Saturday, February 18, 2012

My Story: Part 2

My Story: Part 1

I was not an exhibitionist growing up - maybe I was before I turned three or four. At some point, I learned to feel shame when I was naked and avoided it like the plague. At some point, I found an adult theater in Washington DC that had a back area with some platforms. I was a horn dog at that time. I ended up sitting on a man's cock one night and it turned into a doggy style fuck on a darkly lit platform above an impromptu audience. I loved it and found that I really liked the other men watching me get fucked. I felt celebrated for doing what I loved to do.

Over the years, I've had sex with many many men and enjoyed almost all of them. I learned so many ways to have sex. Everyone is different, but I tended to follow the lead of the man I was with. I tend to get off on whatever gets my partner off. It's only recently that I've seen that as part of my Sacred Intimate identity. It feels like a gift.

I had toyed with the idea of prostitution when I was in college. I didn't need the money, but thought it would be fun to get paid for something that I enjoyed. I didn't do it. Sometime in the last ten years, I found the term Sacred Intimate. Other terms that mean the same thing are temple whore or temple prostitute. Apparently in some Eastern religions, sex is seen as an avenue to enlightenment. I wonder what my life would be like if I had been able to follow that path.

I started asking how I could become a Sacred Intimate and someone at Body Electric gave me the names of some intensives I could take - Dear Love of Comrades, Healing the Wounded Healer, and Creating Sacred Intimacy. I've found it very healing and someone at my first intensive saw me as a healer. I'm convinced much of the misery in the modern world comes from sexual ignorance and repression. I began a journey to try to join the sexual and the spiritual.

I had a Christian background growing up that spanned from Presbyterian to Baptist. I learned fear there, but I never got how sex was inherently sinful. Sure, I could see bad things like rape the dishonesty of adultery, but sex itself didn't seem bad to me. It felt too good to be bad and I saw that Creator God must have made us able to experience pleasure or we wouldn't.

My spiritual foundation was the twelve step programs of NA and AA where you could have an understanding of God that worked for you. From there I got to Unity which teaches that there is only one presence and power in the universe which is God who is good. God could also be called Higher Power or Divine Consciousness - not a personality but maybe life or love itself. My spirituality is very important to me. Since I am inherently sexual, I needed to find a way to include it in my spirituality.

I think most people don't like the idea of God being present when they have sex. I come from the perspective that God is present everywhere all the time - including in me when I'm taking a fist in the ass. I believe that God experiences his world through me - so if I feel pleasure, so does God. I don't feel I have an existence apart from God. I don't necessarily want to convince other people of my beliefs, but I do want them to find out how to experience pleasure without guilt or shame. I don't think guilt and shame are necessary. Seeing sex as sacred deepens it to unbelievable depths - much more than just getting off.

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