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Wake Up

 When I was growing up, I put people in uniform on a pedestal. Police, firemen, soldiers,... They were all "more than" other people. They were more noble and brave and disciplined. They were better than other people.

Then I joined the Army National Guard. I became one of those men in uniform. I met many other military men in uniform over the next 10 years. I discovered that they were all just human - like me or anyone else. They were not inherently better or stronger. They were human.

I bring  this up for two reasons. I was wondering how much we look down on other people who we think of as "less than." If I was putting people on pedestals, are there people who put other groups in the ditch, as not as important as us? I think it has to be so. Hearing about people on the other side of the world suffering from natural disasters or war, how does that relate to me? I have no connection. As for people who come here from other countries, I've worked side by side with them. They are the same as me. Some smarter, some less so. But all are worthy. So in this country, even if you are born here, it's not uncommon to see your group as more valid than other groups, or races. If you never connect with people from Southeast Asia, or even Native Americans, you have nothing to inform you that these people are people just like you... human.

And more troubling, if you put some people on pedestals - like police officers, and others in the ditch - like African Americans, it's easier to see a victim of police violence as deserving of that violence. If a policeman wouldn't harm me, then if they do harm someone - it was justified. But for me - there's a difference. If someone is on a pedestal and I consider them "brave," but they shoot an unarmed human because they "feel threatened," then how brave can they possibly be?

So my end conclusion is that we need to wake up - to be woke - and put every human we encounter on a level playing field. No more pedestals and ditches. When you meet someone - give them the same right to exist as you. Why is that such a radical idea that it would become a punchline about being "woke?"

 

Following Dreams

 I have an untested theory. I'm playing with the idea of doing what I want until I find a job that will let me do what I want. Or at least find a way to earn money doing what I want.

I'm beginning with writing. It actually seems to be helping me sleep better. Maybe I'm moving forward and that gives me some fulfillment. It doesn't really feel like I'm getting stuff out, but that I feel like I'm moving forward again.

I'm convinced that my queer spirit gives me connection with the divine. I've perceived different ways of seeing the world – liberal vs. conservative, community vs. individuality, and the need for balance. And fear based religion.

I'd really like to just have sex for money, but I seem to do better offering more. I often come back to the idea of being able to have sex for money when I was younger. If I had been able to do sex work in college, if it was legal and didn't run the risk of giving me a criminal record, it would have been ideal. I had so much sex at that time without being paid. I learned so much about sex and erotic desire, and how norm it all was. If I had been able to work toward my degree and be able to earn money through sex work in a safe and supported environment, I would have been in heaven.

Religious Fear

 Usually I think of religion as a means to have faith and release fear. I can recognize that evil has no power over me. Identifying as a Christian, I know that I cannot really be harmed, my life is in God's hands. Even if I die, I am safe in His arms. But that's how my faith works.

My perspective is that there are those who claim to be Christian (in fact they claim to be the only “real” Christians) that for some reason need to legally enforce their moral laws on all others of any religion. I can only imagine this is driven from fear. If you truly had Faith, why would you need to enforce it in man's laws. If  you believe you have everlasting lift through the Christ who lives in and through you, what do you have to fear? Even death can't touch you.

Then there is also the idea of the breadth of God's love. You can believe that all people are God's children, regardless of how they identify God. Or you can believe your specific group is the only one that is chosen and everyone else is damned. Maybe you believe you're the only one and you feel  compelled to make other's believe exactly as you do. How crushing is that?

I tend to believe in God who has a broad love. He appears different depending on each one who believes, even to the point that he has many manifestations and can seem to be many gods. I don't need anyone else to believe this. It's not my business how you relate to God. Why do others believe they should be able to dictate my faith?

Having a Christian basis has been a tough slog for me. Who wants to believe that no matter what you do, you'll burn in hell? “Just don't be gay,” is beyond my ability. I can't say I won't burn in a lake of fire for 1000 years, but I can say that God wants what's best for me. So if 1000 years of fire is how I live my best life, I'm OK with that. If everything ends when I die, I'm fine with that. I'm good no matter what because fear has no place in me because of my faith. I live now and want to help others live now. I don't want to punish people with whom I don't agree. I want everyone to live their best life while we live. That does not depend on faith, color, sex, or sexuality. But I will reserve the right to defend myself from unwarranted attacks. I will not live in fear. I want you to also be free of fear.

