Monday, December 29, 2014

Your Life's Calling: What I've learned so far

The format of this blog is changing. In the recent past, I have been posting journal entries directly to the blog. I have been told that others might get something out of seeing my process. I use my journal to explore my thoughts and feelings. I look at where I am blocked or unhappy. I ask questions that arise and try to answer them. I've decided to move forward from that and begin posting more coherent entries.

This post explores the simple idea of your life's calling. This seems like a good topic as we approach the new year, although I don't like setting this time apart as if it was literally an ending and beginning. That, to me, feels like such an artificial construct. In fact, this topic has weighed on me for the  past five years, if not much longer.

When I first explored this idea in my senior year of high school, it was manifesting as how I would earn money. I had grown up with the archetype of the Star Trek universe. I saw myself as an analytical support for an emotionally intuitive hero: Spock for Kirk. Looking back, part of the allure was being in control of my emotions which were so chaotic during my childhood. Today, I understand that my attraction to that archetype as important. It may yet hold the key to my life's mission.

There were some problems in searching for my life's purpose. First is that I was confusing it with a career. How do I make money from my purpose? I took that question and added my love for Spock and ended up with a push into physics. A funny thing happened on the way and I delved into consciousness expanding drugs. I don't know if I ever had a chance at a physics degree, but I had trouble with the math. I could never find a vision of a physics degree that filled me with passion. Nothing took me in the direction of being Spock.

The foray did teach me how to think critically, and I picked up software programming relatively easily. I still feel I have a decent understanding of how the physical universe works. And it provided an income that allows me to pay off the debts of my earlier years.

My understanding of my mission has changed. I recognized how much I enjoyed sex and how shamelessly I experienced it as a gay man. It took me some time to share my sexual orientation with my family. I still have shame to overcome in the broader culture, but I feel further ahead than so many people I've encountered. I toyed with the idea of doing porn and being a sex worker. My sense of freedom to pursue that has only come to fulfillment after I passed midlife. I am now 49 and feel I have more to offer. Without cultural support, I could not have been prepared any earlier. Even if I had, I would not have the financial stability that gives me that freedom today. That would be a worthy goal of support in itself – giving young adults who share this calling to serve as sex workers safely while furthering their education and long term prosperity.

My new sense of purpose and mission is far beyond the idea of career. Now it's focused on sacrificing everything to fulfill my mission. It's not how I can make money from it, but how can I most effectively spend money and energy on it. That is a new concept and hard to anchor in western culture. My mission statement has been getting more clear since I started trying to phrase it. I'm looking for a form that is stable and unchanging, although the way it manifests may change. My mission is to contribute to the survival of life on Earth by giving people permission, understanding, and serving.

From my perspective, the key to getting at your purpose is to spend time thinking about it regularly. When you're ready, write it down. If it doesn't feel right later, revise it. Look for the version that is unchanging. There are plenty of books about finding your life's purpose. Consider working with a life coach or a therapist. Don't consider money. What you've done for a living is a clue, but also what feeds your passion. What fills you with passion? Keep looking for that. It's important.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Time (again), Priorities and Progress: October Journaling

 I've updated my website. Please take a look and let me know what you think http://rexharley.com:
http://rexharley.com


This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/2/14

I would like to change my attitude. There's no reason not to feel good on a regular basis. I have a lot of control over my experience. I'm not trapped at my desk at work. I'm not doing anything that makes me feel remorse.

I want to make a fundamental change, but why? What will I look like when I do? I am free. I step more and more deeply into my freedom regularly. That counts for something.



This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/4/14 

I'm looking at my priorities. It seems to build my SI business, I should become a certified massage therapist. But before I finished that, I wanted my Sexological Bodywork Training. I had put that on hold to focus on my relationship. It's easy to see how those things cascade.

Part of my vision statement is to complete my training. I was specifically thinking about Sexological Bodywork Training, there. What are my real priorities? My relationship. My practice. My prosperity.



This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/9/14 

What's important to me? It's becoming more important to not feel rushed. I'm tired of having too much to do. Since I create my reality, I'm responsible for that. A human lifetime seems so short. I want to do so much that I hate to do anything.

One time, it might have been fun to be paid for sex. Working in software has been fun, too. A video game has so many constraints and limitations, but writing actual software is very unlimited. It is a creative process, but it's not treated like art. It's treated like an engineering project.

What is important?

My partner is important. Sign language is important because of my partner. Prosperity is important because of the freedom it offers. Overcoming my fears and shames is important because of the freedom it offers. My spiritual practice is important because of the freedom it offers. What is mine to give to the world? What am I here to express? Expressing myself is important because I fear it. It makes me vulnerable. I must be vulnerable in a world where that is not safe.



This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/11/14

Palm Springs - Healthy Friction 

I'm feeling a little off today. Yesterday, too. Maybe it was the poppers.

One of the nice things about this event is that everyone has permission for self pleasure. It's a short leap to pleasure someone else or to be pleasured. With all the erections, it feels like I need to have one to keep up. How many are supported by Viagra/Cialis? I like to raise my energy and accept my penis without an erection. I haven't been feeling fully at ease. I would like to know what that's teaching me. Maybe it's because I came twice yesterday.

I sense that I want to simplify my life more, but that's so I won't feel so rushed. I don't know. I have glimpsed the magic of the world I live in, how the world I experience is within me. I want more of that world of magic. So simplifying may not be my real goal. The real goal is to step into my power.

There's a sense that I get busy going from one thing to the next, that I'm always on. That's what I want to turn off. I don't want to feel like I'm too busy to live. So how do I step into my power and stop doing?



This is a journal entry from Sunday 10/12/14 

Yes, I want some ritual in my life. I also want to release the feeling I'm always doing something that takes me away from what I want/need to be doing. I want to tie into myself better. What I want to do is to live my life so that when the day is over, I don't feel that I ran out of time before getting to what I wanted to do. I don't want to feel like I'm missing my life.

Chop wood. Carry water.

One factor is second guessing myself, deciding to do whatever I do and then regretting what I didn't do. Did I choose to do the right thing?

I feel like I'm trying to guess what I want to do. What I need to do. Like I don't actually know. I'm getting to know myself.

I feel like I want to work for myself, like I'm tired of working for someone else. Like working for someone else is taking me away from my mission, even if working for someone else gives me resources to do things I want to do.

 I feel that there is a way to be where everything flows and my will is the Universal will. How do I find where that is?



This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/18/14

I'm still very angry. I always get angry when someone get's angry with me. Maybe not always, but it is a pattern. I suppose the details aren't important. I was teasing a friend. Apparently it was bothering him more than I realized. He was perceiving something that I don't believe was true and was not in keeping my personality. I want to lash out, but I'll wait until I am in a more loving space.

Last night, I had some very erotic dreams. I remember sucking on a dildo covered in Crisco. I remember feeling acceptance when I expected judgment.



