Has it really been such a long time since my last post. I hope this makes up for it. Things have been busy and my focus is elsewhere
This is a journal entry from Monday 2/24/14
What is the thrust of my week? I choose to continue stepping into my power and living out loud. I want to get good at making myself feel uncomfortable.
I want my app to be a thrust. I want my technology marketing to be a thrust – working on a new blog, doing some networking... However, I also want to nourish the twin part of my soul, my heart. There is a faerie coffee on Saturday. I want to do something to support my Sacred Intimate work. The most important part of finding my balance is going to be finding breathing space.
I need time to let myself be quiet, to let go of all the anxieties and to simply be. I am one being with many aspects. I detest being labeled.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 2/26/14
I'm frustrated. I'm having trouble getting the ads turned on in my app. I've been trying to get it to work since the end of last week. I've downloaded some sample code that seemed to work, but I can't duplicate the results in my app. It's frustrating me.
I'm trying to understand how to move forward. I want to work on it to the exclusion of everything else. I've had enough of it. I want to figure it out. I want to skip the gym and start early. I want to stop taking care of myself until I resolve the problem.
In reality, I know I need to change my perspective. I am not relaxed as I explore the problem. I'm rushed and frantic. This is the attitude that poisons my career. I need to take time to know that I can solve the problem, that money will come to me as I need it.
It's time to step into my power again. Now, I can step into my power and be aware of it.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 2/27/14
I made progress yesterday on getting ads to work in my app. I need to revisit the app and make sure everything is good so that I can get it in the app store. I need to see what I need to change about it first.
I'm low energy right now. I ejaculated this morning before going to the gym for a run. I'm at a between place. My next activity hasn't begun. I'm not motivated to continue, yet.
I step into my power.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 3/1/14
It's already March.
I had dreams this morning. I can't really remember them. One of the involved an ice maker delivery at a resort.
Yesterday, I focused on networking activities. I didn't make as many contacts as I would have liked, but the dry(?) was there most of the time. I attended an early morning networking event and then the job club. When I got home, I was trying to connect with my references to make sure my info was up to date.
I have felt as though there are two parts to me. I have one side that shows itself to family and in my job as a software developer. It is the socially acceptable side of myself? The other part of myself is more authentic, but has aspects I can't share with everyone. It's the part of me that feels at home and natural with the erotic. Its' my pleasure seeking animal nature.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 3/2/14
I can sense a widening of my life, but it's clouded. Joseph Kramer affirmed my ecstatic work, so there may be more video projects in the future. I'm getting my app ready for market. My software development career appears about to resume.
I need to make a conscious decision to step into my power, or else I get stuck in a meaningless to do list. I imagine standing with an orb of light in front of me, and then stepping forward into that light. When I do that, I know what I need to do and I have the power to do it. My power is different than anyone else's. On one hand, my power has an erotic tint. On the other hand, it has a technical understanding coupled with perseverance.
I've never known how to join the erotic to the rest of my life. I have felt that there is negative judgment against those who embody the erotic. We are considered to be shallow, but only because we are put into a limited and shallow box. I also understand intellectually the judgment actually comes from within me. I judge myself and blame it on others.
So I step into my power, which is erotically intellectual, or intellectually erotic.
This is a journal entry from Monday 3/3/14
I'm having trouble sleeping, but there is no specific thing keeping me awake. Joseph Kramer is going to use my latest video on his site. My iPhone app is wrapping up. I'm talking to someone tomorrow about a job with a start-up that is at it's beginning phases. I have a head pain that started two weeks ago. I'm going to LUEY this weekend. Maybe I just got too much sleep last night.
Actually, I'm thinking that I will be pressed for time tomorrow, and that I'm not clear on what to do. What will be my priorities?
I choose to come from a place of power. My life is not a to-do list. I open myself to receive I follow my passion. What is the most empowering thing I can do today? What invigorates me and fills me with passion? This is the moment, now.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 3/5/14
What do I do easily and naturally? Sometimes I tell myself it's sex. I seem to be able to access pleasure more easily in myself. I can follow directions. I journal. I like to bake from scratch. I like taking classes. I understand natural laws very intuitively. I'm good at being alone Nudity. More later.
What do my customers pay me for? I don't have any real customers, per se. The companies I've worked for paid me to design, develop, test, deploy and maintain software. To fix defects. To work as a part of a team. To help produce a product that the company could sell.
My SI clients have paid me for intimate experiences, confidentiality, safety. They trust me. Joseph is paying me because my ecstatic, sensuous state is contagious.
I think my sincerity and dedication are important.
What have others said I'm really good at?
What activities energize me? Speaking in front of people? Having sex, on the web cam. Exploring ideas about reality – philosophy. I've always enjoyed science – computer science, physics. Philosophy. The nature of consciousness.
This is a journal entry from Monday 3/10/14
What do I want this week to be about? I'd like to wrap up my first app, but I need to be able to respond to headhunters. Further, anything I could do with Toastmasters would be good. I want to include porn in my orgasmic yoga in preparation for a video I'm doing for Joseph Kramer.
I need to be able to come from a place of power, whatever I do. That means knowing what I want. Unfortunately, I'm in a sour kind of mood. There's nothing motivating me at this moment. I'm afraid that taking a full time job will end my personal app development and Yoga of Sex study. I need more effective ways to energize myself.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 3/12/14
“Of course...”
This is the thought I had this morning as I was worrying about getting a job and earning money. Of course I have the capacity to support myself. Of course the money will flow. Of course I know what to do. Of course...
It is time for my life to shift. I'm tired. It's time to use intelligence to accomplish more with less effort. I can support myself and never have the need for a full time job again. Of course.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 3/16/14
I imagine that I am special needs, and that I am being cared for by the people in my life. I think “maybe I just imagine that I am living in the world.” Do the people I love take care of me? I imagine that maybe I'm so much slower than everything I know that I don't realize that I'm disabled.
On the other hand, I've imagined everyone in the world as being in on a great conspiracy. Everyone an actor in a great performance, guiding how I live. I imagine that at some point, all will be revealed that I am the center of the world, everyone knowing everything about me and loving me anyway. Would I feel traumatized at the exposure, or would I feel affirmed and validated?
