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Saturday, January 30, 2016

Bottoms are selfish

I caught myself saying that "bottoms are selfish." I shouldn't generalize us. As a bottom, I am selfish. I'm focused on my delight at being used as a sexual object. Seeing my top turned on turns me on, so it's a selfishness that serves him well.

I love being told what to do in bed. I love my top being in charge. I'll tell you if I don't want to do something or if it hurts. And I delight when my top cares enough about me to find out my kink and encourage me to explore it with him. That's one reason I would be a good sex worker. Tell me what you want. Let me satisfy your desire. I can bottom deeply enough to be a top for a bottom. Accepting money would give my John permission to ask for what he wants, which would turn me on, which would turn him on and give him permission to surrender more to his desire.

Sacred Intimacy takes more effort because I need to look for the desire behind the desire. What desire is my client trying to satiate that he's afraid to ask for directly? That he's afraid to know he wants? For me to truly help a client, he needs to be able to be vulnerable with me. It may (probably does) take multiple visits to gain my clients trust enough to be vulnerable. 1) Will I keep his secret? 2) Can I take the force of his secret without being hurt? 3) Can I avoid being swallowed up by something that feels like a deep pit in my client? All I can say is that my sessions are confidential. I will not share what I hear as long as he is not a threat to himself or others. I cannot help someone who is suicidal by myself. But I am not afraid of strong emotions. I will not collapse under their weight. You are safe to let me see you cry. I will not tell you what to do or how to fix it, but I will stand with you as you face your demon. I've got your back and I will not break. I know how to be soft.

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