tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-45346473586333083882024-02-18T20:59:22.781-08:00Adults OnlyRex Harley ExperienceRex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.comBlogger95125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-55510752409921512572023-04-12T09:51:00.002-07:002023-04-12T10:31:55.504-07:00 Erotic Community<p>Those who have influenced me the most have some ideas that resonate with me. We live in a world that separates us. Where we once lived with extended family and native groups, such as tribes, now two people come together to make children and grow a family at the most granular level - the nuclear family. Intimacy is focused on two people in particular - and not much beyond that, other than related offspring and parents. Even these tend to live in different households, if not different states or countries.<br /><br />My goal has become to bring together a group of people in my life to form an extended family of choice. The culture doesn't support this ideal. Maybe someday I'll buy some land with a group of people that would become a true community of like minded people. In the meantime, I'm focusing some attention on building an erotic community. Let me describe the first iteration. Every other month, I invite men to my home to share a safe erotic space. My husband and I provide the space and some fruits and nonalcoholic drinks to sustain the activities. We open the doors and people arrive during a half hour window where we have a chance to connect and reconnect. Then we view some educational material. It's not meant to be pornographic, but educational. Most of the videos come from <a href="http://www.yogaofsex.com" target="_blank">www.yogaofsex.com</a>, <a href="http://www.orgasmicyoga.com" target="_blank">www.orgasmicyoga.com</a>, and <a href="http://www.eroticmassage.com" target="_blank">www.eroticmassage.com</a> with such pioneers as Joseph Kramer and Chester Mainard, and many others. After the video, we talk explicitly about what we saw - sharing our own experiences and knowledge. Then we lock the doors and have a few hours to practice what we've learned. Topics have included masturbation, penis massage, anal massage, oral sex, fetishes,... We usually begin with some choreographed experiences before opening up to more general playtime.<br /><br />There's usually a nice turn out. I don't charge, but do offer a place for people to contribute for the food and supplies. My goal is to build a community, not a sex oriented business. As fun and as useful as these events are, I'm still struggling to find how to bring the community to life. How do you get people to invest? It would be wonderful if others hosted the event as well. My personality has been what keeps it going, but I need others to join in to make it a community. I don't know how to do that. I was hoping physical intimacy would lead to emotional intimacy, that the community would become self-sustaining. I haven't found the key. If you have some ideas, join the community and tell me.</p><p> </p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtUpwyuEQqsSqaTm-mxOCnpb0_7pVb4XK6HdW0T68_vRo-nkCUxgkc0fvYRf5fjhIc5_olvAJRbikxU-IKbAKNYVC-Jj3rGDtowKJV92QEdJ5w9ENpCV_M0D-0FvRl1GPz8LOJI8aQSy-z6jwTT9XYv8he791elza-6Qg8Fo3xfH9jARhIElqn_7P1/s800/RexHarley0322.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="533" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtUpwyuEQqsSqaTm-mxOCnpb0_7pVb4XK6HdW0T68_vRo-nkCUxgkc0fvYRf5fjhIc5_olvAJRbikxU-IKbAKNYVC-Jj3rGDtowKJV92QEdJ5w9ENpCV_M0D-0FvRl1GPz8LOJI8aQSy-z6jwTT9XYv8he791elza-6Qg8Fo3xfH9jARhIElqn_7P1/s320/RexHarley0322.jpg" width="213" /></a></div><br /> <p></p>Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-20998886879226260292023-04-01T16:53:00.004-07:002023-04-01T16:53:43.735-07:00Wake Up<p> When I was growing up, I put people in uniform on a pedestal. Police, firemen, soldiers,... They were all "more than" other people. They were more noble and brave and disciplined. They were better than other people.<br /><br />Then I joined the Army National Guard. I became one of those men in uniform. I met many other military men in uniform over the next 10 years. I discovered that they were all just human - like me or anyone else. They were not inherently better or stronger. They were human.<br /><br />I bring this up for two reasons. I was wondering how much we look down on other people who we think of as "less than." If I was putting people on pedestals, are there people who put other groups in the ditch, as not as important as us? I think it has to be so. Hearing about people on the other side of the world suffering from natural disasters or war, how does that relate to me? I have no connection. As for people who come here from other countries, I've worked side by side with them. They are the same as me. Some smarter, some less so. But all are worthy. So in this country, even if you are born here, it's not uncommon to see your group as more valid than other groups, or races. If you never connect with people from Southeast Asia, or even Native Americans, you have nothing to inform you that these people are people just like you... human.<br /><br />And more troubling, if you put some people on pedestals - like police officers, and others in the ditch - like African Americans, it's easier to see a victim of police violence as deserving of that violence. If a policeman wouldn't harm me, then if they do harm someone - it was justified. But for me - there's a difference. If someone is on a pedestal and I consider them "brave," but they shoot an unarmed human because they "feel threatened," then how brave can they possibly be?<br /><br />So my end conclusion is that we need to wake up - to be woke - and put every human we encounter on a level playing field. No more pedestals and ditches. When you meet someone - give them the same right to exist as you. Why is that such a radical idea that it would become a punchline about being "woke?"</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE5Bhze0IKpn_FYkVb5BrBAD-LOmbwHQddAA8lUV0FZAB2JZNaAwMy3aeeffb52dMXrDd2zu3WdO4yYlkva_ld-qH7ZkLfLWNpIA4vGwidNLuMJ3GoGRnVVrDW_Avk4i9mAMwe0R_c3Nx0AY0rZ5iB4Y4oKWn3_Rbn_h3SsESKAsgBo-gKcHaUp-o4/s960/PenisRainbow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE5Bhze0IKpn_FYkVb5BrBAD-LOmbwHQddAA8lUV0FZAB2JZNaAwMy3aeeffb52dMXrDd2zu3WdO4yYlkva_ld-qH7ZkLfLWNpIA4vGwidNLuMJ3GoGRnVVrDW_Avk4i9mAMwe0R_c3Nx0AY0rZ5iB4Y4oKWn3_Rbn_h3SsESKAsgBo-gKcHaUp-o4/s320/PenisRainbow.jpg" width="240" /></a><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE5Bhze0IKpn_FYkVb5BrBAD-LOmbwHQddAA8lUV0FZAB2JZNaAwMy3aeeffb52dMXrDd2zu3WdO4yYlkva_ld-qH7ZkLfLWNpIA4vGwidNLuMJ3GoGRnVVrDW_Avk4i9mAMwe0R_c3Nx0AY0rZ5iB4Y4oKWn3_Rbn_h3SsESKAsgBo-gKcHaUp-o4/s960/PenisRainbow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK5wcJc5O81nNUQ1Vbr5ue-HG_ck8xZKhqsAm5ATYstxwLGx6fheE-dTcSLGCpZFEBr7dg78c5niiS9rOmbcG0QQvjvjMgG3sjT4UiGK7CJ73XoofKfGPJkrroN_cQZdYfahCkBiIwFlB76RCvGMFPuufX_jFs7rz2GbKNA1to-ejgzdztcC9gfX4d/s765/Mark.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK5wcJc5O81nNUQ1Vbr5ue-HG_ck8xZKhqsAm5ATYstxwLGx6fheE-dTcSLGCpZFEBr7dg78c5niiS9rOmbcG0QQvjvjMgG3sjT4UiGK7CJ73XoofKfGPJkrroN_cQZdYfahCkBiIwFlB76RCvGMFPuufX_jFs7rz2GbKNA1to-ejgzdztcC9gfX4d/s765/Mark.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="152" data-original-width="765" height="64" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK5wcJc5O81nNUQ1Vbr5ue-HG_ck8xZKhqsAm5ATYstxwLGx6fheE-dTcSLGCpZFEBr7dg78c5niiS9rOmbcG0QQvjvjMgG3sjT4UiGK7CJ73XoofKfGPJkrroN_cQZdYfahCkBiIwFlB76RCvGMFPuufX_jFs7rz2GbKNA1to-ejgzdztcC9gfX4d/s320/Mark.jpg" width="320" /></a></div></div><br /> <p></p>Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-34304601318038214522023-01-10T15:47:00.001-08:002023-01-10T15:47:38.706-08:00Following Dreams<p> I have an untested theory. I'm playing with the idea of doing what I want until I find a job that will let me do what I want. Or at least find a way to earn money doing what I want.<br /><br />I'm beginning with writing. It actually seems to be helping me sleep better. Maybe I'm moving forward and that gives me some fulfillment. It doesn't really feel like I'm getting stuff out, but that I feel like I'm moving forward again.<br /><br />I'm convinced that my queer spirit gives me connection with the divine. I've perceived different ways of seeing the world – liberal vs. conservative, community vs. individuality, and the need for balance. And fear based religion.<br /><br />I'd really like to just have sex for money, but I seem to do better offering more. I often come back to the idea of being able to have sex for money when I was younger. If I had been able to do sex work in college, if it was legal and didn't run the risk of giving me a criminal record, it would have been ideal. I had so much sex at that time without being paid. I learned so much about sex and erotic desire, and how norm it all was. If I had been able to work toward my degree and be able to earn money through sex work in a safe and supported environment, I would have been in heaven.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF33nVarJ2owF-SxPs0Jz2ubJOXdYDPPq-ahta17bG_NjPlgOyIteOeOXlcGUA1qwCRTFdsKTxJYcIHUZFgKqTFH1licG7MbW7o4myo8FIuieHZgL-GMxRMmP-V7AdAzE85p6V1qYEny4xzpQTbGROjDrIxZUerntf2EFwVfYt4Umhly1JBRrdqbJJ/s800/RexHarley0170.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="533" data-original-width="800" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF33nVarJ2owF-SxPs0Jz2ubJOXdYDPPq-ahta17bG_NjPlgOyIteOeOXlcGUA1qwCRTFdsKTxJYcIHUZFgKqTFH1licG7MbW7o4myo8FIuieHZgL-GMxRMmP-V7AdAzE85p6V1qYEny4xzpQTbGROjDrIxZUerntf2EFwVfYt4Umhly1JBRrdqbJJ/s320/RexHarley0170.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p>Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-81010903082428218542023-01-09T20:00:00.000-08:002023-01-09T20:00:06.078-08:00Religious Fear<p> Usually I think of religion as a means to have faith and release fear. I can recognize that evil has no power over me. Identifying as a Christian, I know that I cannot really be harmed, my life is in God's hands. Even if I die, I am safe in His arms. But that's how my faith works.<br /><br />My perspective is that there are those who claim to be Christian (in fact they claim to be the only “real” Christians) that for some reason need to legally enforce their moral laws on all others of any religion. I can only imagine this is driven from fear. If you truly had Faith, why would you need to enforce it in man's laws. If you believe you have everlasting lift through the Christ who lives in and through you, what do you have to fear? Even death can't touch you.<br /><br />Then there is also the idea of the breadth of God's love. You can believe that all people are God's children, regardless of how they identify God. Or you can believe your specific group is the only one that is chosen and everyone else is damned. Maybe you believe you're the only one and you feel compelled to make other's believe exactly as you do. How crushing is that?<br /><br />I tend to believe in God who has a broad love. He appears different depending on each one who believes, even to the point that he has many manifestations and can seem to be many gods. I don't need anyone else to believe this. It's not my business how you relate to God. Why do others believe they should be able to dictate my faith?<br /><br />Having a Christian basis has been a tough slog for me. Who wants to believe that no matter what you do, you'll burn in hell? “Just don't be gay,” is beyond my ability. I can't say I won't burn in a lake of fire for 1000 years, but I can say that God wants what's best for me. So if 1000 years of fire is how I live my best life, I'm OK with that. If everything ends when I die, I'm fine with that. I'm good no matter what because fear has no place in me because of my faith. I live now and want to help others live now. I don't want to punish people with whom I don't agree. I want everyone to live their best life while we live. That does not depend on faith, color, sex, or sexuality. But I will reserve the right to defend myself from unwarranted attacks. I will not live in fear. I want you to also be free of fear.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL-vw3lcFB-QEcZj4kY1T3D8vuf0Ri_RSnGVEpPPp-l822d0fX57rW7pHQkzZTgJ3u4HFl0YDatdUXpnblmf3g8EtAL9X54RN5LotuJGS_c39KwYADSUG4wFVvgu0Vp8iOm08OunnEyMeXnyP4pwm0fea2HKJbgVHlyfWyYhg0KrPQihhvsR4ZyemN/s960/faerierex.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL-vw3lcFB-QEcZj4kY1T3D8vuf0Ri_RSnGVEpPPp-l822d0fX57rW7pHQkzZTgJ3u4HFl0YDatdUXpnblmf3g8EtAL9X54RN5LotuJGS_c39KwYADSUG4wFVvgu0Vp8iOm08OunnEyMeXnyP4pwm0fea2HKJbgVHlyfWyYhg0KrPQihhvsR4ZyemN/s320/faerierex.