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Saturday, November 22, 2014

Time (again), Priorities and Progress: October Journaling

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This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/2/14

I would like to change my attitude. There's no reason not to feel good on a regular basis. I have a lot of control over my experience. I'm not trapped at my desk at work. I'm not doing anything that makes me feel remorse.

I want to make a fundamental change, but why? What will I look like when I do? I am free. I step more and more deeply into my freedom regularly. That counts for something.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/4/14 

I'm looking at my priorities. It seems to build my SI business, I should become a certified massage therapist. But before I finished that, I wanted my Sexological Bodywork Training. I had put that on hold to focus on my relationship. It's easy to see how those things cascade.

Part of my vision statement is to complete my training. I was specifically thinking about Sexological Bodywork Training, there. What are my real priorities? My relationship. My practice. My prosperity.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/9/14 

What's important to me? It's becoming more important to not feel rushed. I'm tired of having too much to do. Since I create my reality, I'm responsible for that. A human lifetime seems so short. I want to do so much that I hate to do anything.

One time, it might have been fun to be paid for sex. Working in software has been fun, too. A video game has so many constraints and limitations, but writing actual software is very unlimited. It is a creative process, but it's not treated like art. It's treated like an engineering project.

What is important?

My partner is important. Sign language is important because of my partner. Prosperity is important because of the freedom it offers. Overcoming my fears and shames is important because of the freedom it offers. My spiritual practice is important because of the freedom it offers. What is mine to give to the world? What am I here to express? Expressing myself is important because I fear it. It makes me vulnerable. I must be vulnerable in a world where that is not safe.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/11/14

Palm Springs - Healthy Friction 

I'm feeling a little off today. Yesterday, too. Maybe it was the poppers.

One of the nice things about this event is that everyone has permission for self pleasure. It's a short leap to pleasure someone else or to be pleasured. With all the erections, it feels like I need to have one to keep up. How many are supported by Viagra/Cialis? I like to raise my energy and accept my penis without an erection. I haven't been feeling fully at ease. I would like to know what that's teaching me. Maybe it's because I came twice yesterday.

I sense that I want to simplify my life more, but that's so I won't feel so rushed. I don't know. I have glimpsed the magic of the world I live in, how the world I experience is within me. I want more of that world of magic. So simplifying may not be my real goal. The real goal is to step into my power.

There's a sense that I get busy going from one thing to the next, that I'm always on. That's what I want to turn off. I don't want to feel like I'm too busy to live. So how do I step into my power and stop doing?

This is a journal entry from Sunday 10/12/14 

Yes, I want some ritual in my life. I also want to release the feeling I'm always doing something that takes me away from what I want/need to be doing. I want to tie into myself better. What I want to do is to live my life so that when the day is over, I don't feel that I ran out of time before getting to what I wanted to do. I don't want to feel like I'm missing my life.

Chop wood. Carry water.

One factor is second guessing myself, deciding to do whatever I do and then regretting what I didn't do. Did I choose to do the right thing?

I feel like I'm trying to guess what I want to do. What I need to do. Like I don't actually know. I'm getting to know myself.

I feel like I want to work for myself, like I'm tired of working for someone else. Like working for someone else is taking me away from my mission, even if working for someone else gives me resources to do things I want to do.

 I feel that there is a way to be where everything flows and my will is the Universal will. How do I find where that is?

This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/18/14

I'm still very angry. I always get angry when someone get's angry with me. Maybe not always, but it is a pattern. I suppose the details aren't important. I was teasing a friend. Apparently it was bothering him more than I realized. He was perceiving something that I don't believe was true and was not in keeping my personality. I want to lash out, but I'll wait until I am in a more loving space.

Last night, I had some very erotic dreams. I remember sucking on a dildo covered in Crisco. I remember feeling acceptance when I expected judgment.

This is a journal entry from Monday 10/21/14 

I've been feeling bitter. I feel trapped. Someone I thought was a friend hurt me. There is pressure at work.

At the same time, I must recognize that I am creating this. I've seen others maintain good attitudes in difficult situations. My attitude is off. When my attitude is right, my life falls into place.

This is a journal entry from Friday 10/24/14 

I've been touching myself a lot this week. I don't think I've ejaculated since 10/13 - 12 days ago. I've done some meditating almost every morning. When I start self-pleasuring, I don't want to stop. I get so so hard. I love it.