This is a journal entry from Monday 10/21/14 

I've been feeling bitter. I feel trapped. Someone I thought was a friend hurt me. There is pressure at work.

At the same time, I must recognize that I am creating this. I've seen others maintain good attitudes in difficult situations. My attitude is off. When my attitude is right, my life falls into place.



This is a journal entry from Friday 10/24/14 

I've been touching myself a lot this week. I don't think I've ejaculated since 10/13 - 12 days ago. I've done some meditating almost every morning. When I start self-pleasuring, I don't want to stop. I get so so hard. I love it.

Healing my relationship with time is my focus. I need to stop giving myself so much to do that I am perpetually frustrated. But there's so much I want to do. What do I really want to do and what do other people want me to do that I think are my desires? How much does shame drive my need to do more? How do I live in the moment? My energy is dissipated when I live over a span of time instead of in the moment.

And finally, I need to clear with someone who hurt me who thinks I hurt him. I can't do that from anger.



This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/25/14

Today, we will do more work on the St. Andrew's Cross. Maybe I'll get more things off my to do list.

My intention remains to heal my relationship with time. I need to understand what that means. 1) at work, I feel that I'm being kept from doing the things important to me - living my mission. 2) In general, I feel like there are too many things to do that keep me from getting to what I really want to do.

Maybe if I can figure out what I'm not getting, I can start to make room for it.



This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/30/14 

I need to make time to be timeless. I need time to sit and be aware of the eternal nature of time, to break free of the cells of time - like hours, days, and weeks. Awareness of time is great for planning and connecting, but it's no way to live.


Tuesday, November 11, 2014

September Journal: Time and Motivation

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 9/2/14

I have thought about what I didn't get done this weekend, which is typical. I didn't focus on what I did. Yesterday felt very unproductive and that was by design, but I still posted my July journal entries. And I sat in front of a web cam. I never did drum up any new business. The x-tube web cams didn't support me.

I want to help heal the world. I don't want to be tied to corporate work. I had a plan. My plan involved writing and video and teaching people to embrace their sensuality in ways that honor Spirit and harm no one.

I mostly want to be able to get above the details so that I can remember the big picture.



This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/7/14

“Have the courage to live in the world you create.” This is the thought that developed in yesterday's session. My intention was to heal my relationship with time. What came out of that was finding things to be grateful for at work. I came home from work unmotivated and exhausted. It would be good to find more nourishing ways of recovering after work – maybe by offering sessions.

So it comes back to the search for clients. There are people who need what I offer. How do I connect with them? How do I convince someone that I can help them and am worth the money? There are people who could use my help, but think they can do it on their own. And they can, but I can be a great facilitator.

It came to mind how fortunate it is that my experience of the world is expanding. I can see that I live in a world of muggles who keep themselves trapped in conformity in a changing world, but that's not true because we're all wizards. Still, shame keeps us trapped.

I can see now that I can only t each what people are ready to hear. I am continuing to free myself. My mission is to give people permission. The world seems very dysfunctional. While most people just want to live a quiet life, others are killing over ideologies being led by people interested only in power. I'm interested in teaching people that the world is much more vast. We literally create our own experience. I live in a world where I know the erotic is a God given, life affirming gift. That puts me at odds with many who feel that sex is a shameful necessity or that it's only good if it is couched in spirituality. I see it as all good as long as it is consensual. It can bring new life to anything it is mixed with. It is a powerful healing tool and the source of creativity



This is a journal entry from Friday 9/12/14

The world is bigger and more profound than I typically realize. It's time to start living that way. My life is sacred. There's a desire to start on firm footing, and that is it. I can't haphazardly decide to box up my time and pack in activities, but I can hang activities from it like ornaments. I always want to come back to my sacred heart.

I feel called to go beyond ordinary. I desire to release shame. I desire freedom of action. I am supported by ever-present God. He gives me what I need to live my purpose. I have what I need now. I don't need to quit my job and try to survive by massage alone. My job is to remain open and aware







This is a journal entry from Monday 9/15/14


I have seen a larger way of being in the world. I was avoiding something yesterday, the way I often do. I wanted to distract myself with video games or sex. I never found out what it was.

It's what happens when I forget everything exists in this moment now. It means learning new habits that allow me to do that more deeply. That feels like it needs to come first, before packing my daily periods with chores. I want to learn how to live in the world from this place. That's what I'm looking for



This is a journal entry from Saturday 9/27/14

Dream:

I landed near a river of lava. It was ashen in color. Every now and then, some bright red glowing spots would be visible. Every now and then someone would ski past, heading down the flow. I don't remember what we were talking about.

I stand up and it was night and there were city lights in the valley below. (It wasn't my fault? The environment?) Then we were in the distant past. The lava was mud. I walked across and saw rectangular areas worked in the fields where enormous paintings were being created. It was raining. It felt like I was in a movie. It must have taken a lot of effort to build this facade. Nothing like it would really exist. There was oriental string music playing



This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/28/14

I have a little motivation right now. Do I dare try to stop the train for meditation? It's often hard to get moving on something. I don't want to break the momentum. But this is also the weekend and I don't want to feel like I'm neglecting my partner.

 I need my daily practice. It has been put aside for the past two weeks because of a sore throat, cough, and fevers


Saturday, October 4, 2014

Healing My Relationship with Time

This is a journal entry from Monday 8/4/14

I just had the thought of assisting with Dear Love next year. My partner wanted to go. I could attend again as a participant and would then be his roommate. I don't think I could stay with him if I was assisting. I don't know. Assisting would be a growth experience for me. It would allow me to be there for my partner, but not interfere with his experience.



This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/9/14

Brené Brown, in Daring Greatly, talks about aspirational versus practiced values and how the gap between them is disengagement. That makes me want to take a closer look at mine.

I value managing time wisely, but in practice, it feels like time is running me over. I don't set the priorities such that I avoid things that are lower priority. I try to do it all. This is one of those perpetual things. I say “no” to some things, but still feel in a perpetual time crunch. This has been a thorn in my side.



This is a journal entry from Friday 8/15/14

This week, my morning practice has been fucked. I had an early 6 AM meeting on Tuesday. Wednesday and Thursday I also went in early. I haven't done my morning ritual since Monday.

I did two sessions with a voice coach. She gave me some habits that can help me project more. It's been funny that it came down to breathing. Breath seems like a way for everything – from the eros of Sacred Intimacy to living a better life in general. It has made me aware of how wound up I make myself. Now I have techniques to help me relax.

Today, I'm grateful for my arm pit hair, my heart beat, and our jasmine plants.

I still have healing to do around my relationship with time, but the world today is naturally wounding in that respect.



This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/17/14

I can see how shame has influenced my behavior. I can see how I modify my behavior because I don't feel entitled to... what? Have an opinion? Be who I am? Defend my existence? Present myself authentically? Express my energy in the world? Influence the world through my presence?