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Monday, February 24, 2014
Opening To Receive
This is a journal entry from Monday 2/10/14
If today is all about checking things off a list, then the day is already lost. I need something deeper. What is the meaning behind my actions today? How do I serve the greater good?
Maybe a rephrase of my mission statement: My mission is to make the world better through understanding, compassion, and wisdom.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 2/11/14
I choose to live from my power today. For me, it is very subtle. It's the difference between living life and being driven by life. I resist the latter and am not very familiar with the former. It's a state of mind. It's a quiet confidence. I spend much time trying to control my emotions, draining me of vitality.
Living from my power must mean following my passion and authenticity. I feel the need to break out of my mold. It means recognizing my dominion over my life. No one else can tell me how to live, or think, or feel. I Am who I Am.
I am not meant to control my feelings. My feelings inform me. I can listen to my feelings and avoid trying to suppress or control them.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 2/18/14
What is mine to do today? I open myself to receive. I open myself to guidance.
If I had no need of money, it wold be simpler. I could design my life with time to dedicate to my spiritual life and develop my own software products and serve as Sacred Intimate. My desire is to serve.
Do I keep trying to make money independently? My attention is split. Is my current project just a distraction? Will it make money?
I want to focus my full attention on today. This is where my power lies. Let me go to the well and nourish my soul. Today is always The day. I am not who I was yesterday. I will be someone new tomorrow. I am alive now. Today's focus is my app. It will be until I release the first version.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 2/20/14
I'm beginning to slip into a mentality of lack. It's time to go out of my way to feel prosperity. I don't like thinking about all the money I've gone through since last April. I feel like I can have some income by selling my time tracking app. I haven't had any appreciable income as an SI. I want to put my app in the app store before I focus on finding my next job. I need that to be sooner than later for my peace of mind.
I need to go further. I need to trust in God and follow his guidance. It's time to welcome divine help. It's time to recognize the bounty that surrounds me.
I tell myself I don't have a job because I haven't really tried. But maybe I'm too afraid to really try. At the same time, I feel that I ought to be able to have an income without working for someone else. If I can come up with some little income streams, they can add up. Still, my first stream is Sacred Intimacy. My second stream is my app. After that, maybe it's app development.
I'm like a two tined fork. Erotic and technologic. When I combine the two, then maybe that will be the key.
If today is all about checking things off a list, then the day is already lost. I need something deeper. What is the meaning behind my actions today? How do I serve the greater good?
Maybe a rephrase of my mission statement: My mission is to make the world better through understanding, compassion, and wisdom.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 2/11/14
I choose to live from my power today. For me, it is very subtle. It's the difference between living life and being driven by life. I resist the latter and am not very familiar with the former. It's a state of mind. It's a quiet confidence. I spend much time trying to control my emotions, draining me of vitality.
Living from my power must mean following my passion and authenticity. I feel the need to break out of my mold. It means recognizing my dominion over my life. No one else can tell me how to live, or think, or feel. I Am who I Am.
I am not meant to control my feelings. My feelings inform me. I can listen to my feelings and avoid trying to suppress or control them.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 2/18/14
What is mine to do today? I open myself to receive. I open myself to guidance.
If I had no need of money, it wold be simpler. I could design my life with time to dedicate to my spiritual life and develop my own software products and serve as Sacred Intimate. My desire is to serve.
Do I keep trying to make money independently? My attention is split. Is my current project just a distraction? Will it make money?
I want to focus my full attention on today. This is where my power lies. Let me go to the well and nourish my soul. Today is always The day. I am not who I was yesterday. I will be someone new tomorrow. I am alive now. Today's focus is my app. It will be until I release the first version.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 2/20/14
I'm beginning to slip into a mentality of lack. It's time to go out of my way to feel prosperity. I don't like thinking about all the money I've gone through since last April. I feel like I can have some income by selling my time tracking app. I haven't had any appreciable income as an SI. I want to put my app in the app store before I focus on finding my next job. I need that to be sooner than later for my peace of mind.
I need to go further. I need to trust in God and follow his guidance. It's time to welcome divine help. It's time to recognize the bounty that surrounds me.
I tell myself I don't have a job because I haven't really tried. But maybe I'm too afraid to really try. At the same time, I feel that I ought to be able to have an income without working for someone else. If I can come up with some little income streams, they can add up. Still, my first stream is Sacred Intimacy. My second stream is my app. After that, maybe it's app development.
I'm like a two tined fork. Erotic and technologic. When I combine the two, then maybe that will be the key.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Stepping Into My Power - Journal Entries
Has it really been so long since I posted? It's been a bit busy.
This is a journal entry from Monday 1/20/14
As I wake up this morning, I have four big projects I'm working on. I can see the values of each. These things are pushing aside smaller tasks that may have more value, but these all seem time sensitive.
I must step into my power and choose. There's one more factor that's important to me: taking care of myself. I want to maintain my spiritual practices. I want to exercise. I step into my power and choose.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 1/23/14
I am stepping into my power. With that comes the ability to be conscious of my current situation and to take the necessary steps to move forward.
It's already the 23rd and I don't have a job as a Java developer anywhere. I am committed to getting my first app completed and uploaded to the app store. That can earn me a bit of income and demonstrate my ability. Then I will need to focus more exclusively on finding that job. I need to be able to tell the story of my technical skills and remember everything I know in that regard. Then I need to keep interviewing and learn to love the interview process. Here, I need to step into my power as well.
This is a journal entry from Friday 1/24/14
There are more things to do than I have time for. That means I step into my power today and choose.
Stepping into my power, I know that I know what I need to do. First thing is to let go because there's nothing I have to do. Whatever will be done will happen in its own time.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 1/26/14
I had a dream last night. It had a decent length, but it's fading from memory. I was in a military prison. I remember rows of beds. I remember eating lasagna on the floor off a plate where the lasagna had slid partway off. I remember not eating all of it, but thinking I'd get used to eating off the floor. I remember thinking that I always said I liked institutional living. It was a fairly long and consistent dream. At some time, I got away on a motorcycle. I was going out of my way to avoid being seen because I knew there would be a manhunt.
