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Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Feelings, Fear, and Imagination

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 11/12/13

I live in an abundant universe. I am surrounded by riches. I haven't been feeling this, but I know it's true. I think that the key to prosperity is to pay attention. If I know that wealth is available, then I should be able to notice it and make use of it. Anything I desire can be mine.

In spite of this, I want cash. I want enough money to not have to think about money again. But focusing on that takes me out of the moment.

Which brings me back to the real question: What do I want? If I can't answer that, where do I flow?

This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/14/13

I feel like there's a decision to make, but I'm not clear on my choices. I could find a new job as a Java developer full time. I could find a part-time job for as much money per hour as I could get. I could focus on making money with my DVD. I could focus on my Sacred Intimacy practice.

What I really want is to explore sexuality as a Sacred Intimate at this moment. I don't know how long that will last. It is challenging.

I remind myself that I am not doing this on my own. I ask my Higher Power to guide me. I deserve prosperity as well as any other person. I sense my attitude and confidence are key. Sitting still in churn doesn't serve me. Do anything, but I don't want to get caught up in Facebook or TV. I want to avoid distraction.

Why are so many of my tasks solo tasks? Reading books? Taking classes? If I am a team player, where is my team?

Distractions. Time. I don't need to feel rushed if I can stay focused. There are many things that feel important, plenty I'd like to do. It makes me feel impatient with myself. Thanks to the reflective nature of Soul, I sense this impatience in others. It makes me feel inadequate, that I'm not smart enough to keep up. I am impatient with myself and feel that I can't pull my own weight, that I'm not doing enough. I feel weak. These are important things, things about myself that I need to be aware of. Now, I can recognize these things as being self-generated nonsense. I'm aware of monumental power in tiny packages. I am aware of my power and strength.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 11/20/13

I've wanted to write for a few days. I nearly lost the topic I had chanced upon. In that time, the idea has evolved.

I have recognized that my feelings do not limit my actions. In other words, if I want to do something, these feelings of fear can't stop me. I know how to breathe and step into my fear. Whenever I step into fear, I decrease its power over me. I find that it's easier to act quickly. The longer I wait, the more inertia there is to overcome. This is a key piece of information for me because I am afraid.

Having said that, I recognize the power of the Law of Attraction. The more I am in the flow of life and the more I feel confidence and power, the more I attract those things that support those feelings. I think these two keys can help me move forward.

Finally, I recognize that I have difficulty making choices. I have difficulty deciding between taking a job in software development that I know pays well and supports me, or letting go of that and focusing on Sacred Intimacy which is emotionally demanding and may not meet my financial needs. I often get stuck not out of fear, but from wondering if I really want to do something. I wake up at night afraid I'm on the wrong path, wondering how I'm going to support myself and my partner.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/21/13

I'd like to put my imagination to work. I used to pretend when I was growing up. I was a science officer on the Enterprise exploring the universe, Now, I feel stuck by the story I tell myself. I want a new story.

I tend to live in fear for no good reason. I am aware of my mortality. I fear people thinking I am not perfect. I don't like making mistakes and question my decision to quit work. I am afraid that I won't find another job like I had before and afraid that I will. All of this is nonsense. I am powerful.

So I imagine. I imagine going on cruises and taking sacred erotic intensives. I imagine life in a sex monastery. I imagine supporting my partner financially as he finds a job that makes him happy or has no job at all. I imagine exploring the universe of mind. I imagine having the energy to do all the things I want, and not being tired so often. I imagine being awake. I imagine the universe supporting me. I imagine opening my heart. I imagine being a certified sexological bodyworker, a licensed Unity teacher, and having degrees in computer science and physics. I imagine reading books, learning new technologies. I imagine knowing what to do next.

This is a journal entry from Friday 11/22/13

What else can I imagine? I remember the fireplace in the lodge on the mountaintop and journaling late at night, unable to sleep. I felt the presence of a man, an elder. I am not limited.

I imagine being greater, a mystic, enlightened, fully in the present. I don't need things. Can I be a beacon? I imagine being organized and having a simple life. I imagine feeling peaceful and contented. I see sex and science and spirituality.

I don't want to be defined, so I don't like to make choices - but that defines me. I am a scientist, a programmer, a seeker, a Sacred Intimate, a sexual explorer, a writer.

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