That's the key. People in charge do not seem invested in the common good. Not all people are selfish, but there are people who act selfishly. There are people who will not be free out of fear. I want to the courage to live free.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Courage
I want to write an algorithm to draw money to myself so that I can use that money to benefit others, to fulfill my mission of freeing people from shame of their animals, to become stewards of each other and of life on Earth.
That's the key. People in charge do not seem invested in the common good. Not all people are selfish, but there are people who act selfishly. There are people who will not be free out of fear. I want to the courage to live free.
That's the key. People in charge do not seem invested in the common good. Not all people are selfish, but there are people who act selfishly. There are people who will not be free out of fear. I want to the courage to live free.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Attitude
I must care for my attitude. I can reiterate my beliefs. I can focus on Truth:
What does my life look like in the best possible light:
- I am right where I'm supposed to be, where I need to be.
- I don't have to wrestle with life, but I can let it flow.
- Everything is perfect just the way it is, despite appearances.
- I allow myself to live in a state of grace, aware of my blessings.
What does my life look like in the best possible light:
- I am loved.
- My level of income lets me live in a style that I like.
- All my desires are fulfilled.
- I am very competent and highly skilled
- I pursue solutions until I find them
- There is nothing beyond my reach
Monday, December 29, 2014
Your Life's Calling: What I've learned so far
The format of this blog is changing. In the recent past, I have been posting journal entries directly to the blog. I have been told that others might get something out of seeing my process. I use my journal to explore my thoughts and feelings. I look at where I am blocked or unhappy. I ask questions that arise and try to answer them. I've decided to move forward from that and begin posting more coherent entries.
This post explores the simple idea of your life's calling. This seems like a good topic as we approach the new year, although I don't like setting this time apart as if it was literally an ending and beginning. That, to me, feels like such an artificial construct. In fact, this topic has weighed on me for the past five years, if not much longer.
When I first explored this idea in my senior year of high school, it was manifesting as how I would earn money. I had grown up with the archetype of the Star Trek universe. I saw myself as an analytical support for an emotionally intuitive hero: Spock for Kirk. Looking back, part of the allure was being in control of my emotions which were so chaotic during my childhood. Today, I understand that my attraction to that archetype as important. It may yet hold the key to my life's mission.
There were some problems in searching for my life's purpose. First is that I was confusing it with a career. How do I make money from my purpose? I took that question and added my love for Spock and ended up with a push into physics. A funny thing happened on the way and I delved into consciousness expanding drugs. I don't know if I ever had a chance at a physics degree, but I had trouble with the math. I could never find a vision of a physics degree that filled me with passion. Nothing took me in the direction of being Spock.
The foray did teach me how to think critically, and I picked up software programming relatively easily. I still feel I have a decent understanding of how the physical universe works. And it provided an income that allows me to pay off the debts of my earlier years.
My understanding of my mission has changed. I recognized how much I enjoyed sex and how shamelessly I experienced it as a gay man. It took me some time to share my sexual orientation with my family. I still have shame to overcome in the broader culture, but I feel further ahead than so many people I've encountered. I toyed with the idea of doing porn and being a sex worker. My sense of freedom to pursue that has only come to fulfillment after I passed midlife. I am now 49 and feel I have more to offer. Without cultural support, I could not have been prepared any earlier. Even if I had, I would not have the financial stability that gives me that freedom today. That would be a worthy goal of support in itself – giving young adults who share this calling to serve as sex workers safely while furthering their education and long term prosperity.
My new sense of purpose and mission is far beyond the idea of career. Now it's focused on sacrificing everything to fulfill my mission. It's not how I can make money from it, but how can I most effectively spend money and energy on it. That is a new concept and hard to anchor in western culture. My mission statement has been getting more clear since I started trying to phrase it. I'm looking for a form that is stable and unchanging, although the way it manifests may change. My mission is to contribute to the survival of life on Earth by giving people permission, understanding, and serving.
From my perspective, the key to getting at your purpose is to spend time thinking about it regularly. When you're ready, write it down. If it doesn't feel right later, revise it. Look for the version that is unchanging. There are plenty of books about finding your life's purpose. Consider working with a life coach or a therapist. Don't consider money. What you've done for a living is a clue, but also what feeds your passion. What fills you with passion? Keep looking for that. It's important.
This post explores the simple idea of your life's calling. This seems like a good topic as we approach the new year, although I don't like setting this time apart as if it was literally an ending and beginning. That, to me, feels like such an artificial construct. In fact, this topic has weighed on me for the past five years, if not much longer.
When I first explored this idea in my senior year of high school, it was manifesting as how I would earn money. I had grown up with the archetype of the Star Trek universe. I saw myself as an analytical support for an emotionally intuitive hero: Spock for Kirk. Looking back, part of the allure was being in control of my emotions which were so chaotic during my childhood. Today, I understand that my attraction to that archetype as important. It may yet hold the key to my life's mission.
There were some problems in searching for my life's purpose. First is that I was confusing it with a career. How do I make money from my purpose? I took that question and added my love for Spock and ended up with a push into physics. A funny thing happened on the way and I delved into consciousness expanding drugs. I don't know if I ever had a chance at a physics degree, but I had trouble with the math. I could never find a vision of a physics degree that filled me with passion. Nothing took me in the direction of being Spock.
The foray did teach me how to think critically, and I picked up software programming relatively easily. I still feel I have a decent understanding of how the physical universe works. And it provided an income that allows me to pay off the debts of my earlier years.
My understanding of my mission has changed. I recognized how much I enjoyed sex and how shamelessly I experienced it as a gay man. It took me some time to share my sexual orientation with my family. I still have shame to overcome in the broader culture, but I feel further ahead than so many people I've encountered. I toyed with the idea of doing porn and being a sex worker. My sense of freedom to pursue that has only come to fulfillment after I passed midlife. I am now 49 and feel I have more to offer. Without cultural support, I could not have been prepared any earlier. Even if I had, I would not have the financial stability that gives me that freedom today. That would be a worthy goal of support in itself – giving young adults who share this calling to serve as sex workers safely while furthering their education and long term prosperity.
My new sense of purpose and mission is far beyond the idea of career. Now it's focused on sacrificing everything to fulfill my mission. It's not how I can make money from it, but how can I most effectively spend money and energy on it. That is a new concept and hard to anchor in western culture. My mission statement has been getting more clear since I started trying to phrase it. I'm looking for a form that is stable and unchanging, although the way it manifests may change. My mission is to contribute to the survival of life on Earth by giving people permission, understanding, and serving.