This is a journal entry from Monday 1/27/14
I had several dreams last night. I'm already losing them. The first had police, suspected cannibals, and drugs. The others, I am not able to recall. I would like to find some other way to remember them.
Before I decide what I would like to work on today, I want to step back. I have a tendency to be able to be single-minded, which may be able to save me now. I want to get my app on the app store before I get my next job – otherwise it may not happen.
When I'm working with single-minded determination, I can become unbalanced. Tension builds in my neck and shoulders. Single minded determination is part of my power.
This is a journal entry from Friday 1/31/14
I've been putting myself under the gun to get my time tracking software done. It's my current top priority. Unfortunately, now I'm trying to plan my day and again there's too much to do. I feel that the pressure I put on myself can be relaxed. I think it must be. It's a bad habit. Right now I'm torn between the job club and my app. At this point, I don't see a happy path. What is my happy path?
I surrender. How may I be of service? I guess that if there are days where I push, then I have to allow for days that I allow to unfold. Can I permit an unplanned day?
This is a journal entry from Sunday 2/2/14
I have been very single-minded about my app lately. It's getting closer to paying off. Even with what I've done so far, there is probably a few more days of work. This is something I would never have time for while working a full time job. The problem is that it's taking time from other things I want to do. This is a typical pattern. If I was working a full time job, it would be what consumes my time. It seems like the only way to make progress, but I feel unbalanced.
The next thought has to do with seeing porn as shallow. It has to do with seeing a naked man with an erection and thinking that that is all he is. It has to do with thinking that if coworkers knew I made porn then they would discard me and all of my skills as someone with no value in life. I started reflecting on this when I flipped the page on my calendar and saw a naked erect man. There is no reason that he shouldn't be allowed to express this part of himself. There is nothing wrong with what he is doing. It's only a part of his personality and it shouldn't prevent him from being all that he is. We put him – or any exhibitionist who shows their body – in a box and claim he can't be this or that because he's just a porn model. I'm so tired of limiting boxes.
This is a journal entry from Monday 2/3/14
It's 1:30 AM and I'm not sleep. I guess I have things floating around that I need to get out.
I'm frustrated and struggling to get my app done. It may end up providing some income. It may demonstrate my skills. It gives me experience using Java to build iPhone apps. I'm learning Objective-C. I am trying to figure out the user interface for adding new tasks. I've made good progress this weekend, getting over a hump. I'm able to start tying my engine to the UI. I can save my file and read it back. I'm wondering how I'll add advertising and making the 99¢ version without advertising.
Tomorrow (today) I need to go to the drugstore, deposit to our joint account, go to the gym and start my Dreamweaver class. How do I find the time to keep working on my app and preparing for interviews? Where's the time for nourishing self-pleasure? I feel more pressure because I don't have a source of income. I don't see how to nurture my own interests and work when I don't even have time for my interests.
My app needs the ability to add new tasks, traverse the task hierarchy, delete tasks, and select tasks. I need to be able to view the daily and weekly totals. In the future, I want to be able to make corrections, traverse each day of the week and even traverse weeks. Maybe instead of saving to a file, people could have the option of saving to /reading from the cloud. And this is just a simple app.
And all this focus on the app is taking away from my relationship, and my calling as a Sacred Intimate, and my self-care. And I want to add automated testing to make sure things work the way way they are designed to work. Everything is waiting on the initial delivery.
This is a journal entry from Friday 2/7/14
It's time to step into my power again. I have options today: running, Toastmasters, my app, Fry's,... I live with the consequences of my choices. No matter what I do, I can live with the consequences. I have come to believe that my attitude is the most important thing influencing the quality of my life. That's why I have options and not to-do items. My attitude is a little claustrophobic about time.
I want to give myself permission to sink into my day and accept guidance from powers greater than myself and be fully present and patient in all that I do.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 2/8/14
Where does my heart lay today? I avoid jumping into my to-do list. This is the year of stepping into my power. I open myself to receive. There are unseen forces moving in my direction, who want nothing more than my highest good. I live in an abundant universe.
My faith is perfect. The universe responds according to my faith. “...faith is a movement of mind in which you determine that which is true. You're doing that all of the time.” Stretton Smith in Stretton Smith's 4T Prosperity Program. It is responsible for how I see the universe. It is a principle that is always active. The form my life is taking at this moment is a direct reflection of my thoughts and beliefs by the power of faith.
There are some things I want to manifest in my life. I want prosperity now. I want to see the abundance around me and start tapping into it. I want to release the anxiety I feel about not having a job.
This is a journal entry from Monday 1/20/14
As I wake up this morning, I have four big projects I'm working on. I can see the values of each. These things are pushing aside smaller tasks that may have more value, but these all seem time sensitive.
I must step into my power and choose. There's one more factor that's important to me: taking care of myself. I want to maintain my spiritual practices. I want to exercise. I step into my power and choose.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 1/23/14
I am stepping into my power. With that comes the ability to be conscious of my current situation and to take the necessary steps to move forward.
It's already the 23rd and I don't have a job as a Java developer anywhere. I am committed to getting my first app completed and uploaded to the app store. That can earn me a bit of income and demonstrate my ability. Then I will need to focus more exclusively on finding that job. I need to be able to tell the story of my technical skills and remember everything I know in that regard. Then I need to keep interviewing and learn to love the interview process. Here, I need to step into my power as well.
This is a journal entry from Friday 1/24/14
There are more things to do than I have time for. That means I step into my power today and choose.
Stepping into my power, I know that I know what I need to do. First thing is to let go because there's nothing I have to do. Whatever will be done will happen in its own time.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 1/26/14
I had a dream last night. It had a decent length, but it's fading from memory. I was in a military prison. I remember rows of beds. I remember eating lasagna on the floor off a plate where the lasagna had slid partway off. I remember not eating all of it, but thinking I'd get used to eating off the floor. I remember thinking that I always said I liked institutional living. It was a fairly long and consistent dream. At some time, I got away on a motorcycle. I was going out of my way to avoid being seen because I knew there would be a manhunt.
