This is a journal entry from Monday 3/17/14
I haven't chosen the course of my week. The app is very important to me, but I don't want it to consume me. It's more than setting priorities. It's about feeling whole.
I know what I need to do. I believe that, but I don't necessarily want to do what I need to do. While I know it leads to freedom, it feels hard. I hide the answers from myself. I need to remember that it leads to freedom. Right now, all I see is soul crushingly meaningless work so that I can survive in the world. If I had been quicker to adapt, maybe I'd have the income stream I want now.
I am free already.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 3/19/14
I've been focusing on what I need to do. Today, I'd like to focus on what I want to do. Today, I should let my creativity shine. I wish to feel free.
What can I imagine today? Let me open myself to inspiration. I'm still focusing on making money, my prosperity. I've turned my attention back to software development to support my mission, but I am tired of working for others. Can I write enough apps that they will generate income? Can I write a book about spiritual sex?
I don't have time to work for someone else. I need to write my book and my apps. I need to make my videos. But I need income now. I can't wait another six months while I write. Where is my time going?
This is a journal entry from Friday 3/21/14
My frustration has been up. It's about money. I feel that I need an income and the best chance of that is to do the job I used to do. I'm also aware that I was not happy with that. It was draining. I had no energy to write my own software or work as a Sacred Intimate.
I think I need money to support my mission, but I also need time and energy. I haven't had a job in nearly a year. Stepping into my power, I know what is mine to do. One of my weaknesses is to believe that I don't know what to do. Often it's to avoid doing something I don't want to do or am afraid to do. Maybe I'm guessing. I don't have any concrete examples.
Testing my theory, what do I want to avoid? I don't want to go back to what I was doing before. I can't take working for my last company. Maybe any company I work for would be the same. I don't want to be beat down again. I'm afraid of trying to communicate my skills to interviewers who only think of technical questions with right and wrong answers, all the things that can be looked up. But then miss the point that I'll do anything to get the job done. I'm tired.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 3/26/14
I'm ruminating on a couple of ideas. One is how to communicate what I actually offer during an interview. Another is a professed belief that knowledge workers are more productive when they get enough rest, have fun, and are not in fear of losing their jobs.
I'm going to the second one first because it bothers me most. I want to push myself hard to get a job and keep it. I want to skip my time at the gym and get to work faster. I want to put more pressure on myself because I feel stressed. I want to stop being uncomfortable and I think the key to that is to push hard and get it over with. I conveniently forget how challenging it is to work for someone else.
I think I should put my money where my mouth is. I want to keep working out, getting sleep. I want to figure out how to enjoy life so that I can use the positive energy to find a nourishing source of income. Maybe that comes to finding what I enjoy doing best so that I can communicate that during an interview.
That brings me to the first item on my mind. I've been trying to see how to proceed. One way would be to write stories about each project I've worked on. Another is to write stories about things I do well, the idea being to give concrete examples. For some reason, both are challenging for me. If I have trouble writing about it, how can I hope to talk about it? When I think about thinking about what I want to communicate, I feel lethargy. I try to overcome this and push on, but I think the best stories will come from writing from a happy place. Certainly I must have some happy work memories??
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 4/1/14
What is my focus this week? My app is done. I'm waiting for it to be approved for the app store. My first DVD is done. I've sold one video to Joseph Kramer which was very exciting. I think that I need a job to be able to continue supporting my mission, but I'm afraid a job will keep me from fulfilling my mission.
So what is the third path? What gives me the best chance of living my mission? How do I care for myself? My ancestors support me. A host of angels is ready to spring to my aid. I am powerful.
My focus is prosperity. I would like to see either a steady income at $400 per month or available liquid funds of $100k. To achieve that, I must prepare and play. I need to release my genius.
This is a journal entry from Friday 4/4/14
I know what I need to do. It's so easy to pretend I don't. I even fool myself. I cloak myself with ignorance so that I can avoid responsibility. That let's me play the victim and avoid accessing my power.