I have felt broken, that I can't trust myself. But I have the right to exist. I don't need to filter my behavior. There is nothing wrong with me. When will my different halves become one? My childhood personality is the key.

If I say that I don't feel entitled to be who I am, it sounds much like not feeling entitled to exist. Is that what I've been up against.



This is a journal entry from Tuesday 8/19/14

I need to slow down. I'm feeling rushed again. My script is to avoid the feeling of being rushed by distracting myself with TV, and with a general feeling of lethargy.

What do I know to do? Accept the feeling of being rushed. Allow it to exist. Don't fight it. Too much time is spent fighting emotions.

I was surprised I didn't do more to clean up the house last night. I'm thinking how I didn't clean up and how I didn't do my daily sign language study. That made me want to go to work early and skip my shower and breakfast.

I don't need to avoid the feeling of being rushed, but I want to shed as much light on it as possible. How I spent my time yesterday, what I got done or didn't, doesn't dictate how I will feel today. Right now, my feeling of being rushed is rooted in yesterday. And I don't want to distract myself from feeling rushed. Checking Facebook or watching TV doesn't do anything except amplify the feeling of being rushed. Only consciousness will do that.



This is a journal entry from Monday 8/25/14

The weekend felt very full and busy, but I'm not sure it was. It feels like it was gone too fast. I miss the days I didn't have a job, although I don't miss having my bank account shrink.

I remember going into my office and seeing the piles of stuff there and losing interest in picking it up. There was plenty more to do. I'd love to be caught up. I was ready for a break, but a break from what?

I have money to do things now. I have vacation time to do them. What is the real purpose I serve? Giving people permission still seems at the crux of it. Am I really a healer? Can I learn how to exist as a healer in the modern world?

I need to heal my relationship with time.



This is a journal entry from Friday 8/29/14

My intention is to heal my relationship with time. What does that mean?

I tend to think I don't have enough time. I imagine doing things and add them to a written or unwritten list of things to accomplish. Then I tend to berate myself for not working on those things.

There are also times I sit with a task and resist it – like cleaning the office. I can sit there telling myself that I need to get it done while I sit and do nothing – or do it while strongly resistant. Maybe it feels like there's too much to do. Maybe it's indecision on how to proceed.

The first problem comes from overcommiting myself. By not setting priorities and letting go of what's less than most important. The second comes from not finding my flow and doing things I'm motivated about while I try to force myself to do something I want to avoid.

Those are the two issues I'm aware of. The first is worsened by a culture of busy-ness, where there's too much to do and too little time to do it. I'm not aware of the wounds that may be causing these issues – if any exist. I don't know how to heal.

I feel encouraged to follow my passion. That feels difficult, because things I thought I was passionate about aren't really my passions? That means I'm free to explore that.

One of the things I want to do is to let go of the feeling of being rushed. I'm worthy of taking as much time as I need.



This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/30/14

My intention is to heal my relationship with time.

Yes. This is a recurring theme. My basic approach has not changed. I often feel that there's a list of things to do. I'll think of something and put it off because I think something else is more important. My fears keep me shut down. I can't look up and know what to do. I might distract myself with sex, but I don't move forward.

It seems to make sense that if I feel there's never enough time that I need to change my perspective. It doesn't match my beliefs. I believe that I am an eternal being. I believe that the present moment is eternal. I believe that no matter the appearance of imperfection, the world is unfolding perfectly. I have exactly the right amount of time. So how do I need to change how I see the world so that I stop feeling like there's not enough time?

Coming from the perspective of my beliefs and values, how do I see the world? I don't feel like there's enough time, but I know there is. I get stuck on details and lose the big picture.

When I feel rushed...

When I feel I have to do something time consuming...

Then I need to remember the bigger picture.



This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/31/14

My job is not going to keep me from living my purpose, but it feels like it will. I loved the time I had to work on my own ambitions while I wasn't working, but the income never manifested. What is my purpose?

I see the broken people of the world wreaking havoc on the rest of us, breaking others. Fear causes them to lash out, causes us to lash out. I don't know if I'm here to help them find healing or to help teach people how to heal themselves from their damage. Maybe I just need to find healing and help others do the same.

I still want to do SI work. I want to teach. I want to be a rebel, a revolutionary of peace. I'm part of the underground of physical pleasure. I feel this needs to be accomplished through writing and speaking, and services as an SI where I can hone my knowledge.

This introspection is a needed part of my week. It is not wasting time rehashing things.


Monday, September 1, 2014

In the Garden of Life - July Journalling

This is a journal entry from Friday 7/4/14

I'm in the air. My new job is behind me. I left things as best I could. It's odd being able to take vacation so close to my start date. It makes you feel powerful to have a new job. This one does support me better than the last few jobs.

I had worried abut leaving my last job, but I had enough money to support myself and the new job came along before I started eating too much into savings. And this job came along at the right time. I am grateful.

So now I begin this journey that I wasn't sure I would be able to take. What do I want to do? A part of me is learning to embrace my job while maintaining a spiritual program. I know that I am powerful. I want to bring my Dear Love experience of self-acceptance into my daily life.



This is a journal entry from Saturday 7/5/14

The area of healing I decided to focus on was on my general sense of feeling broken. I understand now that that feeling is shame based. I feel just not quite right. I look to the things about myself that don't fit into this culture – self-pleasure, pleasure in general, exhibitionism, feet, promiscuity. I feel distracted by goals that don't really fit like a physics degree or by shortcomings in my line of work as a software developer.

Without the things I love, my life feels dry and empty. Imagine being monogamous and focusing on my software development work... What a waste of life.

I feel that I have something important to contribute – that the world needs people like me. I feel I need to do something big, but I don't think that's for me to decide or worry about. My part is to give myself enough self-acceptance so that I can handle whatever happens.

Two things are bubbling up. How to nurture myself at my current job and take time for my spiritual rituals. And what does my calling look like and what do I need to do to accept that?

I want people to see sex as more than the one-dimensional cliché it's perceived to be. It's not just about getting off. It's not just about erotic pleasure. It is nurturing. We can get better at nourishing ourselves and others with sexuality.

While I don't see how I will do that specifically (masturbation videos, workshops, lectures, books...), I see that I want to be able to express myself without being threatened by opposition. I want to be able to hear opposition without being intimidated. I need to know I'm coming from a place of integrity. I need to be able to believe what I'm saying and feel worthy of saying it.



This is a journal entry from Monday 7/7/14

I felt nervous the other night about the trip. I know it will be challenging. That's what I'm looking for. At the same time, I will be driving my own experience. Where do I want to go? Where do I need to go?

What are the areas of shame in my life? My heritage as the son of a redneck. Backwards. Intolerant. Mean and angry.

My own weakness. Playing with girls' toys growing up.