From my perspective, the key to getting at your purpose is to spend time thinking about it regularly. When you're ready, write it down. If it doesn't feel right later, revise it. Look for the version that is unchanging. There are plenty of books about finding your life's purpose. Consider working with a life coach or a therapist. Don't consider money. What you've done for a living is a clue, but also what feeds your passion. What fills you with passion? Keep looking for that. It's important.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Time (again), Priorities and Progress: October Journaling
I've updated my website. Please take a look and let me know what you think http://rexharley.com:
This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/2/14
I would like to change my attitude. There's no reason not to feel good on a regular basis. I have a lot of control over my experience. I'm not trapped at my desk at work. I'm not doing anything that makes me feel remorse.
I want to make a fundamental change, but why? What will I look like when I do? I am free. I step more and more deeply into my freedom regularly. That counts for something.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/4/14
I'm looking at my priorities. It seems to build my SI business, I should become a certified massage therapist. But before I finished that, I wanted my Sexological Bodywork Training. I had put that on hold to focus on my relationship. It's easy to see how those things cascade.
Part of my vision statement is to complete my training. I was specifically thinking about Sexological Bodywork Training, there. What are my real priorities? My relationship. My practice. My prosperity.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/9/14
What's important to me? It's becoming more important to not feel rushed. I'm tired of having too much to do. Since I create my reality, I'm responsible for that. A human lifetime seems so short. I want to do so much that I hate to do anything.
One time, it might have been fun to be paid for sex. Working in software has been fun, too. A video game has so many constraints and limitations, but writing actual software is very unlimited. It is a creative process, but it's not treated like art. It's treated like an engineering project.
What is important?
My partner is important. Sign language is important because of my partner. Prosperity is important because of the freedom it offers. Overcoming my fears and shames is important because of the freedom it offers. My spiritual practice is important because of the freedom it offers. What is mine to give to the world? What am I here to express? Expressing myself is important because I fear it. It makes me vulnerable. I must be vulnerable in a world where that is not safe.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/11/14
Palm Springs - Healthy Friction
I'm feeling a little off today. Yesterday, too. Maybe it was the poppers.
One of the nice things about this event is that everyone has permission for self pleasure. It's a short leap to pleasure someone else or to be pleasured. With all the erections, it feels like I need to have one to keep up. How many are supported by Viagra/Cialis? I like to raise my energy and accept my penis without an erection. I haven't been feeling fully at ease. I would like to know what that's teaching me. Maybe it's because I came twice yesterday.
I sense that I want to simplify my life more, but that's so I won't feel so rushed. I don't know. I have glimpsed the magic of the world I live in, how the world I experience is within me. I want more of that world of magic. So simplifying may not be my real goal. The real goal is to step into my power.
There's a sense that I get busy going from one thing to the next, that I'm always on. That's what I want to turn off. I don't want to feel like I'm too busy to live. So how do I step into my power and stop doing?
This is a journal entry from Sunday 10/12/14
Yes, I want some ritual in my life. I also want to release the feeling I'm always doing something that takes me away from what I want/need to be doing. I want to tie into myself better. What I want to do is to live my life so that when the day is over, I don't feel that I ran out of time before getting to what I wanted to do. I don't want to feel like I'm missing my life.
Chop wood. Carry water.
One factor is second guessing myself, deciding to do whatever I do and then regretting what I didn't do. Did I choose to do the right thing?
I feel like I'm trying to guess what I want to do. What I need to do. Like I don't actually know. I'm getting to know myself.
I feel like I want to work for myself, like I'm tired of working for someone else. Like working for someone else is taking me away from my mission, even if working for someone else gives me resources to do things I want to do.
I feel that there is a way to be where everything flows and my will is the Universal will. How do I find where that is?
This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/18/14
I'm still very angry. I always get angry when someone get's angry with me. Maybe not always, but it is a pattern. I suppose the details aren't important. I was teasing a friend. Apparently it was bothering him more than I realized. He was perceiving something that I don't believe was true and was not in keeping my personality. I want to lash out, but I'll wait until I am in a more loving space.
Last night, I had some very erotic dreams. I remember sucking on a dildo covered in Crisco. I remember feeling acceptance when I expected judgment.
This is a journal entry from Monday 10/21/14
I've been feeling bitter. I feel trapped. Someone I thought was a friend hurt me. There is pressure at work.
At the same time, I must recognize that I am creating this. I've seen others maintain good attitudes in difficult situations. My attitude is off. When my attitude is right, my life falls into place.
This is a journal entry from Friday 10/24/14
I've been touching myself a lot this week. I don't think I've ejaculated since 10/13 - 12 days ago. I've done some meditating almost every morning. When I start self-pleasuring, I don't want to stop. I get so so hard. I love it.
Healing my relationship with time is my focus. I need to stop giving myself so much to do that I am perpetually frustrated. But there's so much I want to do. What do I really want to do and what do other people want me to do that I think are my desires? How much does shame drive my need to do more? How do I live in the moment? My energy is dissipated when I live over a span of time instead of in the moment.
And finally, I need to clear with someone who hurt me who thinks I hurt him. I can't do that from anger.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/25/14
Today, we will do more work on the St. Andrew's Cross. Maybe I'll get more things off my to do list.
My intention remains to heal my relationship with time. I need to understand what that means. 1) at work, I feel that I'm being kept from doing the things important to me - living my mission. 2) In general, I feel like there are too many things to do that keep me from getting to what I really want to do.
Maybe if I can figure out what I'm not getting, I can start to make room for it.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/30/14
I need to make time to be timeless. I need time to sit and be aware of the eternal nature of time, to break free of the cells of time - like hours, days, and weeks. Awareness of time is great for planning and connecting, but it's no way to live.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/2/14
I would like to change my attitude. There's no reason not to feel good on a regular basis. I have a lot of control over my experience. I'm not trapped at my desk at work. I'm not doing anything that makes me feel remorse.
I want to make a fundamental change, but why? What will I look like when I do? I am free. I step more and more deeply into my freedom regularly. That counts for something.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/4/14
I'm looking at my priorities. It seems to build my SI business, I should become a certified massage therapist. But before I finished that, I wanted my Sexological Bodywork Training. I had put that on hold to focus on my relationship. It's easy to see how those things cascade.
Part of my vision statement is to complete my training. I was specifically thinking about Sexological Bodywork Training, there. What are my real priorities? My relationship. My practice. My prosperity.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/9/14
What's important to me? It's becoming more important to not feel rushed. I'm tired of having too much to do. Since I create my reality, I'm responsible for that. A human lifetime seems so short. I want to do so much that I hate to do anything.
One time, it might have been fun to be paid for sex. Working in software has been fun, too. A video game has so many constraints and limitations, but writing actual software is very unlimited. It is a creative process, but it's not treated like art. It's treated like an engineering project.
