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Monday, December 30, 2013

New Mission and Vision for 2014

This is a journal entry from Friday 11/29/13

I am thinking about gratitude. It's hard not to be worried about the future. At the same time, I've been away from work since April and I can still pay my bills. Today, all my needs are met.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 12/5/13

I'd like to earn $1000 per year and save $20k per year maxing out a 401k or other retirement account. I'd like an intensive and vacation each year – maybe 10k per year.

I'd like to work 5 hours a day 4 days a week or 20 hours per week. I'd like 3 free days per week. I'd like 5 vacations a year – 3 short and 2 long. With my free time, I will take classes and learn things deeply, spend time nude sunbathing. Tech classes, erotic classes, science classes, philosophy classes. Reading science fiction. Spiritual and erotic retreats. I like work that has right answers – like software development with time to explore the code. I like work that is deep and meaningful. Joy?

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 12/10/13

I'm having a crisis. I don't want to do this anymore. It's not a lack of confidence, but a feeling that I don't want to make a career of this.

I hit a block today. I feel uncomfortable. It has to do with my thoughts. I can't explain. I don't want to be controversial. I think I'm feeling shame. How can I take care of myself?

I'm picking up clients, slowly and surely. Do I believe in the work I am doing? Yes. There is a need for this kind of work. I believe I have the potential to do this well. I am also afraid of being rejected. I don't know how to express this work to those that see sex as a moral weakness. I know there are those who would judge me because I judge myself.

This is a journal entry from Friday 12/20/13

I remember snippets of a dream. I put a clipboard on the wall next to someone who had been working hard on something. She was exasperated when she saw that I got employee of the month. I explained it was from last month and she'd be getting it for this month.

Maybe in a different dream, my mother was driving somewhere. There were little explosions of gas beneath tire blocks. It was raining with lots of water. I guessed it was pressure from the water making the little explosions. It may have just been a dream telling me to get up and pee. :)

Where do I want to go? Where do I want to end up?

I want to travel: Amsterdam, Hawaii... I want an intensive each year. I want vacations in Palm Springs, Key West and on cruise ships. I want to be comfortable around people.

The last one... I haven't always been comfortable around others. I learned that. I want to be popular for being myself.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 12/21/13

Where do I want to end up? I want to be able to support my partner so that he can find work that makes him happy. I want a house where we can park our camper, have a separate entrance to The Temple. The Temple should be able to support all intentions without needing a separate dungeon. The house should be big enough to have boarders. I still want to be able to travel.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 12/26/13

I'm developing a visualization exercise to help me develop some motivation and some manifestation. This is not the final version:

I am on the stage again. I'm amazed how much I enjoy this. Thousands of people watch me as I open my heart and soul to them. I feel energized and loved. I feel lifted up.

Later, I am at another intensive. Each one I attend teaches me more about myself, opens my heart a little more. I love being of service to the other participants. I love allowing them to serve me. The natural environment is beautiful I weep with joy.

Later, I'm back with my housemates. Sharing expenses makes living very inexpensive. It's a challenge to live together, but there is so much love and growth we share. We are a family. We support each other even when we disagree.

I keep coming back to a greater need for depth. There is such a shallowness in the world and the deeper need for connection is like a malaise. The shallowness. Where is my depth? How do I share that? How do I express it? I feel like there's something I need to do, a different way of being, a complete surrender to my true nature.

This is a journal entry from Friday 12/27/13

I'm still torn about ideas of spirituality. I see the example of Jesus and Buddha who step out with nothing. I feel that that is what god wants from me. But the fact is that I don't know what God has in store for me. Do I have the courage to live my life out loud? That is the crux. That is what I fear.

Living my life out loud could mean being unemployable in the corporate world. That is where any deviation is used to eliminate resum├ęs. If they see me as a pornographer and prostitute, they won't see my technical skills. But I have technical skills. It's time to use them for my own benefit. Maybe that's the lesson for me. Companies have paid me large sums of money to use my skills. Even if I'm not with a company, those skills are still valuable.