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p>Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-90186093685831859462023-01-02T10:51:00.001-08:002023-01-02T10:51:52.122-08:00Liberal / Conservative Divide<p> I once fantasized about writing a book to better understand liberal and conservative views – to help those who hold opposing views to work together. Both perspectives are important.<br /><br />As a basis for political ideology though, it no longer seems practical. They have become polarized. Much of our identity has become differentiating from the opposing political camp. Even those who don't pay attention to politics probably will say “this person is liberal,” or “this person is conservative.” We always see through the lenses of our experience. That seems to supersede politics.<br /><br />From my perspective, the liberal lens is fundamentally “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” Conservatives might consider this a pro-socialism or anti-capitalism. That the way the lens works. Maybe the conservative view is “individual liberty is essential.” My perspective is that it only appears to be true for some, but not others because others can't be trusted. I'm sure if someone was sincerely conservative, they would explain it in a way that I could understand, leaving out where the ideology conflicts with practice. The same could be true of liberal minded people.<br /><br />Ultimately, we need both perspectives. Individual liberty gives me the ability to support the greater good. Since I don't see individual liberty under threat from liberal leaning people, I don't feel the need to defend it at every turn. But since my perspective of the greater good is important to me, I feel my individual liberty is under threat from those who see their individual liberty under siege. The collective good, or commonwealth, is essential for individual liberty.<br /><br />If I say “we need to try to keep weapons out of the hands of mass shooters before they go on a rampage” is heard as “I'm coming for your guns,” no matter how hard I try to be clear, what can I do? I just don't want someone to shoot up a school, or a club, or a mall. That's all. The answer shouldn't be to get more guns on the street. The AR-15 is not an effective weapon for hunting. It damages it's target too much. The meat would not be edible. The carcass would not be suitable for taxidermy. The only reason to have one is fear.<br /><br />Next time (maybe): Religion and Fear</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCAoTPDYUBMpEi__QIAWq3IngUAeWxfyWdT9umVGuFV6PYObsmr4bd3mZSYKCphhCrHnOh53jOfG4LrxZBshW5cSyfSsFmBpEVWM1h3IxslppPmsHfUOkPpzyq0KqXN8SFv1ItYEiUAabgGZEBAR346MCanResE9JANV3JtrA3HWwzaZl2Cxfc39Yd/s960/Folsom_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCAoTPDYUBMpEi__QIAWq3IngUAeWxfyWdT9umVGuFV6PYObsmr4bd3mZSYKCphhCrHnOh53jOfG4LrxZBshW5cSyfSsFmBpEVWM1h3IxslppPmsHfUOkPpzyq0KqXN8SFv1ItYEiUAabgGZEBAR346MCanResE9JANV3JtrA3HWwzaZl2Cxfc39Yd/s320/Folsom_1.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /> <p></p>Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-3400547686035508252022-12-17T07:51:00.003-08:002022-12-17T07:51:57.872-08:00Modern Manifestation of Indigenous Spiritual Practices<p> Friday 11/25/2022<br /><br />Can't sleep since 4 AM<br /><br />Thinking about the character played by Graham Norton in Soul, Moonwind. Living in the gap between the physical and the spiritual worlds.<br /><br />Since before there was “human history,” queer people have been recognized as the healers, shaman, visionaries,... living in both the physical and spiritual worlds. It has only been Western religion that has “cast them out” in a manner of speaking. The secular world doesn't acknowledge the spiritual. So what is the “spiritual world” in secular society? Where do we find meaning? What role do queers fill? Or “Indigo” children, autistic, special needs,.. all of us who exist in multiple worlds?</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1HKV86kKm4XPZBs3REY7mquaYYDOnGAdFXxnWeWatB2zhhamdUr10frYnqjn0nIDCHHHYXn1kV_9GbXHO2l4p4_Srahn01WB4tU7SIXIKz64vaxPfVKRaFVui3gRpaatbMZLc57ncnATqAJU8NE008nR1Q78eyEMrUjWaXt8hRGe0IE01XFQIAhGd/s960/I_AM_REX.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1HKV86kKm4XPZBs3REY7mquaYYDOnGAdFXxnWeWatB2zhhamdUr10frYnqjn0nIDCHHHYXn1kV_9GbXHO2l4p4_Srahn01WB4tU7SIXIKz64vaxPfVKRaFVui3gRpaatbMZLc57ncnATqAJU8NE008nR1Q78eyEMrUjWaXt8hRGe0IE01XFQIAhGd/s320/I_AM_REX.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I want to say “subconscious,” but it may have more to do with subjective experience and objective experience. It could be argued we only exist as a result of consciousness. We only encounter objective reality through math and physics. We believe in solid objects because that's what we perceive, ignoring the dynamic/energetic nature of reality. We “imagine” protons and neutrons are “solid” even though we cannot touch them directly and our experience of “Solid” depends on touching and when we touch, we only experience collections of particles and it depends on electrons repelling each other.<br /><br />So where does that leave us? Being aware of and able to interact with objective reality gives us amazing control of our environment, but we still have our existence in subjective reality. It is the “most real” world we can experience, which causes us to believe it is “objective.”<br /><br />There is the paradox. Queer life today tries to exclude us from “objective” truth, so we (perhaps) go deeper into the “subjective,” which helps us poke holes in the reality of those who confuse their “subjective” reality with “objective” reality, lifting all of us higher.<br /><br />How do queers re-establish our experience in the modern world? Are we “hole pokers.”<br /></p>Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-42727059285486193412020-12-30T13:33:00.005-08:002020-12-30T13:34:43.078-08:00New Objectives<p> As within, so without. As always, As above, so below.<br /><br />There are things happening in the world that trouble me. Maybe the answer is to find peace in meditation. But maybe it also indicates where I need to see better, where I contribute to it, where I need to grow. I need a way to see where I fit.<br /><br />There are also things in my personal life that ares sticking points for me.<br /></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Wanting to clean up an simplify so that closing it out won't be difficult when I transition</li><li>My list of “to do” work</li></ul><p><br />I've been off work for a week and a half, and I haven't moved forward. It's time to wake up. Hindsight is literally 2020.<br /><br /></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>I am worried about </li><ul><li>climate change</li><li>social injustice</li></ul><li>Growing up on Star Trek, I am afraid that </li><ul><li>our species will fail while destroying the ecosystem of the planet</li><li>people are not acting rationally</li></ul><li>We fail each other and penalize our attempts to survive</li><ul><li>emotionally</li><li>physically</li></ul><li>I want to do sex work in peace</li><li>I want to be man and animal</li><li>I want physicality and spirituality to co-exist</li><li>I'm tired of the lack of common sense and self-enrichment</li></ul><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7TMr_KHCW4s85oRVJcRiJO0eOW2qA39T0kb8UD4vsqiOgTQ9tascJgRUtDEL-l2OfqTo5AIl2tz7OUyGOwigwTk7KSPd4YmfkStvH4j1uQin9lJ1jjWSF6cVd3pQOFSE6OrccMCPy92Q/s960/Lingam.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="617" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7TMr_KHCW4s85oRVJcRiJO0eOW2qA39T0kb8UD4vsqiOgTQ9tascJgRUtDEL-l2OfqTo5AIl2tz7OUyGOwigwTk7KSPd4YmfkStvH4j1uQin9lJ1jjWSF6cVd3pQOFSE6OrccMCPy92Q/w462-h617/Lingam.jpg" width="462" /></a></div><br /><p><br /><br /></p>Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-28577464322365617072020-04-04T09:43:00.001-07:002020-04-04T09:43:10.528-07:00Managing RiskI want to talk about probability and statistics. First, there is a non-zero chance you will catch the corona virus. No matter what you do, the chance will never be zero. That doesn't mean you will catch it, but to get to zero, you would have need to be in your bunker back in December – January at the latest.<br /><br />Second, you don't have to make the chance drop to zero and that's OK. There's a good chance your symptoms would be mild if you catch it at all. The odds are in your favor. If you're isolating, it's unlikely you will catch it and if you do a good chance the symptoms will be tolerable. There's a larger chance you will die in a car crash than in an airplane crash,but we don't fly everywhere.<br /><br />There's a good amount of panic and irrational fear of covid 19. Right now, that's working in our favor by making us be more diligent about stopping it's spread. The problem is, you don't have to fear it because of what I've said above. The problem is that there are so many people in this country that a non-zero chance of spreading it plus a non-zero chance of it being severe means it will impact a non-zero number of people, and it will probably be a large number. Even though it isn't likely to harm you or any one person in particular.<br /><br />And this is where empathy comes in. Because the symptoms are so mild, there are larger and larger numbers of people spreading the virus who don't know they're spreading it. Instead of one Typhoid Mary, there are hundreds or thousands of Typhoid Marys (TMs). Unfortunately, some of those (TMs) are of the opinion that their individual rights are infringed if they don't go out and live their lives as if there is no pandemic. There's enough disinformation out there that some TMs don't believe it's real, just a liberal conspiracy to harm one particular politician. Some just think it's hype.<br /><br />So find your middle ground. Don't be a Typhoid Mary. But also don't be a worry wart trying to get the chance of exposure to zero. You only have to reduce the probability. You can get to almost zero just by washing your hands, avoiding touching your face, keeping physical distances, steering clear of crowds, and stay at home as much as possible. If it makes you feel safer to wear a mask, then go ahead. It may not help, but it probably won't hurt.<br /><br />But most importantly, don't go back to your regular activities as soon as things start to look better. That could start the whole cycle over again. I'd wait for the hospitals to recover and/or there's a vaccine. The latter isn't likely until 2021, so do your part in the meantime – confidently.Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-59251445076421334262018-07-18T16:20:00.000-07:002018-07-18T16:20:02.118-07:00Temple Whores<h2 style="text-align: center;">
This is a call!</h2>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">I see a distributed
virtual monastery</span></div>
<ul>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">It's mission is to </span>
</div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Embrace our erotic
bodies</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Treat others with
respect</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Connect with the
divine</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Heal wounds –
erotic and otherwise</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Instead of nuns,
rabbis, priests, imams,... there are Temple Whores</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">It fulfills a modern
need for ancient practices: Shamans, medicine people,...</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">It is not tied to a
physical structure, although we may manifest that someday</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">We open ourselves to
serve men and women to find their divine connection to their bodies</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">We do not fight
anything. We support</span></div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Humanity</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Inclusion</span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Love</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
</li>
</ul>
</ul>
<br /><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-29400224341278481122018-07-05T15:23:00.002-07:002018-07-05T15:23:40.650-07:00Independence (and Perversion)I didn't choose independence as the topic of the day as much as it was presented – the fourth of July.<br />
<br />
But first, a word on yesterday's theme of perversity. It didn't go as planned. I wasn't able to play with the man I was hoping to explore with. I put on a pair of stiletto boots and watched video of double penetration of CIS females and did poppers. I accidentally tripped over the edge of ejaculation. I also had a dental appointment and defrosted a deep freezer. Maybe, for me, actual perversion is not being present and letting a busy life keep me from happiness. I came twice and didn't get what I wanted.<br />