What is important?
My partner is important. Sign language is important because of my partner. Prosperity is important because of the freedom it offers. Overcoming my fears and shames is important because of the freedom it offers. My spiritual practice is important because of the freedom it offers. What is mine to give to the world? What am I here to express? Expressing myself is important because I fear it. It makes me vulnerable. I must be vulnerable in a world where that is not safe.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/11/14
Palm Springs - Healthy Friction
I'm feeling a little off today. Yesterday, too. Maybe it was the poppers.
One of the nice things about this event is that everyone has permission for self pleasure. It's a short leap to pleasure someone else or to be pleasured. With all the erections, it feels like I need to have one to keep up. How many are supported by Viagra/Cialis? I like to raise my energy and accept my penis without an erection. I haven't been feeling fully at ease. I would like to know what that's teaching me. Maybe it's because I came twice yesterday.
I sense that I want to simplify my life more, but that's so I won't feel so rushed. I don't know. I have glimpsed the magic of the world I live in, how the world I experience is within me. I want more of that world of magic. So simplifying may not be my real goal. The real goal is to step into my power.
There's a sense that I get busy going from one thing to the next, that I'm always on. That's what I want to turn off. I don't want to feel like I'm too busy to live. So how do I step into my power and stop doing?
This is a journal entry from Sunday 10/12/14
Yes, I want some ritual in my life. I also want to release the feeling I'm always doing something that takes me away from what I want/need to be doing. I want to tie into myself better. What I want to do is to live my life so that when the day is over, I don't feel that I ran out of time before getting to what I wanted to do. I don't want to feel like I'm missing my life.
Chop wood. Carry water.
One factor is second guessing myself, deciding to do whatever I do and then regretting what I didn't do. Did I choose to do the right thing?
I feel like I'm trying to guess what I want to do. What I need to do. Like I don't actually know. I'm getting to know myself.
I feel like I want to work for myself, like I'm tired of working for someone else. Like working for someone else is taking me away from my mission, even if working for someone else gives me resources to do things I want to do.
I feel that there is a way to be where everything flows and my will is the Universal will. How do I find where that is?
This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/18/14
I'm still very angry. I always get angry when someone get's angry with me. Maybe not always, but it is a pattern. I suppose the details aren't important. I was teasing a friend. Apparently it was bothering him more than I realized. He was perceiving something that I don't believe was true and was not in keeping my personality. I want to lash out, but I'll wait until I am in a more loving space.
Last night, I had some very erotic dreams. I remember sucking on a dildo covered in Crisco. I remember feeling acceptance when I expected judgment.
This is a journal entry from Monday 10/21/14
I've been feeling bitter. I feel trapped. Someone I thought was a friend hurt me. There is pressure at work.
At the same time, I must recognize that I am creating this. I've seen others maintain good attitudes in difficult situations. My attitude is off. When my attitude is right, my life falls into place.
This is a journal entry from Friday 10/24/14
I've been touching myself a lot this week. I don't think I've ejaculated since 10/13 - 12 days ago. I've done some meditating almost every morning. When I start self-pleasuring, I don't want to stop. I get so so hard. I love it.
Healing my relationship with time is my focus. I need to stop giving myself so much to do that I am perpetually frustrated. But there's so much I want to do. What do I really want to do and what do other people want me to do that I think are my desires? How much does shame drive my need to do more? How do I live in the moment? My energy is dissipated when I live over a span of time instead of in the moment.
And finally, I need to clear with someone who hurt me who thinks I hurt him. I can't do that from anger.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/25/14
Today, we will do more work on the St. Andrew's Cross. Maybe I'll get more things off my to do list.
My intention remains to heal my relationship with time. I need to understand what that means. 1) at work, I feel that I'm being kept from doing the things important to me - living my mission. 2) In general, I feel like there are too many things to do that keep me from getting to what I really want to do.
Maybe if I can figure out what I'm not getting, I can start to make room for it.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/30/14
I need to make time to be timeless. I need time to sit and be aware of the eternal nature of time, to break free of the cells of time - like hours, days, and weeks. Awareness of time is great for planning and connecting, but it's no way to live.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
September Journal: Time and Motivation
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 9/2/14
I have thought about what I didn't get done this weekend, which is typical. I didn't focus on what I did. Yesterday felt very unproductive and that was by design, but I still posted my July journal entries. And I sat in front of a web cam. I never did drum up any new business. The x-tube web cams didn't support me.
I want to help heal the world. I don't want to be tied to corporate work. I had a plan. My plan involved writing and video and teaching people to embrace their sensuality in ways that honor Spirit and harm no one.
I mostly want to be able to get above the details so that I can remember the big picture.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/7/14
“Have the courage to live in the world you create.” This is the thought that developed in yesterday's session. My intention was to heal my relationship with time. What came out of that was finding things to be grateful for at work. I came home from work unmotivated and exhausted. It would be good to find more nourishing ways of recovering after work – maybe by offering sessions.
So it comes back to the search for clients. There are people who need what I offer. How do I connect with them? How do I convince someone that I can help them and am worth the money? There are people who could use my help, but think they can do it on their own. And they can, but I can be a great facilitator.
It came to mind how fortunate it is that my experience of the world is expanding. I can see that I live in a world of muggles who keep themselves trapped in conformity in a changing world, but that's not true because we're all wizards. Still, shame keeps us trapped.
I can see now that I can only t each what people are ready to hear. I am continuing to free myself. My mission is to give people permission. The world seems very dysfunctional. While most people just want to live a quiet life, others are killing over ideologies being led by people interested only in power. I'm interested in teaching people that the world is much more vast. We literally create our own experience. I live in a world where I know the erotic is a God given, life affirming gift. That puts me at odds with many who feel that sex is a shameful necessity or that it's only good if it is couched in spirituality. I see it as all good as long as it is consensual. It can bring new life to anything it is mixed with. It is a powerful healing tool and the source of creativity
This is a journal entry from Friday 9/12/14
The world is bigger and more profound than I typically realize. It's time to start living that way. My life is sacred. There's a desire to start on firm footing, and that is it. I can't haphazardly decide to box up my time and pack in activities, but I can hang activities from it like ornaments. I always want to come back to my sacred heart.
I feel called to go beyond ordinary. I desire to release shame. I desire freedom of action. I am supported by ever-present God. He gives me what I need to live my purpose. I have what I need now. I don't need to quit my job and try to survive by massage alone. My job is to remain open and aware
This is a journal entry from Monday 9/15/14
I have seen a larger way of being in the world. I was avoiding something yesterday, the way I often do. I wanted to distract myself with video games or sex. I never found out what it was.