That makes me feel electric. Maybe I'm on the right track.

So, what is my mission? Generally, a mission statement is relatively stable, but mine has changed and I'm still not satisfied. My interest in science and technology needs to be represented. My inward focus on consciousness should also be represented as it is the cornerstone of my spirituality. Does sex belong in my mission statement? Maybe it obscures something deeper. Love.

I often find myself rushed and upset. Not very loving. At the same time, I feel myself tearing up at the suffering in the world. I want to slow down and not feel so intolerant of the people I meet. I forget they know suffering.

My mission involves service. I still feel most complete when I serve a leader, when I am a sidekick, faithful companion.

Service, science and technology, spirituality. But more important, deep work that's hard to categorize

What is the underlying theme? What is it I do that is so automatic that I can't see it? Anonymous sex. Computer hardware repair. Software development. Bug fixing. Believing in God. Journaling. Thinking.

I have wanted to understand. How the physical world works. How programming works. I have sought to control my world by understanding it. I have made money fixing things that were broken. I could say my mission was to understand the world, but that wouldn't mean anything if that understanding was the end.

My vision has to do with how I am manifesting my mission in the next year. I want to be making money to support my mission of exploration. I want to begin speaking.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 12/29/13

I'm going to continue working on my visualization. Maybe I need several to work from. I want a lot, even though I don't want much. First is authenticity. I don't feel like I'm being true to myself. I still feel like I need to hide who I truly am and maybe that I'm hiding from myself. How do I know when I'm being true to myself? When I can feel safe making mistakes. When I can allow myself to be human. When I can laugh and cry with others. When I can let my guard down.

Imagining being on stage naked giving a lecture to an auditorium with hundreds or thousands of people.

My Mission is to seek to understand the world so that I can help make it better.

My vision is to grow my prosperity in support of my mission through service, to live my life out-loud, to complete my training, and to teach what I have learned.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Three Circles Heart Ritual

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Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Feelings, Fear, and Imagination

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 11/12/13

I live in an abundant universe. I am surrounded by riches. I haven't been feeling this, but I know it's true. I think that the key to prosperity is to pay attention. If I know that wealth is available, then I should be able to notice it and make use of it. Anything I desire can be mine.

In spite of this, I want cash. I want enough money to not have to think about money again. But focusing on that takes me out of the moment.

Which brings me back to the real question: What do I want? If I can't answer that, where do I flow?

This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/14/13

I feel like there's a decision to make, but I'm not clear on my choices. I could find a new job as a Java developer full time. I could find a part-time job for as much money per hour as I could get. I could focus on making money with my DVD. I could focus on my Sacred Intimacy practice.

What I really want is to explore sexuality as a Sacred Intimate at this moment. I don't know how long that will last. It is challenging.

I remind myself that I am not doing this on my own. I ask my Higher Power to guide me. I deserve prosperity as well as any other person. I sense my attitude and confidence are key. Sitting still in churn doesn't serve me. Do anything, but I don't want to get caught up in Facebook or TV. I want to avoid distraction.

Why are so many of my tasks solo tasks? Reading books? Taking classes? If I am a team player, where is my team?

Distractions. Time. I don't need to feel rushed if I can stay focused. There are many things that feel important, plenty I'd like to do. It makes me feel impatient with myself. Thanks to the reflective nature of Soul, I sense this impatience in others. It makes me feel inadequate, that I'm not smart enough to keep up. I am impatient with myself and feel that I can't pull my own weight, that I'm not doing enough. I feel weak. These are important things, things about myself that I need to be aware of. Now, I can recognize these things as being self-generated nonsense. I'm aware of monumental power in tiny packages. I am aware of my power and strength.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 11/20/13

I've wanted to write for a few days. I nearly lost the topic I had chanced upon. In that time, the idea has evolved.

I have recognized that my feelings do not limit my actions. In other words, if I want to do something, these feelings of fear can't stop me. I know how to breathe and step into my fear. Whenever I step into fear, I decrease its power over me. I find that it's easier to act quickly. The longer I wait, the more inertia there is to overcome. This is a key piece of information for me because I am afraid.

