Has it really been such a long time since my last post. I hope this makes up for it. Things have been busy and my focus is elsewhere
This is a journal entry from Monday 2/24/14
What is the thrust of my week? I choose to continue stepping into my power and living out loud. I want to get good at making myself feel uncomfortable.
I want my app to be a thrust. I want my technology marketing to be a thrust – working on a new blog, doing some networking... However, I also want to nourish the twin part of my soul, my heart. There is a faerie coffee on Saturday. I want to do something to support my Sacred Intimate work. The most important part of finding my balance is going to be finding breathing space.
I need time to let myself be quiet, to let go of all the anxieties and to simply be. I am one being with many aspects. I detest being labeled.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 2/26/14
I'm frustrated. I'm having trouble getting the ads turned on in my app. I've been trying to get it to work since the end of last week. I've downloaded some sample code that seemed to work, but I can't duplicate the results in my app. It's frustrating me.
I'm trying to understand how to move forward. I want to work on it to the exclusion of everything else. I've had enough of it. I want to figure it out. I want to skip the gym and start early. I want to stop taking care of myself until I resolve the problem.
In reality, I know I need to change my perspective. I am not relaxed as I explore the problem. I'm rushed and frantic. This is the attitude that poisons my career. I need to take time to know that I can solve the problem, that money will come to me as I need it.
It's time to step into my power again. Now, I can step into my power and be aware of it.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 2/27/14
I made progress yesterday on getting ads to work in my app. I need to revisit the app and make sure everything is good so that I can get it in the app store. I need to see what I need to change about it first.
I'm low energy right now. I ejaculated this morning before going to the gym for a run. I'm at a between place. My next activity hasn't begun. I'm not motivated to continue, yet.
I step into my power.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 3/1/14
It's already March.
I had dreams this morning. I can't really remember them. One of the involved an ice maker delivery at a resort.
Yesterday, I focused on networking activities. I didn't make as many contacts as I would have liked, but the dry(?) was there most of the time. I attended an early morning networking event and then the job club. When I got home, I was trying to connect with my references to make sure my info was up to date.
I have felt as though there are two parts to me. I have one side that shows itself to family and in my job as a software developer. It is the socially acceptable side of myself? The other part of myself is more authentic, but has aspects I can't share with everyone. It's the part of me that feels at home and natural with the erotic. Its' my pleasure seeking animal nature.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 3/2/14
I can sense a widening of my life, but it's clouded. Joseph Kramer affirmed my ecstatic work, so there may be more video projects in the future. I'm getting my app ready for market. My software development career appears about to resume.
I need to make a conscious decision to step into my power, or else I get stuck in a meaningless to do list. I imagine standing with an orb of light in front of me, and then stepping forward into that light. When I do that, I know what I need to do and I have the power to do it. My power is different than anyone else's. On one hand, my power has an erotic tint. On the other hand, it has a technical understanding coupled with perseverance.
I've never known how to join the erotic to the rest of my life. I have felt that there is negative judgment against those who embody the erotic. We are considered to be shallow, but only because we are put into a limited and shallow box. I also understand intellectually the judgment actually comes from within me. I judge myself and blame it on others.
So I step into my power, which is erotically intellectual, or intellectually erotic.
This is a journal entry from Monday 3/3/14
I'm having trouble sleeping, but there is no specific thing keeping me awake. Joseph Kramer is going to use my latest video on his site. My iPhone app is wrapping up. I'm talking to someone tomorrow about a job with a start-up that is at it's beginning phases. I have a head pain that started two weeks ago. I'm going to LUEY this weekend. Maybe I just got too much sleep last night.
Actually, I'm thinking that I will be pressed for time tomorrow, and that I'm not clear on what to do. What will be my priorities?
I choose to come from a place of power. My life is not a to-do list. I open myself to receive I follow my passion. What is the most empowering thing I can do today? What invigorates me and fills me with passion? This is the moment, now.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 3/5/14
What do I do easily and naturally? Sometimes I tell myself it's sex. I seem to be able to access pleasure more easily in myself. I can follow directions. I journal. I like to bake from scratch. I like taking classes. I understand natural laws very intuitively. I'm good at being alone Nudity. More later.
What do my customers pay me for? I don't have any real customers, per se. The companies I've worked for paid me to design, develop, test, deploy and maintain software. To fix defects. To work as a part of a team. To help produce a product that the company could sell.
My SI clients have paid me for intimate experiences, confidentiality, safety. They trust me. Joseph is paying me because my ecstatic, sensuous state is contagious.
I think my sincerity and dedication are important.
What have others said I'm really good at?
What activities energize me? Speaking in front of people? Having sex, on the web cam. Exploring ideas about reality – philosophy. I've always enjoyed science – computer science, physics. Philosophy. The nature of consciousness.
This is a journal entry from Monday 3/10/14
What do I want this week to be about? I'd like to wrap up my first app, but I need to be able to respond to headhunters. Further, anything I could do with Toastmasters would be good. I want to include porn in my orgasmic yoga in preparation for a video I'm doing for Joseph Kramer.
I need to be able to come from a place of power, whatever I do. That means knowing what I want. Unfortunately, I'm in a sour kind of mood. There's nothing motivating me at this moment. I'm afraid that taking a full time job will end my personal app development and Yoga of Sex study. I need more effective ways to energize myself.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 3/12/14
“Of course...”
This is the thought I had this morning as I was worrying about getting a job and earning money. Of course I have the capacity to support myself. Of course the money will flow. Of course I know what to do. Of course...
It is time for my life to shift. I'm tired. It's time to use intelligence to accomplish more with less effort. I can support myself and never have the need for a full time job again. Of course.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 3/16/14
I imagine that I am special needs, and that I am being cared for by the people in my life. I think “maybe I just imagine that I am living in the world.” Do the people I love take care of me? I imagine that maybe I'm so much slower than everything I know that I don't realize that I'm disabled.
On the other hand, I've imagined everyone in the world as being in on a great conspiracy. Everyone an actor in a great performance, guiding how I live. I imagine that at some point, all will be revealed that I am the center of the world, everyone knowing everything about me and loving me anyway. Would I feel traumatized at the exposure, or would I feel affirmed and validated?