I felt unable to say what I wanted to say. It got to the point that I didn't want to say anything that anyone might disagree about. Not feeling I could be myself, I stopped trying and forgot how to do that. It's not that I forgot what that was... That can change. I lost how to be myself in the moment. Being forced to talk when I have nothing to say would be as bad as not feeling comfortable talking.

I want to step into my power, but I'm also afraid of stepping into my power. I assume that's shame. Stepping into my power means being open to scrutiny and criticism. I can expect to make mistakes, but I don't want to, not in public.

I want a way to live my life when I get home. I want to be secure financially as I live as a Sacred Intimate. How can I be in this world and not of it? I want to let go of my fight with time. I want to own my life. I'm tired of fighting.



From Monday July the 8th through Sunday July 13th, I attended In the Garden of Life. That experience will not be communicated here. It was intensely personal and transformative. I'm happy to speak with you about it in person, but it will not be shared via the web. 



This is a journal entry from Monday 7/14/14

I'm afraid this contraction will be more painful than I have experienced in my past because of the degree to which I permitted myself to expand. Last night, I experienced something that can't be un-experienced. It showed me something fundamentally real about the power of healing that I have open to me when I am expanded. I experienced an elder in our community that has not been honored for his open hearted touch. He shared a wound with a laugh while his eyes showed the pain in this for him.

This contraction may be more painful because I am more aware of how deeply contracted I feel in my day-to-day life. I have constricted myself so severely in the past. I need your encouragement to continue to be the big open-hearted man I am.

I woke up this morning with an absolutely relaxed neck. It felt so cool and relaxed. It reminded me that I take on shame in my day-to-day life that I don't really notice. My neck is a barometer to help me notice it, express it, and let it go.



This is a journal entry from Wednesday 7/16/14

This is my second morning back, but it's too early for a regular routine yet. Yesterday, I went to work with 1.5 hours of sleep. Today, there's a meeting at 7 AM and I'd like to go in person. I thought it would be easy to get up at the same time I was getting up at Easton Mountain with 6:30 there being 5:30 here, but I would have been happy to keep sleeping.

I did sit intentionally in the temple for 5 or 10 minutes, but I don't feel there's time for movement or self-touch.



This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/17/14

I was exhausted yesterday afternoon. I was physically scraping the bottom. Maybe because I have yet to get 8 hours of sleep? And I woke up with a headache.

I have chosen to make my partner my top priority for a while. He is the most important part of my life and he deserves all of me. That means my Yoga of Sex class will not get my full attention for a while, while I focus on sign language and voice coaching.

...

I did a clearing with someone yesterday. After taking the time to make sure I was pronouncing his name correctly, he used my legal name rather than my preferred name. He explained the name he used belonged to someone he used to work with and always went to for help with certain technologies. He was actually complimenting me when he accidentally used the wrong name. I was amazed at how quickly that resolved and left me feeling better.



This is a journal entry from Sunday 7/19/14

I am glad I went to In the Garden instead of Advanced Intimacy Training. I am more free now than before I went. I have released some shame, but I have further to go. I have named my shames as I released them.

Now I'm back at work and struggling. How much of this is shame? I want to pour so much time into work so that I can prove that I belong there. I don't want to let go of the incredible benefits. I want to prove my worth at work. That is probably fucked up. I'm putting so much pressure on myself. Can I name this shame? I am ashamed that I'm not proficient at my job.



This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/24/14

What am I resisting? I had trouble meditating this morning. I feel tight. I feel like I'm holding back. I feel tired.

I think I need more sleep. Seven hours isn't enough. With HIV, I may need more than average. Is this what I resist?



I can feel myself resisting, but what is it that I'm resisting? My days feel too full. It's not that there's something I need to do that there's not time for. It feels like there are too many things. That's what I resist. That's what I always resist.

How do I lean into that? There is a need to focus on things that are higher priority, but if I assume I can figure those out, what then? I've got as much time as I need to get the things done that will be done.



This is a journal entry from Friday 7/25/14

My dream last night was a giant eye looking up from under the surface of a very shallow are of ocean water. I imagined it was part of a larger dark body floating under the water. I imagined it was an octopus. Then I think we were collecting food to trap it. I self-interpret the eye as representing my unconscious slowly becoming conscious.

Today, during meditation, I was thinking about leaning into my sense of lack of time. It occurred to me that I'm not getting something I need. Maybe it's not one thing that I can schedule time for. The more I schedule time, the less time I feel I have. So now I think I need time to do whatever the hell I want. I'm not talking about time for the gym or time to meditate. I am talking about time to do whatever pops into my head at any given time.



This is a journal entry from Saturday 7/26/14

So, from yesterday's entry, I now I need some time each day for whatever the fuck I want. It's not enough to schedule time for this or that that I think I will want to do at some time. I need to literally give myself permission to have some truly unstructured activity.

This feels important. It's the answer to feeling there's never enough time. How will I remember it going forward? Add it to my healing plan.

I was surprised how important feet were to my growth. I have felt shame over my foot attraction. I can post videos of me with huge dildos in my ass hole, but I'm afraid to tell people I like feet. I have a hard time connecting with it. I'm afraid to share it to start with, but then I'm afraid someone with disgusting feet is going to be offended when I am repulsed by his. My father taught me feet can be horrible. They can emit a stench that is horrific. I'm ashamed that someone might think that's what I'm attracted to.

I don't like toenails that have a fungal infection. I don't like toenails that have yellowed. I don't like foot stench, but I am willing to explore scent. I grew up with conflicting ideas of feet. My father's that were horrible and my neighbor's that were sexy as hell with a dusting of dark hairs on top.

Now, I'm looking for male volunteers to let me massage and explore their feet.



This is a journal entry from Sunday 7/27/14

Coming back from In the Garden, I was absolutely overflowing. I was open and attuned, even in NYC. Now, I feel tired. I want to go masturbate, but more as a way of escaping. TV is another escape. It's time to be present. How can I nourish myself so that I can feel I have enough to spare. I don't know what nourished me while I was there. I don't really know how to feed myself, either.



This is a journal entry from Wednesday 7/30/14

I am committed to living in my power and using my voice. I have been feeling drained. My mind is caught up in work. Nothing is bad,but I don't feel balanced.

Maybe I watched too much TV last night. I have more important things to do.


Sunday, August 3, 2014

Preparing for In the Garden

Preparing for In the Garden of Life

This is a journal entry from Sunday 6/7/14

The specific healing I am seeking... I feel like there's a block on my ability to relax with other people? I feel uptight. I don't feel comfortable laughing or crying. I don't like how I have to figure out what I feel based on context.

I feel like I have so much healing to be done. I'm afraid of people I don't know. If I am so badly damaged, why can't I figure out what that damage is? Why do I think I'm broken?



This is a journal entry from Monday 6/16/14

I'm mostly prepared for In the Garden of Life. I'm beginning my 4th week at my new job. I'm still trying to integrate. I didn't have enough time when I wasn't working. I have less now. It's more imperative to prioritize and simplify. Unfortunately, I regret the things I don't have time for. I like to move slow.