Having said that, I recognize the power of the Law of Attraction. The more I am in the flow of life and the more I feel confidence and power, the more I attract those things that support those feelings. I think these two keys can help me move forward.

Finally, I recognize that I have difficulty making choices. I have difficulty deciding between taking a job in software development that I know pays well and supports me, or letting go of that and focusing on Sacred Intimacy which is emotionally demanding and may not meet my financial needs. I often get stuck not out of fear, but from wondering if I really want to do something. I wake up at night afraid I'm on the wrong path, wondering how I'm going to support myself and my partner.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/21/13

I'd like to put my imagination to work. I used to pretend when I was growing up. I was a science officer on the Enterprise exploring the universe, Now, I feel stuck by the story I tell myself. I want a new story.

I tend to live in fear for no good reason. I am aware of my mortality. I fear people thinking I am not perfect. I don't like making mistakes and question my decision to quit work. I am afraid that I won't find another job like I had before and afraid that I will. All of this is nonsense. I am powerful.

So I imagine. I imagine going on cruises and taking sacred erotic intensives. I imagine life in a sex monastery. I imagine supporting my partner financially as he finds a job that makes him happy or has no job at all. I imagine exploring the universe of mind. I imagine having the energy to do all the things I want, and not being tired so often. I imagine being awake. I imagine the universe supporting me. I imagine opening my heart. I imagine being a certified sexological bodyworker, a licensed Unity teacher, and having degrees in computer science and physics. I imagine reading books, learning new technologies. I imagine knowing what to do next.

This is a journal entry from Friday 11/22/13

What else can I imagine? I remember the fireplace in the lodge on the mountaintop and journaling late at night, unable to sleep. I felt the presence of a man, an elder. I am not limited.

I imagine being greater, a mystic, enlightened, fully in the present. I don't need things. Can I be a beacon? I imagine being organized and having a simple life. I imagine feeling peaceful and contented. I see sex and science and spirituality.

I don't want to be defined, so I don't like to make choices - but that defines me. I am a scientist, a programmer, a seeker, a Sacred Intimate, a sexual explorer, a writer.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Some Time Related Thoughts

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 10/22/13

I can do whatever I like. I can have anything. At this moment, there's nothing I really want, but I feel like I need an income. I have not been trying to find a job. The recruiters bring me things that don't match my desires. Maybe I need something simpler.

Steven Pressfield was on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday and talking about resistance being a natural reaction to your calling. I'm resisting finding a day job to support my calling. I know better how to step into fear. I don't feel as confident telling people what I have to offer. Breathing helps. Stepping forward quickly helps rush past fear.

I don't want to keep pursuing jobs that I don't want. They threaten to take all my time to work on Sacred Intimacy. There are many men who know my most authentic self. I feel loved and appreciated. My tribe is spread all over the world. I've got friends in Sydney.

Software development can be fun, but I don't want it to control my life. It's difficult to keep up with. I've tended to come home from these jobs completely exhausted and unable to work on my own projects.

There is also an issue with time for me. Between the number of things I want to do and the number of things I think I need to do, there is very little time to do anything. I get seized up. This is resistance.

I don't want to work. I want to find ways to make money. Do I want to run a porn studio? How long would it take to write a book? How could I be a sex advocate?

The DVD is made. If I get sales, I can do the deliveries. I now have time to make money. Any job I take should give me time to grow my SI and erotic education business. That implies somewhat flexible hours.

It feels like I can focus on one thing at a time. Software development or Sacred Intimacy. It feels like working on one makes me feel neglectful of the other. Let me think about my calling.

I am here to serve. I don't think I could serve as a sex slave, but I can serve sexuality and erotically. There are hungry people and homeless people and poor people. There is the wounded environment. There is war. There is ignorance. There is pain and suffering. Suffering is an option. I would love to serve someone who was addressing one or more of these issues.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/24/13

If I don't worry about money, what would I want to do? How would I want to spend my time? I want to play. I would still want more time.

