This is a journal entry from Tuesday 10/22/13
I can do whatever I like. I can have anything. At this moment, there's nothing I really want, but I feel like I need an income. I have not been trying to find a job. The recruiters bring me things that don't match my desires. Maybe I need something simpler.
Steven Pressfield was on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday and talking about resistance being a natural reaction to your calling. I'm resisting finding a day job to support my calling. I know better how to step into fear. I don't feel as confident telling people what I have to offer. Breathing helps. Stepping forward quickly helps rush past fear.
I don't want to keep pursuing jobs that I don't want. They threaten to take all my time to work on Sacred Intimacy. There are many men who know my most authentic self. I feel loved and appreciated. My tribe is spread all over the world. I've got friends in Sydney.
Software development can be fun, but I don't want it to control my life. It's difficult to keep up with. I've tended to come home from these jobs completely exhausted and unable to work on my own projects.
There is also an issue with time for me. Between the number of things I want to do and the number of things I think I need to do, there is very little time to do anything. I get seized up. This is resistance.
I don't want to work. I want to find ways to make money. Do I want to run a porn studio? How long would it take to write a book? How could I be a sex advocate?
The DVD is made. If I get sales, I can do the deliveries. I now have time to make money. Any job I take should give me time to grow my SI and erotic education business. That implies somewhat flexible hours.
It feels like I can focus on one thing at a time. Software development or Sacred Intimacy. It feels like working on one makes me feel neglectful of the other. Let me think about my calling.
I am here to serve. I don't think I could serve as a sex slave, but I can serve sexuality and erotically. There are hungry people and homeless people and poor people. There is the wounded environment. There is war. There is ignorance. There is pain and suffering. Suffering is an option. I would love to serve someone who was addressing one or more of these issues.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/24/13
If I don't worry about money, what would I want to do? How would I want to spend my time? I want to play. I would still want more time.
I think I'm afraid to help. I'm afraid of trying to help, that I might make things worse. I don't feel confident. Is that what's holding me back? One thought process is that I don't want to work at all because it's hard. I'd rather travel and go on cruises and lay by the pool. I don't think that would be satisfying.
I want to do something. I want to contribute to a better world. I'm concerned with hunger, homelessness, poverty and war. I'm concerned with ignorance. My sense is that I want to help empower myself at a younger age. That's a new idea. Having the wounds that I have, I can help those with similar wounds.
Really, all of this change came about because I got tired of working for a large company doing software development. I was just plain tired of it. I like programming, but I didn't like feeling always under pressure to do my work. There was never enough time. I was always working and never had time to learn the technologies I was using in a comprehensive way. So that's what I want. Time.
There are too many things to do and not enough time to do them well. That is my fundamental issue. It's what has been following me - and many others - since I went to college. I feel slow and the world around me says that slow is bad.
It feels like there are too many things to do, but often I avoid doing anything. I would like to resolve this issue in my life. A good part of the problem is procrastination. Part is feeling overwhelmed. What factors contribute to feeling overwhelmed? Environment. Deciding what to work on. Maybe I can make progress on both. I will move all appearances of backlog out of my office. That way, I can have a clean organized office and work on one chunk of it at a time. Then I will keep a rolling list of things to do, but each night I can examine it for a manageable set of things to do the next day. When I'm done with that list, I'm done and the rest of the day is free.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 10/27/13
I still want to complete my Yoga of Sex course. I'm just at the point of making progress with my life. I am able to move forward when I feel stuck. What direction is important. Staying on course is important. I feel I need to maintain a serial path. What does that look like?
This is a journal entry from Sunday 11/3/13
I had a dream that woke me up last night. Someone was in custody. As long as we didn't talk to each other directly, the guards didn't keep us from communicating. If my friend in custody could figure that out, we could communicate.
Related to that was trying to get the person in custody released. There was an understanding that a leadership change or something could lead to the release. I felt that change had happened and was arguing for it.
As I lay sleepless, I felt that my friend in custody was a part of myself that I was disconnected from. I feel I found a way to communicate with it and eventually free this aspect of myself. This part of myself is feminine - a reflection of my masculine.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 11/5/13
I have HIV. It's normal to feel tired. I am older. It's natural to feel tired. I want to give myself a break and learn to live with feeling tired. Unfortunately, prospective employers won't be as forgiving. I need to bring my A game to interviews. I need to present the image of energy and power to software development work.