I have concluded that my mission is to make the world a better place through understanding and compassion. My belief is that I need to use my power to support myself so that I can follow my mission. I understand a little about how the physical world works and a little about how the spiritual world works. That ought to be a competitive advantage.
What about today? I notice my tendency to be self-centered. I think about what I need to do. I'm focused on I. For today, how can I flip that?
I perceive myself as understanding what others are explaining more easily than those around me.
I tend to use my free time thinking about what needs to be done. For that reason, I have a hard time knowing what I want to do - how I would spend my time if I wasn't worried about getting things done. Well, one of the things I need to do is find out what I actually do enjoy doing, what I naturally do well. My brilliance.
If I had money to last until I die, what would I do? Because that's where I should live my life.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 4/8/14
I feel uncomfortable. I don't feel confidence in my job search. Have I been away from work too long? How will I put in 8 hours of work? I feel exhausted so easily. So 1) I don't know if I can get the job, and 2) I don't know if I'll be able to handle the job if I get it. I feel exhausted.
I need to change my thinking. What thoughts can I believe that will support me? I feel the need so that my partner can take a break. I jumped because I had some things I wanted to do. I'm still working on those things, but the big things are done. The DVD. The App. If I get my job, then I can use the money to promote my products.
What have I learned?
I've learned that I don't do marketing. I've learned how to create quality videos. I've learned how to create iPhone apps. I can do more, but I need short term profits. This is important because I need to fund my mission.
How do I find my enthusiasm? This whole process of writing stories about my work can only help me better know myself. Why do I drag my feet? I'm afraid I won't like what I find.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/10/14
I'm having trouble recalling the stories from my career as a software developer. I'm resisting. I'm tired of having to prove myself. I'm afraid that my story isn't compelling. I think my career has been lackluster. It's been so long since it fascinated me. I don't trust my ability, but I have the ability.
I don't know my interviewers. I have no control over being hired or not. I'm the one I'm trying to prove myself to. I'm afraid to try because I may be right. It's my ego. I feel fragile.
I need to know myself. Whatever I do, knowing myself can make me more effective.
All day. I still resist...
I have thought about it. I need this job for several reasons. My current vision includes growing my prosperity to support my mission. More important, maybe, is my desire to be able to support my partner. This should be enough motivation to go to the ends of the Earth.
I am getting frustrated trying to answer possible interview questions. I'm having trouble remembering instances that could form the framework of my answers. When I sit and can't think of anything, my anxiety rises. If I was in an interview, I'd have seconds to answer the questions and I'm having trouble thinking of anything over hours.
Part of the cycle is that when I can't think of anything immediately, I get anxious. When I get anxious, I have trouble remembering anything. The anxiety spirals.
Possible solutions include getting out of the anxiety. There are steps I can take - like taking deep breaths and focusing on the present moment. I don't know if I'll be able to eliminate anxiety on an interview, and I don't think I can. But at this time before the interview, I think I can relax enough to come up with some prototype answers. I can use that to make my “script” for the improv at the interview.
I need something more. I want to be in my power when I consider these questions. I want to be positive so that my answers capture that. I'm feeling anxious now when thinking about these questions. I need to convert that anxiety to a confident excitement. How?!
This is a journal entry from Saturday 4/12/14
I don't need to believe everything that pops into my head. I learned that from Eckhart Tolle. I keep doubting myself. I have thoughts that I can't keep up at work. I also know I'm very competent at what I do. I'm not the most advanced developer, but I do solid work.
I don't know how to stop fretting about the interview on Monday. I want to prepare for it as much as I can, but thinking about it triggers my anxiety and self-doubt. I will experiment with a) imagining the interview going perfectly and b) imagining having the job.
When I look at the questions, I feel anxiety. I don't know how to answer them. It feels like I don't know myself. Where is the anxiety coming from? What does it mean?