It's what happens when I forget everything exists in this moment now. It means learning new habits that allow me to do that more deeply. That feels like it needs to come first, before packing my daily periods with chores. I want to learn how to live in the world from this place. That's what I'm looking for
This is a journal entry from Saturday 9/27/14
Dream:
I landed near a river of lava. It was ashen in color. Every now and then, some bright red glowing spots would be visible. Every now and then someone would ski past, heading down the flow. I don't remember what we were talking about.
I stand up and it was night and there were city lights in the valley below. (It wasn't my fault? The environment?) Then we were in the distant past. The lava was mud. I walked across and saw rectangular areas worked in the fields where enormous paintings were being created. It was raining. It felt like I was in a movie. It must have taken a lot of effort to build this facade. Nothing like it would really exist. There was oriental string music playing
This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/28/14
I have a little motivation right now. Do I dare try to stop the train for meditation? It's often hard to get moving on something. I don't want to break the momentum. But this is also the weekend and I don't want to feel like I'm neglecting my partner.
I need my daily practice. It has been put aside for the past two weeks because of a sore throat, cough, and fevers
I have thought about what I didn't get done this weekend, which is typical. I didn't focus on what I did. Yesterday felt very unproductive and that was by design, but I still posted my July journal entries. And I sat in front of a web cam. I never did drum up any new business. The x-tube web cams didn't support me.
I want to help heal the world. I don't want to be tied to corporate work. I had a plan. My plan involved writing and video and teaching people to embrace their sensuality in ways that honor Spirit and harm no one.
I mostly want to be able to get above the details so that I can remember the big picture.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/7/14
“Have the courage to live in the world you create.” This is the thought that developed in yesterday's session. My intention was to heal my relationship with time. What came out of that was finding things to be grateful for at work. I came home from work unmotivated and exhausted. It would be good to find more nourishing ways of recovering after work – maybe by offering sessions.
So it comes back to the search for clients. There are people who need what I offer. How do I connect with them? How do I convince someone that I can help them and am worth the money? There are people who could use my help, but think they can do it on their own. And they can, but I can be a great facilitator.
It came to mind how fortunate it is that my experience of the world is expanding. I can see that I live in a world of muggles who keep themselves trapped in conformity in a changing world, but that's not true because we're all wizards. Still, shame keeps us trapped.
I can see now that I can only t each what people are ready to hear. I am continuing to free myself. My mission is to give people permission. The world seems very dysfunctional. While most people just want to live a quiet life, others are killing over ideologies being led by people interested only in power. I'm interested in teaching people that the world is much more vast. We literally create our own experience. I live in a world where I know the erotic is a God given, life affirming gift. That puts me at odds with many who feel that sex is a shameful necessity or that it's only good if it is couched in spirituality. I see it as all good as long as it is consensual. It can bring new life to anything it is mixed with. It is a powerful healing tool and the source of creativity
This is a journal entry from Friday 9/12/14
The world is bigger and more profound than I typically realize. It's time to start living that way. My life is sacred. There's a desire to start on firm footing, and that is it. I can't haphazardly decide to box up my time and pack in activities, but I can hang activities from it like ornaments. I always want to come back to my sacred heart.
I feel called to go beyond ordinary. I desire to release shame. I desire freedom of action. I am supported by ever-present God. He gives me what I need to live my purpose. I have what I need now. I don't need to quit my job and try to survive by massage alone. My job is to remain open and aware
This is a journal entry from Monday 9/15/14
I have seen a larger way of being in the world. I was avoiding something yesterday, the way I often do. I wanted to distract myself with video games or sex. I never found out what it was.
It's what happens when I forget everything exists in this moment now. It means learning new habits that allow me to do that more deeply. That feels like it needs to come first, before packing my daily periods with chores. I want to learn how to live in the world from this place. That's what I'm looking for
This is a journal entry from Saturday 9/27/14
Dream:
I landed near a river of lava. It was ashen in color. Every now and then, some bright red glowing spots would be visible. Every now and then someone would ski past, heading down the flow. I don't remember what we were talking about.
I stand up and it was night and there were city lights in the valley below. (It wasn't my fault? The environment?) Then we were in the distant past. The lava was mud. I walked across and saw rectangular areas worked in the fields where enormous paintings were being created. It was raining. It felt like I was in a movie. It must have taken a lot of effort to build this facade. Nothing like it would really exist. There was oriental string music playing
This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/28/14
I have a little motivation right now. Do I dare try to stop the train for meditation? It's often hard to get moving on something. I don't want to break the momentum. But this is also the weekend and I don't want to feel like I'm neglecting my partner.
I need my daily practice. It has been put aside for the past two weeks because of a sore throat, cough, and fevers
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Healing My Relationship with Time
This is a journal entry from Monday 8/4/14
I just had the thought of assisting with Dear Love next year. My partner wanted to go. I could attend again as a participant and would then be his roommate. I don't think I could stay with him if I was assisting. I don't know. Assisting would be a growth experience for me. It would allow me to be there for my partner, but not interfere with his experience.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/9/14
Brené Brown, in Daring Greatly, talks about aspirational versus practiced values and how the gap between them is disengagement. That makes me want to take a closer look at mine.
I value managing time wisely, but in practice, it feels like time is running me over. I don't set the priorities such that I avoid things that are lower priority. I try to do it all. This is one of those perpetual things. I say “no” to some things, but still feel in a perpetual time crunch. This has been a thorn in my side.
This is a journal entry from Friday 8/15/14
This week, my morning practice has been fucked. I had an early 6 AM meeting on Tuesday. Wednesday and Thursday I also went in early. I haven't done my morning ritual since Monday.
I did two sessions with a voice coach. She gave me some habits that can help me project more. It's been funny that it came down to breathing. Breath seems like a way for everything – from the eros of Sacred Intimacy to living a better life in general. It has made me aware of how wound up I make myself. Now I have techniques to help me relax.
Today, I'm grateful for my arm pit hair, my heart beat, and our jasmine plants.
I still have healing to do around my relationship with time, but the world today is naturally wounding in that respect.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/17/14
I can see how shame has influenced my behavior. I can see how I modify my behavior because I don't feel entitled to... what? Have an opinion? Be who I am? Defend my existence? Present myself authentically? Express my energy in the world? Influence the world through my presence?
I have felt broken, that I can't trust myself. But I have the right to exist. I don't need to filter my behavior. There is nothing wrong with me. When will my different halves become one? My childhood personality is the key.
If I say that I don't feel entitled to be who I am, it sounds much like not feeling entitled to exist. Is that what I've been up against.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 8/19/14
I need to slow down. I'm feeling rushed again. My script is to avoid the feeling of being rushed by distracting myself with TV, and with a general feeling of lethargy.