This is a journal entry from Monday 1/27/14
I had several dreams last night. I'm already losing them. The first had police, suspected cannibals, and drugs. The others, I am not able to recall. I would like to find some other way to remember them.
Before I decide what I would like to work on today, I want to step back. I have a tendency to be able to be single-minded, which may be able to save me now. I want to get my app on the app store before I get my next job – otherwise it may not happen.
When I'm working with single-minded determination, I can become unbalanced. Tension builds in my neck and shoulders. Single minded determination is part of my power.
This is a journal entry from Friday 1/31/14
I've been putting myself under the gun to get my time tracking software done. It's my current top priority. Unfortunately, now I'm trying to plan my day and again there's too much to do. I feel that the pressure I put on myself can be relaxed. I think it must be. It's a bad habit. Right now I'm torn between the job club and my app. At this point, I don't see a happy path. What is my happy path?
I surrender. How may I be of service? I guess that if there are days where I push, then I have to allow for days that I allow to unfold. Can I permit an unplanned day?
This is a journal entry from Sunday 2/2/14
I have been very single-minded about my app lately. It's getting closer to paying off. Even with what I've done so far, there is probably a few more days of work. This is something I would never have time for while working a full time job. The problem is that it's taking time from other things I want to do. This is a typical pattern. If I was working a full time job, it would be what consumes my time. It seems like the only way to make progress, but I feel unbalanced.
The next thought has to do with seeing porn as shallow. It has to do with seeing a naked man with an erection and thinking that that is all he is. It has to do with thinking that if coworkers knew I made porn then they would discard me and all of my skills as someone with no value in life. I started reflecting on this when I flipped the page on my calendar and saw a naked erect man. There is no reason that he shouldn't be allowed to express this part of himself. There is nothing wrong with what he is doing. It's only a part of his personality and it shouldn't prevent him from being all that he is. We put him – or any exhibitionist who shows their body – in a box and claim he can't be this or that because he's just a porn model. I'm so tired of limiting boxes.
This is a journal entry from Monday 2/3/14
It's 1:30 AM and I'm not sleep. I guess I have things floating around that I need to get out.
I'm frustrated and struggling to get my app done. It may end up providing some income. It may demonstrate my skills. It gives me experience using Java to build iPhone apps. I'm learning Objective-C. I am trying to figure out the user interface for adding new tasks. I've made good progress this weekend, getting over a hump. I'm able to start tying my engine to the UI. I can save my file and read it back. I'm wondering how I'll add advertising and making the 99¢ version without advertising.
Tomorrow (today) I need to go to the drugstore, deposit to our joint account, go to the gym and start my Dreamweaver class. How do I find the time to keep working on my app and preparing for interviews? Where's the time for nourishing self-pleasure? I feel more pressure because I don't have a source of income. I don't see how to nurture my own interests and work when I don't even have time for my interests.
My app needs the ability to add new tasks, traverse the task hierarchy, delete tasks, and select tasks. I need to be able to view the daily and weekly totals. In the future, I want to be able to make corrections, traverse each day of the week and even traverse weeks. Maybe instead of saving to a file, people could have the option of saving to /reading from the cloud. And this is just a simple app.
And all this focus on the app is taking away from my relationship, and my calling as a Sacred Intimate, and my self-care. And I want to add automated testing to make sure things work the way way they are designed to work. Everything is waiting on the initial delivery.
This is a journal entry from Friday 2/7/14
It's time to step into my power again. I have options today: running, Toastmasters, my app, Fry's,... I live with the consequences of my choices. No matter what I do, I can live with the consequences. I have come to believe that my attitude is the most important thing influencing the quality of my life. That's why I have options and not to-do items. My attitude is a little claustrophobic about time.
I want to give myself permission to sink into my day and accept guidance from powers greater than myself and be fully present and patient in all that I do.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 2/8/14
Where does my heart lay today? I avoid jumping into my to-do list. This is the year of stepping into my power. I open myself to receive. There are unseen forces moving in my direction, who want nothing more than my highest good. I live in an abundant universe.
My faith is perfect. The universe responds according to my faith. “...faith is a movement of mind in which you determine that which is true. You're doing that all of the time.” Stretton Smith in Stretton Smith's 4T Prosperity Program. It is responsible for how I see the universe. It is a principle that is always active. The form my life is taking at this moment is a direct reflection of my thoughts and beliefs by the power of faith.
There are some things I want to manifest in my life. I want prosperity now. I want to see the abundance around me and start tapping into it. I want to release the anxiety I feel about not having a job.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
BDSM Info
In this week's Savage Love by Dan Savage, he had some websites that he passed on from Mollena Williams. I wanted to share this as well as put it someplace I could find it later.
BDSM Dating Sites:
FetLife.com
ALT.com
iTaboo.com
BDSMfriendbook.com
Local BDSM Events:
drkdesyre.com
And a book:
Playing Well with Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities by Mollena Williams and Lee Harrington.
BDSM Dating Sites:
FetLife.com
ALT.com
iTaboo.com
BDSMfriendbook.com
Local BDSM Events:
drkdesyre.com
And a book:
Playing Well with Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities by Mollena Williams and Lee Harrington.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Stepping Into My Power - Journal Entries
This is a journal entry from Thursday 1/2/14
When I was in Basic Training for the Army National Guard, I had an overwhelmingly powerful affirmative experience. I'll try to write about it here, but hope to expound on it later. Around half way through OSUT (One Station Unit Training), I got pneumonia. By then, everyone in the platoon had developed cohesion. For the most part, we were supporting each other, and knew a little about each other's character.
Something had happened. There were some cadets that were helping the drill sergeants. There was a big overnight hike. Even though I was on profile (had a medical excuse), one of the cadets wouldn't let me out of that hike/run. I was encouraging myself to cough, which wasn't hard, to get sympathy and drop out of the hike. Even so, I wasn't giving up. I didn't talk back. During that time, I made an impression on the other men in the platoon. Eventually the drill sergeant heard me coughing up a lung and got me on a truck and the cadet got chewed out.
