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Saturday, October 4, 2014

Healing My Relationship with Time

This is a journal entry from Monday 8/4/14

I just had the thought of assisting with Dear Love next year. My partner wanted to go. I could attend again as a participant and would then be his roommate. I don't think I could stay with him if I was assisting. I don't know. Assisting would be a growth experience for me. It would allow me to be there for my partner, but not interfere with his experience.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/9/14

Brené Brown, in Daring Greatly, talks about aspirational versus practiced values and how the gap between them is disengagement. That makes me want to take a closer look at mine.

I value managing time wisely, but in practice, it feels like time is running me over. I don't set the priorities such that I avoid things that are lower priority. I try to do it all. This is one of those perpetual things. I say “no” to some things, but still feel in a perpetual time crunch. This has been a thorn in my side.

This is a journal entry from Friday 8/15/14

This week, my morning practice has been fucked. I had an early 6 AM meeting on Tuesday. Wednesday and Thursday I also went in early. I haven't done my morning ritual since Monday.

I did two sessions with a voice coach. She gave me some habits that can help me project more. It's been funny that it came down to breathing. Breath seems like a way for everything – from the eros of Sacred Intimacy to living a better life in general. It has made me aware of how wound up I make myself. Now I have techniques to help me relax.

Today, I'm grateful for my arm pit hair, my heart beat, and our jasmine plants.

I still have healing to do around my relationship with time, but the world today is naturally wounding in that respect.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/17/14

I can see how shame has influenced my behavior. I can see how I modify my behavior because I don't feel entitled to... what? Have an opinion? Be who I am? Defend my existence? Present myself authentically? Express my energy in the world? Influence the world through my presence?

I have felt broken, that I can't trust myself. But I have the right to exist. I don't need to filter my behavior. There is nothing wrong with me. When will my different halves become one? My childhood personality is the key.

If I say that I don't feel entitled to be who I am, it sounds much like not feeling entitled to exist. Is that what I've been up against.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 8/19/14

I need to slow down. I'm feeling rushed again. My script is to avoid the feeling of being rushed by distracting myself with TV, and with a general feeling of lethargy.

What do I know to do? Accept the feeling of being rushed. Allow it to exist. Don't fight it. Too much time is spent fighting emotions.

I was surprised I didn't do more to clean up the house last night. I'm thinking how I didn't clean up and how I didn't do my daily sign language study. That made me want to go to work early and skip my shower and breakfast.

I don't need to avoid the feeling of being rushed, but I want to shed as much light on it as possible. How I spent my time yesterday, what I got done or didn't, doesn't dictate how I will feel today. Right now, my feeling of being rushed is rooted in yesterday. And I don't want to distract myself from feeling rushed. Checking Facebook or watching TV doesn't do anything except amplify the feeling of being rushed. Only consciousness will do that.

This is a journal entry from Monday 8/25/14

The weekend felt very full and busy, but I'm not sure it was. It feels like it was gone too fast. I miss the days I didn't have a job, although I don't miss having my bank account shrink.

I remember going into my office and seeing the piles of stuff there and losing interest in picking it up. There was plenty more to do. I'd love to be caught up. I was ready for a break, but a break from what?

I have money to do things now. I have vacation time to do them. What is the real purpose I serve? Giving people permission still seems at the crux of it. Am I really a healer? Can I learn how to exist as a healer in the modern world?

I need to heal my relationship with time.

This is a journal entry from Friday 8/29/14

My intention is to heal my relationship with time. What does that mean?

I tend to think I don't have enough time. I imagine doing things and add them to a written or unwritten list of things to accomplish. Then I tend to berate myself for not working on those things.

There are also times I sit with a task and resist it – like cleaning the office. I can sit there telling myself that I need to get it done while I sit and do nothing – or do it while strongly resistant. Maybe it feels like there's too much to do. Maybe it's indecision on how to proceed.

The first problem comes from overcommiting myself. By not setting priorities and letting go of what's less than most important. The second comes from not finding my flow and doing things I'm motivated about while I try to force myself to do something I want to avoid.

Those are the two issues I'm aware of. The first is worsened by a culture of busy-ness, where there's too much to do and too little time to do it. I'm not aware of the wounds that may be causing these issues – if any exist. I don't know how to heal.

I feel encouraged to follow my passion. That feels difficult, because things I thought I was passionate about aren't really my passions? That means I'm free to explore that.

One of the things I want to do is to let go of the feeling of being rushed. I'm worthy of taking as much time as I need.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/30/14

My intention is to heal my relationship with time.

Yes. This is a recurring theme. My basic approach has not changed. I often feel that there's a list of things to do. I'll think of something and put it off because I think something else is more important. My fears keep me shut down. I can't look up and know what to do. I might distract myself with sex, but I don't move forward.

It seems to make sense that if I feel there's never enough time that I need to change my perspective. It doesn't match my beliefs. I believe that I am an eternal being. I believe that the present moment is eternal. I believe that no matter the appearance of imperfection, the world is unfolding perfectly. I have exactly the right amount of time. So how do I need to change how I see the world so that I stop feeling like there's not enough time?

Coming from the perspective of my beliefs and values, how do I see the world? I don't feel like there's enough time, but I know there is. I get stuck on details and lose the big picture.

When I feel rushed...

When I feel I have to do something time consuming...

Then I need to remember the bigger picture.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/31/14

My job is not going to keep me from living my purpose, but it feels like it will. I loved the time I had to work on my own ambitions while I wasn't working, but the income never manifested. What is my purpose?

I see the broken people of the world wreaking havoc on the rest of us, breaking others. Fear causes them to lash out, causes us to lash out. I don't know if I'm here to help them find healing or to help teach people how to heal themselves from their damage. Maybe I just need to find healing and help others do the same.

I still want to do SI work. I want to teach. I want to be a rebel, a revolutionary of peace. I'm part of the underground of physical pleasure. I feel this needs to be accomplished through writing and speaking, and services as an SI where I can hone my knowledge.

This introspection is a needed part of my week. It is not wasting time rehashing things.