Liberal / Conservative Divide

 I once fantasized about writing a book to better understand liberal and conservative views – to help those who hold opposing views to work together. Both perspectives are important.

As a basis for political ideology though, it no longer seems practical. They have become polarized. Much of our identity has become differentiating from the opposing political camp. Even those who don't pay attention to politics probably will say “this person is liberal,” or “this person is conservative.” We always see through the lenses of our experience. That seems to supersede politics.

From my perspective, the liberal lens is fundamentally “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” Conservatives might consider this a pro-socialism or anti-capitalism. That the way the lens works. Maybe the conservative view is “individual liberty is essential.” My perspective is that it only appears to be true for some, but not others because others can't be trusted. I'm sure if someone was sincerely conservative, they would explain it in a way that I could understand, leaving out where the ideology conflicts with practice. The same could be true of liberal minded people.

Ultimately, we need both perspectives. Individual liberty gives me the ability to support the greater good. Since I don't see individual liberty under threat from liberal leaning people, I don't feel the need to defend it at every turn. But since my perspective of the greater good is important to me, I feel my individual liberty is under threat from those who see their individual liberty under siege. The collective good, or commonwealth, is essential for individual liberty.

If I say “we need to try to keep weapons out of the hands of mass shooters before they go on a rampage” is heard as “I'm coming for your guns,” no matter how hard I try to be clear, what can I do? I just don't want someone to shoot up a school, or a club, or a mall. That's all. The answer shouldn't be to get more guns on the street. The AR-15 is not an effective weapon for hunting. It damages it's target too much. The meat would not be edible. The carcass would not be suitable for taxidermy. The only reason to have one is fear.

Next time (maybe): Religion and Fear

 

Modern Manifestation of Indigenous Spiritual Practices

 Friday 11/25/2022

Can't sleep since 4 AM

Thinking about the character played by Graham Norton in Soul, Moonwind. Living in the gap between the physical and the spiritual worlds.

Since before there was “human history,” queer people have been recognized as the healers, shaman, visionaries,... living in both the physical and spiritual worlds. It has only been Western religion that has “cast them out” in a manner of speaking. The secular world doesn't acknowledge the spiritual. So what is the “spiritual world” in secular society? Where do we find meaning? What role do queers fill? Or “Indigo” children, autistic, special needs,.. all of us who exist in multiple worlds?

I want to say “subconscious,” but it may have more to do with subjective experience and objective experience. It could be argued we only exist as a result of consciousness. We only encounter objective reality through math and physics. We believe in solid objects because that's what we perceive, ignoring the dynamic/energetic nature of reality. We “imagine” protons and neutrons are “solid” even though we cannot touch them directly and our experience of “Solid” depends on touching and when we touch, we only experience collections of particles and it depends on electrons repelling each other.

So where does that leave us? Being aware of and able to interact with objective reality gives us amazing control of our environment, but we still have our existence in subjective reality. It is the “most real” world we can experience, which causes us to believe it is “objective.”

There is the paradox. Queer life today tries to exclude us from “objective” truth, so we (perhaps) go deeper into the “subjective,” which helps us poke holes in the reality of those who confuse their “subjective” reality with “objective” reality, lifting all of us higher.

How do queers re-establish our experience in the modern world? Are we “hole pokers.”

New Objectives

 As within, so without. As always, As above, so below.

There are things happening in the world that trouble me. Maybe the answer is to find peace in meditation. But maybe it also indicates where I need to see better, where I contribute to it, where I need to grow. I need a way to see where I fit.

There are also things in my personal life that ares sticking points for me.

• Wanting to clean up an simplify so that closing it out won't be difficult when I transition
• My list of “to do” work

I've been off work for a week and a half, and I haven't moved forward. It's time to wake up. Hindsight is literally 2020.

