I began with an intention, "I forget myself today as I surrender to the flow of life." Then as I was masturbating and moving and feeling the energy, I looked over and saw the "I Am" map that I made for the 4T class. I saw a phrase that I had forgot to put on the first version, "I Am free." I began using that phrase, repeating it as I focused on my heart and the physical sensations. In freedom, I tried to touch every part of my body that I could think of. I rubbed oil on my feet and calves and thighs. I kissed my toes. I held myself near ejaculation and told myself to relax and let the energy flow. I touched my anus and crack with my hand and remembered how I used to cause myself deep rectal contractions when I played - years ago. I would push the piss out of myself as I played. I recognized that I was seeking another level of consciousness and began focusing on the present moment, and I didn't feel present.
I acknowledged that I don't usually feel present. I often feel separate from myself. I don't feel real to myself. In my altered state, I was able to admit that I don't feel present. My experience of the world is often being filtered through my thoughts. My head separates me from what feels real - even as I was having sex with myself. My goal is to be awake and present.
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