Sometime after that, we were back in the barracks. Here I'm fuzzy. A drill sergeant or someone made a comment about me, or got after me. I think I was heading to the latrine or something. I think the men were supposed to be in their bunks or something. When the drill sergeant asked what I was doing or if I was stupid or something - I don't remember what, all the other men in the platoon came to my rescue. They told him I could hang. "He can hang, drill sergeant!" I felt an overwhelming support and appreciation from the other men and it was like nothing I ever experienced. I smiled and tucked my head down and rushed about what I was doing, all the while feeling surprised and overwhelmed by their love.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 1/8/14
At this moment, I can feel something beneath the surface. There is something that wants to manifest. I think back to when I was laid off and how wound up I got about finding a new job. That has not happened since I left my last company, but I have had moments of panic.
I can see that it's time to step into my power. I have not seriously searched for a job. I have been to some interviews. One that went well fell apart during the more general non-technical phase.
My schedule is now full. Between taking some classes at ACC, working on my Yoga of Sex course, writing my own software, and trying to find a business model for my erotic work - my days are packed. If I have a job, too, things will be dropped. But I can't continue without an income. Maybe that's not true?
Stepping into my power, what is mine to do? Mainly it's to step into my power. That's all this is about. I can see that I've been running away from it. So, it's really all about stepping into my power. It always has been.
What does that look like to me? I am decisive. I act in spite of fear. I act with integrity.
This is a journal entry from Friday 1/10/14
Yesterday, I was focusing on stepping into my power. I wanted to know what that would look like. One of the things that came to mind was my ability to dive into a technical project, so I spent yesterday working on my time tracking application. One of my strengths is my single minded determination and focus. It feels good. It's about time I put it to work.
I have a tendency to avoid making decisions. I don't like being defined or limited. So I decided that stepping into my power also means being decisive. That sounds like a powerful idea.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 1/12/14
My days are busier. When I had enough time, I still didn't clean my office. How do I find the balance and still do everything I want to do? I wanted to skip church today to work on my application. I'm motivated by it. How do I have time for the gym, Orgasmic Yoga, and all my other obligations. What do I need to release? How do I do what I don't do when I have enough time?
This is a journal entry from Monday 1/13/14
I choose to step into my power. Yesterday, I was wondering how to do the things I don't do even when I have enough time for them. I'm not employed right now and I have no time. Time, time, time. Clearly the solution to this problem involves stepping into my power.
Many many years ago, I focused on sympathy. I tried to play the victim so that people would go easier on me. I'm not sure that's true, but I've felt battered by life, even when it goes well. I feel like life pushes me around, like I have to do this, this and this. But I don't want to, so I dig in stubbornly and feel overwhelmed by life. I feel weary. All of this comes from within me. Life is very kind to me.
I think stepping into my power is the only way to get out of the time trap. I think I need to take ownership and responsibility for my life by stepping into my power.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 1/14/14
Let me step into my power today. Let me be supported by the Life of the Universe. Let me find the inner alignment I seek. Let me live out-loud. Let me stop hiding.
I need to set up a phone interview, but my insecurities are surfacing again. This company has the vacation time I need. It sounds ideal. And I am afraid.
I believe I am good at what I do. I believe I have skills to offer. So then I must also believe there is a company out there who can use my help. Can I stretch that and believe that God will guide me to where I need to be?
I believe that when I step into my power, I am aligning my will with God's will.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 1/15/14
This experience is teaching me new things. I put pressure on myself when I am coding. I think it bothers me when employers put pressure on me on top of that. I feel insulted as if they can't see how much I'm already pressuring myself, so they t think I need more. In my mind, managers have nothing better to do than put on the pressure.
I'm not sure how much more I need to do before I'm ready to release my software. The next phases will help me generalize it to run on a desktop, iPhone, or android device.
I'm also trying to rev myself up for a phone interview. And I'm having my genitals pleasure mapped today.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 1/16/14
I'm trying to figure out how to prepare for the interview tomorrow. My emotions are negative. I'm afraid to even try. I feel under attack at interviews. I feel defensive. When I'm asked a question, I feel anxiety which keeps me from thinking.
In reality, it is as it has always been. I am guided to where I need to be. I am always guided to where I need to be. If this is my job, then it cannot be kept from me. Nothing can separate me from my prosperity, my next job. I have no way of knowing if this is that. But I can relax because whatever will be will be.
If I get this job, it will be OK. If I don't get this job, it will be OK. If I get this job, the people I interview with will be co-workers. I need to treat them like that to start. I need to change my attitude so that I don't see the interviewers as aggressors. They want to hire someone. They don't want to have to do any more interviews. I need to see these people as allies.
This is a journal entry from Friday 1/17/14
I'm spending more time thinking about this company than usual. I especially like the idea of having time to go to intensives as well as for vacations. If I'm going to find another job that gives me the income I need to support my mission, then I need to find a way to enjoy this process.
There's no reason not to enjoy this process. It's my chance to explore technology companies in Austin. It's a chance for me to learn how to present myself and communicate my skills.
I will put together an arsenal. I don't have to go into interviews blind. I can put together the tools I need in advance. I can practice using my tools until I am proficient.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 1/19/14
Good morning. Since I wanted to record my Orgasmic Yoga session for Joseph's new endeavor today, I wanted today to be spiritually focused. I don't know what that looks like, but I wanted to stay open to guidance from Spirit. I want to let my ego slumber.
Already, there feels like there is much to do, but that is not my spirituality. I know the Truth that this moment is eternal. I have all the time in the world and there is nothing to be done.
My intention is to step into my power. I'm learning more about that power. It was when I decided to step into my power that I could increase my confidence on interviews by preparing for them. I'm tracking down what I know and learning how to talk about it. Stepping into my power is also leading me to finish my time tracking software and make it available as an app. Stepping into my power is showing up and living with my supposed duality, where I can move from recording an Orgasmic Yoga session to writing software. These are not opposed to each other, but pursuing both keeps me out of either box.