• I am worried about
• climate change
• social injustice
• Growing up on Star Trek, I am afraid that
• our species will fail while destroying the ecosystem of the planet
• people are not acting rationally
• We fail each other and penalize our attempts to survive
• emotionally
• physically
• I want to do sex work in peace
• I want to be man and animal
• I want physicality and spirituality to co-exist
• I'm tired of the lack of common sense and self-enrichment

Managing Risk

I want to talk about probability and statistics. First, there is a non-zero chance you will catch the corona virus. No matter what you do, the chance will never be zero. That doesn't mean you will catch it, but to get to zero, you would have need to be in your bunker back in December – January at the latest.

Second, you don't have to make the chance drop to zero and that's OK. There's a good chance your symptoms would be mild if you catch it at all. The odds are in your favor. If you're isolating, it's unlikely you will catch it and if you do a good chance the symptoms will be tolerable. There's a larger chance you will die in a car crash than in an airplane crash,but we don't fly everywhere.

There's a good amount of panic and irrational fear of covid 19. Right now, that's working in our favor by making us be more diligent about stopping it's spread. The problem is, you don't have to fear it because of what I've said above. The problem is that there are so many people in this country that a non-zero chance of spreading it plus a non-zero chance of it being severe means it will impact a non-zero number of people, and it will probably be a large number. Even though it isn't likely to harm you or any one person in particular.

And this is where empathy comes in. Because the symptoms are so mild, there are larger and larger numbers of people spreading the virus who don't know they're spreading it. Instead of one Typhoid Mary, there are hundreds or thousands of Typhoid Marys (TMs). Unfortunately, some of those (TMs) are of the opinion that their individual rights are infringed if they don't go out and live their lives as if there is no pandemic. There's enough disinformation out there that some TMs don't believe it's real, just a liberal conspiracy to harm one particular politician. Some just think it's hype.

So find your middle ground. Don't be a Typhoid Mary. But also don't be a worry wart trying to get the chance of exposure to zero. You  only have to reduce the probability. You can get to almost zero just by washing your hands, avoiding touching your face, keeping physical distances, steering clear of crowds, and stay at home as much as possible. If it makes you feel safer to wear a mask, then go ahead. It may not help, but it probably won't hurt.

But most importantly, don't go back to your regular activities as soon as things start to look better. That could start the whole cycle over again. I'd wait for the hospitals to recover and/or there's a vaccine. The latter isn't likely until 2021, so do your part in the meantime – confidently.

Temple Whores

This is a call!

I see a distributed virtual monastery

• It's mission is to
  • Embrace our erotic bodies
  • Treat others with respect
  • Connect with the divine
  • Heal wounds – erotic and otherwise
• Instead of nuns, rabbis, priests, imams,... there are Temple Whores
• It fulfills a modern need for ancient practices: Shamans, medicine people,...
• It is not tied to a physical structure, although we may manifest that someday
• We open ourselves to serve men and women to find their divine connection to their bodies
• We do not fight anything. We support
  • Humanity
  • Inclusion
  • Love

Independence (and Perversion)

I didn't choose independence as the topic of the day as much as it was presented – the fourth of July.

But first, a word on yesterday's theme of perversity. It didn't go as planned. I wasn't able to play with the man I was hoping to explore with. I put on a pair of stiletto boots and watched video of double penetration of CIS females and did poppers. I accidentally tripped over the edge of ejaculation. I also had a dental appointment and defrosted a deep freezer. Maybe, for me, actual perversion is not being present and letting a busy life keep me from happiness. I came twice and didn't get what I wanted.

Back to independence, Today, this word takes the hue of freedom rather than simply “not dependent.” I am independent in that I don't rely on anyone for money, food, or shelter. My independence doesn't prevent me from sharing that burden.

I am dependent on earning money. Unless you can afford to be a capitalist, so are you. Money keeps most people from being truly independent.

Innocence

People maybe tend to think of a child with limited experience in the world as innocent. They dis-identify as they cannot be innocent because they are not children. They know how the world works. I think differently because adults aren't much different from children except in how we believe we know how the world works – and is that really any different? Children always think they know more than they do, just like adults.