<br />
Back to independence, Today, this word takes the hue of freedom rather than simply “not dependent.” I am independent in that I don't rely on anyone for money, food, or shelter. My independence doesn't prevent me from sharing that burden.<br />
<br />
I am dependent on earning money. Unless you can afford to be a capitalist, so are you. Money keeps most people from being truly independent.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-88269997902166625902018-07-03T13:42:00.001-07:002018-07-03T13:42:11.878-07:00InnocencePeople maybe tend to think of a child with limited experience in the world as innocent. They dis-identify as they cannot be innocent because they are not children. They know how the world works. I think differently because adults aren't much different from children except in how we believe we know how the world works – and is that really any different? Children always think they know more than they do, just like adults.<br />
<br />
So we are all innocent. We are all children thinking we know more than we we do, or children thinking they are not smart enough to keep up with the “real” adults.<br />
<br />
Today, let me express my innocence by being open to direction, to divine inspiration.<br />
<br />
During my intensive, I'd like to begin days as I would at an intensive. Journaling, mediation, movement.<br />
<br />
There's also an idea that children can remain innocent longer if we don't teach them about sexuality and pleasure. Apparently, erotic pleasure is the opposite of innocence. But children still figure things out through experimentation and hearsay, sometimes with unexpected or tragic results. There's a believe we lose our innocence as we learn about the world. But there's a companion definition of innocence – which is simply “not guilty,” blameless. The two get confused, ignorant and blameless. So if children don't know what causes pregnancy, and they become pregnant, they are blameless, or innocent. I guess. The underlying desire is for them not to think about sex, but that's not how people work.<br />
<br />
I am innocent, I am blameless, no matter the depth of my carnal knowledge. Is there a way for a person to lose their innocence? If you do something and then later realize you've hurt someone, you lose some innocence. If you do something you think is right, and realize it's very wrong, innocence suffers.<br />
<br />
So always remain teachable. Learn quickly when you've made a mistake to reduce the harm done.Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-20737437820514476242018-03-01T19:17:00.000-08:002018-03-01T19:20:15.733-08:00I Am Loved<br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
<b style="font-size: x-large;">I sit in front of this Giant Cock, unashamed of my
own touch. My touch draws my life to the surface.</b></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7431"></a>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7442"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7441"></a>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>My feet, not supporting me in this instant, are free
to relax and receive pleasure.</b></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7444"></a>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7427"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7426"></a>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>There is an alter before the cock, my cock. I have
offered a daisy, reflecting my own innocent beauty. My heart and cock
connected, reach out to the Giant Cock, blessing it, being blessed by
it.</b></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7424"></a>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7422"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7421"></a>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>This poem, like my heart: Raw, Naked and Sexual.</b></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7375"></a>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7418"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7417"></a>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>My cock drips. I am ecstatic.</b></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7415"></a>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7411"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7413"></a>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>This is who I am, but I am more. I am more than can
be expressed. I am strong. I am weak. I am hard. I am gentle.</b></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7409"></a>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7407"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7406"></a>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>I feel the power/pleasure in my cock.</b></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7404"></a>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7400"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7402"></a>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>I am not broken. The part that I was told was broken
is the most whole part of me.</b></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7398"></a>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7396"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7395"></a>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>I am loved. I am hated. I am everything in between.</b></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7393"></a>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7387"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="yui_3_15_0_1_1405639433706_7391"></a>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>My hardness has subsided, but it is close at hand. I
have consummated my love for myself and given birth to this poem.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>
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<br />Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-16632104726206447512016-10-29T09:29:00.003-07:002016-10-29T09:29:40.313-07:00(NSFW) Oral Ecstasy - FictionI imagine a hard cock in my mouth. The skin is soft as silk, but it wraps an iron core. My lips on the head of the shaft, sliding down over the head, down the slick shaft until the head touches the back of my throat. He groans in pleasure as I pull my mouth back up so the lips are again resting on the head.<br />
<br />
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<br />
As my mouth again starts back down the shaft of his cock, I wrap my tongue around it, sliding the rough texture of my tongue along his shaft. It doesn't take long before I feel his hips start to sway front-to-back in a slow thrusting motion. I match his frequency. He speeds up a little bit and I keep pace. He never really goes very fast. It doesn't matter. With each thrust of his cock head to the back of my throat, the muscles around his prostate tense and release. This is my objective for getting him to shoot his salty sperm filled semen down my throat. His groans become more rhythmic, his ass contracts, my mouth slides down the shaft and we repeat. I am ecstatic at the pleasure he experiences with me. My cock is throbbing, too.<br />
<br />
He keeps pushing in and out of my mouth as I suck in sync with his thrust. His whole body is involved in this rhythm now. It is his frequency. This is the key to pushing him over the edge. With each stroke, his cock goes a little further down my throat. I know he is getting close. I breath deeply between his strokes as I prepare myself for the final thrust. He gets louder and louder before shouting in ecstasy as he grabs my head and shoves his cock deep down my throat until my nose is on his belly. I feel his cock throb as he pours his cum, is sperm, his jizz down my throat and into my belly. His strokes are shorter now as he stays buried deep and feels my throat swallow the last drips of his essence.<br />
<br />
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<br />
My sense of fulfillment goes deep. He pulls out of my throat and mouth, this orifice of ecstatic pleasure. My breath comes forcefully as I quickly return to my normal breathing pattern, his cum an offering to my stomach. I haven't cum yet, but the head of my cock lays in a puddle of my own seminal fluid, my own pre-cum.<br />
<br />
He gets on his knees to join me and hugs me deeply, kissing me, thrusting his tongue in my mouth as he tastes his own nut juices on my tongue. I begin to have an orgasm at the thought. My body shivers, my body tenses. I still don't ejaculate, but the orgasm is deeply fulfilling and powerful. Tomorrow we will reverse the ritual as he tickles the cum out of my prostate.Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-64134372332887126472016-02-06T10:20:00.002-08:002016-02-06T10:33:41.526-08:00CommunitySo, I'll go back to my passion of living in community with other sacred sex workers, other free men and women. The templates I have are monastery, Easton Mountain, and maybe the Phoenix Temple. I'd like a space to stimulate residents creativity to build community and help heal the world.<br />
<br />
The underlying idea is not to withdraw from the world, but to being a source of healing. So here are some ideas:<br />
<ul>
<li>Build a ritual space/temple</li>
<li>Build small studios for sessions offered by residents who are Sacred Intimates, massage therapists, and sex workers.</li>
<li>Build "tiny houses" with a kitchenette, bathroom, bedroom, and living space for residents.</li>
<li>Build a shared kitchen/dining area for residents to share meals</li>
<li>Build gang showers, bath facilities</li>
<li>Space for farming/gardening.</li>
<li>Build a space we can rent to groups like Body Electric, or that we can use to host healing events and gatherings: Cooking, dining, rooms, gathering places...</li>
</ul>
<br />
Everyone joining us needs to pull their weight – cooking meals, cleaning, maintaining the grounds... Everyone serves. Allow for volunteers.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure how a community ritual space/dining facility will overlap when outside groups host events. Participants need their own containers. Residents need full access.<br />
<br />
I'd like to find a place in central Texas (or some other temperate region with water). It should be near an urban area so that our SI workers can work. It should be close to an urban area that out-of-town visitors can experience the city. It would ideally be convenient to the airport so that out-of-town visitors have easy access.<br />
<br />
I don't know if a group buys land first and builds, or if an existing space exists that can be converted.<br />
<br />
If you have any ideas, leave a message below or on FaceBook: <a href="https://www.facebook.com/Rex-Harley-85447671655/" target="_blank">Rex Harley on FaceBook</a><br />
<br />
Older posts on Community:<br />
<ul>
<li><a href="http://blog.rexharley.com/2012/05/spiritual-sexual-community.html" target="_blank">Spiritual Sexual Community</a></li>
<li><a href="http://blog.rexharley.com/2012/06/invitation.html" target="_blank">An Invitation</a></li>
<li><a href="http://blog.rexharley.com/search/label/Community" target="_blank">Spiritual Sexual Community</a></li>
<li><a href="http://blog.rexharley.com/p/sacred-eros.html" target="_blank">Sacred Eros</a></li>
</ul>
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Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-62140624760818318862016-01-30T09:02:00.001-08:002016-02-06T10:34:04.339-08:00Bottoms are selfishI caught myself saying that "bottoms are selfish." I shouldn't generalize us. As a bottom, I am selfish. I'm focused on my delight at being used as a sexual object. Seeing my top turned on turns me on, so it's a selfishness that serves him well.<br />
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<br />
I love being told what to do in bed. I love my top being in charge. I'll tell you if I don't want to do something or if it hurts. And I delight when my top cares enough about me to find out my kink and encourage me to explore it with him. That's one reason I would be a good sex worker. Tell me what you want. Let me satisfy your desire. I can bottom deeply enough to be a top for a bottom. Accepting money would give my John permission to ask for what he wants, which would turn me on, which would turn him on and give him permission to surrender more to his desire. <br />
<br />
