Has it really been so long since I last posted. It's time to start getting back on track.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/10/14
On the way to the Naked Yoga Camp, I started to think about being in the flow of spirit. It has to do with seeing all of life as a spiritual journey, everything on purpose. There are no accidents. Everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be. It's not an easy discipline to maintain.
I've touched on it before. The job feel's like that. It was time to start making money again. If the job had not worked out, there was another company I could have fallen back on. This job is great in following my mission.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/22/14
The most solid ritual I have right now is to take time to be still when I wake up. My chatterbox tells me I don't have the discipline for something more. I start my new job on Tuesday. Knowing how to structure my life is important. It's necessary if I want to go on to fulfill my life's work. I don't want to be swallowed by work.
I want to maintain time to be still, time to let my mind wander and relax.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/24/14
I can't see myself. It's not that I'm invisible, but that my perception is distorted. I'm too close to myself for perspective. I look at my painted toenails and appreciate their beauty, but it's stands out when I see another man's painted toenails. In some ways, I don't judge myself as I judge others and other ways I judge myself more.
I think my self image is distorted. I can't see my weakness or strengths. I don't recognize myself as a man. Sometimes I feel annoyed and angry at others. Other times, I feel small and unimportant.
I need other people to look at me and tell me what they see. Even then, they will only be able to tell me what I show them. What is my goal in hearing how people see me? To know my strengths. To see when I should be embarrassed or ashamed. Is that it? Am I trying to find my modesty? Am I trying to see if I'm immoral? I still want to be a good boy.
What is the specific healing I am seeking? I want to heal whatever it is that keeps me in my shell. I want to heal what it is that makes me have to deduce how I'm feeling based on my circumstances. I want to be proud of who I am. I want to know who I am. I want to defend myself. I want to stop being so uptight and wound up.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 5/25/14
Same question as yesterday: “What is the specific healing I am seeking.” I'm glad the question isn't about the wound I want to heal. It's more generic and open ended. I want to bring more power into my day-to-day life. So maybe that healing would be around being more authentic, healing the fear that prevents me from disagreeing with someone.
Alternatively is healing my inner duality. I feel such constraint to hide my identity at work that I expose myself as much as I can outside of that. I believe in nudity as a spiritual practice, but recognize it is not the cultural norm. I record conscious masturbation sessions to encourage others to explore their pleasure without shame. I share my journal through my blog. I over-share, hoping that I will find acceptance among those who feel as I do and self-acceptance in sharing my true nature. I want to share what I am ashamed of so that shame will have no power over me. All so that I can more freely express myself in areas where I can be judged and hurt.
So far: The sense of being unacceptable, being inauthentic, duality.
Is there something else? HIV. Fear of death. Anger. Hiding is my biggest problem.