So we are all innocent. We are all children thinking we know more than we we do, or children thinking they are not smart enough to keep up with the “real” adults.

Today, let me express my innocence by being open to direction, to divine inspiration.

During my intensive, I'd like to begin days as I would at an intensive. Journaling, mediation, movement.

There's also an idea that children can remain innocent longer if we don't teach them about sexuality and pleasure. Apparently, erotic pleasure is the opposite of innocence. But children still figure things out through experimentation and hearsay, sometimes with unexpected or tragic results. There's a believe we lose our innocence as we learn about the world. But there's a companion definition of innocence – which is simply “not guilty,” blameless. The two get confused, ignorant and blameless. So if children don't know what causes pregnancy, and they become pregnant, they are blameless, or innocent. I guess. The underlying desire is for them not to think about sex, but that's not how people work.

I am innocent, I am blameless, no matter the depth of my carnal knowledge. Is there a way for a person to lose their innocence? If you do something and then later realize you've hurt someone, you lose some innocence. If you do something you think is right, and realize it's very wrong, innocence suffers.

So always remain teachable. Learn quickly when you've made a mistake to reduce the harm done.

I Am Loved

I sit in front of this Giant Cock, unashamed of my own touch. My touch draws my life to the surface.

My feet, not supporting me in this instant, are free to relax and receive pleasure.

There is an alter before the cock, my cock. I have offered a daisy, reflecting my own innocent beauty. My heart and cock connected, reach out to the Giant Cock, blessing it, being blessed by it.

This poem, like my heart: Raw, Naked and Sexual.

My cock drips. I am ecstatic.

This is who I am, but I am more. I am more than can be expressed. I am strong. I am weak. I am hard. I am gentle.

I feel the power/pleasure in my cock.

I am not broken. The part that I was told was broken is the most whole part of me.

I am loved. I am hated. I am everything in between.

My hardness has subsided, but it is close at hand. I have consummated my love for myself and given birth to this poem.

(NSFW) Oral Ecstasy - Fiction

I imagine a hard cock in my mouth. The skin is soft as silk, but it wraps an iron core. My lips on the head of the shaft, sliding down over the head, down the slick shaft until the head touches the back of my throat. He groans in pleasure as I pull my mouth back up so the lips are again resting on the head.

As my mouth again starts back down the shaft of his cock, I wrap my tongue around it, sliding the rough texture of my tongue along his shaft. It doesn't take long before I feel his hips start to sway front-to-back in a slow thrusting motion. I match his frequency. He speeds up a little bit and I keep pace. He never really goes very fast. It doesn't matter. With each thrust of his cock head to the back of my throat, the muscles around his prostate tense and release. This is my objective for getting him to shoot his salty sperm filled semen down my throat. His groans become more rhythmic, his ass contracts, my mouth slides down the shaft and we repeat. I am ecstatic at the pleasure he experiences with me. My cock is throbbing, too.

He keeps pushing in and out of my mouth as I suck in sync with his thrust. His whole body is involved in this rhythm now. It is his frequency. This is the key to pushing him over the edge. With each stroke, his cock goes a little further down my throat. I know he is getting close. I breath deeply between his strokes as I prepare myself for the final thrust. He gets louder and louder before shouting in ecstasy as he grabs my head and shoves his cock deep down my throat until my nose is on his belly. I feel his cock throb as he pours his cum, is sperm, his jizz down my throat and into my belly. His strokes are shorter now as he stays buried deep and feels my throat swallow the last drips of his essence.

My sense of fulfillment goes deep. He pulls out of my throat and mouth, this orifice of ecstatic pleasure. My breath comes forcefully as I quickly return to my normal breathing pattern, his cum an offering to my stomach. I haven't cum yet, but the head of my cock lays in a puddle of my own seminal fluid, my own pre-cum.

He  gets on his knees to join me and hugs me deeply, kissing me, thrusting his tongue in my mouth as he tastes his own nut juices on my tongue. I begin to have an orgasm at the thought. My body shivers, my body tenses. I still don't ejaculate, but the orgasm is deeply fulfilling and powerful. Tomorrow we will reverse the ritual as he tickles the cum out of my prostate.

