I have an untested theory. I'm playing with the idea of doing what I want until I find a job that will let me do what I want. Or at least find a way to earn money doing what I want.
I'm beginning with writing. It actually seems to be helping me sleep better. Maybe I'm moving forward and that gives me some fulfillment. It doesn't really feel like I'm getting stuff out, but that I feel like I'm moving forward again.
I'm convinced that my queer spirit gives me connection with the divine. I've perceived different ways of seeing the world – liberal vs. conservative, community vs. individuality, and the need for balance. And fear based religion.
I'd really like to just have sex for money, but I seem to do better offering more. I often come back to the idea of being able to have sex for money when I was younger. If I had been able to do sex work in college, if it was legal and didn't run the risk of giving me a criminal record, it would have been ideal. I had so much sex at that time without being paid. I learned so much about sex and erotic desire, and how norm it all was. If I had been able to work toward my degree and be able to earn money through sex work in a safe and supported environment, I would have been in heaven.
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