I don't want to lose this job. There are many good things about the company I like.

I accomplished all the things I intended to this weekend. I feel stable. At one point, I tried to figure what I needed to do next. I stopped myself and allowed myself to relax and appreciate feeling caught up.

It's time to begin building my spiritual practice back into my life.



This is a journal entry from Wednesday 6/18/14

I haven't figured out my new job yet. I'm feeling exhausted at the end of the day. I'm not focused on taking any new tasks yet, but I want to add meditation, orgasmic yoga, exercise, and my Yoga of Sex class. I want to go slow. How do I keep my life simple? Eliminate TV.



This is a journal entry from Tuesday 6/24/14

I'm having a tough time at work. It should be expected. I'm working in a new domain with new tools and technology. I had taken for granted the applications I used to work on which I had worked with for years, so this isn't unusual. Unfortunately, it makes me feel old and slow.

How do I deal with it?

I need to be able to relax while I'm learning. It just gets frustrating, though. On top of that, I add the sensation that if I under-perform, I will be let go.



This is a journal entry from Thursday 6/26/14

In a week, I'll begin an erotically charged deep healing experience. I'm not sure what it will look like. My intention is to come home more free in my day-to-day life. After beginning to read Daring Greatly, I sense that I'm living with plenty of shame, but not with such a clear source. I'm called to be more authentic in all parts of my life, not just where it's safe.

I'm trying to figure out how to live with work. I'm called to work in a mainstream company to support my erotic education and enrich other Sacred Intimates as a client. However, I want to continue the work of my heart. Ideally, that would support me one day. In the meantime, I don't know how to keep work from swallowing all my time and energy. I need more ritual and less TV.



This is a journal entry from Saturday 6/28/14

My dream this morning:

I was heading back to a hotel. Police passed me. I needed to let someone at the hotel. They were after him. In a room on the ground floor of the hotel, I rigged a phone to call him and warn him. They found it and then were after me. I'm out on the tops of grape plants. Then I woke up.



This is a journal entry from Sunday 6/29/14

As I prepare for my week of healing, I'm thinking about my new job. So far, I've had a difficult time trying to get acclimated and settle in. I think about why I have this job and what it offers.

Part of my vision statement is “to grow my prosperity in support of my mission,” which is “to make the world better through understanding and compassion.” I intend to spend my money supporting those who offer the type of sacred practices I wish to offer. I want to support my partner through his life changes.

There's another key part of what I want to offer. I want to help others live more consciously, to live their highest vision. To me, that means incorporating spirituality into their day-to-day lives. In short, my job is my opportunity to practice spiritual principles.


Thursday, July 31, 2014

Healing

Has it really been so long since I last posted. It's time to start getting back on track.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/10/14

On the way to the Naked Yoga Camp, I started to think about being in the flow of spirit. It has to do with seeing all of life as a spiritual journey, everything on purpose. There are no accidents. Everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be. It's not an easy discipline to maintain.

I've touched on it before. The job feel's like that. It was time to start making money again. If the job had not worked out, there was another company I could have fallen back on. This job is great in following my mission.



This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/22/14

The most solid ritual I have right now is to take time to be still when I wake up. My chatterbox tells me I don't have the discipline for something more. I start my new job on Tuesday. Knowing how to structure my life is important. It's necessary if I want to go on to fulfill my life's work. I don't want to be swallowed by work.

I want to maintain time to be still, time to let my mind wander and relax.



This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/24/14

I can't see myself. It's not that I'm invisible, but that my perception is distorted. I'm too close to myself for perspective. I look at my painted toenails and appreciate their beauty, but it's stands out when I see another man's painted toenails. In some ways, I don't judge myself as I judge others and other ways I judge myself more.

I think my self image is distorted. I can't see my weakness or strengths. I don't recognize myself as a man. Sometimes I feel annoyed and angry at others. Other times, I feel small and unimportant.

I need other people to look at me and tell me what they see. Even then, they will only be able to tell me what I show them. What is my goal in hearing how people see me? To know my strengths. To see when I should be embarrassed or ashamed. Is that it? Am I trying to find my modesty? Am I trying to see if I'm immoral? I still want to be a good boy.



What is the specific healing I am seeking? I want to heal whatever it is that keeps me in my shell. I want to heal what it is that makes me have to deduce how I'm feeling based on my circumstances. I want to be proud of who I am. I want to know who I am. I want to defend myself. I want to stop being so uptight and wound up.



This is a journal entry from Sunday 5/25/14

Same question as yesterday: “What is the specific healing I am seeking.” I'm glad the question isn't about the wound I want to heal. It's more generic and open ended. I want to bring more power into my day-to-day life. So maybe that healing would be around being more authentic, healing the fear that prevents me from disagreeing with someone.

Alternatively is healing my inner duality. I feel such constraint to hide my identity at work that I expose myself as much as I can outside of that. I believe in nudity as a spiritual practice, but recognize it is not the cultural norm. I record conscious masturbation sessions to encourage others to explore their pleasure without shame. I share my journal through my blog. I over-share, hoping that I will find acceptance among those who feel as I do and self-acceptance in sharing my true nature. I want to share what I am ashamed of so that shame will have no power over me. All so that I can more freely express myself in areas where I can be judged and hurt.

So far: The sense of being unacceptable, being inauthentic, duality.

Is there something else? HIV. Fear of death. Anger. Hiding is my biggest problem.


Wednesday, May 7, 2014

New Day Job


This is a journal entry from Wednesday 4/16/14

A burden has been lifted. I have attained the income I was seeking. This income will feed my prosperity. I have some remaining steps to take. There is a background check. I have some time to get my office at home in order before I begin. I have vacation time now that will allow me to continue with my Sacred Intimacy training. Sacred Intimacy has such a broad meaning to me. How shall I use it to heal myself and others?

Everything feels perfect. I feel relieved. I feel at peace.



This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/17/14

The first part of my vision statement is to grow my prosperity in support of my mission. The idea of working for my new company is kind of foreign. I should be well suited to it. It provides vacation time I need to continue my training. It should be mellow enough that I can continue growing my SI practice. I'm not sure what that looks like now.

This seems ideal.

I will have plenty of sessions to help heal and grow during In the Garden of Life. I wanted this before I did Advanced SI Training, but I wasn't invited to Advanced SI Training, either.



This is a journal entry from Saturday 4/19/14

I want to make a habit of setting an intention at the start of every day. I'd also like to start exploring the wounds I want to heal at In the Garden of Life. I still have deep seated shame that makes me lack confidence when expressing myself. I often have a sense that I'm not aware of what I actually want to do. I don't really know what brings me joy.



