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Wake Up

 When I was growing up, I put people in uniform on a pedestal. Police, firemen, soldiers,... They were all "more than" other people. They were more noble and brave and disciplined. They were better than other people.

Then I joined the Army National Guard. I became one of those men in uniform. I met many other military men in uniform over the next 10 years. I discovered that they were all just human - like me or anyone else. They were not inherently better or stronger. They were human.

I bring  this up for two reasons. I was wondering how much we look down on other people who we think of as "less than." If I was putting people on pedestals, are there people who put other groups in the ditch, as not as important as us? I think it has to be so. Hearing about people on the other side of the world suffering from natural disasters or war, how does that relate to me? I have no connection. As for people who come here from other countries, I've worked side by side with them. They are the same as me. Some smarter, some less so. But all are worthy. So in this country, even if you are born here, it's not uncommon to see your group as more valid than other groups, or races. If you never connect with people from Southeast Asia, or even Native Americans, you have nothing to inform you that these people are people just like you... human.

And more troubling, if you put some people on pedestals - like police officers, and others in the ditch - like African Americans, it's easier to see a victim of police violence as deserving of that violence. If a policeman wouldn't harm me, then if they do harm someone - it was justified. But for me - there's a difference. If someone is on a pedestal and I consider them "brave," but they shoot an unarmed human because they "feel threatened," then how brave can they possibly be?

So my end conclusion is that we need to wake up - to be woke - and put every human we encounter on a level playing field. No more pedestals and ditches. When you meet someone - give them the same right to exist as you. Why is that such a radical idea that it would become a punchline about being "woke?"

 

Following Dreams

 I have an untested theory. I'm playing with the idea of doing what I want until I find a job that will let me do what I want. Or at least find a way to earn money doing what I want.

I'm beginning with writing. It actually seems to be helping me sleep better. Maybe I'm moving forward and that gives me some fulfillment. It doesn't really feel like I'm getting stuff out, but that I feel like I'm moving forward again.

I'm convinced that my queer spirit gives me connection with the divine. I've perceived different ways of seeing the world – liberal vs. conservative, community vs. individuality, and the need for balance. And fear based religion.

I'd really like to just have sex for money, but I seem to do better offering more. I often come back to the idea of being able to have sex for money when I was younger. If I had been able to do sex work in college, if it was legal and didn't run the risk of giving me a criminal record, it would have been ideal. I had so much sex at that time without being paid. I learned so much about sex and erotic desire, and how norm it all was. If I had been able to work toward my degree and be able to earn money through sex work in a safe and supported environment, I would have been in heaven.

Religious Fear

 Usually I think of religion as a means to have faith and release fear. I can recognize that evil has no power over me. Identifying as a Christian, I know that I cannot really be harmed, my life is in God's hands. Even if I die, I am safe in His arms. But that's how my faith works.

My perspective is that there are those who claim to be Christian (in fact they claim to be the only “real” Christians) that for some reason need to legally enforce their moral laws on all others of any religion. I can only imagine this is driven from fear. If you truly had Faith, why would you need to enforce it in man's laws. If  you believe you have everlasting lift through the Christ who lives in and through you, what do you have to fear? Even death can't touch you.

Then there is also the idea of the breadth of God's love. You can believe that all people are God's children, regardless of how they identify God. Or you can believe your specific group is the only one that is chosen and everyone else is damned. Maybe you believe you're the only one and you feel  compelled to make other's believe exactly as you do. How crushing is that?

I tend to believe in God who has a broad love. He appears different depending on each one who believes, even to the point that he has many manifestations and can seem to be many gods. I don't need anyone else to believe this. It's not my business how you relate to God. Why do others believe they should be able to dictate my faith?

Having a Christian basis has been a tough slog for me. Who wants to believe that no matter what you do, you'll burn in hell? “Just don't be gay,” is beyond my ability. I can't say I won't burn in a lake of fire for 1000 years, but I can say that God wants what's best for me. So if 1000 years of fire is how I live my best life, I'm OK with that. If everything ends when I die, I'm fine with that. I'm good no matter what because fear has no place in me because of my faith. I live now and want to help others live now. I don't want to punish people with whom I don't agree. I want everyone to live their best life while we live. That does not depend on faith, color, sex, or sexuality. But I will reserve the right to defend myself from unwarranted attacks. I will not live in fear. I want you to also be free of fear.