What do I know to do? Accept the feeling of being rushed. Allow it to exist. Don't fight it. Too much time is spent fighting emotions.
I was surprised I didn't do more to clean up the house last night. I'm thinking how I didn't clean up and how I didn't do my daily sign language study. That made me want to go to work early and skip my shower and breakfast.
I don't need to avoid the feeling of being rushed, but I want to shed as much light on it as possible. How I spent my time yesterday, what I got done or didn't, doesn't dictate how I will feel today. Right now, my feeling of being rushed is rooted in yesterday. And I don't want to distract myself from feeling rushed. Checking Facebook or watching TV doesn't do anything except amplify the feeling of being rushed. Only consciousness will do that.
This is a journal entry from Monday 8/25/14
The weekend felt very full and busy, but I'm not sure it was. It feels like it was gone too fast. I miss the days I didn't have a job, although I don't miss having my bank account shrink.
I remember going into my office and seeing the piles of stuff there and losing interest in picking it up. There was plenty more to do. I'd love to be caught up. I was ready for a break, but a break from what?
I have money to do things now. I have vacation time to do them. What is the real purpose I serve? Giving people permission still seems at the crux of it. Am I really a healer? Can I learn how to exist as a healer in the modern world?
I need to heal my relationship with time.
This is a journal entry from Friday 8/29/14
My intention is to heal my relationship with time. What does that mean?
I tend to think I don't have enough time. I imagine doing things and add them to a written or unwritten list of things to accomplish. Then I tend to berate myself for not working on those things.
There are also times I sit with a task and resist it – like cleaning the office. I can sit there telling myself that I need to get it done while I sit and do nothing – or do it while strongly resistant. Maybe it feels like there's too much to do. Maybe it's indecision on how to proceed.
The first problem comes from overcommiting myself. By not setting priorities and letting go of what's less than most important. The second comes from not finding my flow and doing things I'm motivated about while I try to force myself to do something I want to avoid.
Those are the two issues I'm aware of. The first is worsened by a culture of busy-ness, where there's too much to do and too little time to do it. I'm not aware of the wounds that may be causing these issues – if any exist. I don't know how to heal.
I feel encouraged to follow my passion. That feels difficult, because things I thought I was passionate about aren't really my passions? That means I'm free to explore that.
One of the things I want to do is to let go of the feeling of being rushed. I'm worthy of taking as much time as I need.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/30/14
My intention is to heal my relationship with time.
Yes. This is a recurring theme. My basic approach has not changed. I often feel that there's a list of things to do. I'll think of something and put it off because I think something else is more important. My fears keep me shut down. I can't look up and know what to do. I might distract myself with sex, but I don't move forward.
It seems to make sense that if I feel there's never enough time that I need to change my perspective. It doesn't match my beliefs. I believe that I am an eternal being. I believe that the present moment is eternal. I believe that no matter the appearance of imperfection, the world is unfolding perfectly. I have exactly the right amount of time. So how do I need to change how I see the world so that I stop feeling like there's not enough time?
Coming from the perspective of my beliefs and values, how do I see the world? I don't feel like there's enough time, but I know there is. I get stuck on details and lose the big picture.
When I feel rushed...
When I feel I have to do something time consuming...
Then I need to remember the bigger picture.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/31/14
My job is not going to keep me from living my purpose, but it feels like it will. I loved the time I had to work on my own ambitions while I wasn't working, but the income never manifested. What is my purpose?
I see the broken people of the world wreaking havoc on the rest of us, breaking others. Fear causes them to lash out, causes us to lash out. I don't know if I'm here to help them find healing or to help teach people how to heal themselves from their damage. Maybe I just need to find healing and help others do the same.
I still want to do SI work. I want to teach. I want to be a rebel, a revolutionary of peace. I'm part of the underground of physical pleasure. I feel this needs to be accomplished through writing and speaking, and services as an SI where I can hone my knowledge.
This introspection is a needed part of my week. It is not wasting time rehashing things.
I just had the thought of assisting with Dear Love next year. My partner wanted to go. I could attend again as a participant and would then be his roommate. I don't think I could stay with him if I was assisting. I don't know. Assisting would be a growth experience for me. It would allow me to be there for my partner, but not interfere with his experience.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/9/14
Brené Brown, in Daring Greatly, talks about aspirational versus practiced values and how the gap between them is disengagement. That makes me want to take a closer look at mine.
I value managing time wisely, but in practice, it feels like time is running me over. I don't set the priorities such that I avoid things that are lower priority. I try to do it all. This is one of those perpetual things. I say “no” to some things, but still feel in a perpetual time crunch. This has been a thorn in my side.
This is a journal entry from Friday 8/15/14
This week, my morning practice has been fucked. I had an early 6 AM meeting on Tuesday. Wednesday and Thursday I also went in early. I haven't done my morning ritual since Monday.
I did two sessions with a voice coach. She gave me some habits that can help me project more. It's been funny that it came down to breathing. Breath seems like a way for everything – from the eros of Sacred Intimacy to living a better life in general. It has made me aware of how wound up I make myself. Now I have techniques to help me relax.
Today, I'm grateful for my arm pit hair, my heart beat, and our jasmine plants.
I still have healing to do around my relationship with time, but the world today is naturally wounding in that respect.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/17/14
I can see how shame has influenced my behavior. I can see how I modify my behavior because I don't feel entitled to... what? Have an opinion? Be who I am? Defend my existence? Present myself authentically? Express my energy in the world? Influence the world through my presence?
I have felt broken, that I can't trust myself. But I have the right to exist. I don't need to filter my behavior. There is nothing wrong with me. When will my different halves become one? My childhood personality is the key.
If I say that I don't feel entitled to be who I am, it sounds much like not feeling entitled to exist. Is that what I've been up against.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 8/19/14
I need to slow down. I'm feeling rushed again. My script is to avoid the feeling of being rushed by distracting myself with TV, and with a general feeling of lethargy.
What do I know to do? Accept the feeling of being rushed. Allow it to exist. Don't fight it. Too much time is spent fighting emotions.
I was surprised I didn't do more to clean up the house last night. I'm thinking how I didn't clean up and how I didn't do my daily sign language study. That made me want to go to work early and skip my shower and breakfast.
I don't need to avoid the feeling of being rushed, but I want to shed as much light on it as possible. How I spent my time yesterday, what I got done or didn't, doesn't dictate how I will feel today. Right now, my feeling of being rushed is rooted in yesterday. And I don't want to distract myself from feeling rushed. Checking Facebook or watching TV doesn't do anything except amplify the feeling of being rushed. Only consciousness will do that.