Healing my relationship with time is my focus. I need to stop giving myself so much to do that I am perpetually frustrated. But there's so much I want to do. What do I really want to do and what do other people want me to do that I think are my desires? How much does shame drive my need to do more? How do I live in the moment? My energy is dissipated when I live over a span of time instead of in the moment.

And finally, I need to clear with someone who hurt me who thinks I hurt him. I can't do that from anger.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/25/14

Today, we will do more work on the St. Andrew's Cross. Maybe I'll get more things off my to do list.

My intention remains to heal my relationship with time. I need to understand what that means. 1) at work, I feel that I'm being kept from doing the things important to me - living my mission. 2) In general, I feel like there are too many things to do that keep me from getting to what I really want to do.

Maybe if I can figure out what I'm not getting, I can start to make room for it.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/30/14 

I need to make time to be timeless. I need time to sit and be aware of the eternal nature of time, to break free of the cells of time - like hours, days, and weeks. Awareness of time is great for planning and connecting, but it's no way to live.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

September Journal: Time and Motivation

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 9/2/14

I have thought about what I didn't get done this weekend, which is typical. I didn't focus on what I did. Yesterday felt very unproductive and that was by design, but I still posted my July journal entries. And I sat in front of a web cam. I never did drum up any new business. The x-tube web cams didn't support me.

I want to help heal the world. I don't want to be tied to corporate work. I had a plan. My plan involved writing and video and teaching people to embrace their sensuality in ways that honor Spirit and harm no one.

I mostly want to be able to get above the details so that I can remember the big picture.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/7/14

“Have the courage to live in the world you create.” This is the thought that developed in yesterday's session. My intention was to heal my relationship with time. What came out of that was finding things to be grateful for at work. I came home from work unmotivated and exhausted. It would be good to find more nourishing ways of recovering after work – maybe by offering sessions.

So it comes back to the search for clients. There are people who need what I offer. How do I connect with them? How do I convince someone that I can help them and am worth the money? There are people who could use my help, but think they can do it on their own. And they can, but I can be a great facilitator.

It came to mind how fortunate it is that my experience of the world is expanding. I can see that I live in a world of muggles who keep themselves trapped in conformity in a changing world, but that's not true because we're all wizards. Still, shame keeps us trapped.

I can see now that I can only t each what people are ready to hear. I am continuing to free myself. My mission is to give people permission. The world seems very dysfunctional. While most people just want to live a quiet life, others are killing over ideologies being led by people interested only in power. I'm interested in teaching people that the world is much more vast. We literally create our own experience. I live in a world where I know the erotic is a God given, life affirming gift. That puts me at odds with many who feel that sex is a shameful necessity or that it's only good if it is couched in spirituality. I see it as all good as long as it is consensual. It can bring new life to anything it is mixed with. It is a powerful healing tool and the source of creativity

This is a journal entry from Friday 9/12/14

The world is bigger and more profound than I typically realize. It's time to start living that way. My life is sacred. There's a desire to start on firm footing, and that is it. I can't haphazardly decide to box up my time and pack in activities, but I can hang activities from it like ornaments. I always want to come back to my sacred heart.

I feel called to go beyond ordinary. I desire to release shame. I desire freedom of action. I am supported by ever-present God. He gives me what I need to live my purpose. I have what I need now. I don't need to quit my job and try to survive by massage alone. My job is to remain open and aware

This is a journal entry from Monday 9/15/14

I have seen a larger way of being in the world. I was avoiding something yesterday, the way I often do. I wanted to distract myself with video games or sex. I never found out what it was.

It's what happens when I forget everything exists in this moment now. It means learning new habits that allow me to do that more deeply. That feels like it needs to come first, before packing my daily periods with chores. I want to learn how to live in the world from this place. That's what I'm looking for

This is a journal entry from Saturday 9/27/14


I landed near a river of lava. It was ashen in color. Every now and then, some bright red glowing spots would be visible. Every now and then someone would ski past, heading down the flow. I don't remember what we were talking about.

I stand up and it was night and there were city lights in the valley below. (It wasn't my fault? The environment?) Then we were in the distant past. The lava was mud. I walked across and saw rectangular areas worked in the fields where enormous paintings were being created. It was raining. It felt like I was in a movie. It must have taken a lot of effort to build this facade. Nothing like it would really exist. There was oriental string music playing

This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/28/14

I have a little motivation right now. Do I dare try to stop the train for meditation? It's often hard to get moving on something. I don't want to break the momentum. But this is also the weekend and I don't want to feel like I'm neglecting my partner.

 I need my daily practice. It has been put aside for the past two weeks because of a sore throat, cough, and fevers