Community

So, I'll go back to my passion of living in community with other sacred sex workers, other free men and women. The templates I have are monastery, Easton Mountain, and maybe the Phoenix Temple. I'd like a space to stimulate residents creativity to build community and help heal the world.

The underlying idea is not to withdraw from the world, but to being a source of healing. So here are some ideas:

• Build a ritual space/temple
• Build small studios for sessions offered by residents who are Sacred Intimates, massage therapists, and sex workers.
• Build "tiny houses" with a kitchenette, bathroom, bedroom, and living space for residents.
• Build a shared kitchen/dining area for residents to share meals
• Build gang showers, bath facilities
• Space for farming/gardening.
• Build a space we can rent to groups like Body Electric, or that we can use to host healing events and gatherings: Cooking, dining, rooms, gathering places...

Everyone joining us needs to pull their weight – cooking meals, cleaning, maintaining the grounds... Everyone serves. Allow for volunteers.

I'm not sure how a community ritual space/dining facility will overlap when outside groups host events. Participants need their own containers. Residents need full access.

I'd like to find a place in central Texas (or some other temperate region with water). It should be near an urban area so that our SI workers can work. It should be close to an urban area that out-of-town visitors can experience the city. It would ideally be convenient to the airport so that out-of-town visitors have easy access.

I don't know if a group buys land first and builds, or if an existing space exists that can be converted.

If you have any ideas, leave a message below or on FaceBook:  Rex Harley on FaceBook

Older posts on Community:

• Spiritual Sexual Community
• An Invitation
• Spiritual Sexual Community
• Sacred Eros

Bottoms are selfish

I caught myself saying that "bottoms are selfish." I shouldn't generalize us. As a bottom, I am selfish. I'm focused on my delight at being used as a sexual object. Seeing my top turned on turns me on, so it's a selfishness that serves him well.

I love being told what to do in bed. I love my top being in charge. I'll tell you if I don't want to do something or if it hurts. And I delight when my top cares enough about me to find out my kink and encourage me to explore it with him. That's one reason I would be a good sex worker. Tell me what you want. Let me satisfy your desire. I can bottom deeply enough to be a top for a bottom. Accepting money would give my John permission to ask for what he wants, which would turn me on, which would turn him on and give him permission to surrender more to his desire.

Sacred Intimacy takes more effort because I need to look for the desire behind the desire. What desire is my client trying to satiate that he's afraid to ask for directly? That he's afraid to know he wants? For me to truly help a client, he needs to be able to be vulnerable with me. It may (probably does) take multiple visits to gain my clients trust enough to be vulnerable. 1) Will I keep his secret? 2) Can I take the force of his secret without being hurt? 3) Can I avoid being swallowed up by something that feels like a deep pit in my client? All I can say is that my sessions are confidential. I will not share what I hear as long as he is not a threat to himself or others. I cannot help someone who is suicidal by myself. But I am not afraid of strong emotions. I will not collapse under their weight. You are safe to let me see you cry. I will not tell you what to do or how to fix it, but I will stand with you as you face your demon. I've got your back and I will not break. I know how to be soft.

Courage

I want to write an algorithm to draw money to myself so that I can use that money to benefit others, to fulfill my mission of freeing people from shame of their animals, to become stewards of each other and of life on Earth.

That's the key. People in charge do not seem invested in the common good. Not all people are selfish, but there are people who act selfishly. There are people who will not be free out of fear. I want to the courage to live free.

Attitude

I must care for my attitude. I can reiterate my beliefs. I can focus on Truth:

• I am right where I'm supposed to be, where I need to be.
• I don't have to wrestle with life, but I can let it flow.
• Everything is perfect just the way it is, despite appearances.
• I allow myself to live in a state of grace, aware of my blessings.