This is a journal entry from Monday 8/25/14
The weekend felt very full and busy, but I'm not sure it was. It feels like it was gone too fast. I miss the days I didn't have a job, although I don't miss having my bank account shrink.
I remember going into my office and seeing the piles of stuff there and losing interest in picking it up. There was plenty more to do. I'd love to be caught up. I was ready for a break, but a break from what?
I have money to do things now. I have vacation time to do them. What is the real purpose I serve? Giving people permission still seems at the crux of it. Am I really a healer? Can I learn how to exist as a healer in the modern world?
I need to heal my relationship with time.
This is a journal entry from Friday 8/29/14
My intention is to heal my relationship with time. What does that mean?
I tend to think I don't have enough time. I imagine doing things and add them to a written or unwritten list of things to accomplish. Then I tend to berate myself for not working on those things.
There are also times I sit with a task and resist it – like cleaning the office. I can sit there telling myself that I need to get it done while I sit and do nothing – or do it while strongly resistant. Maybe it feels like there's too much to do. Maybe it's indecision on how to proceed.
The first problem comes from overcommiting myself. By not setting priorities and letting go of what's less than most important. The second comes from not finding my flow and doing things I'm motivated about while I try to force myself to do something I want to avoid.
Those are the two issues I'm aware of. The first is worsened by a culture of busy-ness, where there's too much to do and too little time to do it. I'm not aware of the wounds that may be causing these issues – if any exist. I don't know how to heal.
I feel encouraged to follow my passion. That feels difficult, because things I thought I was passionate about aren't really my passions? That means I'm free to explore that.
One of the things I want to do is to let go of the feeling of being rushed. I'm worthy of taking as much time as I need.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/30/14
My intention is to heal my relationship with time.
Yes. This is a recurring theme. My basic approach has not changed. I often feel that there's a list of things to do. I'll think of something and put it off because I think something else is more important. My fears keep me shut down. I can't look up and know what to do. I might distract myself with sex, but I don't move forward.
It seems to make sense that if I feel there's never enough time that I need to change my perspective. It doesn't match my beliefs. I believe that I am an eternal being. I believe that the present moment is eternal. I believe that no matter the appearance of imperfection, the world is unfolding perfectly. I have exactly the right amount of time. So how do I need to change how I see the world so that I stop feeling like there's not enough time?
Coming from the perspective of my beliefs and values, how do I see the world? I don't feel like there's enough time, but I know there is. I get stuck on details and lose the big picture.
When I feel rushed...
When I feel I have to do something time consuming...
Then I need to remember the bigger picture.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/31/14
My job is not going to keep me from living my purpose, but it feels like it will. I loved the time I had to work on my own ambitions while I wasn't working, but the income never manifested. What is my purpose?
I see the broken people of the world wreaking havoc on the rest of us, breaking others. Fear causes them to lash out, causes us to lash out. I don't know if I'm here to help them find healing or to help teach people how to heal themselves from their damage. Maybe I just need to find healing and help others do the same.
I still want to do SI work. I want to teach. I want to be a rebel, a revolutionary of peace. I'm part of the underground of physical pleasure. I feel this needs to be accomplished through writing and speaking, and services as an SI where I can hone my knowledge.
This introspection is a needed part of my week. It is not wasting time rehashing things.
Monday, September 1, 2014
In the Garden of Life - July Journalling
This is a journal entry from Friday 7/4/14
I'm in the air. My new job is behind me. I left things as best I could. It's odd being able to take vacation so close to my start date. It makes you feel powerful to have a new job. This one does support me better than the last few jobs.
I had worried abut leaving my last job, but I had enough money to support myself and the new job came along before I started eating too much into savings. And this job came along at the right time. I am grateful.
So now I begin this journey that I wasn't sure I would be able to take. What do I want to do? A part of me is learning to embrace my job while maintaining a spiritual program. I know that I am powerful. I want to bring my Dear Love experience of self-acceptance into my daily life.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 7/5/14
The area of healing I decided to focus on was on my general sense of feeling broken. I understand now that that feeling is shame based. I feel just not quite right. I look to the things about myself that don't fit into this culture – self-pleasure, pleasure in general, exhibitionism, feet, promiscuity. I feel distracted by goals that don't really fit like a physics degree or by shortcomings in my line of work as a software developer.
Without the things I love, my life feels dry and empty. Imagine being monogamous and focusing on my software development work... What a waste of life.
I feel that I have something important to contribute – that the world needs people like me. I feel I need to do something big, but I don't think that's for me to decide or worry about. My part is to give myself enough self-acceptance so that I can handle whatever happens.
Two things are bubbling up. How to nurture myself at my current job and take time for my spiritual rituals. And what does my calling look like and what do I need to do to accept that?
I want people to see sex as more than the one-dimensional cliché it's perceived to be. It's not just about getting off. It's not just about erotic pleasure. It is nurturing. We can get better at nourishing ourselves and others with sexuality.
While I don't see how I will do that specifically (masturbation videos, workshops, lectures, books...), I see that I want to be able to express myself without being threatened by opposition. I want to be able to hear opposition without being intimidated. I need to know I'm coming from a place of integrity. I need to be able to believe what I'm saying and feel worthy of saying it.
This is a journal entry from Monday 7/7/14
I felt nervous the other night about the trip. I know it will be challenging. That's what I'm looking for. At the same time, I will be driving my own experience. Where do I want to go? Where do I need to go?
What are the areas of shame in my life? My heritage as the son of a redneck. Backwards. Intolerant. Mean and angry.
My own weakness. Playing with girls' toys growing up.
I felt unable to say what I wanted to say. It got to the point that I didn't want to say anything that anyone might disagree about. Not feeling I could be myself, I stopped trying and forgot how to do that. It's not that I forgot what that was... That can change. I lost how to be myself in the moment. Being forced to talk when I have nothing to say would be as bad as not feeling comfortable talking.
I want to step into my power, but I'm also afraid of stepping into my power. I assume that's shame. Stepping into my power means being open to scrutiny and criticism. I can expect to make mistakes, but I don't want to, not in public.
I want a way to live my life when I get home. I want to be secure financially as I live as a Sacred Intimate. How can I be in this world and not of it? I want to let go of my fight with time. I want to own my life. I'm tired of fighting.
From Monday July the 8th through Sunday July 13th, I attended In the Garden of Life. That experience will not be communicated here. It was intensely personal and transformative. I'm happy to speak with you about it in person, but it will not be shared via the web.
This is a journal entry from Monday 7/14/14
I'm afraid this contraction will be more painful than I have experienced in my past because of the degree to which I permitted myself to expand. Last night, I experienced something that can't be un-experienced. It showed me something fundamentally real about the power of healing that I have open to me when I am expanded. I experienced an elder in our community that has not been honored for his open hearted touch. He shared a wound with a laugh while his eyes showed the pain in this for him.