When I was in Basic Training for the Army National Guard, I had an overwhelmingly powerful affirmative experience. I'll try to write about it here, but hope to expound on it later. Around half way through OSUT (One Station Unit Training), I got pneumonia. By then, everyone in the platoon had developed cohesion. For the most part, we were supporting each other, and knew a little about each other's character.
Something had happened. There were some cadets that were helping the drill sergeants. There was a big overnight hike. Even though I was on profile (had a medical excuse), one of the cadets wouldn't let me out of that hike/run. I was encouraging myself to cough, which wasn't hard, to get sympathy and drop out of the hike. Even so, I wasn't giving up. I didn't talk back. During that time, I made an impression on the other men in the platoon. Eventually the drill sergeant heard me coughing up a lung and got me on a truck and the cadet got chewed out.
Sometime after that, we were back in the barracks. Here I'm fuzzy. A drill sergeant or someone made a comment about me, or got after me. I think I was heading to the latrine or something. I think the men were supposed to be in their bunks or something. When the drill sergeant asked what I was doing or if I was stupid or something - I don't remember what, all the other men in the platoon came to my rescue. They told him I could hang. "He can hang, drill sergeant!" I felt an overwhelming support and appreciation from the other men and it was like nothing I ever experienced. I smiled and tucked my head down and rushed about what I was doing, all the while feeling surprised and overwhelmed by their love.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 1/8/14
At this moment, I can feel something beneath the surface. There is something that wants to manifest. I think back to when I was laid off and how wound up I got about finding a new job. That has not happened since I left my last company, but I have had moments of panic.
I can see that it's time to step into my power. I have not seriously searched for a job. I have been to some interviews. One that went well fell apart during the more general non-technical phase.
My schedule is now full. Between taking some classes at ACC, working on my Yoga of Sex course, writing my own software, and trying to find a business model for my erotic work - my days are packed. If I have a job, too, things will be dropped. But I can't continue without an income. Maybe that's not true?
Stepping into my power, what is mine to do? Mainly it's to step into my power. That's all this is about. I can see that I've been running away from it. So, it's really all about stepping into my power. It always has been.
What does that look like to me? I am decisive. I act in spite of fear. I act with integrity.
This is a journal entry from Friday 1/10/14
Yesterday, I was focusing on stepping into my power. I wanted to know what that would look like. One of the things that came to mind was my ability to dive into a technical project, so I spent yesterday working on my time tracking application. One of my strengths is my single minded determination and focus. It feels good. It's about time I put it to work.
I have a tendency to avoid making decisions. I don't like being defined or limited. So I decided that stepping into my power also means being decisive. That sounds like a powerful idea.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 1/12/14
My days are busier. When I had enough time, I still didn't clean my office. How do I find the balance and still do everything I want to do? I wanted to skip church today to work on my application. I'm motivated by it. How do I have time for the gym, Orgasmic Yoga, and all my other obligations. What do I need to release? How do I do what I don't do when I have enough time?
This is a journal entry from Monday 1/13/14
I choose to step into my power. Yesterday, I was wondering how to do the things I don't do even when I have enough time for them. I'm not employed right now and I have no time. Time, time, time. Clearly the solution to this problem involves stepping into my power.
Many many years ago, I focused on sympathy. I tried to play the victim so that people would go easier on me. I'm not sure that's true, but I've felt battered by life, even when it goes well. I feel like life pushes me around, like I have to do this, this and this. But I don't want to, so I dig in stubbornly and feel overwhelmed by life. I feel weary. All of this comes from within me. Life is very kind to me.
I think stepping into my power is the only way to get out of the time trap. I think I need to take ownership and responsibility for my life by stepping into my power.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 1/14/14
Let me step into my power today. Let me be supported by the Life of the Universe. Let me find the inner alignment I seek. Let me live out-loud. Let me stop hiding.
I need to set up a phone interview, but my insecurities are surfacing again. This company has the vacation time I need. It sounds ideal. And I am afraid.
I believe I am good at what I do. I believe I have skills to offer. So then I must also believe there is a company out there who can use my help. Can I stretch that and believe that God will guide me to where I need to be?
I believe that when I step into my power, I am aligning my will with God's will.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 1/15/14
This experience is teaching me new things. I put pressure on myself when I am coding. I think it bothers me when employers put pressure on me on top of that. I feel insulted as if they can't see how much I'm already pressuring myself, so they t think I need more. In my mind, managers have nothing better to do than put on the pressure.
I'm not sure how much more I need to do before I'm ready to release my software. The next phases will help me generalize it to run on a desktop, iPhone, or android device.
I'm also trying to rev myself up for a phone interview. And I'm having my genitals pleasure mapped today.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 1/16/14
I'm trying to figure out how to prepare for the interview tomorrow. My emotions are negative. I'm afraid to even try. I feel under attack at interviews. I feel defensive. When I'm asked a question, I feel anxiety which keeps me from thinking.
In reality, it is as it has always been. I am guided to where I need to be. I am always guided to where I need to be. If this is my job, then it cannot be kept from me. Nothing can separate me from my prosperity, my next job. I have no way of knowing if this is that. But I can relax because whatever will be will be.
If I get this job, it will be OK. If I don't get this job, it will be OK. If I get this job, the people I interview with will be co-workers. I need to treat them like that to start. I need to change my attitude so that I don't see the interviewers as aggressors. They want to hire someone. They don't want to have to do any more interviews. I need to see these people as allies.
This is a journal entry from Friday 1/17/14
I'm spending more time thinking about this company than usual. I especially like the idea of having time to go to intensives as well as for vacations. If I'm going to find another job that gives me the income I need to support my mission, then I need to find a way to enjoy this process.
There's no reason not to enjoy this process. It's my chance to explore technology companies in Austin. It's a chance for me to learn how to present myself and communicate my skills.
I will put together an arsenal. I don't have to go into interviews blind. I can put together the tools I need in advance. I can practice using my tools until I am proficient.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 1/19/14
Good morning. Since I wanted to record my Orgasmic Yoga session for Joseph's new endeavor today, I wanted today to be spiritually focused. I don't know what that looks like, but I wanted to stay open to guidance from Spirit. I want to let my ego slumber.
