice and grow my Sacred Intimacy "business."
This is another piece of the puzzle. It feels important to step back and solve the riddle for myself rather than try to drive myself to act in a way contrary to my nature. I need to recognize where my power is. It may mean getting people to help me realize a vision.
Also, there is uncertainty. How much time do I have left in this world? I don't want to go back to work to make money for retirement and then never enjoy it. I don't want to die working unless I find the work meaningful. Making retirement money isn't particularly meaningful.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 11/6/13
I still haven't surrendered. Who I am is so far beyond my experience. The image I have in mind of helping others overcome the sexual/spiritual division within themselves doesn't fit my experience of being a software developer. I haven't accepted my circumstances. I am tired. I have HIV and I am aging. I can't keep pace with the ever advancing industry. I don't have patience for arbitrary deadlines that prevent me from enjoying my work.
I don't know how much time I have left. If time was short, I could clean up the remainder of my life so that those who survive me will have an easier time. If time is long, I need to get back to the industry to grow my retirement. I don't want to do that if my time is short. If my time is short, I want to live while I can.
Once I die, it won't matter either way, but in the meantime I have financial needs. There's no way to plan with so much unknown.
Can I find a company where software is an art? One where we can take time to perfect one application? What does one perfect software application look like? Software is what I know. How can I tie that to sacred sex? There must be a connection.
I come back to an idea of prosperity that is concrete, the agrarian model. Planting crops in Spring, cultivating them over the summer and harvesting in the Fall. Planting, allowing it to grow, and harvesting - saving something to plant in Spring. Steady growth. This is organic. How is that mirrored in my life? How do I multiply my prosperity? I need something I can grow.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/7/13
I claim responsibility for my time. I take back my power. Without ambiguity, I reclaim the time the world has stolen from me. Everyone needs to begin owning their life and for me, that means knowing I have all the time in the world.
I am always seeing people in commercials who are taking drugs to mask their symptoms and go back to work because they don't have time. But we do have time. Employers want more and more effort to remain competitive. Each of us needs to break free.
I have all the time I need. I have exactly the right amount of time. It can't be any different. I have the perfect amount of time always.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 11/9/13
I always have exactly the right amount of time.
I can pursue any activity I like. I could go back to school to complete a masters in computer science. I could complete the studies I've already been working on. I tend to get bogged down during the day trying to decide what to do, but I'm getting better with that. Currently it's trying to decide what I want to pursue.
One thing that trips me up is thinking I'm not doing enough. There are always things I haven't done at the end of the day. I want so much. If I can decide, then things can be simpler, and shift.
Even if I continue with education, I feel that it's time to practice what I've learned. I don't want to practice forever. With that DVD, I created something of value. If I can get it in front of the right people, it will sell. It's time to open the floodgates of prosperity. I have one avenue that is not time based. I can also do SI work and take a full time job, if I find a job that doesn't kill me. What do I do well? Where do I flow?
This is a journal entry from Sunday 11/10/13
I'm trying to sort my feelings. I am not feeling serious about doing Java development again. The interviews scare me. My confidence is shaken. If I was serious, I could do some studying and preparation and maybe get the job.
Instead, I want to understand what I am called to do and find prosperity to support that. I want to continue to travel, to have plenty of vacation for travel and workshops. But what do I want to do? How do I want to be of service? Again, I don't want to take more time to study and prepare. I don't want to focus on self satisfaction as much. Forgetting about money, how do I wish to serve?
There is a happy path. A path where I am completely in the flow. I get sad when I think of working a full time development job for someone else. I feel angst when I think about not having a job/regular income. There is another path. The happy path has immediate income to allay my fear of becoming unemployable.
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