Sacred Intimacy takes more effort because I need to look for the desire behind the desire. What desire is my client trying to satiate that he's afraid to ask for directly? That he's afraid to know he wants? For me to truly help a client, he needs to be able to be vulnerable with me. It may (probably does) take multiple visits to gain my clients trust enough to be vulnerable. 1) Will I keep his secret? 2) Can I take the force of his secret without being hurt? 3) Can I avoid being swallowed up by something that feels like a deep pit in my client? All I can say is that my sessions are confidential. I will not share what I hear as long as he is not a threat to himself or others. I cannot help someone who is suicidal by myself. But I am not afraid of strong emotions. I will not collapse under their weight. You are safe to let me see you cry. I will not tell you what to do or how to fix it, but I will stand with you as you face your demon. I've got your back and I will not break. I know how to be soft.Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-14783141196438640482015-06-13T10:29:00.001-07:002015-06-13T10:29:08.099-07:00CourageI want to write an algorithm to draw money to myself so that I can use that money to benefit others, to fulfill my mission of freeing people from shame of their animals, to become stewards of each other and of life on Earth.<br /><br />That's the key. People in charge do not seem invested in the common good. Not all people are selfish, but there are people who act selfishly. There are people who will not be free out of fear. I want to the courage to live free.<br />
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<br />Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-50423542321951294512015-05-17T12:29:00.001-07:002015-05-17T12:29:12.724-07:00AttitudeI must care for my attitude. I can reiterate my beliefs. I can focus on Truth:<br />
<ul>
<li>I am right where I'm supposed to be, where I need to be.</li>
<li>I don't have to wrestle with life, but I can let it flow.</li>
<li>Everything is perfect just the way it is, despite appearances.</li>
<li>I allow myself to live in a state of grace, aware of my blessings.</li>
</ul>
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<br />What does my life look like in the best possible light:<br />
<ul>
<li>I am loved.</li>
<li>My level of income lets me live in a style that I like.</li>
<li>All my desires are fulfilled.</li>
<li>I am very competent and highly skilled</li>
<li>I pursue solutions until I find them</li>
<li>There is nothing beyond my reach</li>
</ul>
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<br />Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-17213155040810935042014-12-29T11:15:00.003-08:002014-12-29T11:15:47.736-08:00Your Life's Calling: What I've learned so farThe format of this blog is changing. In the recent past, I have been posting journal entries directly to the blog. I have been told that others might get something out of seeing my process. I use my journal to explore my thoughts and feelings. I look at where I am blocked or unhappy. I ask questions that arise and try to answer them. I've decided to move forward from that and begin posting more coherent entries.<br /><br />This post explores the simple idea of your life's calling. This seems like a good topic as we approach the new year, although I don't like setting this time apart as if it was literally an ending and beginning. That, to me, feels like such an artificial construct. In fact, this topic has weighed on me for the past five years, if not much longer.<br /><br />When I first explored this idea in my senior year of high school, it was manifesting as how I would earn money. I had grown up with the archetype of the Star Trek universe. I saw myself as an analytical support for an emotionally intuitive hero: Spock for Kirk. Looking back, part of the allure was being in control of my emotions which were so chaotic during my childhood. Today, I understand that my attraction to that archetype as important. It may yet hold the key to my life's mission.<br /><br />There were some problems in searching for my life's purpose. First is that I was confusing it with a career. How do I make money from my purpose? I took that question and added my love for Spock and ended up with a push into physics. A funny thing happened on the way and I delved into consciousness expanding drugs. I don't know if I ever had a chance at a physics degree, but I had trouble with the math. I could never find a vision of a physics degree that filled me with passion. Nothing took me in the direction of being Spock.<br /><br />The foray did teach me how to think critically, and I picked up software programming relatively easily. I still feel I have a decent understanding of how the physical universe works. And it provided an income that allows me to pay off the debts of my earlier years.<br /><br />My understanding of my mission has changed. I recognized how much I enjoyed sex and how shamelessly I experienced it as a gay man. It took me some time to share my sexual orientation with my family. I still have shame to overcome in the broader culture, but I feel further ahead than so many people I've encountered. I toyed with the idea of doing porn and being a sex worker. My sense of freedom to pursue that has only come to fulfillment after I passed midlife. I am now 49 and feel I have more to offer. Without cultural support, I could not have been prepared any earlier. Even if I had, I would not have the financial stability that gives me that freedom today. That would be a worthy goal of support in itself – giving young adults who share this calling to serve as sex workers safely while furthering their education and long term prosperity.<br /><br />My new sense of purpose and mission is far beyond the idea of career. Now it's focused on sacrificing everything to fulfill my mission. It's not how I can make money from it, but how can I most effectively spend money and energy on it. That is a new concept and hard to anchor in western culture. My mission statement has been getting more clear since I started trying to phrase it. I'm looking for a form that is stable and unchanging, although the way it manifests may change. My mission is to contribute to the survival of life on Earth by giving people permission, understanding, and serving.<br /><br />From my perspective, the key to getting at your purpose is to spend time thinking about it regularly. When you're ready, write it down. If it doesn't feel right later, revise it. Look for the version that is unchanging. There are plenty of books about finding your life's purpose. Consider working with a life coach or a therapist. Don't consider money. What you've done for a living is a clue, but also what feeds your passion. What fills you with passion? Keep looking for that. It's important.Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-85135829336803352922014-11-22T14:20:00.001-08:002014-12-29T15:39:27.365-08:00Time (again), Priorities and Progress: October Journaling I've updated my website. Please take a look and let me know what you think <a href="http://rexharley.com/" target="_blank">http://rexharley.com</a>:<br />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/2/14</b></i><br />
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I would like to change my attitude. There's no reason not to feel good on a regular basis. I have a lot of control over my experience. I'm not trapped at my desk at work. I'm not doing anything that makes me feel remorse.<br />
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I want to make a fundamental change, but why? What will I look like when I do? I am free. I step more and more deeply into my freedom regularly. That counts for something.<br />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/4/14 </b></i><br />
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I'm looking at my priorities. It seems to build my SI business, I should become a certified massage therapist. But before I finished that, I wanted my <a href="http://www.sexologicalbodywork.com/doku.php?id=training">Sexological Bodywork Training</a>. I had put that on hold to focus on my relationship. It's easy to see how those things cascade.<br />
<br />
Part of my vision statement is to complete my training. I was specifically thinking about <a href="http://www.sexologicalbodywork.com/doku.php?id=training">Sexological Bodywork Training</a>, there. What are my real priorities? My relationship. My practice. My prosperity.<br />
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<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/9/14 </b></i><br />
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What's important to me? It's becoming more important to not feel rushed. I'm tired of having too much to do. Since I create my reality, I'm responsible for that. A human lifetime seems so short. I want to do so much that I hate to do anything.<br />
<br />
One time, it might have been fun to be paid for sex. Working in software has been fun, too. A video game has so many constraints and limitations, but writing actual software is very unlimited. It is a creative process, but it's not treated like art. It's treated like an engineering project.<br />
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What is important?<br />
<br />
My partner is important. Sign language is important because of my partner. Prosperity is important because of the freedom it offers. Overcoming my fears and shames is important because of the freedom it offers. My spiritual practice is important because of the freedom it offers. What is mine to give to the world? What am I here to express? Expressing myself is important because I fear it. It makes me vulnerable. I must be vulnerable in a world where that is not safe.<br />
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<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/11/14</b></i><br />
<br />
<u><b>Palm Springs - Healthy Friction </b></u><br />
<br />
I'm feeling a little off today. Yesterday, too. Maybe it was the poppers.<br />
<br />
One of the nice things about this event is that everyone has permission for self pleasure. It's a short leap to pleasure someone else or to be pleasured. With all the erections, it feels like I need to have one to keep up. How many are supported by Viagra/Cialis? I like to raise my energy and accept my penis without an erection. I haven't been feeling fully at ease. I would like to know what that's teaching me. Maybe it's because I came twice yesterday.<br />
<br />
I sense that I want to simplify my life more, but that's so I won't feel so rushed. I don't know. I have glimpsed the magic of the world I live in, how the world I experience is within me. I want more of that world of magic. So simplifying may not be my real goal. The real goal is to step into my power.<br />
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There's a sense that I get busy going from one thing to the next, that I'm always on. That's what I want to turn off. I don't want to feel like I'm too busy to live. So how do I step into my power and stop doing?<br />
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<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Sunday 10/12/14 </b></i><br />
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Yes, I want some ritual in my life. I also want to release the feeling I'm always doing something that takes me away from what I want/need to be doing. I want to tie into myself better. What I want to do is to live my life so that when the day is over, I don't feel that I ran out of time before getting to what I wanted to do. I don't want to feel like I'm missing my life.<br />
<br />
Chop wood. Carry water.<br />
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One factor is second guessing myself, deciding to do whatever I do and then regretting what I didn't do. Did I choose to do the right thing?<br />
<br />
I feel like I'm trying to guess what I want to do. What I need to do. Like I don't actually know. I'm getting to know myself.<br />
<br />
I feel like I want to work for myself, like I'm tired of working for someone else. Like working for someone else is taking me away from my mission, even if working for someone else gives me resources to do things I want to do.<br />
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I feel that there is a way to be where everything flows and my will is the Universal will. How do I find where that is?<br />
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<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/18/14</b></i><br />
<br />
