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Friday, January 24, 2014

Stepping Into My Power - Journal Entries

This is a journal entry from Thursday 1/2/14

When I was in Basic Training for the Army National Guard, I had an overwhelmingly powerful affirmative experience. I'll try to write about it here, but hope to expound on it later. Around half way through OSUT (One Station Unit Training), I got pneumonia. By then, everyone in the platoon had developed cohesion. For the most part, we were supporting each other, and knew a little about each other's character.

Something had happened. There were some cadets that were helping the  drill sergeants. There was a big overnight hike. Even though I was on profile (had a medical excuse), one of the cadets wouldn't let me out of that hike/run. I was encouraging myself to cough, which wasn't hard, to get sympathy and drop out of the hike. Even so, I wasn't giving up. I didn't talk back. During that time, I made an impression on the other men in the platoon. Eventually the drill sergeant heard me coughing up a lung and got me on a truck and the cadet got chewed out.

Sometime after that, we were back in the barracks. Here I'm fuzzy. A drill sergeant or someone made a comment about me, or got after me. I think I was heading to the latrine or something. I think the men were supposed to be in their bunks or something. When the drill sergeant asked what I was doing or if I was stupid or something - I don't remember what, all the other men in the platoon came to my rescue. They told him I could hang. "He can hang, drill sergeant!" I felt an overwhelming support and appreciation from the other men and it was like nothing I ever experienced. I smiled and tucked my head down and rushed about what I was doing, all the while feeling surprised and overwhelmed by their love.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 1/8/14

At this moment, I can feel something beneath the surface. There is something that wants to manifest. I think back to when I was laid off and how wound up I got about finding a new job. That has not happened since I left my last company, but I have had moments of panic.

I can see that it's time to step into my power. I have not seriously searched for a job. I have been to some interviews. One that went well fell apart during the more general non-technical phase.

My schedule is now full. Between taking some classes at ACC, working on my Yoga of Sex course, writing my own software, and trying to find a business model for my erotic work - my days are packed. If I have a job, too, things will be dropped. But I can't continue without an income. Maybe that's not true?

Stepping into my power, what is mine to do? Mainly it's to step into my power. That's all this is about. I can see that I've been running away from it. So, it's really all about stepping into my power. It always has been.

What does that look like to me? I am decisive. I act in spite of fear. I act with integrity.

This is a journal entry from Friday 1/10/14

Yesterday, I was focusing on stepping into my power. I wanted to know what that would look like. One of the things that came to mind was my ability to dive into a technical project, so I spent yesterday working on my time tracking application. One of my strengths is my single minded determination and focus. It feels good. It's about time I put it to work.

I have a tendency to avoid making decisions. I don't like being defined or limited. So I decided that stepping into my power also means being decisive. That sounds like a powerful idea.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 1/12/14

My days are busier. When I had enough time, I still didn't clean my office. How do I find the balance and still do everything I want to do? I wanted to skip church today to work on my application. I'm motivated by it. How do I have time for the gym, Orgasmic Yoga, and all my other obligations. What do I need to release? How do I do what I don't do when I have enough time?

This is a journal entry from Monday 1/13/14

I choose to step into my power. Yesterday, I was wondering how to do the things I don't do even when I have enough time for them. I'm not employed right now and I have no  time. Time, time, time. Clearly the solution to this problem involves stepping into my power.

Many many years ago, I focused on sympathy. I tried to play the victim so that people would go easier on me. I'm not sure that's true, but I've felt battered by life, even when it goes well. I feel like life pushes me around, like I have to do this, this and this. But I don't want to, so I dig in stubbornly and feel overwhelmed by life. I feel weary. All of this comes from within me. Life is very kind to me.

I think stepping into my power is the only way to get out of the time trap. I think I need to take ownership and responsibility for my life by stepping into my power.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 1/14/14

Let me step into my power today. Let me be supported by the Life of the Universe. Let me find the inner alignment I seek. Let me live out-loud. Let me stop hiding.

I need to set up a phone interview, but my insecurities are surfacing again. This company has the vacation time I need. It sounds ideal. And I am afraid.

I believe I am good at what I do. I believe I have skills to offer. So then I must also believe there is a company out there who can use my help. Can I stretch that and believe that God will guide me to where I need to be?

I believe that when I step into my power, I am aligning my will with God's will.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 1/15/14

This experience is teaching me new things. I put pressure on myself when I am coding. I think it bothers me when employers put pressure on me on top of that. I feel insulted as if they can't see how much I'm already pressuring myself, so they t think I need more. In my mind, managers have nothing better to do than put on the pressure.

I'm not sure how much more I need to do before I'm ready to release my software. The next phases will help me generalize it to run on a desktop, iPhone, or android device.

I'm also trying to rev myself up for a phone interview. And I'm having my genitals pleasure mapped today.

This is a journal entry from Thursday 1/16/14

I'm trying to figure out how to prepare for the interview tomorrow. My emotions are negative. I'm afraid to even try. I feel under attack at interviews. I feel defensive. When I'm asked a question, I feel anxiety which keeps me from thinking.

In reality, it is as it has always been. I am guided to where I need to be. I am always guided to where I need to be. If this is my job, then it cannot be kept from me. Nothing can separate me from my prosperity, my next job. I have no way of knowing if this is that. But I can relax because whatever will be will be.

If I get this job, it will be OK. If I don't get this job, it will be OK. If I get this job, the people I interview with will be co-workers. I need to treat them like that to start. I need to change my attitude so that I don't see the interviewers as aggressors. They want to hire someone. They don't want to have to do any more interviews. I need to see these people as allies.

This is a journal entry from Friday 1/17/14

I'm spending more time thinking about this company than usual. I especially like the idea of having time to go to intensives as well as for vacations. If I'm going to find another job that gives me the income I need to support my mission, then I need to find a way to enjoy this process.

There's no reason not to enjoy this process. It's my chance to explore technology companies in Austin. It's a chance for me to learn how to present myself and communicate my skills.

I will put together an arsenal. I don't have to go into interviews blind. I can put together the tools I need in advance. I can practice using my tools until I am proficient.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 1/19/14

Good morning. Since I wanted to record my Orgasmic Yoga session for Joseph's new endeavor today, I wanted today to be spiritually focused. I don't know what that looks like, but I wanted to stay open to guidance from Spirit. I want to let my ego slumber.

Already, there feels like there is much to do, but that is not my spirituality. I know the Truth that this moment is eternal. I have all the time in the world and there is nothing to be done.

My intention is to step into my power. I'm learning more about that power. It was when I decided to step into my power that I could increase my confidence on interviews by preparing for them. I'm tracking down what I know and learning how to talk about it. Stepping into my power is also leading me to finish my time tracking software and make it available as an app. Stepping into my power is showing up and living with my supposed duality, where I can move from recording an Orgasmic Yoga session to writing software. These are not opposed to each other, but pursuing both keeps me out of either box.

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