What does my life look like in the best possible light:

• I am loved.
• My level of income lets me live in a style that I like.
• All my desires are fulfilled.
• I am very competent and highly skilled
• I pursue solutions until I find them
• There is nothing beyond my reach

Your Life's Calling: What I've learned so far

The format of this blog is changing. In the recent past, I have been posting journal entries directly to the blog. I have been told that others might get something out of seeing my process. I use my journal to explore my thoughts and feelings. I look at where I am blocked or unhappy. I ask questions that arise and try to answer them. I've decided to move forward from that and begin posting more coherent entries.

This post explores the simple idea of your life's calling. This seems like a good topic as we approach the new year, although I don't like setting this time apart as if it was literally an ending and beginning. That, to me, feels like such an artificial construct. In fact, this topic has weighed on me for the  past five years, if not much longer.

When I first explored this idea in my senior year of high school, it was manifesting as how I would earn money. I had grown up with the archetype of the Star Trek universe. I saw myself as an analytical support for an emotionally intuitive hero: Spock for Kirk. Looking back, part of the allure was being in control of my emotions which were so chaotic during my childhood. Today, I understand that my attraction to that archetype as important. It may yet hold the key to my life's mission.

There were some problems in searching for my life's purpose. First is that I was confusing it with a career. How do I make money from my purpose? I took that question and added my love for Spock and ended up with a push into physics. A funny thing happened on the way and I delved into consciousness expanding drugs. I don't know if I ever had a chance at a physics degree, but I had trouble with the math. I could never find a vision of a physics degree that filled me with passion. Nothing took me in the direction of being Spock.

The foray did teach me how to think critically, and I picked up software programming relatively easily. I still feel I have a decent understanding of how the physical universe works. And it provided an income that allows me to pay off the debts of my earlier years.

My understanding of my mission has changed. I recognized how much I enjoyed sex and how shamelessly I experienced it as a gay man. It took me some time to share my sexual orientation with my family. I still have shame to overcome in the broader culture, but I feel further ahead than so many people I've encountered. I toyed with the idea of doing porn and being a sex worker. My sense of freedom to pursue that has only come to fulfillment after I passed midlife. I am now 49 and feel I have more to offer. Without cultural support, I could not have been prepared any earlier. Even if I had, I would not have the financial stability that gives me that freedom today. That would be a worthy goal of support in itself – giving young adults who share this calling to serve as sex workers safely while furthering their education and long term prosperity.

My new sense of purpose and mission is far beyond the idea of career. Now it's focused on sacrificing everything to fulfill my mission. It's not how I can make money from it, but how can I most effectively spend money and energy on it. That is a new concept and hard to anchor in western culture. My mission statement has been getting more clear since I started trying to phrase it. I'm looking for a form that is stable and unchanging, although the way it manifests may change. My mission is to contribute to the survival of life on Earth by giving people permission, understanding, and serving.

From my perspective, the key to getting at your purpose is to spend time thinking about it regularly. When you're ready, write it down. If it doesn't feel right later, revise it. Look for the version that is unchanging. There are plenty of books about finding your life's purpose. Consider working with a life coach or a therapist. Don't consider money. What you've done for a living is a clue, but also what feeds your passion. What fills you with passion? Keep looking for that. It's important.

Time (again), Priorities and Progress: October Journaling

 I've updated my website. Please take a look and let me know what you think http://rexharley.com:

This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/2/14

I would like to change my attitude. There's no reason not to feel good on a regular basis. I have a lot of control over my experience. I'm not trapped at my desk at work. I'm not doing anything that makes me feel remorse.

I want to make a fundamental change, but why? What will I look like when I do? I am free. I step more and more deeply into my freedom regularly. That counts for something.

---

This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/4/14 

I'm looking at my priorities. It seems to build my SI business, I should become a certified massage therapist. But before I finished that, I wanted my Sexological Bodywork Training. I had put that on hold to focus on my relationship. It's easy to see how those things cascade.

Part of my vision statement is to complete my training. I was specifically thinking about Sexological Bodywork Training, there. What are my real priorities? My relationship. My practice. My prosperity.

---

This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/9/14 

What's important to me? It's becoming more important to not feel rushed. I'm tired of having too much to do. Since I create my reality, I'm responsible for that. A human lifetime seems so short. I want to do so much that I hate to do anything.

