This is a journal entry from Friday 11/29/13
I am thinking about gratitude. It's hard not to be worried about the future. At the same time, I've been away from work since April and I can still pay my bills. Today, all my needs are met.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 12/5/13
I'd like to earn $1000 per year and save $20k per year maxing out a 401k or other retirement account. I'd like an intensive and vacation each year – maybe 10k per year.
I'd like to work 5 hours a day 4 days a week or 20 hours per week. I'd like 3 free days per week. I'd like 5 vacations a year – 3 short and 2 long. With my free time, I will take classes and learn things deeply, spend time nude sunbathing. Tech classes, erotic classes, science classes, philosophy classes. Reading science fiction. Spiritual and erotic retreats. I like work that has right answers – like software development with time to explore the code. I like work that is deep and meaningful. Joy?
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 12/10/13
I'm having a crisis. I don't want to do this anymore. It's not a lack of confidence, but a feeling that I don't want to make a career of this.
I hit a block today. I feel uncomfortable. It has to do with my thoughts. I can't explain. I don't want to be controversial. I think I'm feeling shame. How can I take care of myself?
I'm picking up clients, slowly and surely. Do I believe in the work I am doing? Yes. There is a need for this kind of work. I believe I have the potential to do this well. I am also afraid of being rejected. I don't know how to express this work to those that see sex as a moral weakness. I know there are those who would judge me because I judge myself.
This is a journal entry from Friday 12/20/13
I remember snippets of a dream. I put a clipboard on the wall next to someone who had been working hard on something. She was exasperated when she saw that I got employee of the month. I explained it was from last month and she'd be getting it for this month.
Maybe in a different dream, my mother was driving somewhere. There were little explosions of gas beneath tire blocks. It was raining with lots of water. I guessed it was pressure from the water making the little explosions. It may have just been a dream telling me to get up and pee. :)
Where do I want to go? Where do I want to end up?
I want to travel: Amsterdam, Hawaii... I want an intensive each year. I want vacations in Palm Springs, Key West and on cruise ships. I want to be comfortable around people.
The last one... I haven't always been comfortable around others. I learned that. I want to be popular for being myself.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 12/21/13
Where do I want to end up? I want to be able to support my partner so that he can find work that makes him happy. I want a house where we can park our camper, have a separate entrance to The Temple. The Temple should be able to support all intentions without needing a separate dungeon. The house should be big enough to have boarders. I still want to be able to travel.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 12/26/13
I'm developing a visualization exercise to help me develop some motivation and some manifestation. This is not the final version:
I am on the stage again. I'm amazed how much I enjoy this. Thousands of people watch me as I open my heart and soul to them. I feel energized and loved. I feel lifted up.
Later, I am at another intensive. Each one I attend teaches me more about myself, opens my heart a little more. I love being of service to the other participants. I love allowing them to serve me. The natural environment is beautiful I weep with joy.
Later, I'm back with my housemates. Sharing expenses makes living very inexpensive. It's a challenge to live together, but there is so much love and growth we share. We are a family. We support each other even when we disagree.
I keep coming back to a greater need for depth. There is such a shallowness in the world and the deeper need for connection is like a malaise. The shallowness. Where is my depth? How do I share that? How do I express it? I feel like there's something I need to do, a different way of being, a complete surrender to my true nature.
This is a journal entry from Friday 12/27/13
I'm still torn about ideas of spirituality. I see the example of Jesus and Buddha who step out with nothing. I feel that that is what god wants from me. But the fact is that I don't know what God has in store for me. Do I have the courage to live my life out loud? That is the crux. That is what I fear.
Living my life out loud could mean being unemployable in the corporate world. That is where any deviation is used to eliminate resumés. If they see me as a pornographer and prostitute, they won't see my technical skills. But I have technical skills. It's time to use them for my own benefit. Maybe that's the lesson for me. Companies have paid me large sums of money to use my skills. Even if I'm not with a company, those skills are still valuable.
That makes me feel electric. Maybe I'm on the right track.
So, what is my mission? Generally, a mission statement is relatively stable, but mine has changed and I'm still not satisfied. My interest in science and technology needs to be represented. My inward focus on consciousness should also be represented as it is the cornerstone of my spirituality. Does sex belong in my mission statement? Maybe it obscures something deeper. Love.
I often find myself rushed and upset. Not very loving. At the same time, I feel myself tearing up at the suffering in the world. I want to slow down and not feel so intolerant of the people I meet. I forget they know suffering.
My mission involves service. I still feel most complete when I serve a leader, when I am a sidekick, faithful companion.
Service, science and technology, spirituality. But more important, deep work that's hard to categorize
.
What is the underlying theme? What is it I do that is so automatic that I can't see it? Anonymous sex. Computer hardware repair. Software development. Bug fixing. Believing in God. Journaling. Thinking.
I have wanted to understand. How the physical world works. How programming works. I have sought to control my world by understanding it. I have made money fixing things that were broken. I could say my mission was to understand the world, but that wouldn't mean anything if that understanding was the end.
My vision has to do with how I am manifesting my mission in the next year. I want to be making money to support my mission of exploration. I want to begin speaking.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 12/29/13
I'm going to continue working on my visualization. Maybe I need several to work from. I want a lot, even though I don't want much. First is authenticity. I don't feel like I'm being true to myself. I still feel like I need to hide who I truly am and maybe that I'm hiding from myself. How do I know when I'm being true to myself? When I can feel safe making mistakes. When I can allow myself to be human. When I can laugh and cry with others. When I can let my guard down.
Imagining being on stage naked giving a lecture to an auditorium with hundreds or thousands of people.
My
Mission is to seek to understand the world so that I can help make it
better.
My vision is to grow my prosperity in support of my mission
through service, to live my life out-loud, to complete my training, and
to teach what I have learned.