I think I'm afraid to help. I'm afraid of trying to help, that I might make things worse. I don't feel confident. Is that what's holding me back? One thought process is that I don't want to work at all because it's hard. I'd rather travel and go on cruises and lay by the pool. I don't think that would be satisfying.

I want to do something. I want to contribute to a better world. I'm concerned with hunger, homelessness, poverty and war. I'm concerned with ignorance. My sense is that I want to help empower myself at a younger age. That's a new idea. Having the wounds that I have, I can help those with similar wounds.

Really, all of this change came about because I got tired of working for a large company doing software development. I was just plain tired of it. I like programming, but I didn't like feeling always under pressure to do my work. There was never enough time. I was always working and never had time to learn the technologies I was using in a comprehensive way. So that's what I want. Time.

There are too many things to do and not enough time to do them well. That is my fundamental issue. It's what has been following me - and many others - since I went to college. I feel slow and the world around me says that slow is bad.

It feels like there are too many things to do, but often I avoid doing anything. I would like to resolve this issue in my life. A good part of the problem is procrastination. Part is feeling overwhelmed. What factors contribute to feeling overwhelmed? Environment. Deciding what to work on. Maybe I can make progress on both. I will move all appearances of backlog out of my office. That way, I can have a clean organized office and work on one chunk of it at a time. Then I will keep a rolling list of things to do, but each night I can examine it for a manageable set of things to do the next day. When I'm done with that list, I'm done and the rest of the day is free.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 10/27/13

I still want to complete my Yoga of Sex course. I'm just at the point of making progress with my life. I am able to move forward when I feel stuck. What direction is important. Staying on course is important. I feel I need to maintain a serial path. What does that look like?

This is a journal entry from Sunday 11/3/13

I had a dream that woke me up last night. Someone was in custody. As long as we didn't talk to each other directly, the guards didn't keep us from communicating. If my friend in custody could figure that out, we could communicate.

Related to that was trying to get the person in custody released. There was an understanding that a leadership change or something could lead to the release. I felt that change had happened and was arguing for it.

As I lay sleepless, I felt that my friend in custody was a part of myself that I was disconnected from. I feel I found a way to communicate with it and eventually free this aspect of myself. This part of myself is feminine - a reflection of my masculine.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 11/5/13

I have HIV. It's normal to feel tired. I am older. It's natural to feel tired. I want to give myself a break and learn to live with feeling tired. Unfortunately, prospective employers won't be as forgiving. I need to bring my A game to interviews. I need to present the image of energy and power to software development work.

I think part of the reason I feel stuck is because I haven't fully accepted where I am. I feel tired. I don't feel I have the energy to keep up with software development. I can't talk enough about the technologies I use during interviews. I can't spend so much time trying to keep up with deadlines beyond my ability and also have time to grow my skills and also have time to practice and grow my Sacred Intimacy "business."

This is another piece of the puzzle. It feels important to step back and solve the riddle for myself rather than try to drive myself to act in a way contrary to my nature. I need to recognize where my power is. It may mean getting people to help me realize a vision.

Also, there is uncertainty. How much time do I have left in this world? I don't want to go back to work to make money for retirement and then never enjoy it. I don't want to die working unless I find the work meaningful. Making retirement money isn't particularly meaningful.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 11/6/13

I still haven't surrendered. Who I am is so far beyond my experience. The image I have in mind of helping others overcome the sexual/spiritual division within themselves doesn't fit my experience of being a software developer. I haven't accepted my circumstances. I am tired. I have HIV and I am aging. I can't keep pace with the ever advancing industry. I don't have patience for arbitrary deadlines that prevent me from enjoying my work.

I don't know how much time I have left. If time was short, I could clean up the remainder of my life so that those who survive me will have an easier time. If time is long, I need to get back to the industry to grow my retirement. I don't want to do that if my time is short. If my time is short, I want to live while I can.

Once I die, it won't matter either way, but in the meantime I have financial needs. There's no way to plan with so much unknown.