I'm still very angry. I always get angry when someone get's angry with me. Maybe not always, but it is a pattern. I suppose the details aren't important. I was teasing a friend. Apparently it was bothering him more than I realized. He was perceiving something that I don't believe was true and was not in keeping my personality. I want to lash out, but I'll wait until I am in a more loving space.<br />
<br />
Last night, I had some very erotic dreams. I remember sucking on a dildo covered in Crisco. I remember feeling acceptance when I expected judgment.<br />
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<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Monday 10/21/14 </b></i><br />
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I've been feeling bitter. I feel trapped. Someone I thought was a friend hurt me. There is pressure at work.<br />
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At the same time, I must recognize that I am creating this. I've seen others maintain good attitudes in difficult situations. My attitude is off. When my attitude is right, my life falls into place.<br />
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<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Friday 10/24/14</b></i> <br />
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I've been touching myself a lot this week. I don't think I've ejaculated since 10/13 - 12 days ago. I've done some meditating almost every morning. When I start self-pleasuring, I don't want to stop. I get so so hard. I love it.<br />
<br />
Healing my relationship with time is my focus. I need to stop giving myself so much to do that I am perpetually frustrated. But there's so much I want to do. What do I really want to do and what do other people want me to do that I think are my desires? How much does shame drive my need to do more? How do I live in the moment? My energy is dissipated when I live over a span of time instead of in the moment.<br />
<br />
And finally, I need to clear with someone who hurt me who thinks I hurt him. I can't do that from anger.<br />
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<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/25/14</b></i><br />
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Today, we will do more work on the St. Andrew's Cross. Maybe I'll get more things off my to do list.<br />
<br />
My intention remains to heal my relationship with time. I need to understand what that means. 1) at work, I feel that I'm being kept from doing the things important to me - living my mission. 2) In general, I feel like there are too many things to do that keep me from getting to what I really want to do.<br />
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Maybe if I can figure out what I'm not getting, I can start to make room for it.<br />
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<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/30/14 </b></i><br />
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I need to make time to be timeless. I need time to sit and be aware of the eternal nature of time, to break free of the cells of time - like hours, days, and weeks. Awareness of time is great for planning and connecting, but it's no way to live.<br />
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<hr noshade="noshade" />
Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-60089645819574356832014-11-11T05:49:00.002-08:002014-11-11T05:49:48.386-08:00September Journal: Time and Motivation<i><b>This is a journal entry from Tuesday 9/2/14</b></i><br />
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I have thought about what I didn't get done this weekend, which is typical. I didn't focus on what I did. Yesterday felt very unproductive and that was by design, but I still posted my July journal entries. And I sat in front of a web cam. I never did drum up any new business. The <a href="http://www.xtube.com/amateur_channels/amateur.php?u=SacredIntimate" target="_blank">x-tube</a> web cams didn't support me.<br />
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I want to help heal the world. I don't want to be tied to corporate work. I had a plan. My plan involved writing and video and teaching people to embrace their sensuality in ways that honor Spirit and harm no one.<br />
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I mostly want to be able to get above the details so that I can remember the big picture.<br />
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<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/7/14</b></i><br />
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“Have the courage to live in the world you create.” This is the thought that developed in yesterday's session. My intention was to heal my relationship with time. What came out of that was finding things to be grateful for at work. I came home from work unmotivated and exhausted. It would be good to find more nourishing ways of recovering after work – maybe by offering sessions.<br />
<br />
So it comes back to the search for clients. There are people who need what I offer. How do I connect with them? How do I convince someone that I can help them and am worth the money? There are people who could use my help, but think they can do it on their own. And they can, but I can be a great facilitator.<br />
<br />
It came to mind how fortunate it is that my experience of the world is expanding. I can see that I live in a world of muggles who keep themselves trapped in conformity in a changing world, but that's not true because we're all wizards. Still, shame keeps us trapped.<br />
<br />
I can see now that I can only t each what people are ready to hear. I am continuing to free myself. My mission is to give people permission. The world seems very dysfunctional. While most people just want to live a quiet life, others are killing over ideologies being led by people interested only in power. I'm interested in teaching people that the world is much more vast. We literally create our own experience. I live in a world where I know the erotic is a God given, life affirming gift. That puts me at odds with many who feel that sex is a shameful necessity or that it's only good if it is couched in spirituality. I see it as all good as long as it is consensual. It can bring new life to anything it is mixed with. It is a powerful healing tool and the source of creativity<br />
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<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Friday 9/12/14</b></i><br />
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The world is bigger and more profound than I typically realize. It's time to start living that way. My life is sacred. There's a desire to start on firm footing, and that is it. I can't haphazardly decide to box up my time and pack in activities, but I can hang activities from it like ornaments. I always want to come back to my sacred heart.<br />
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I feel called to go beyond ordinary. I desire to release shame. I desire freedom of action. I am supported by ever-present God. He gives me what I need to live my purpose. I have what I need now. I don't need to quit my job and try to survive by massage alone. My job is to remain open and aware<br />
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<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Monday 9/15/14</b></i><br />
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I have seen a larger way of being in the world. I was avoiding something yesterday, the way I often do. I wanted to distract myself with video games or sex. I never found out what it was.<br />
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It's what happens when I forget everything exists in this moment now. It means learning new habits that allow me to do that more deeply. That feels like it needs to come first, before packing my daily periods with chores. I want to learn how to live in the world from this place. That's what I'm looking for<br />
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<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Saturday 9/27/14</b></i><br />
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<b>Dream</b>:<br />
<br />
I landed near a river of lava. It was ashen in color. Every now and then, some bright red glowing spots would be visible. Every now and then someone would ski past, heading down the flow. I don't remember what we were talking about.<br />
<br />
I stand up and it was night and there were city lights in the valley below. (It wasn't my fault? The environment?) Then we were in the distant past. The lava was mud. I walked across and saw rectangular areas worked in the fields where enormous paintings were being created. It was raining. It felt like I was in a movie. It must have taken a lot of effort to build this facade. Nothing like it would really exist. There was oriental string music playing<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
<br />
<i><b>This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/28/14</b></i><br />
<br />
I have a little motivation right now. Do I dare try to stop the train for meditation? It's often hard to get moving on something. I don't want to break the momentum. But this is also the weekend and I don't want to feel like I'm neglecting my partner.<br />
<br />
I need my daily practice. It has been put aside for the past two weeks because of a sore throat, cough, and fevers<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-38369374426880983362014-10-04T06:45:00.000-07:002014-10-04T06:45:23.078-07:00Healing My Relationship with Time<i><b>This is a journal entry from Monday 8/4/14</b></i><br />
<br />
I just had the thought of assisting with <a href="http://www.thebodyelectricschool.com/mens-intermediate/dear-love-of-comrades/" target="_blank">Dear Love</a> next year. My partner wanted to go. I could attend again as a participant and would then be his roommate. I don't think I could stay with him if I was assisting. I don't know. Assisting would be a growth experience for me. It would allow me to be there for my partner, but not interfere with his experience.<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
<br />
<i><b>This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/9/14</b></i><br />
<br />
Brené Brown, in Daring Greatly, talks about aspirational versus practiced values and how the gap between them is disengagement. That makes me want to take a closer look at mine.<br />
<br />
I value managing time wisely, but in practice, it feels like time is running me over. I don't set the priorities such that I avoid things that are lower priority. I try to do it all. This is one of those perpetual things. I say “no” to some things, but still feel in a perpetual time crunch. This has been a thorn in my side.<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Friday 8/15/14</b></i><br />
<br />
This week, my morning practice has been fucked. I had an early 6 AM meeting on Tuesday. Wednesday and Thursday I also went in early. I haven't done my morning ritual since Monday.<br />
<br />
I did two sessions with a voice coach. She gave me some habits that can help me project more. It's been funny that it came down to breathing. Breath seems like a way for everything – from the eros of Sacred Intimacy to living a better life in general. It has made me aware of how wound up I make myself. Now I have techniques to help me relax.<br />
<br />
Today, I'm grateful for my arm pit hair, my heart beat, and our jasmine plants.<br />
<br />
I still have healing to do around my relationship with time, but the world today is naturally wounding in that respect.<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/17/14</b></i><br />
<br />
I can see how shame has influenced my behavior. I can see how I modify my behavior because I don't feel entitled to... what? Have an opinion? Be who I am? Defend my existence? Present myself authentically? Express my energy in the world? Influence the world through my presence?<br />
<br />
I have felt broken, that I can't trust myself. But I have the right to exist. I don't need to filter my behavior. There is nothing wrong with me. When will my different halves become one? My childhood personality is the key.<br />
<br />
If I say that I don't feel entitled to be who I am, it sounds much like not feeling entitled to exist. Is that what I've been up against.<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Tuesday 8/19/14</b></i><br />
<br />
I need to slow down. I'm feeling rushed again. My script is to avoid the feeling of being rushed by distracting myself with TV, and with a general feeling of lethargy.<br />
<br />
What do I know to do? Accept the feeling of being rushed. Allow it to exist. Don't fight it. Too much time is spent fighting emotions.<br />
