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Friday, February 14, 2014

Stepping Into My Power - Journal Entries

Has it really been so long since I posted? It's been a bit busy.

This is a journal entry from Monday 1/20/14

As I wake up this morning, I have four big projects I'm working on. I can see the values of each. These things are pushing aside smaller tasks that may have more value, but these all seem time sensitive.

I must step into my power and choose. There's one more factor that's important to me: taking care of myself. I want to maintain my spiritual practices. I want to exercise. I step into my power and choose.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 1/23/14

I am stepping into my power. With that comes the ability to be conscious of my current situation and to take the necessary steps to move forward.

It's already the 23rd and I don't have a job as a Java developer anywhere. I am committed to getting my first app completed and uploaded to the app store. That can earn me a bit of income and demonstrate my ability. Then I will need to focus more exclusively on finding that job. I need to be able to tell the story of my technical skills and remember everything I know in that regard. Then I need to keep interviewing and learn to love the interview process. Here, I need to step into my power as well.

This is a journal entry from Friday 1/24/14

There are more things to do than I have time for. That means I step into my power today and choose.

Stepping into my power, I know that I know what I need to do. First thing is to let go because there's nothing I have to do. Whatever will be done will happen in its own time.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 1/26/14

I had a dream last night. It had a decent length, but it's fading from memory. I was in a military prison. I remember rows of beds. I remember eating lasagna on the floor off a plate where the lasagna had slid partway off. I remember not eating all of it, but thinking I'd get used to eating off the floor. I remember thinking that I always said I liked institutional living. It was a fairly long and consistent dream. At some time, I got away on a motorcycle. I was going out of my way to avoid being seen because I knew there would be a manhunt.

This is a journal entry from Monday 1/27/14

I had several dreams last night. I'm already losing them. The first had police, suspected cannibals, and drugs. The others, I am not able to recall. I would like to find some other way to remember them.

Before I decide what I would like to work on today, I want to step back. I have a tendency to be able to  be single-minded, which may be able to save me now. I want to get my app on the app store before I get my next job – otherwise it may not happen.

When I'm working with single-minded determination, I can become unbalanced. Tension builds in my neck and shoulders. Single minded determination is part of my power.

This is a journal entry from Friday 1/31/14

I've been putting myself under the gun to get my time tracking software done. It's my current top priority. Unfortunately, now I'm trying to plan my day and again there's too much to do. I feel that the pressure I put on myself can be relaxed. I think it must be. It's a bad habit. Right now I'm torn between the job club and my app. At this point, I don't see a happy path. What is my happy path?

I surrender. How may I be of service? I guess that if there are days where I push, then I have to allow for days that I allow to unfold. Can I permit an unplanned day?

This is a journal entry from Sunday 2/2/14

I have been very single-minded about my app lately. It's getting closer to paying off. Even with what I've done so far, there is probably a few more days of work. This is something I would never have time for while working a full time job. The problem is that it's taking time from other things I want to do. This is a typical pattern. If I was working a full time job, it would be what consumes my time. It seems like the only way to make progress, but I feel unbalanced.

The next thought has to do with seeing porn as shallow. It has to do with seeing a naked man with an erection and thinking that that is all he is. It has to do with thinking that if coworkers knew I made porn then they would discard me and all of my skills as someone with no value in life. I started reflecting on this when I flipped the page on my calendar and saw a naked erect man. There is no reason that he shouldn't be allowed to express this part of himself. There is nothing wrong with what he is doing. It's only a part of his personality and it shouldn't prevent him from being all that he is. We put him – or any exhibitionist who shows their body – in a box and claim he can't be this or that because he's just a porn model. I'm so tired of limiting boxes.

This is a journal entry from Monday 2/3/14

It's 1:30 AM and I'm not sleep. I guess I have things floating around that I need to get out.

I'm frustrated and struggling to get my app done. It may end up providing some income. It may demonstrate my skills. It gives me experience using Java to build iPhone apps. I'm learning Objective-C. I am trying to figure out the user interface for adding new tasks. I've made good progress this weekend, getting over a hump. I'm able to start tying my engine to the UI. I can save my file and read it back. I'm wondering how I'll add advertising and making the 99¢ version without advertising.

Tomorrow (today) I need to go to the drugstore, deposit to our joint account, go to the gym and start my Dreamweaver class. How do I find the time to keep working on my app and preparing for interviews? Where's the time for nourishing self-pleasure? I feel more pressure because I don't have a source of income. I don't see how to nurture my own interests and work when I don't even have time for my interests.

My app needs the ability to add new tasks, traverse the task hierarchy, delete tasks, and select tasks. I need to be able to view the daily and weekly totals. In the future, I want to be able to make corrections, traverse each day of the week and even traverse weeks. Maybe instead of saving to a file, people could have the option of saving to /reading from the cloud. And this is just a simple app.

And all this focus on the app is taking away from my relationship, and my calling as a Sacred Intimate, and my self-care. And I want to add automated testing to make sure things work the way way they are designed to work. Everything is waiting on the initial delivery.

This is a journal entry from Friday 2/7/14

It's time to step into my power again. I have options today: running, Toastmasters, my app, Fry's,... I live with the consequences of my choices. No matter what I do, I can live with the consequences. I have come to believe that my attitude is the most important thing influencing the quality of my life. That's why I have options and not to-do items. My attitude is a little claustrophobic about time.

I want to give myself permission to sink into my day and accept guidance from powers greater than myself and be fully present and patient in all that I do.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 2/8/14

Where does my heart lay today? I avoid jumping into my to-do list. This is the year of stepping into my power. I open myself to receive. There are unseen forces moving in my direction, who want nothing more than my highest good. I live in an abundant universe.

My faith is perfect. The universe responds according to my faith. “ is a movement of mind in which you determine that which is true. You're doing that all of the time.” Stretton Smith in Stretton Smith's 4T Prosperity Program. It is responsible for how I see the universe. It is a principle that is always active. The form my life is taking at this moment is a direct reflection of my thoughts and beliefs by the power of faith.

There are some things I want to manifest in my life. I want prosperity now. I want to see the abundance around me and start tapping into it. I want to release the anxiety I feel about not having a job.

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