Can I find a company where software is an art? One where we can take time to perfect one application? What does one perfect software application look like? Software is what I know. How can I tie that to sacred sex? There must be a connection.

I come back to an idea of prosperity that is concrete, the agrarian model. Planting crops in Spring, cultivating them over the summer and harvesting in the Fall. Planting, allowing it to grow, and harvesting - saving something to plant in Spring. Steady growth. This is organic. How is that mirrored in my life? How do I multiply my prosperity? I need something I can grow.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/7/13

I claim responsibility for my time. I take back my power. Without ambiguity, I reclaim the time the world has stolen from me. Everyone needs to begin owning their life and for me, that means knowing I have all the time in the world.

I am always seeing people in commercials who are taking drugs to mask their symptoms and go back to work because they don't have time. But we do have time. Employers want more and more effort to remain competitive. Each of us needs to break free.

I have all the time I need. I have exactly the right amount of time. It can't be any different. I have the perfect amount of time always.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 11/9/13

I always have exactly the right amount of time.

I can pursue any activity I like. I could go back to school to complete a masters in computer science. I could complete the studies I've already been working on. I tend to get bogged down during the day trying to decide what to do, but I'm getting better with that. Currently it's trying to decide what I want to pursue.

One thing that trips me up is thinking I'm not doing enough. There are always things I haven't done at the end of the day. I want so much. If I can decide, then things can be simpler, and shift.

Even if I continue with education, I feel that it's time to practice what I've learned. I don't want to practice forever. With that DVD, I created something of value. If I can get it in front of the right people, it will sell. It's time to open the floodgates of prosperity. I have one avenue that is not time based. I can also do SI work and take a full time job, if I find a job that doesn't kill me. What do I do well? Where do I flow?

This is a journal entry from Sunday 11/10/13

I'm trying to sort my feelings. I am not feeling serious about doing Java development again. The interviews scare me. My confidence is shaken. If I was serious, I could do some studying and preparation and maybe get the job.

Instead, I want to understand what I am called to do and find prosperity to support that. I want to continue to travel, to have plenty of vacation for travel and workshops. But what do I want to do? How do I want to be of service? Again, I don't want to take more time to study and prepare. I don't want to focus on self satisfaction as much. Forgetting about money, how do I wish to serve?

There is a happy path. A path where I am completely in the flow. I get sad when I think of working a full time development job for someone else. I feel angst when I think about not having a job/regular income. There is another path. The happy path has immediate income to allay my fear of becoming unemployable.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Time and Utopia: Journal Entries

This is a journal entry from Sunday 10/6/13

Seek first the Kingdom == Look for evidence of utopia, or recognize the good in people, places, and things that support the faith in the goodness of God.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 10/8/13

I enjoy my morning coffee outdoors, but it will soon be – and already is – too chilly for that. It takes about a half hour to sit and relax. I need time each morning to know that I am OK. I don't know if that looks like meditation, orgasmic  yoga, or something else.

I think I should wake up and have my coffee and then go to the gym. I'll see my partner at the gym when he arrives. I have been waiting for my partner to leave before doing anything. That means waiting until 8 AM.

I see how my  schedule can work. As before, I can alternate orgasmic yoga and working out at the gym. If I get up early enough, I can be ready to go to work at 8 or 9. I can have plenty of time and not feel rushed.

I am going to the gym now.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 10/16/13

I can see now part of the problem. I often try to think about what things I want to include in my days on a regular basis – like orgasmic yoga, exercise, time to journal... I haven't focused on the quality. Then everything turns into scheduling chores.

I'm tired of feeling tired. I would like to feel more awake. I want to feel that my life has meaning and purpose. I want to be aware of the presence of God/Spirit/Consciousness/Love. I want beauty.

This is a journal entry from Friday 10/18/13

How is it that all of our time saving devices are leading us to feel more rushed? I can see from my past times when I eliminated some things from my life and I still didn't gain the time I expected. Why do I feel I don't have time for this or that? Whenever we find free time, we fill it. We use TV, social media, and anything else we can find to keep busy. The companies we work for are in competition, so keeping you artificially busy is intended to help the  bottom line. It works of course, but the price can be heavy.