<br />
I was surprised I didn't do more to clean up the house last night. I'm thinking how I didn't clean up and how I didn't do my daily sign language study. That made me want to go to work early and skip my shower and breakfast.<br />
<br />
I don't need to avoid the feeling of being rushed, but I want to shed as much light on it as possible. How I spent my time yesterday, what I got done or didn't, doesn't dictate how I will feel today. Right now, my feeling of being rushed is rooted in yesterday. And I don't want to distract myself from feeling rushed. Checking Facebook or watching TV doesn't do anything except amplify the feeling of being rushed. Only consciousness will do that.<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Monday 8/25/14</b></i><br />
<br />
The weekend felt very full and busy, but I'm not sure it was. It feels like it was gone too fast. I miss the days I didn't have a job, although I don't miss having my bank account shrink.<br />
<br />
I remember going into my office and seeing the piles of stuff there and losing interest in picking it up. There was plenty more to do. I'd love to be caught up. I was ready for a break, but a break from what?<br />
<br />
I have money to do things now. I have vacation time to do them. What is the real purpose I serve? Giving people permission still seems at the crux of it. Am I really a healer? Can I learn how to exist as a healer in the modern world?<br />
<br />
I need to heal my relationship with time.<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Friday 8/29/14</b></i><br />
<br />
My intention is to heal my relationship with time. What does that mean?<br />
<br />
I tend to think I don't have enough time. I imagine doing things and add them to a written or unwritten list of things to accomplish. Then I tend to berate myself for not working on those things.<br />
<br />
There are also times I sit with a task and resist it – like cleaning the office. I can sit there telling myself that I need to get it done while I sit and do nothing – or do it while strongly resistant. Maybe it feels like there's too much to do. Maybe it's indecision on how to proceed.<br />
<br />
The first problem comes from overcommiting myself. By not setting priorities and letting go of what's less than most important. The second comes from not finding my flow and doing things I'm motivated about while I try to force myself to do something I want to avoid.<br />
<br />
Those are the two issues I'm aware of. The first is worsened by a culture of busy-ness, where there's too much to do and too little time to do it. I'm not aware of the wounds that may be causing these issues – if any exist. I don't know how to heal.<br />
<br />
I feel encouraged to follow my passion. That feels difficult, because things I thought I was passionate about aren't really my passions? That means I'm free to explore that.<br />
<br />
One of the things I want to do is to let go of the feeling of being rushed. I'm worthy of taking as much time as I need.<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/30/14</b></i><br />
<br />
My intention is to heal my relationship with time.<br />
<br />
Yes. This is a recurring theme. My basic approach has not changed. I often feel that there's a list of things to do. I'll think of something and put it off because I think something else is more important. My fears keep me shut down. I can't look up and know what to do. I might distract myself with sex, but I don't move forward.<br />
<br />
It seems to make sense that if I feel there's never enough time that I need to change my perspective. It doesn't match my beliefs. I believe that I am an eternal being. I believe that the present moment is eternal. I believe that no matter the appearance of imperfection, the world is unfolding perfectly. I have exactly the right amount of time. So how do I need to change how I see the world so that I stop feeling like there's not enough time?<br />
<br />
Coming from the perspective of my beliefs and values, how do I see the world? I don't feel like there's enough time, but I know there is. I get stuck on details and lose the big picture.<br />
<br />
When I feel rushed...<br />
<br />
When I feel I have to do something time consuming...<br />
<br />
Then I need to remember the bigger picture.<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/31/14</b></i><br />
<br />
My job is not going to keep me from living my purpose, but it feels like it will. I loved the time I had to work on my own ambitions while I wasn't working, but the income never manifested. What is my purpose?<br />
<br />
I see the broken people of the world wreaking havoc on the rest of us, breaking others. Fear causes them to lash out, causes us to lash out. I don't know if I'm here to help them find healing or to help teach people how to heal themselves from their damage. Maybe I just need to find healing and help others do the same.<br />
<br />
I still want to do <a href="http://rexharley.com/" target="_blank">SI work</a>. I want to teach. I want to be a rebel, a revolutionary of peace. I'm part of the underground of physical pleasure. I feel this needs to be accomplished through writing and speaking, and services as an <a href="http://rexharley.com/" target="_blank">SI</a> where I can hone my knowledge.<br />
<br />
This introspection is a needed part of my week. It is not wasting time rehashing things.<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-44469808413648787492014-09-01T14:51:00.002-07:002014-09-01T14:51:41.613-07:00In the Garden of Life - July Journalling<i><b>This is a journal entry from Friday 7/4/14</b></i><br />
<br />
I'm in the air. My new job is behind me. I left things as best I could. It's odd being able to take vacation so close to my start date. It makes you feel powerful to have a new job. This one does support me better than the last few jobs.<br />
<br />
I had worried abut leaving my last job, but I had enough money to support myself and the new job came along before I started eating too much into savings. And this job came along at the right time. I am grateful.<br />
<br />
So now I begin this journey that I wasn't sure I would be able to take. What do I want to do? A part of me is learning to embrace my job while maintaining a spiritual program. I know that I am powerful. I want to bring my <a href="http://www.thebodyelectricschool.com/mens-intermediate/dear-love-of-comrades/" target="_blank">Dear Love</a> experience of self-acceptance into my daily life.<br />
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<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Saturday 7/5/14</b></i><br />
<br />
The area of healing I decided to focus on was on my general sense of feeling broken. I understand now that that feeling is shame based. I feel just not quite right. I look to the things about myself that don't fit into this culture – self-pleasure, pleasure in general, exhibitionism, feet, promiscuity. I feel distracted by goals that don't really fit like a physics degree or by shortcomings in my line of work as a software developer.<br />
<br />
Without the things I love, my life feels dry and empty. Imagine being monogamous and focusing on my software development work... What a waste of life.<br />
<br />
I feel that I have something important to contribute – that the world needs people like me. I feel I need to do something big, but I don't think that's for me to decide or worry about. My part is to give myself enough self-acceptance so that I can handle whatever happens.<br />
<br />
Two things are bubbling up. How to nurture myself at my current job and take time for my spiritual rituals. And what does my calling look like and what do I need to do to accept that?<br />
<br />
I want people to see sex as more than the one-dimensional cliché it's perceived to be. It's not just about getting off. It's not just about erotic pleasure. It is nurturing. We can get better at nourishing ourselves and others with sexuality.<br />
<br />
While I don't see how I will do that specifically (masturbation videos, workshops, lectures, books...), I see that I want to be able to express myself without being threatened by opposition. I want to be able to hear opposition without being intimidated. I need to know I'm coming from a place of integrity. I need to be able to believe what I'm saying and feel worthy of saying it.<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
<br />
<i><b>This is a journal entry from Monday 7/7/14</b></i><br />
<br />
I felt nervous the other night about the trip. I know it will be challenging. That's what I'm looking for. At the same time, I will be driving my own experience. Where do I want to go? Where do I need to go?<br />
<br />
What are the areas of shame in my life? My heritage as the son of a redneck. Backwards. Intolerant. Mean and angry.<br />
<br />
My own weakness. Playing with girls' toys growing up.<br />
<br />
I felt unable to say what I wanted to say. It got to the point that I didn't want to say anything that anyone might disagree about. Not feeling I could be myself, I stopped trying and forgot how to do that. It's not that I forgot what that was... That can change. I lost how to be myself in the moment. Being forced to talk when I have nothing to say would be as bad as not feeling comfortable talking.<br />
<br />
I want to step into my power, but I'm also afraid of stepping into my power. I assume that's shame. Stepping into my power means being open to scrutiny and criticism. I can expect to make mistakes, but I don't want to, not in public.<br />
<br />
I want a way to live my life when I get home. I want to be secure financially as I live as a Sacred Intimate. How can I be in this world and not of it? I want to let go of my fight with time. I want to own my life. I'm tired of fighting.<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
<br />
<i><b>From Monday July the 8th through Sunday July 13th, I attended <a href="http://www.thebodyelectricschool.com/mens-intermediate/in-the-garden-of-life/" target="_blank">In the Garden of Life</a>. That experience will not be communicated here. It was intensely personal and transformative. I'm happy to speak with you about it in person, but it will not be shared via the web. </b></i><br />
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<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Monday 7/14/14</b></i><br />
<br />
I'm afraid this contraction will be more painful than I have experienced in my past because of the degree to which I permitted myself to expand. Last night, I experienced something that can't be un-experienced. It showed me something fundamentally real about the power of healing that I have open to me when I am expanded. I experienced an elder in our community that has not been honored for his open hearted touch. He shared a wound with a laugh while his eyes showed the pain in this for him.<br />
<br />
This contraction may be more painful because I am more aware of how deeply contracted I feel in my day-to-day life. I have constricted myself so severely in the past. I need your encouragement to continue to be the big open-hearted man I am.<br />
<br />
I woke up this morning with an absolutely relaxed neck. It felt so cool and relaxed. It reminded me that I take on shame in my day-to-day life that I don't really notice. My neck is a barometer to help me notice it, express it, and let it go.<br />
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<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Wednesday 7/16/14</b></i><br />
<br />
This is my second morning back, but it's too early for a regular routine yet. Yesterday, I went to work with 1.5 hours of sleep. Today, there's a meeting at 7 AM and I'd like to go in person. I thought it would be easy to get up at the same time I was getting up at Easton Mountain with 6:30 there being 5:30 here, but I would have been happy to keep sleeping.<br />
<br />
I did sit intentionally in the temple for 5 or 10 minutes, but I don't feel there's time for movement or self-touch.<br />
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<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/17/14</b></i><br />
<br />
I was exhausted yesterday afternoon. I was physically scraping the bottom. Maybe because I have yet to get 8 hours of sleep? And I woke up with a headache.<br />
<br />
I have chosen to make my partner my top priority for a while. He is the most important part of my life and he deserves all of me. That means my <a href="http://www.eroticmassage.com/class/Yoga_of_Sex" target="_blank">Yoga of Sex</a> class will not get my full attention for a while, while I focus on sign language and voice coaching.<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