This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/20/14

How do I want to change? My experience at Dear Love of Comrades was profound. I came away completely open. I was aware and loving. I felt comfortable talking to people. I lost my fear.

I feel guarded again. Shielded. At Dear Love of Comrades, my heart was cracked open. I felt loved and appreciated. It was magical. Can I experience more of that? I was deeply in my power. I came home with my power. I feel like I've lost that - in spite of getting my new job.

I want to step deeply back into my power again.

I want to cry.

I want to be affirmed.

I want to unlock my power. I want to feel free, but not just at the event. I want to take my freedom with me. I need to find it's source within me. I want to let it flow.

How would that change my life? Would I still work for a company? I would be in touch with my power. How I made money wouldn't matter much.

Sacred Intimacy really is different than sex work, even though I consider sex work to be sacred. Sacred Intimacy is about touching someone on the deepest levels. It's a spiritual sex, but sex is love. It's treating a client as God. God is my Master. I serve God in my clients.

Sacred Intimacy is holding someone in my arms and allowing them to grieve the passing of their soul mate.

Sacred Intimacy is witnessing someone as they come to terms with a fatal disease and celebrating their lives.

Sacred Intimacy is giving someone what they need when they have no idea what that is.



This is a journal entry from Tuesday 4/22/14

  • HIV
  • Death
  • Daddy/Fuck/Death
  • Childhood Nickname
  • It had nothing to do with me
  • Crying
  • If I want to feel loved, I must love myself.



This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/24/14

I'm doing the legwork for my new job. I'm still a little nervous this could derail. My first day isn't until the end of May, but I'm thinking ahead to how my day to day life will be. I want to make sure that I schedule time for spirit and body. I want to continue building my own business.

My mission is to make the world better. My vision is about growing my prosperity in support of that mission, living my life out loud, completing my training and teaching what I've learned. My new job grows my prosperity. How do I see the other aspects of my vision?

I want to safely be more authentic at work, which is hard to pin down. I's not talking about Sacred Intimacy at work, necessarily. It's what I was talking about a few days ago, being open hearted. It's about overflowing with power so I can feel present talking with anyone. I suppose I'll know when I'm not that, but how do I nourish myself enough to be so over flowing? That's something I must do.

Then there's completing my training and teaching what I've learned. I was specifically thinking about the Yoga of Sex class, but also about more Sacred Intimacy training. I'll teach through videos and Sacred Intimacy sessions.

I'm looking for a relaxed pace to my days. That's 8 hours of work, plus my Orgasmic Yoga sessions, plus working out at the gym. I was going to say "plus nourishing myself," but I feel that should be built into my Orgasmic Yoga sessions - or better yet done continuously.



This is a journal entry from Saturday 4/26/14

I've been thinking I need to increase my energy level, but I'm not sure that's true. Right now, increased energy might just feed directly into tension. I often feel that I'm stuck when I'm trying to work on a task, that I'm out of energy, but maybe it's just that what I'm trying to do isn't in alignment with my soul. The best thing I could do would be to totally go with the flow, let my energy direct me instead of trying to direct it.



This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/27/14

I want to find a deeper level of exposure. It's very easy for me to be naked, but I still hide the deeper parts of myself. I do this so well that I feel I don't know myself very well.

I don't feel comfortable being myself in front of others, but I'm not sure I know what "being myself" means for me. I'm better with people I've met through Body Electric. Ultimately, it's just letting myself relax. I don't think it has to do with trying to find ways to shock people, but maybe that might help me to be desensitized to my fears.



This is a journal entry from Wednesday 4/30/14

I'm waiting for the background check for the job to be completed. Everything should be fine, but I'm in limbo. There may even be a fall back job if something unexpected happens. There's no reason not to relax, but my ego wants to know what's next.

I turn my attention back to In the Garden of Life. This is a one-of-a-kind opportunity to do some deep healing and get closer to my soul. The most important thing to me is in finding my voice, or being willing to be seen. What do I mean?

I feel like I hold back, and it's draining. I don't feel equal to the people around me. I feel I exist at their pleasure. I don't feel equal. I've always felt the need to protect myself. I'm resisting this train of thought. How can I feel equal? How can I learn to feel safe letting my guard down? If I knew how, I could try it and learn to feel safe. Unfortunately, it's just a vague feeling of being less than anyone else. Where did it come from? Is it because I think of them as being separate? Even my biological family doesn't feel safe. The men I've net through Body Electric and my erotic training are loving and supportive. How can I recognize every human being as a reflection of myself? How can I feel safe? I need to feel myself as I feel for other people, an unpredictable force of nature.

How do I know when I'm being myself? If I notice I'm not being myself, what do I do?


Status Update

I haven't had any clients this year, but it hasn't been a high priority. Several weeks ago, Joseph Kramer decided to pay me for an educational video that is now posted on his site. This is a great boost to my esteem as an educational erotic video producer. It is part of his course: Your Junk is Someone's Treasure.

In the past I've mentioned having mission and vision statements. The first line of my vision statement is "...to grow my prosperity in support of my mission." It has been a priority. While I believe in my skills as a Sacred Intimate and video producer, I couldn't see any way to earn enough money to support myself and my erotic eduction. Previously, I had entertained calls from recruiters. These never really panned out. I didn't resonate with the jobs and apparently I didn't resonate with the prospective employers. I began meeting up with old coworkers and heard about a job. This was the first position I actually pursued. It pays well, offers insurance coverage, has many holidays, and includes three weeks of vacation per year. I was very happy when I was offered the position. I hadn't posted about it until this week because I needed to pass a background check (employment verification) and drug test. Everything finally came into place on Monday. My first day of work is May 27th.

One benefit of this company is that the vacation time is immediately available. Therefore I have put down a deposit for In the Garden of Life for this summer. I wanted to do some more deep healing before asking to attend Advanced Sacred Intimacy Training. I am excited and scared of the fears, tears, and laughter I hope to experience.

I haven't had a full time job in a year. I had no idea I had the resources to go this long without appreciable income. I'm not sure how to handle 8 hour days anymore. The first month, I will focus on taking care of and being gentle with myself.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Your Junk is Someone's Treasure

My video is up at The New School of Erotic Touch as part of the class called Your Junk is Someone's Treasure.






This video chronicles one of Rex Harley's daily Orgasmic Yoga sessions. "My practice typically involves self erotic massage with heart pleasuring or erotic trance dancing. The sessions usually last between 40 and 60 minutes.  My intentions for my Orgasmic Yoga practice are to unleash my healing ability, to reconnect my heart with my genitals, to become more aware, and to remember what is important." In this session he consciously focuses on heart pleasuring which involves generating energy in the genitals and then pumping that energy up through the body to the heart.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Interview Preparations

This is a journal entry from Monday 3/17/14

I haven't chosen the course of my week. The app is very important to me, but I don't want it to consume me. It's more than setting priorities. It's about feeling whole.