Already, there feels like there is much to do, but that is not my spirituality. I know the Truth that this moment is eternal. I have all the time in the world and there is nothing to be done.
My intention is to step into my power. I'm learning more about that power. It was when I decided to step into my power that I could increase my confidence on interviews by preparing for them. I'm tracking down what I know and learning how to talk about it. Stepping into my power is also leading me to finish my time tracking software and make it available as an app. Stepping into my power is showing up and living with my supposed duality, where I can move from recording an Orgasmic Yoga session to writing software. These are not opposed to each other, but pursuing both keeps me out of either box.
Monday, December 30, 2013
New Mission and Vision for 2014
This is a journal entry from Friday 11/29/13
I am thinking about gratitude. It's hard not to be worried about the future. At the same time, I've been away from work since April and I can still pay my bills. Today, all my needs are met.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 12/5/13
I'd like to earn $1000 per year and save $20k per year maxing out a 401k or other retirement account. I'd like an intensive and vacation each year – maybe 10k per year.
I'd like to work 5 hours a day 4 days a week or 20 hours per week. I'd like 3 free days per week. I'd like 5 vacations a year – 3 short and 2 long. With my free time, I will take classes and learn things deeply, spend time nude sunbathing. Tech classes, erotic classes, science classes, philosophy classes. Reading science fiction. Spiritual and erotic retreats. I like work that has right answers – like software development with time to explore the code. I like work that is deep and meaningful. Joy?
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 12/10/13
I'm having a crisis. I don't want to do this anymore. It's not a lack of confidence, but a feeling that I don't want to make a career of this.
I hit a block today. I feel uncomfortable. It has to do with my thoughts. I can't explain. I don't want to be controversial. I think I'm feeling shame. How can I take care of myself?
I'm picking up clients, slowly and surely. Do I believe in the work I am doing? Yes. There is a need for this kind of work. I believe I have the potential to do this well. I am also afraid of being rejected. I don't know how to express this work to those that see sex as a moral weakness. I know there are those who would judge me because I judge myself.
This is a journal entry from Friday 12/20/13
I remember snippets of a dream. I put a clipboard on the wall next to someone who had been working hard on something. She was exasperated when she saw that I got employee of the month. I explained it was from last month and she'd be getting it for this month.
Maybe in a different dream, my mother was driving somewhere. There were little explosions of gas beneath tire blocks. It was raining with lots of water. I guessed it was pressure from the water making the little explosions. It may have just been a dream telling me to get up and pee. :)
Where do I want to go? Where do I want to end up?
I want to travel: Amsterdam, Hawaii... I want an intensive each year. I want vacations in Palm Springs, Key West and on cruise ships. I want to be comfortable around people.
The last one... I haven't always been comfortable around others. I learned that. I want to be popular for being myself.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 12/21/13
Where do I want to end up? I want to be able to support my partner so that he can find work that makes him happy. I want a house where we can park our camper, have a separate entrance to The Temple. The Temple should be able to support all intentions without needing a separate dungeon. The house should be big enough to have boarders. I still want to be able to travel.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 12/26/13
I'm developing a visualization exercise to help me develop some motivation and some manifestation. This is not the final version:
I am on the stage again. I'm amazed how much I enjoy this. Thousands of people watch me as I open my heart and soul to them. I feel energized and loved. I feel lifted up.
Later, I am at another intensive. Each one I attend teaches me more about myself, opens my heart a little more. I love being of service to the other participants. I love allowing them to serve me. The natural environment is beautiful I weep with joy.
Later, I'm back with my housemates. Sharing expenses makes living very inexpensive. It's a challenge to live together, but there is so much love and growth we share. We are a family. We support each other even when we disagree.
I keep coming back to a greater need for depth. There is such a shallowness in the world and the deeper need for connection is like a malaise. The shallowness. Where is my depth? How do I share that? How do I express it? I feel like there's something I need to do, a different way of being, a complete surrender to my true nature.
This is a journal entry from Friday 12/27/13
I'm still torn about ideas of spirituality. I see the example of Jesus and Buddha who step out with nothing. I feel that that is what god wants from me. But the fact is that I don't know what God has in store for me. Do I have the courage to live my life out loud? That is the crux. That is what I fear.
Living my life out loud could mean being unemployable in the corporate world. That is where any deviation is used to eliminate resumés. If they see me as a pornographer and prostitute, they won't see my technical skills. But I have technical skills. It's time to use them for my own benefit. Maybe that's the lesson for me. Companies have paid me large sums of money to use my skills. Even if I'm not with a company, those skills are still valuable.
That makes me feel electric. Maybe I'm on the right track.
So, what is my mission? Generally, a mission statement is relatively stable, but mine has changed and I'm still not satisfied. My interest in science and technology needs to be represented. My inward focus on consciousness should also be represented as it is the cornerstone of my spirituality. Does sex belong in my mission statement? Maybe it obscures something deeper. Love.
I often find myself rushed and upset. Not very loving. At the same time, I feel myself tearing up at the suffering in the world. I want to slow down and not feel so intolerant of the people I meet. I forget they know suffering.
My mission involves service. I still feel most complete when I serve a leader, when I am a sidekick, faithful companion.
Service, science and technology, spirituality. But more important, deep work that's hard to categorize
.
What is the underlying theme? What is it I do that is so automatic that I can't see it? Anonymous sex. Computer hardware repair. Software development. Bug fixing. Believing in God. Journaling. Thinking.
I have wanted to understand. How the physical world works. How programming works. I have sought to control my world by understanding it. I have made money fixing things that were broken. I could say my mission was to understand the world, but that wouldn't mean anything if that understanding was the end.
My vision has to do with how I am manifesting my mission in the next year. I want to be making money to support my mission of exploration. I want to begin speaking.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 12/29/13
I'm going to continue working on my visualization. Maybe I need several to work from. I want a lot, even though I don't want much. First is authenticity. I don't feel like I'm being true to myself. I still feel like I need to hide who I truly am and maybe that I'm hiding from myself. How do I know when I'm being true to myself? When I can feel safe making mistakes. When I can allow myself to be human. When I can laugh and cry with others. When I can let my guard down.