I think part of the reason I feel stuck is because I haven't fully accepted where I am. I feel tired. I don't feel I have the energy to keep up with software development. I can't talk enough about the technologies I use during interviews. I can't spend so much time trying to keep up with deadlines beyond my ability and also have time to grow my skills and also have time to practice and grow my Sacred Intimacy "business."
This is another piece of the puzzle. It feels important to step back and solve the riddle for myself rather than try to drive myself to act in a way contrary to my nature. I need to recognize where my power is. It may mean getting people to help me realize a vision.
Also, there is uncertainty. How much time do I have left in this world? I don't want to go back to work to make money for retirement and then never enjoy it. I don't want to die working unless I find the work meaningful. Making retirement money isn't particularly meaningful.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 11/6/13
I still haven't surrendered. Who I am is so far beyond my experience. The image I have in mind of helping others overcome the sexual/spiritual division within themselves doesn't fit my experience of being a software developer. I haven't accepted my circumstances. I am tired. I have HIV and I am aging. I can't keep pace with the ever advancing industry. I don't have patience for arbitrary deadlines that prevent me from enjoying my work.
I don't know how much time I have left. If time was short, I could clean up the remainder of my life so that those who survive me will have an easier time. If time is long, I need to get back to the industry to grow my retirement. I don't want to do that if my time is short. If my time is short, I want to live while I can.
Once I die, it won't matter either way, but in the meantime I have financial needs. There's no way to plan with so much unknown.
Can I find a company where software is an art? One where we can take time to perfect one application? What does one perfect software application look like? Software is what I know. How can I tie that to sacred sex? There must be a connection.
I come back to an idea of prosperity that is concrete, the agrarian model. Planting crops in Spring, cultivating them over the summer and harvesting in the Fall. Planting, allowing it to grow, and harvesting - saving something to plant in Spring. Steady growth. This is organic. How is that mirrored in my life? How do I multiply my prosperity? I need something I can grow.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/7/13
I claim responsibility for my time. I take back my power. Without ambiguity, I reclaim the time the world has stolen from me. Everyone needs to begin owning their life and for me, that means knowing I have all the time in the world.
I am always seeing people in commercials who are taking drugs to mask their symptoms and go back to work because they don't have time. But we do have time. Employers want more and more effort to remain competitive. Each of us needs to break free.
I have all the time I need. I have exactly the right amount of time. It can't be any different. I have the perfect amount of time always.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 11/9/13
I always have exactly the right amount of time.
I can pursue any activity I like. I could go back to school to complete a masters in computer science. I could complete the studies I've already been working on. I tend to get bogged down during the day trying to decide what to do, but I'm getting better with that. Currently it's trying to decide what I want to pursue.
One thing that trips me up is thinking I'm not doing enough. There are always things I haven't done at the end of the day. I want so much. If I can decide, then things can be simpler, and shift.
Even if I continue with education, I feel that it's time to practice what I've learned. I don't want to practice forever. With that DVD, I created something of value. If I can get it in front of the right people, it will sell. It's time to open the floodgates of prosperity. I have one avenue that is not time based. I can also do SI work and take a full time job, if I find a job that doesn't kill me. What do I do well? Where do I flow?
This is a journal entry from Sunday 11/10/13
I'm trying to sort my feelings. I am not feeling serious about doing Java development again. The interviews scare me. My confidence is shaken. If I was serious, I could do some studying and preparation and maybe get the job.
Instead, I want to understand what I am called to do and find prosperity to support that. I want to continue to travel, to have plenty of vacation for travel and workshops. But what do I want to do? How do I want to be of service? Again, I don't want to take more time to study and prepare. I don't want to focus on self satisfaction as much. Forgetting about money, how do I wish to serve?
There is a happy path. A path where I am completely in the flow. I get sad when I think of working a full time development job for someone else. I feel angst when I think about not having a job/regular income. There is another path. The happy path has immediate income to allay my fear of becoming unemployable.