This contraction may be more painful because I am more aware of how deeply contracted I feel in my day-to-day life. I have constricted myself so severely in the past. I need your encouragement to continue to be the big open-hearted man I am.
I woke up this morning with an absolutely relaxed neck. It felt so cool and relaxed. It reminded me that I take on shame in my day-to-day life that I don't really notice. My neck is a barometer to help me notice it, express it, and let it go.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 7/16/14
This is my second morning back, but it's too early for a regular routine yet. Yesterday, I went to work with 1.5 hours of sleep. Today, there's a meeting at 7 AM and I'd like to go in person. I thought it would be easy to get up at the same time I was getting up at Easton Mountain with 6:30 there being 5:30 here, but I would have been happy to keep sleeping.
I did sit intentionally in the temple for 5 or 10 minutes, but I don't feel there's time for movement or self-touch.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/17/14
I was exhausted yesterday afternoon. I was physically scraping the bottom. Maybe because I have yet to get 8 hours of sleep? And I woke up with a headache.
I have chosen to make my partner my top priority for a while. He is the most important part of my life and he deserves all of me. That means my Yoga of Sex class will not get my full attention for a while, while I focus on sign language and voice coaching.
...
I did a clearing with someone yesterday. After taking the time to make sure I was pronouncing his name correctly, he used my legal name rather than my preferred name. He explained the name he used belonged to someone he used to work with and always went to for help with certain technologies. He was actually complimenting me when he accidentally used the wrong name. I was amazed at how quickly that resolved and left me feeling better.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 7/19/14
I am glad I went to In the Garden instead of Advanced Intimacy Training. I am more free now than before I went. I have released some shame, but I have further to go. I have named my shames as I released them.
Now I'm back at work and struggling. How much of this is shame? I want to pour so much time into work so that I can prove that I belong there. I don't want to let go of the incredible benefits. I want to prove my worth at work. That is probably fucked up. I'm putting so much pressure on myself. Can I name this shame? I am ashamed that I'm not proficient at my job.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/24/14
What am I resisting? I had trouble meditating this morning. I feel tight. I feel like I'm holding back. I feel tired.
I think I need more sleep. Seven hours isn't enough. With HIV, I may need more than average. Is this what I resist?
I can feel myself resisting, but what is it that I'm resisting? My days feel too full. It's not that there's something I need to do that there's not time for. It feels like there are too many things. That's what I resist. That's what I always resist.
How do I lean into that? There is a need to focus on things that are higher priority, but if I assume I can figure those out, what then? I've got as much time as I need to get the things done that will be done.
This is a journal entry from Friday 7/25/14
My dream last night was a giant eye looking up from under the surface of a very shallow are of ocean water. I imagined it was part of a larger dark body floating under the water. I imagined it was an octopus. Then I think we were collecting food to trap it. I self-interpret the eye as representing my unconscious slowly becoming conscious.
Today, during meditation, I was thinking about leaning into my sense of lack of time. It occurred to me that I'm not getting something I need. Maybe it's not one thing that I can schedule time for. The more I schedule time, the less time I feel I have. So now I think I need time to do whatever the hell I want. I'm not talking about time for the gym or time to meditate. I am talking about time to do whatever pops into my head at any given time.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 7/26/14
So, from yesterday's entry, I now I need some time each day for whatever the fuck I want. It's not enough to schedule time for this or that that I think I will want to do at some time. I need to literally give myself permission to have some truly unstructured activity.
This feels important. It's the answer to feeling there's never enough time. How will I remember it going forward? Add it to my healing plan.
I was surprised how important feet were to my growth. I have felt shame over my foot attraction. I can post videos of me with huge dildos in my ass hole, but I'm afraid to tell people I like feet. I have a hard time connecting with it. I'm afraid to share it to start with, but then I'm afraid someone with disgusting feet is going to be offended when I am repulsed by his. My father taught me feet can be horrible. They can emit a stench that is horrific. I'm ashamed that someone might think that's what I'm attracted to.
I don't like toenails that have a fungal infection. I don't like toenails that have yellowed. I don't like foot stench, but I am willing to explore scent. I grew up with conflicting ideas of feet. My father's that were horrible and my neighbor's that were sexy as hell with a dusting of dark hairs on top.
Now, I'm looking for male volunteers to let me massage and explore their feet.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 7/27/14
Coming back from In the Garden, I was absolutely overflowing. I was open and attuned, even in NYC. Now, I feel tired. I want to go masturbate, but more as a way of escaping. TV is another escape. It's time to be present. How can I nourish myself so that I can feel I have enough to spare. I don't know what nourished me while I was there. I don't really know how to feed myself, either.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 7/30/14
I am committed to living in my power and using my voice. I have been feeling drained. My mind is caught up in work. Nothing is bad,but I don't feel balanced.
Maybe I watched too much TV last night. I have more important things to do.
I'm in the air. My new job is behind me. I left things as best I could. It's odd being able to take vacation so close to my start date. It makes you feel powerful to have a new job. This one does support me better than the last few jobs.
I had worried abut leaving my last job, but I had enough money to support myself and the new job came along before I started eating too much into savings. And this job came along at the right time. I am grateful.
So now I begin this journey that I wasn't sure I would be able to take. What do I want to do? A part of me is learning to embrace my job while maintaining a spiritual program. I know that I am powerful. I want to bring my Dear Love experience of self-acceptance into my daily life.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 7/5/14
The area of healing I decided to focus on was on my general sense of feeling broken. I understand now that that feeling is shame based. I feel just not quite right. I look to the things about myself that don't fit into this culture – self-pleasure, pleasure in general, exhibitionism, feet, promiscuity. I feel distracted by goals that don't really fit like a physics degree or by shortcomings in my line of work as a software developer.
Without the things I love, my life feels dry and empty. Imagine being monogamous and focusing on my software development work... What a waste of life.
I feel that I have something important to contribute – that the world needs people like me. I feel I need to do something big, but I don't think that's for me to decide or worry about. My part is to give myself enough self-acceptance so that I can handle whatever happens.
Two things are bubbling up. How to nurture myself at my current job and take time for my spiritual rituals. And what does my calling look like and what do I need to do to accept that?
I want people to see sex as more than the one-dimensional cliché it's perceived to be. It's not just about getting off. It's not just about erotic pleasure. It is nurturing. We can get better at nourishing ourselves and others with sexuality.