One time, it might have been fun to be paid for sex. Working in software has been fun, too. A video game has so many constraints and limitations, but writing actual software is very unlimited. It is a creative process, but it's not treated like art. It's treated like an engineering project.

What is important?

My partner is important. Sign language is important because of my partner. Prosperity is important because of the freedom it offers. Overcoming my fears and shames is important because of the freedom it offers. My spiritual practice is important because of the freedom it offers. What is mine to give to the world? What am I here to express? Expressing myself is important because I fear it. It makes me vulnerable. I must be vulnerable in a world where that is not safe.

---

This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/11/14

Palm Springs - Healthy Friction 

I'm feeling a little off today. Yesterday, too. Maybe it was the poppers.

One of the nice things about this event is that everyone has permission for self pleasure. It's a short leap to pleasure someone else or to be pleasured. With all the erections, it feels like I need to have one to keep up. How many are supported by Viagra/Cialis? I like to raise my energy and accept my penis without an erection. I haven't been feeling fully at ease. I would like to know what that's teaching me. Maybe it's because I came twice yesterday.

I sense that I want to simplify my life more, but that's so I won't feel so rushed. I don't know. I have glimpsed the magic of the world I live in, how the world I experience is within me. I want more of that world of magic. So simplifying may not be my real goal. The real goal is to step into my power.

There's a sense that I get busy going from one thing to the next, that I'm always on. That's what I want to turn off. I don't want to feel like I'm too busy to live. So how do I step into my power and stop doing?

---

This is a journal entry from Sunday 10/12/14 

Yes, I want some ritual in my life. I also want to release the feeling I'm always doing something that takes me away from what I want/need to be doing. I want to tie into myself better. What I want to do is to live my life so that when the day is over, I don't feel that I ran out of time before getting to what I wanted to do. I don't want to feel like I'm missing my life.

Chop wood. Carry water.

One factor is second guessing myself, deciding to do whatever I do and then regretting what I didn't do. Did I choose to do the right thing?

I feel like I'm trying to guess what I want to do. What I need to do. Like I don't actually know. I'm getting to know myself.

I feel like I want to work for myself, like I'm tired of working for someone else. Like working for someone else is taking me away from my mission, even if working for someone else gives me resources to do things I want to do.

 I feel that there is a way to be where everything flows and my will is the Universal will. How do I find where that is?

---

This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/18/14

I'm still very angry. I always get angry when someone get's angry with me. Maybe not always, but it is a pattern. I suppose the details aren't important. I was teasing a friend. Apparently it was bothering him more than I realized. He was perceiving something that I don't believe was true and was not in keeping my personality. I want to lash out, but I'll wait until I am in a more loving space.

Last night, I had some very erotic dreams. I remember sucking on a dildo covered in Crisco. I remember feeling acceptance when I expected judgment.

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This is a journal entry from Monday 10/21/14 

I've been feeling bitter. I feel trapped. Someone I thought was a friend hurt me. There is pressure at work.

At the same time, I must recognize that I am creating this. I've seen others maintain good attitudes in difficult situations. My attitude is off. When my attitude is right, my life falls into place.

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This is a journal entry from Friday 10/24/14 

I've been touching myself a lot this week. I don't think I've ejaculated since 10/13 - 12 days ago. I've done some meditating almost every morning. When I start self-pleasuring, I don't want to stop. I get so so hard. I love it.

Healing my relationship with time is my focus. I need to stop giving myself so much to do that I am perpetually frustrated. But there's so much I want to do. What do I really want to do and what do other people want me to do that I think are my desires? How much does shame drive my need to do more? How do I live in the moment? My energy is dissipated when I live over a span of time instead of in the moment.

And finally, I need to clear with someone who hurt me who thinks I hurt him. I can't do that from anger.

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This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/25/14

Today, we will do more work on the St. Andrew's Cross. Maybe I'll get more things off my to do list.

My intention remains to heal my relationship with time. I need to understand what that means. 1) at work, I feel that I'm being kept from doing the things important to me - living my mission. 2) In general, I feel like there are too many things to do that keep me from getting to what I really want to do.