Imagining being on stage naked giving a lecture to an auditorium with hundreds or thousands of people.
My Mission is to seek to understand the world so that I can help make it better.
My vision is to grow my prosperity in support of my mission through service, to live my life out-loud, to complete my training, and to teach what I have learned.
I am thinking about gratitude. It's hard not to be worried about the future. At the same time, I've been away from work since April and I can still pay my bills. Today, all my needs are met.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 12/5/13
I'd like to earn $1000 per year and save $20k per year maxing out a 401k or other retirement account. I'd like an intensive and vacation each year – maybe 10k per year.
I'd like to work 5 hours a day 4 days a week or 20 hours per week. I'd like 3 free days per week. I'd like 5 vacations a year – 3 short and 2 long. With my free time, I will take classes and learn things deeply, spend time nude sunbathing. Tech classes, erotic classes, science classes, philosophy classes. Reading science fiction. Spiritual and erotic retreats. I like work that has right answers – like software development with time to explore the code. I like work that is deep and meaningful. Joy?
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 12/10/13
I'm having a crisis. I don't want to do this anymore. It's not a lack of confidence, but a feeling that I don't want to make a career of this.
I hit a block today. I feel uncomfortable. It has to do with my thoughts. I can't explain. I don't want to be controversial. I think I'm feeling shame. How can I take care of myself?
I'm picking up clients, slowly and surely. Do I believe in the work I am doing? Yes. There is a need for this kind of work. I believe I have the potential to do this well. I am also afraid of being rejected. I don't know how to express this work to those that see sex as a moral weakness. I know there are those who would judge me because I judge myself.
This is a journal entry from Friday 12/20/13
I remember snippets of a dream. I put a clipboard on the wall next to someone who had been working hard on something. She was exasperated when she saw that I got employee of the month. I explained it was from last month and she'd be getting it for this month.
Maybe in a different dream, my mother was driving somewhere. There were little explosions of gas beneath tire blocks. It was raining with lots of water. I guessed it was pressure from the water making the little explosions. It may have just been a dream telling me to get up and pee. :)
Where do I want to go? Where do I want to end up?
I want to travel: Amsterdam, Hawaii... I want an intensive each year. I want vacations in Palm Springs, Key West and on cruise ships. I want to be comfortable around people.
The last one... I haven't always been comfortable around others. I learned that. I want to be popular for being myself.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 12/21/13
Where do I want to end up? I want to be able to support my partner so that he can find work that makes him happy. I want a house where we can park our camper, have a separate entrance to The Temple. The Temple should be able to support all intentions without needing a separate dungeon. The house should be big enough to have boarders. I still want to be able to travel.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 12/26/13
I'm developing a visualization exercise to help me develop some motivation and some manifestation. This is not the final version:
I am on the stage again. I'm amazed how much I enjoy this. Thousands of people watch me as I open my heart and soul to them. I feel energized and loved. I feel lifted up.
Later, I am at another intensive. Each one I attend teaches me more about myself, opens my heart a little more. I love being of service to the other participants. I love allowing them to serve me. The natural environment is beautiful I weep with joy.
Later, I'm back with my housemates. Sharing expenses makes living very inexpensive. It's a challenge to live together, but there is so much love and growth we share. We are a family. We support each other even when we disagree.
I keep coming back to a greater need for depth. There is such a shallowness in the world and the deeper need for connection is like a malaise. The shallowness. Where is my depth? How do I share that? How do I express it? I feel like there's something I need to do, a different way of being, a complete surrender to my true nature.
This is a journal entry from Friday 12/27/13
I'm still torn about ideas of spirituality. I see the example of Jesus and Buddha who step out with nothing. I feel that that is what god wants from me. But the fact is that I don't know what God has in store for me. Do I have the courage to live my life out loud? That is the crux. That is what I fear.
Living my life out loud could mean being unemployable in the corporate world. That is where any deviation is used to eliminate resumés. If they see me as a pornographer and prostitute, they won't see my technical skills. But I have technical skills. It's time to use them for my own benefit. Maybe that's the lesson for me. Companies have paid me large sums of money to use my skills. Even if I'm not with a company, those skills are still valuable.
That makes me feel electric. Maybe I'm on the right track.
So, what is my mission? Generally, a mission statement is relatively stable, but mine has changed and I'm still not satisfied. My interest in science and technology needs to be represented. My inward focus on consciousness should also be represented as it is the cornerstone of my spirituality. Does sex belong in my mission statement? Maybe it obscures something deeper. Love.
I often find myself rushed and upset. Not very loving. At the same time, I feel myself tearing up at the suffering in the world. I want to slow down and not feel so intolerant of the people I meet. I forget they know suffering.
My mission involves service. I still feel most complete when I serve a leader, when I am a sidekick, faithful companion.
Service, science and technology, spirituality. But more important, deep work that's hard to categorize
.
What is the underlying theme? What is it I do that is so automatic that I can't see it? Anonymous sex. Computer hardware repair. Software development. Bug fixing. Believing in God. Journaling. Thinking.
I have wanted to understand. How the physical world works. How programming works. I have sought to control my world by understanding it. I have made money fixing things that were broken. I could say my mission was to understand the world, but that wouldn't mean anything if that understanding was the end.
My vision has to do with how I am manifesting my mission in the next year. I want to be making money to support my mission of exploration. I want to begin speaking.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 12/29/13
I'm going to continue working on my visualization. Maybe I need several to work from. I want a lot, even though I don't want much. First is authenticity. I don't feel like I'm being true to myself. I still feel like I need to hide who I truly am and maybe that I'm hiding from myself. How do I know when I'm being true to myself? When I can feel safe making mistakes. When I can allow myself to be human. When I can laugh and cry with others. When I can let my guard down.
Imagining being on stage naked giving a lecture to an auditorium with hundreds or thousands of people.
My Mission is to seek to understand the world so that I can help make it better.
My vision is to grow my prosperity in support of my mission through service, to live my life out-loud, to complete my training, and to teach what I have learned.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
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