While I don't see how I will do that specifically (masturbation videos, workshops, lectures, books...), I see that I want to be able to express myself without being threatened by opposition. I want to be able to hear opposition without being intimidated. I need to know I'm coming from a place of integrity. I need to be able to believe what I'm saying and feel worthy of saying it.
This is a journal entry from Monday 7/7/14
I felt nervous the other night about the trip. I know it will be challenging. That's what I'm looking for. At the same time, I will be driving my own experience. Where do I want to go? Where do I need to go?
What are the areas of shame in my life? My heritage as the son of a redneck. Backwards. Intolerant. Mean and angry.
My own weakness. Playing with girls' toys growing up.
I felt unable to say what I wanted to say. It got to the point that I didn't want to say anything that anyone might disagree about. Not feeling I could be myself, I stopped trying and forgot how to do that. It's not that I forgot what that was... That can change. I lost how to be myself in the moment. Being forced to talk when I have nothing to say would be as bad as not feeling comfortable talking.
I want to step into my power, but I'm also afraid of stepping into my power. I assume that's shame. Stepping into my power means being open to scrutiny and criticism. I can expect to make mistakes, but I don't want to, not in public.
I want a way to live my life when I get home. I want to be secure financially as I live as a Sacred Intimate. How can I be in this world and not of it? I want to let go of my fight with time. I want to own my life. I'm tired of fighting.
From Monday July the 8th through Sunday July 13th, I attended In the Garden of Life. That experience will not be communicated here. It was intensely personal and transformative. I'm happy to speak with you about it in person, but it will not be shared via the web.
This is a journal entry from Monday 7/14/14
I'm afraid this contraction will be more painful than I have experienced in my past because of the degree to which I permitted myself to expand. Last night, I experienced something that can't be un-experienced. It showed me something fundamentally real about the power of healing that I have open to me when I am expanded. I experienced an elder in our community that has not been honored for his open hearted touch. He shared a wound with a laugh while his eyes showed the pain in this for him.
This contraction may be more painful because I am more aware of how deeply contracted I feel in my day-to-day life. I have constricted myself so severely in the past. I need your encouragement to continue to be the big open-hearted man I am.
I woke up this morning with an absolutely relaxed neck. It felt so cool and relaxed. It reminded me that I take on shame in my day-to-day life that I don't really notice. My neck is a barometer to help me notice it, express it, and let it go.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 7/16/14
This is my second morning back, but it's too early for a regular routine yet. Yesterday, I went to work with 1.5 hours of sleep. Today, there's a meeting at 7 AM and I'd like to go in person. I thought it would be easy to get up at the same time I was getting up at Easton Mountain with 6:30 there being 5:30 here, but I would have been happy to keep sleeping.
I did sit intentionally in the temple for 5 or 10 minutes, but I don't feel there's time for movement or self-touch.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/17/14
I was exhausted yesterday afternoon. I was physically scraping the bottom. Maybe because I have yet to get 8 hours of sleep? And I woke up with a headache.
I have chosen to make my partner my top priority for a while. He is the most important part of my life and he deserves all of me. That means my Yoga of Sex class will not get my full attention for a while, while I focus on sign language and voice coaching.
...
I did a clearing with someone yesterday. After taking the time to make sure I was pronouncing his name correctly, he used my legal name rather than my preferred name. He explained the name he used belonged to someone he used to work with and always went to for help with certain technologies. He was actually complimenting me when he accidentally used the wrong name. I was amazed at how quickly that resolved and left me feeling better.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 7/19/14
I am glad I went to In the Garden instead of Advanced Intimacy Training. I am more free now than before I went. I have released some shame, but I have further to go. I have named my shames as I released them.
Now I'm back at work and struggling. How much of this is shame? I want to pour so much time into work so that I can prove that I belong there. I don't want to let go of the incredible benefits. I want to prove my worth at work. That is probably fucked up. I'm putting so much pressure on myself. Can I name this shame? I am ashamed that I'm not proficient at my job.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/24/14
What am I resisting? I had trouble meditating this morning. I feel tight. I feel like I'm holding back. I feel tired.
I think I need more sleep. Seven hours isn't enough. With HIV, I may need more than average. Is this what I resist?
I can feel myself resisting, but what is it that I'm resisting? My days feel too full. It's not that there's something I need to do that there's not time for. It feels like there are too many things. That's what I resist. That's what I always resist.
How do I lean into that? There is a need to focus on things that are higher priority, but if I assume I can figure those out, what then? I've got as much time as I need to get the things done that will be done.
This is a journal entry from Friday 7/25/14
My dream last night was a giant eye looking up from under the surface of a very shallow are of ocean water. I imagined it was part of a larger dark body floating under the water. I imagined it was an octopus. Then I think we were collecting food to trap it. I self-interpret the eye as representing my unconscious slowly becoming conscious.
Today, during meditation, I was thinking about leaning into my sense of lack of time. It occurred to me that I'm not getting something I need. Maybe it's not one thing that I can schedule time for. The more I schedule time, the less time I feel I have. So now I think I need time to do whatever the hell I want. I'm not talking about time for the gym or time to meditate. I am talking about time to do whatever pops into my head at any given time.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 7/26/14
So, from yesterday's entry, I now I need some time each day for whatever the fuck I want. It's not enough to schedule time for this or that that I think I will want to do at some time. I need to literally give myself permission to have some truly unstructured activity.
This feels important. It's the answer to feeling there's never enough time. How will I remember it going forward? Add it to my healing plan.
I was surprised how important feet were to my growth. I have felt shame over my foot attraction. I can post videos of me with huge dildos in my ass hole, but I'm afraid to tell people I like feet. I have a hard time connecting with it. I'm afraid to share it to start with, but then I'm afraid someone with disgusting feet is going to be offended when I am repulsed by his. My father taught me feet can be horrible. They can emit a stench that is horrific. I'm ashamed that someone might think that's what I'm attracted to.
I don't like toenails that have a fungal infection. I don't like toenails that have yellowed. I don't like foot stench, but I am willing to explore scent. I grew up with conflicting ideas of feet. My father's that were horrible and my neighbor's that were sexy as hell with a dusting of dark hairs on top.
Now, I'm looking for male volunteers to let me massage and explore their feet.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 7/27/14
Coming back from In the Garden, I was absolutely overflowing. I was open and attuned, even in NYC. Now, I feel tired. I want to go masturbate, but more as a way of escaping. TV is another escape. It's time to be present. How can I nourish myself so that I can feel I have enough to spare. I don't know what nourished me while I was there. I don't really know how to feed myself, either.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 7/30/14
I am committed to living in my power and using my voice. I have been feeling drained. My mind is caught up in work. Nothing is bad,but I don't feel balanced.
Maybe I watched too much TV last night. I have more important things to do.
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