When I am rushed, I feel overwhelmed and I become less productive. I'm interested in finding out how to be more aware of the spaciousness of time. I'm interested in creating a life that is a work of art, not an efficient machine. I choose how I use my time. Time is open ended. If I focus on flowing with life, I will have time for what's important to me and the rest will drop away.
How will I serve today?

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Creative Erotic Energy - Orgasmic Yoga

This is from a journal entry dated Wednesday 7/10/13

I just had a great Orgasmic Yoga session. My intention was to be present and build my creative erotic energy.

I began by meditating and doing some light stretches. Then I went to erotic touch. My balls still feel full. I began by using my paddle to explore my body. I used light tapping and slapping only. I wanted to know what sensations felt good. I didn't do anything intense or deep, just light sensation. The paddle can also be used to glide over my body hair. It glides very smoothly and is very sensual.

Then I began some genital massage. The paddle had already made me erect. I tried to focus on my intention and was guided to begin fucking my heart. This is nothing literal, but I used imagination to sense my heart as a vagina or a rose with slippery folds of pleasure. I imagined what it would feel like to fuck my heart pussy with my hard dripping cock. The energy built from there. I felt spasms from my belly to my heart and had some full contractions. I was vocalizing things like "Fuck! Shit! Fuck! Shit! I'm a fucking man! Do you understand? I am a fucking man!" It became very intense. After my contractions at the end, I stopped massaging my genitals, but I was still having spasms and was vocalizing some mono-tonal sounds, growling and shouting. I laid back and savored as these things subsided.

I feel very grateful that I can experience these deep moments of pleasure and self love. I want to help others find their way of experiencing this.

Thursday, May 23, 2013


I just came across an evening at the baths that I wrote about in January 1994. I hope you enjoy:

I came and settled into my cubicle. I douche one last time for good measure. Is it out? I see a blow job on a platform. I climb and watch fore a while. I climb down and go over to the movie area. There's a blow job here, too. It ends. I suck the sucker 'till he cums. Someone has been sucking my dick. WE go back to my cubicle and he sticks a dildo up my butt – my new butt plug, my flesh colored dick. He asks all kinds of questions about my sex. Fisting, shaving, spanking. He fucks me for a while. We cuddle. I ask him to spank me. He obliges. He cums in my mouth. I go back to the TV lounge. I get sucked again. I leave and insert my new but plug completely – past the third ripple. I go back out. I sleep. I wake up to a drunk in the next cubicle. I go out. I see some program people. I see a hot one with the military haircut. I fuck someone in their cubicle. I shower. I 69 someone else in his. I don't cum. I visit the TV room. People are masturbating. I suck an interesting shaped dick. Then it fucks me. Someone else sticks his dick in my mouth. I cum. I get to my cubicle for a nap.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Camp DC

This is a journal entry from Saturday 4/27/13

I'm at camp DC. I see people playing at two campsites. The compound is deserted. I'm writing this at the compound. I'm wearing a cock ring and ball stretcher, a yellow jock strap, my chain harness and of course my boots and socks.

I'm trying to open myself to whatever happens today even if nothing happens. The bath tub has tree leaves and needles in it, so it may not be high on the list for people to use for piss play. I'm going to quiet my mind and see what I can see.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/28/13

The weekend went pretty well from a passive point of view. I saw a wonderful healing flogging that was a pleasure to watch. I didn't get tied up or beat on, though. I was still very quiet and constrained. I don't feel established in this community yet.

I tried to make myself available, but I didn't ask anyone to do anything in particular. I wanted to be pissed on yesterday, but I didn't ask anyone and I wasn't aggressive in getting in front of anyone. I'm not sure what else I wanted.

When I used to go to the baths, I was good at knowing when the energy was high. I was good at being the spark that set everything going. These days, the energy level never rises – or at least I don't sense it anymore.