I did a clearing with someone yesterday. After taking the time to make sure I was pronouncing his name correctly, he used my legal name rather than my preferred name. He explained the name he used belonged to someone he used to work with and always went to for help with certain technologies. He was actually complimenting me when he accidentally used the wrong name. I was amazed at how quickly that resolved and left me feeling better.<br />
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<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Sunday 7/19/14</b></i><br />
<br />
I am glad I went to <a href="http://www.thebodyelectricschool.com/mens-intermediate/in-the-garden-of-life/" target="_blank">In the Garden</a> instead of Advanced Intimacy Training. I am more free now than before I went. I have released some shame, but I have further to go. I have named my shames as I released them.<br />
<br />
Now I'm back at work and struggling. How much of this is shame? I want to pour so much time into work so that I can prove that I belong there. I don't want to let go of the incredible benefits. I want to prove my worth at work. That is probably fucked up. I'm putting so much pressure on myself. Can I name this shame? I am ashamed that I'm not proficient at my job.<br />
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<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/24/14</b></i><br />
<br />
What am I resisting? I had trouble meditating this morning. I feel tight. I feel like I'm holding back. I feel tired.<br />
<br />
I think I need more sleep. Seven hours isn't enough. With HIV, I may need more than average. Is this what I resist?<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
<br />
I can feel myself resisting, but what is it that I'm resisting? My days feel too full. It's not that there's something I need to do that there's not time for. It feels like there are too many things. That's what I resist. That's what I always resist.<br />
<br />
How do I lean into that? There is a need to focus on things that are higher priority, but if I assume I can figure those out, what then? I've got as much time as I need to get the things done that will be done.<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Friday 7/25/14</b></i><br />
<br />
My dream last night was a giant eye looking up from under the surface of a very shallow are of ocean water. I imagined it was part of a larger dark body floating under the water. I imagined it was an octopus. Then I think we were collecting food to trap it. I self-interpret the eye as representing my unconscious slowly becoming conscious.<br />
<br />
Today, during meditation, I was thinking about leaning into my sense of lack of time. It occurred to me that I'm not getting something I need. Maybe it's not one thing that I can schedule time for. The more I schedule time, the less time I feel I have. So now I think I need time to do whatever the hell I want. I'm not talking about time for the gym or time to meditate. I am talking about time to do whatever pops into my head at any given time.<br />
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<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Saturday 7/26/14</b></i><br />
<br />
So, from yesterday's entry, I now I need some time each day for whatever the fuck I want. It's not enough to schedule time for this or that that I think I will want to do at some time. I need to literally give myself permission to have some truly unstructured activity.<br />
<br />
This feels important. It's the answer to feeling there's never enough time. How will I remember it going forward? Add it to my healing plan.<br />
<br />
I was surprised how important feet were to my growth. I have felt shame over my foot attraction. I can post videos of me with huge dildos in my ass hole, but I'm afraid to tell people I like feet. I have a hard time connecting with it. I'm afraid to share it to start with, but then I'm afraid someone with disgusting feet is going to be offended when I am repulsed by his. My father taught me feet can be horrible. They can emit a stench that is horrific. I'm ashamed that someone might think that's what I'm attracted to.<br />
<br />
I don't like toenails that have a fungal infection. I don't like toenails that have yellowed. I don't like foot stench, but I am willing to explore scent. I grew up with conflicting ideas of feet. My father's that were horrible and my neighbor's that were sexy as hell with a dusting of dark hairs on top.<br />
<br />
Now, I'm looking for male volunteers to let me massage and explore their feet.<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Sunday 7/27/14</b></i><br />
<br />
Coming back from <a href="http://www.thebodyelectricschool.com/mens-intermediate/in-the-garden-of-life/" target="_blank">In the Garden</a>, I was absolutely overflowing. I was open and attuned, even in NYC. Now, I feel tired. I want to go masturbate, but more as a way of escaping. TV is another escape. It's time to be present. How can I nourish myself so that I can feel I have enough to spare. I don't know what nourished me while I was there. I don't really know how to feed myself, either.<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Wednesday 7/30/14</b></i><br />
<br />
I am committed to living in my power and using my voice. I have been feeling drained. My mind is caught up in work. Nothing is bad,but I don't feel balanced.<br />
<br />
Maybe I watched too much TV last night. I have more important things to do.<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-49630216739641535472014-08-03T07:54:00.003-07:002014-08-03T07:54:39.088-07:00Preparing for In the GardenPreparing for <a href="http://www.thebodyelectricschool.com/mens-intermediate/in-the-garden-of-life/" target="_blank">In the Garden of Life</a><br />
<i><b> </b></i><br />
<i><b>This is a journal entry from Sunday 6/7/14</b></i><br />
<br />
The specific healing I am seeking... I feel like there's a block on my ability to relax with other people? I feel uptight. I don't feel comfortable laughing or crying. I don't like how I have to figure out what I feel based on context.<br />
<br />
I feel like I have so much healing to be done. I'm afraid of people I don't know. If I am so badly damaged, why can't I figure out what that damage is? Why do I think I'm broken?<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Monday 6/16/14</b></i><br />
<br />
I'm mostly prepared for <a href="http://www.thebodyelectricschool.com/mens-intermediate/in-the-garden-of-life/" target="_blank">In the Garden of Life</a>. I'm beginning my 4th week at my new job. I'm still trying to integrate. I didn't have enough time when I wasn't working. I have less now. It's more imperative to prioritize and simplify. Unfortunately, I regret the things I don't have time for. I like to move slow.<br />
<br />
I don't want to lose this job. There are many good things about the company I like.<br />
<br />
I accomplished all the things I intended to this weekend. I feel stable. At one point, I tried to figure what I needed to do next. I stopped myself and allowed myself to relax and appreciate feeling caught up.<br />
<br />
It's time to begin building my spiritual practice back into my life.<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Wednesday 6/18/14</b></i><br />
<br />
I haven't figured out my new job yet. I'm feeling exhausted at the end of the day. I'm not focused on taking any new tasks yet, but I want to add meditation, orgasmic yoga, exercise, and my Yoga of Sex class. I want to go slow. How do I keep my life simple? Eliminate TV.<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Tuesday 6/24/14</b></i><br />
<br />
I'm having a tough time at work. It should be expected. I'm working in a new domain with new tools and technology. I had taken for granted the applications I used to work on which I had worked with for years, so this isn't unusual. Unfortunately, it makes me feel old and slow.<br />
<br />
How do I deal with it?<br />
<br />
I need to be able to relax while I'm learning. It just gets frustrating, though. On top of that, I add the sensation that if I under-perform, I will be let go.<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Thursday 6/26/14</b></i><br />
<br />
In a week, I'll begin an erotically charged deep healing experience. I'm not sure what it will look like. My intention is to come home more free in my day-to-day life. After beginning to read Daring Greatly, I sense that I'm living with plenty of shame, but not with such a clear source. I'm called to be more authentic in all parts of my life, not just where it's safe.<br />
<br />
I'm trying to figure out how to live with work. I'm called to work in a mainstream company to support my erotic education and enrich other Sacred Intimates as a client. However, I want to continue the work of my heart. Ideally, that would support me one day. In the meantime, I don't know how to keep work from swallowing all my time and energy. I need more ritual and less TV.<br />
<br />
<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Saturday 6/28/14</b></i><br />
<br />
My dream this morning:<br />
<br />
I was heading back to a hotel. Police passed me. I needed to let someone at the hotel. They were after him. In a room on the ground floor of the hotel, I rigged a phone to call him and warn him. They found it and then were after me. I'm out on the tops of grape plants. Then I woke up.<br />
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<hr noshade="noshade" />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Sunday 6/29/14</b></i><br />
<br />
As I prepare for my week of healing, I'm thinking about my new job. So far, I've had a difficult time trying to get acclimated and settle in. I think about why I have this job and what it offers.<br />
<br />
Part of my vision statement is “to grow my prosperity in support of my mission,” which is “to make the world better through understanding and compassion.” I intend to spend my money supporting those who offer the type of sacred practices I wish to offer. I want to support my partner through his life changes.<br />
<br />
There's another key part of what I want to offer. I want to help others live more consciously, to live their highest vision. To me, that means incorporating spirituality into their day-to-day lives. In short, my job is my opportunity to practice spiritual principles.<br />
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Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-82357088331169946192014-07-31T19:44:00.004-07:002014-07-31T19:44:50.519-07:00HealingHas it really been so long since I last posted. It's time to start getting back on track.<br />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/10/14</b></i><br />
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On the way to the Naked Yoga Camp, I started to think about being in the flow of spirit. It has to do with seeing all of life as a spiritual journey, everything on purpose. There are no accidents. Everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be. It's not an easy discipline to maintain.<br />
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I've touched on it before. The job feel's like that. It was time to start making money again. If the job had not worked out, there was another company I could have fallen back on. This job is great in following my mission.<br />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/22/14</b></i><br />
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The most solid ritual I have right now is to take time to be still when I wake up. My chatterbox tells me I don't have the discipline for something more. I start my new job on Tuesday. Knowing how to structure my life is important. It's necessary if I want to go on to fulfill my life's work. I don't want to be swallowed by work.<br />
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I want to maintain time to be still, time to let my mind wander and relax.<br />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/24/14</b></i><br />
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I can't see myself. It's not that I'm invisible, but that my perception is distorted. I'm too close to myself for perspective. I look at my painted toenails and appreciate their beauty, but it's stands out when I see another man's painted toenails. In some ways, I don't judge myself as I judge others and other ways I judge myself more.<br />