Maybe if I can figure out what I'm not getting, I can start to make room for it.

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This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/30/14 

I need to make time to be timeless. I need time to sit and be aware of the eternal nature of time, to break free of the cells of time - like hours, days, and weeks. Awareness of time is great for planning and connecting, but it's no way to live.

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September Journal: Time and Motivation

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 9/2/14

I have thought about what I didn't get done this weekend, which is typical. I didn't focus on what I did. Yesterday felt very unproductive and that was by design, but I still posted my July journal entries. And I sat in front of a web cam. I never did drum up any new business. The x-tube web cams didn't support me.

I want to help heal the world. I don't want to be tied to corporate work. I had a plan. My plan involved writing and video and teaching people to embrace their sensuality in ways that honor Spirit and harm no one.

I mostly want to be able to get above the details so that I can remember the big picture.

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This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/7/14

“Have the courage to live in the world you create.” This is the thought that developed in yesterday's session. My intention was to heal my relationship with time. What came out of that was finding things to be grateful for at work. I came home from work unmotivated and exhausted. It would be good to find more nourishing ways of recovering after work – maybe by offering sessions.

So it comes back to the search for clients. There are people who need what I offer. How do I connect with them? How do I convince someone that I can help them and am worth the money? There are people who could use my help, but think they can do it on their own. And they can, but I can be a great facilitator.

It came to mind how fortunate it is that my experience of the world is expanding. I can see that I live in a world of muggles who keep themselves trapped in conformity in a changing world, but that's not true because we're all wizards. Still, shame keeps us trapped.

I can see now that I can only t each what people are ready to hear. I am continuing to free myself. My mission is to give people permission. The world seems very dysfunctional. While most people just want to live a quiet life, others are killing over ideologies being led by people interested only in power. I'm interested in teaching people that the world is much more vast. We literally create our own experience. I live in a world where I know the erotic is a God given, life affirming gift. That puts me at odds with many who feel that sex is a shameful necessity or that it's only good if it is couched in spirituality. I see it as all good as long as it is consensual. It can bring new life to anything it is mixed with. It is a powerful healing tool and the source of creativity

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This is a journal entry from Friday 9/12/14

The world is bigger and more profound than I typically realize. It's time to start living that way. My life is sacred. There's a desire to start on firm footing, and that is it. I can't haphazardly decide to box up my time and pack in activities, but I can hang activities from it like ornaments. I always want to come back to my sacred heart.

I feel called to go beyond ordinary. I desire to release shame. I desire freedom of action. I am supported by ever-present God. He gives me what I need to live my purpose. I have what I need now. I don't need to quit my job and try to survive by massage alone. My job is to remain open and aware

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This is a journal entry from Monday 9/15/14


I have seen a larger way of being in the world. I was avoiding something yesterday, the way I often do. I wanted to distract myself with video games or sex. I never found out what it was.

It's what happens when I forget everything exists in this moment now. It means learning new habits that allow me to do that more deeply. That feels like it needs to come first, before packing my daily periods with chores. I want to learn how to live in the world from this place. That's what I'm looking for

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This is a journal entry from Saturday 9/27/14

Dream:

I landed near a river of lava. It was ashen in color. Every now and then, some bright red glowing spots would be visible. Every now and then someone would ski past, heading down the flow. I don't remember what we were talking about.

I stand up and it was night and there were city lights in the valley below. (It wasn't my fault? The environment?) Then we were in the distant past. The lava was mud. I walked across and saw rectangular areas worked in the fields where enormous paintings were being created. It was raining. It felt like I was in a movie. It must have taken a lot of effort to build this facade. Nothing like it would really exist. There was oriental string music playing

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This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/28/14

I have a little motivation right now. Do I dare try to stop the train for meditation? It's often hard to get moving on something. I don't want to break the momentum. But this is also the weekend and I don't want to feel like I'm neglecting my partner.

 I need my daily practice. It has been put aside for the past two weeks because of a sore throat, cough, and fevers

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