I know what I need to do. I believe that, but I don't necessarily want to do what I need to do. While I know it leads to freedom, it feels hard. I hide the answers from myself. I need to remember that it leads to freedom. Right now, all I see is soul crushingly meaningless work so that I can survive in the world. If I had been quicker to adapt, maybe I'd have the income stream I want now.

 I am free already.






This is a journal entry from Wednesday 3/19/14

I've been focusing on what I need to do. Today, I'd like to focus on what I want to do. Today, I should let my creativity shine. I wish to feel free.



What can I imagine today? Let me open myself to inspiration. I'm still focusing on making money, my prosperity. I've turned my attention back to software development to support my mission, but I am tired of working for others. Can I write enough apps that they will generate income? Can I write a book about spiritual sex?


I don't have time to work for someone else. I need to write my book and my apps. I need to make my videos. But I need income now. I can't wait another six months while I write. Where is my time going?



This is a journal entry from Friday 3/21/14

My frustration has been up. It's about money. I feel that I need an income and the best chance of that is to do the job I used to do. I'm also aware that I was not happy with that. It was draining. I had no energy to write my own software or work as a Sacred Intimate.

I think I need money to support my mission, but I also need time and energy. I haven't had a job in nearly a year. Stepping into my power, I know what is mine to do. One of my weaknesses is to believe that I don't know what to do. Often it's to avoid doing something I don't want to do or am afraid to do. Maybe I'm guessing. I don't have any concrete examples.

Testing my theory, what do I want to avoid? I don't want to go back to what I was doing before. I can't take working for my last company. Maybe any company I work for would be the same. I don't want to be beat down again. I'm afraid of trying to communicate my skills to interviewers who only think of technical questions with right and wrong answers, all the things that can be looked up. But then miss the point that I'll do anything to get the job done. I'm tired.



This is a journal entry from Wednesday 3/26/14

I'm ruminating on a couple of ideas. One is how to communicate what I actually offer during an interview. Another is a professed belief that knowledge workers are more productive when they get enough rest, have fun, and are not in fear of losing their jobs.

I'm going to the second one first because it bothers me most. I want to push myself hard to get a job and keep it. I want to skip my time at the gym and get to work faster. I want to put more pressure on myself because I feel stressed. I want to stop being uncomfortable and I think the key to that is to push hard and get it over with. I conveniently forget how challenging it is to work for someone else.

I think I should put my money where my mouth is. I want to keep working out, getting sleep. I want to figure out how to enjoy life so that I can use the positive energy to find a nourishing source of income. Maybe that comes to finding what I enjoy doing best so that I can communicate that during an interview.

That brings me to the first item on my mind. I've been trying to see how to proceed. One way would be to write stories about each project I've worked on. Another is to write stories about things I do well, the idea being to give concrete examples. For some reason, both are challenging for me. If I have trouble writing about it, how can I hope to talk about it? When I think about thinking about what I want to communicate, I feel lethargy. I try to overcome this and push on, but I think the best stories will come from writing from a happy place. Certainly I must have some happy work memories??



This is a journal entry from Tuesday 4/1/14

What is my focus this week? My app is done. I'm waiting for it to be approved for the app store. My first DVD is done. I've sold one video to Joseph Kramer which was very exciting. I think that I need a job to be able to continue supporting my mission, but I'm afraid a job will keep me from fulfilling my mission.

So what is the third path? What gives me the best chance of living my mission? How do I care for myself? My ancestors support me. A host of angels is ready to spring to my aid. I am powerful.

My focus is prosperity. I would like to see either a steady income at $400 per month or available liquid funds of $100k. To achieve that, I must prepare and play. I need to release my genius.



This is a journal entry from Friday 4/4/14

I know what I need to do. It's so easy to pretend I don't. I even fool myself. I cloak myself with ignorance so that I can avoid responsibility. That let's me play the victim and avoid accessing my power.

I have concluded that my mission is to make the world a better place through understanding and compassion. My belief is that I need to use my power to support myself so that I can follow my mission. I understand a little about how the physical world works and a little about how the spiritual world works. That ought to be a competitive advantage.

What about today? I notice my tendency to be self-centered. I think about what I need to do. I'm focused on I. For today, how can I flip that?



I perceive myself as understanding what others are explaining more easily than those around me.

I tend to use my free time thinking about what needs to be done. For that reason, I have a hard time knowing what I want to do - how I would spend my time if I wasn't worried about getting things done. Well, one of the things I need to do is find out what I actually do enjoy doing, what I naturally do well. My brilliance.

If I had money to last until I die, what would I do? Because that's where I should live my life.



This is a journal entry from Tuesday 4/8/14

I feel uncomfortable. I don't feel confidence in my job search. Have I been away from work too long? How will I put in 8 hours of work? I feel exhausted so easily. So 1) I don't know if I can get the job, and 2) I don't know if I'll be able to handle the job if I get it. I feel exhausted.

I need to change my thinking. What thoughts can I believe that will support me? I feel the need so that my partner can take a break. I jumped because I had some things I wanted to do. I'm still working on those things, but the big things are done. The DVD. The App. If I get my job, then I can use the money to promote my products.

What have I learned?

I've learned that I don't do marketing. I've learned how to create quality videos. I've learned how to create iPhone apps. I can do more, but I need short term profits. This is important because I need to fund my mission.

How do I find my enthusiasm? This whole process of writing stories about my work can only help me better know myself. Why do I drag my feet? I'm afraid I won't like what I find.




This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/10/14

I'm having trouble recalling the stories from my career as a software developer. I'm resisting. I'm tired of having to prove myself. I'm afraid that my story isn't compelling. I think my career has been lackluster. It's been so long since it fascinated me. I don't trust my ability, but I have the ability.

I don't know my interviewers. I have no control over being hired or not. I'm the one I'm trying to prove myself to. I'm afraid to try because I may be right. It's my ego. I feel fragile.

I need to know myself. Whatever I do, knowing myself can make me more effective.



All day. I still resist...

I have thought about it. I need this job for several reasons. My current vision includes growing my prosperity to support my mission. More important, maybe, is my desire to be able to support my partner. This should be enough motivation to go to the ends of the Earth.

I am getting frustrated trying to answer possible interview questions. I'm having trouble remembering instances that could form the framework of my answers. When I sit and can't think of anything, my anxiety rises. If I was in an interview, I'd have seconds to answer the questions and I'm having trouble thinking of anything over hours.

Part of the cycle is that when I can't think of anything immediately, I get anxious. When I get anxious, I have trouble remembering anything. The anxiety spirals.

Possible solutions include getting out of the anxiety. There are steps I can take - like taking deep breaths and focusing on the present moment. I don't know if I'll be able to eliminate anxiety on an interview, and I don't think I can. But at this time before the interview, I think I can relax enough to come up with some prototype answers. I can use that to make my “script” for the improv at the interview.