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I think my self image is distorted. I can't see my weakness or strengths. I don't recognize myself as a man. Sometimes I feel annoyed and angry at others. Other times, I feel small and unimportant.<br />
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I need other people to look at me and tell me what they see. Even then, they will only be able to tell me what I show them. What is my goal in hearing how people see me? To know my strengths. To see when I should be embarrassed or ashamed. Is that it? Am I trying to find my modesty? Am I trying to see if I'm immoral? I still want to be a good boy.<br />
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What is the specific healing I am seeking? I want to heal whatever it is that keeps me in my shell. I want to heal what it is that makes me have to deduce how I'm feeling based on my circumstances. I want to be proud of who I am. I want to know who I am. I want to defend myself. I want to stop being so uptight and wound up.<br />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Sunday 5/25/14</b></i><br />
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Same question as yesterday: “What is the specific healing I am seeking.” I'm glad the question isn't about the wound I want to heal. It's more generic and open ended. I want to bring more power into my day-to-day life. So maybe that healing would be around being more authentic, healing the fear that prevents me from disagreeing with someone.<br />
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Alternatively is healing my inner duality. I feel such constraint to hide my identity at work that I expose myself as much as I can outside of that. I believe in nudity as a spiritual practice, but recognize it is not the cultural norm. I record conscious masturbation sessions to encourage others to explore their pleasure without shame. I share my journal through my blog. I over-share, hoping that I will find acceptance among those who feel as I do and self-acceptance in sharing my true nature. I want to share what I am ashamed of so that shame will have no power over me. All so that I can more freely express myself in areas where I can be judged and hurt.<br />
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So far: The sense of being unacceptable, being inauthentic, duality.<br />
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Is there something else? HIV. Fear of death. Anger. Hiding is my biggest problem.<br />
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Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4534647358633308388.post-72253360219962323412014-05-07T12:40:00.001-07:002014-05-07T12:40:24.093-07:00New Day Job<br />
<i><b>This is a journal entry from Wednesday 4/16/14</b></i><br />
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A burden has been lifted. I have attained the income I was seeking. This income will feed my prosperity. I have some remaining steps to take. There is a background check. I have some time to get my office at home in order before I begin. I have vacation time now that will allow me to continue with my Sacred Intimacy training. Sacred Intimacy has such a broad meaning to me. How shall I use it to heal myself and others?<br />
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Everything feels perfect. I feel relieved. I feel at peace.<br />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/17/14</b></i><br />
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The first part of my vision statement is to grow my prosperity in support of my mission. The idea of working for my new company is kind of foreign. I should be well suited to it. It provides vacation time I need to continue my training. It should be mellow enough that I can continue growing my SI practice. I'm not sure what that looks like now.<br />
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This seems ideal.<br />
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I will have plenty of sessions to help heal and grow during <a href="http://www.thebodyelectricschool.com/mens-intermediate/in-the-garden-of-life" target="_blank">In the Garden of Life</a>. I wanted this before I did Advanced SI Training, but I wasn't invited to Advanced SI Training, either.<br />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Saturday 4/19/14</b></i><br />
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I want to make a habit of setting an intention at the start of every day. I'd also like to start exploring the wounds I want to heal at <a href="http://www.thebodyelectricschool.com/mens-intermediate/in-the-garden-of-life" target="_blank">In the Garden of Life</a>. I still have deep seated shame that makes me lack confidence when expressing myself. I often have a sense that I'm not aware of what I actually want to do. I don't really know what brings me joy.<br />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/20/14</b></i><br />
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How do I want to change? My experience at <a href="http://www.thebodyelectricschool.com/mens-intermediate/dear-love-of-comrades/" target="_blank">Dear Love of Comrades</a> was profound. I came away completely open. I was aware and loving. I felt comfortable talking to people. I lost my fear.<br />
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I feel guarded again. Shielded. At <a href="http://www.thebodyelectricschool.com/mens-intermediate/dear-love-of-comrades/" target="_blank">Dear Love of Comrades</a>, my heart was cracked open. I felt loved and appreciated. It was magical. Can I experience more of that? I was deeply in my power. I came home with my power. I feel like I've lost that - in spite of getting my new job.<br />
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I want to step deeply back into my power again.<br />
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I want to cry.<br />
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I want to be affirmed.<br />
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I want to unlock my power. I want to feel free, but not just at the event. I want to take my freedom with me. I need to find it's source within me. I want to let it flow.<br />
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How would that change my life? Would I still work for a company? I would be in touch with my power. How I made money wouldn't matter much.<br />
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Sacred Intimacy really is different than sex work, even though I consider sex work to be sacred. Sacred Intimacy is about touching someone on the deepest levels. It's a spiritual sex, but sex is love. It's treating a client as God. God is my Master. I serve God in my clients.<br />
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Sacred Intimacy is holding someone in my arms and allowing them to grieve the passing of their soul mate.<br />
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Sacred Intimacy is witnessing someone as they come to terms with a fatal disease and celebrating their lives.<br />
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Sacred Intimacy is giving someone what they need when they have no idea what that is.<br />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Tuesday 4/22/14</b></i><br />
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<ul>
<li>HIV</li>
<li>Death</li>
<li>Daddy/Fuck/Death</li>
<li>Childhood Nickname</li>
<li>It had nothing to do with me</li>
<li>Crying</li>
<li>If I want to feel loved, I must love myself.</li>
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/24/14</b></i><br />
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I'm doing the legwork for my new job. I'm still a little nervous this could derail. My first day isn't until the end of May, but I'm thinking ahead to how my day to day life will be. I want to make sure that I schedule time for spirit and body. I want to continue building my own business.<br />
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My mission is to make the world better. My vision is about growing my prosperity in support of that mission, living my life out loud, completing my training and teaching what I've learned. My new job grows my prosperity. How do I see the other aspects of my vision?<br />
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I want to safely be more authentic at work, which is hard to pin down. I's not talking about Sacred Intimacy at work, necessarily. It's what I was talking about a few days ago, being open hearted. It's about overflowing with power so I can feel present talking with anyone. I suppose I'll know when I'm not that, but how do I nourish myself enough to be so over flowing? That's something I must do.<br />
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Then there's completing my training and teaching what I've learned. I was specifically thinking about the Yoga of Sex class, but also about more Sacred Intimacy training. I'll teach through videos and Sacred Intimacy sessions.<br />
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I'm looking for a relaxed pace to my days. That's 8 hours of work, plus my Orgasmic Yoga sessions, plus working out at the gym. I was going to say "plus nourishing myself," but I feel that should be built into my Orgasmic Yoga sessions - or better yet done continuously.<br />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Saturday 4/26/14</b></i><br />
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I've been thinking I need to increase my energy level, but I'm not sure that's true. Right now, increased energy might just feed directly into tension. I often feel that I'm stuck when I'm trying to work on a task, that I'm out of energy, but maybe it's just that what I'm trying to do isn't in alignment with my soul. The best thing I could do would be to totally go with the flow, let my energy direct me instead of trying to direct it.<br />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/27/14</b></i><br />
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I want to find a deeper level of exposure. It's very easy for me to be naked, but I still hide the deeper parts of myself. I do this so well that I feel I don't know myself very well.<br />
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I don't feel comfortable being myself in front of others, but I'm not sure I know what "being myself" means for me. I'm better with people I've met through <a href="http://www.thebodyelectricschool.com/" target="_blank">Body Electric</a>. Ultimately, it's just letting myself relax. I don't think it has to do with trying to find ways to shock people, but maybe that might help me to be desensitized to my fears.<br />
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<i><b>This is a journal entry from Wednesday 4/30/14</b></i><br />
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I'm waiting for the background check for the job to be completed. Everything should be fine, but I'm in limbo. There may even be a fall back job if something unexpected happens. There's no reason not to relax, but my ego wants to know what's next.<br />
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I turn my attention back to <a href="http://www.thebodyelectricschool.com/mens-intermediate/in-the-garden-of-life" target="_blank">In the Garden of Life</a>. This is a one-of-a-kind opportunity to do some deep healing and get closer to my soul. The most important thing to me is in finding my voice, or being willing to be seen. What do I mean?<br />
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I feel like I hold back, and it's draining. I don't feel equal to the people around me. I feel I exist at their pleasure. I don't feel equal. I've always felt the need to protect myself. I'm resisting this train of thought. How can I feel equal? How can I learn to feel safe letting my guard down? If I knew how, I could try it and learn to feel safe. Unfortunately, it's just a vague feeling of being less than anyone else. Where did it come from? Is it because I think of them as being separate? Even my biological family doesn't feel safe. The men I've net through <a href="http://www.thebodyelectricschool.com/" target="_blank">Body Electric</a> and my erotic training are loving and supportive. How can I recognize every human being as a reflection of myself? How can I feel safe? I need to feel myself as I feel for other people, an unpredictable force of nature.<br />
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How do I know when I'm being myself? If I notice I'm not being myself, what do I do?<br />
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Rex Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09703580352463777010noreply@blogger.com0