Liberal / Conservative Divide

 I once fantasized about writing a book to better understand liberal and conservative views – to help those who hold opposing views to work together. Both perspectives are important.

As a basis for political ideology though, it no longer seems practical. They have become polarized. Much of our identity has become differentiating from the opposing political camp. Even those who don't pay attention to politics probably will say “this person is liberal,” or “this person is conservative.” We always see through the lenses of our experience. That seems to supersede politics.

From my perspective, the liberal lens is fundamentally “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” Conservatives might consider this a pro-socialism or anti-capitalism. That the way the lens works. Maybe the conservative view is “individual liberty is essential.” My perspective is that it only appears to be true for some, but not others because others can't be trusted. I'm sure if someone was sincerely conservative, they would explain it in a way that I could understand, leaving out where the ideology conflicts with practice. The same could be true of liberal minded people.

Ultimately, we need both perspectives. Individual liberty gives me the ability to support the greater good. Since I don't see individual liberty under threat from liberal leaning people, I don't feel the need to defend it at every turn. But since my perspective of the greater good is important to me, I feel my individual liberty is under threat from those who see their individual liberty under siege. The collective good, or commonwealth, is essential for individual liberty.

If I say “we need to try to keep weapons out of the hands of mass shooters before they go on a rampage” is heard as “I'm coming for your guns,” no matter how hard I try to be clear, what can I do? I just don't want someone to shoot up a school, or a club, or a mall. That's all. The answer shouldn't be to get more guns on the street. The AR-15 is not an effective weapon for hunting. It damages it's target too much. The meat would not be edible. The carcass would not be suitable for taxidermy. The only reason to have one is fear.

Next time (maybe): Religion and Fear

 

Modern Manifestation of Indigenous Spiritual Practices

 Friday 11/25/2022

Can't sleep since 4 AM

Thinking about the character played by Graham Norton in Soul, Moonwind. Living in the gap between the physical and the spiritual worlds.

Since before there was “human history,” queer people have been recognized as the healers, shaman, visionaries,... living in both the physical and spiritual worlds. It has only been Western religion that has “cast them out” in a manner of speaking. The secular world doesn't acknowledge the spiritual. So what is the “spiritual world” in secular society? Where do we find meaning? What role do queers fill? Or “Indigo” children, autistic, special needs,.. all of us who exist in multiple worlds?

I want to say “subconscious,” but it may have more to do with subjective experience and objective experience. It could be argued we only exist as a result of consciousness. We only encounter objective reality through math and physics. We believe in solid objects because that's what we perceive, ignoring the dynamic/energetic nature of reality. We “imagine” protons and neutrons are “solid” even though we cannot touch them directly and our experience of “Solid” depends on touching and when we touch, we only experience collections of particles and it depends on electrons repelling each other.

So where does that leave us? Being aware of and able to interact with objective reality gives us amazing control of our environment, but we still have our existence in subjective reality. It is the “most real” world we can experience, which causes us to believe it is “objective.”

There is the paradox. Queer life today tries to exclude us from “objective” truth, so we (perhaps) go deeper into the “subjective,” which helps us poke holes in the reality of those who confuse their “subjective” reality with “objective” reality, lifting all of us higher.

How do queers re-establish our experience in the modern world? Are we “hole pokers.”

New Objectives

 As within, so without. As always, As above, so below.

There are things happening in the world that trouble me. Maybe the answer is to find peace in meditation. But maybe it also indicates where I need to see better, where I contribute to it, where I need to grow. I need a way to see where I fit.

There are also things in my personal life that ares sticking points for me.

• Wanting to clean up an simplify so that closing it out won't be difficult when I transition
• My list of “to do” work

I've been off work for a week and a half, and I haven't moved forward. It's time to wake up. Hindsight is literally 2020.

• I am worried about
• climate change
• social injustice
• Growing up on Star Trek, I am afraid that
• our species will fail while destroying the ecosystem of the planet
• people are not acting rationally
• We fail each other and penalize our attempts to survive
• emotionally
• physically
• I want to do sex work in peace
• I want to be man and animal
• I want physicality and spirituality to co-exist
• I'm tired of the lack of common sense and self-enrichment