I need something more. I want to be in my power when I consider these questions. I want to be positive so that my answers capture that. I'm feeling anxious now when thinking about these questions. I need to convert that anxiety to a confident excitement. How?!


This is a journal entry from Saturday 4/12/14

I don't need to believe everything that pops into my head. I learned that from Eckhart Tolle. I keep doubting myself. I have thoughts that I can't keep up at work. I also know I'm very competent at what I do. I'm not the most advanced developer, but I do solid work.

I don't know how to stop fretting about the interview on Monday. I want to prepare for it as much as I can, but thinking about it triggers my anxiety and self-doubt. I will experiment with a) imagining the interview going perfectly and b) imagining having the job.



When I look at the questions, I feel anxiety. I don't know how to answer them. It feels like I don't know myself. Where is the anxiety coming from? What does it mean?


Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Moving Forward

Has it really been such a long time since my last post. I hope this makes up for it. Things have been busy and my focus is elsewhere



This is a journal entry from Monday 2/24/14

What is the thrust of my week? I choose to continue stepping into my power and living out loud. I want to get good at making myself feel uncomfortable.

I want my app to be a thrust. I want my technology marketing to be a thrust – working on a new blog, doing some networking... However, I also want to nourish the twin part of my soul, my heart. There is a faerie coffee on Saturday. I want to do something to support my Sacred Intimate work. The most important part of finding my balance is going to be finding breathing space.

I need time to let myself be quiet, to let go of all the anxieties and to simply be. I am one being with many aspects. I detest being labeled.



This is a journal entry from Wednesday 2/26/14

I'm frustrated. I'm having trouble getting the ads turned on in my app. I've been trying to get it to work since the end of last week. I've downloaded some sample code that seemed to work, but I can't duplicate the results in my app. It's frustrating me.

I'm trying to understand how to move forward. I want to work on it to the exclusion of everything else. I've had enough of it. I want to figure it out. I want to skip the gym and start early. I want to stop taking care of myself until I resolve the problem.

In reality, I know I need to change my perspective. I am not relaxed as I explore the problem. I'm rushed and frantic. This is the attitude that poisons my career. I need to take time to know that I can solve the problem, that money will come to me as I need it.

It's time to step into my power again. Now, I can step into my power and be aware of it.



This is a journal entry from Thursday 2/27/14

I made progress yesterday on getting ads to work in my app. I need to revisit the app and make sure everything is good so that I can get it in the app store. I need to see what I need to change about it first.

I'm low energy right now. I ejaculated this morning before going to the gym for a run. I'm at a between place. My next activity hasn't begun. I'm not motivated to continue, yet.

I step into my power.



This is a journal entry from Saturday 3/1/14

It's already March.

I had dreams this morning. I can't really remember them. One of the involved an ice maker delivery at a resort.

Yesterday, I focused on networking activities. I didn't make as many contacts as I would have liked, but the dry(?) was there most of the time. I attended an early morning networking event and then the job club. When I got home, I was trying to connect with my references to make sure my info was up to date.

I have felt as though there are two parts to me. I have one side that shows itself to family and in my job as a software developer. It is the socially acceptable side of myself? The other part of myself is more authentic, but has aspects I can't share with everyone. It's the part of me that feels at home and natural with the erotic. Its' my pleasure seeking animal nature.



This is a journal entry from Sunday 3/2/14

I can sense a widening of my life, but it's clouded. Joseph Kramer affirmed my ecstatic work, so there may be more video projects in the future. I'm getting my app ready for market. My software development career appears about to resume.

I need to make a conscious decision to step into my power, or else I get stuck in a meaningless to do list. I imagine standing with an orb of light in front of me, and then stepping forward into that light. When I do that, I know what I need to do and I have the power to do it. My power is different than anyone else's. On one hand, my power has an erotic tint. On the other hand, it has a technical understanding coupled with perseverance.

I've never known how to join the erotic to the rest of my life. I have felt that there is negative judgment against those who embody the erotic. We are considered to be shallow, but only because we are put into a limited and shallow box. I also understand intellectually the judgment actually comes from within me. I judge myself and blame it on others.

So I step into my power, which is erotically intellectual, or intellectually erotic.



This is a journal entry from Monday 3/3/14

I'm having trouble sleeping, but there is no specific thing keeping me awake. Joseph Kramer is going to use my latest video on his site. My iPhone app is wrapping up. I'm talking to someone tomorrow about a job with a start-up that is at it's beginning phases. I have a head pain that started two weeks ago. I'm going to LUEY this weekend. Maybe I just got too much sleep last night.

Actually, I'm thinking that I will be pressed for time tomorrow, and that I'm not clear on what to do. What will be my priorities?



I choose to come from a place of power. My life is not a to-do list. I open myself to receive I follow my passion. What is the most empowering thing I can do today? What invigorates me and fills me with passion? This is the moment, now.



This is a journal entry from Wednesday 3/5/14

What do I do easily and naturally? Sometimes I tell myself it's sex. I seem to be able to access pleasure more easily in myself. I can follow directions. I journal. I like to bake from scratch. I like taking classes. I understand natural laws very intuitively. I'm good at being alone Nudity. More later.

What do my customers pay me for? I don't have any real customers, per se. The companies I've worked for paid me to design, develop, test, deploy and maintain software. To fix defects. To work as a part of a team. To help produce a product that the company could sell.

My SI clients have paid me for intimate experiences, confidentiality, safety. They trust me. Joseph is paying me because my ecstatic, sensuous state is contagious.

I think my sincerity and dedication are important.

What have others said I'm really good at?

What activities energize me? Speaking in front of people? Having sex, on the web cam. Exploring ideas about reality – philosophy. I've always enjoyed science – computer science, physics. Philosophy. The nature of consciousness.



This is a journal entry from Monday 3/10/14

What do I want this week to be about? I'd like to wrap up my first app, but I need to be able to respond to headhunters. Further, anything I could do with Toastmasters would be good. I want to include porn in my orgasmic yoga in preparation for a video I'm doing for Joseph Kramer.

I need to be able to come from a place of power, whatever I do. That means knowing what I want. Unfortunately, I'm in a sour kind of mood. There's nothing motivating me at this moment. I'm afraid that taking a full time job will end my personal app development and Yoga of Sex study. I need more effective ways to energize myself.



This is a journal entry from Wednesday 3/12/14

“Of course...”

This is the thought I had this morning as I was worrying about getting a job and earning money. Of course I have the capacity to support myself. Of course the money will flow. Of course I know what to do. Of course...

It is time for my life to shift. I'm tired. It's time to use intelligence to accomplish more with less effort. I can support myself and never have the need for a full time job again. Of course.



This is a journal entry from Sunday 3/16/14

I imagine that I am special needs, and that I am being cared for by the people in my life. I think “maybe I just imagine that I am living in the world.” Do the people I love take care of me? I imagine that maybe I'm so much slower than everything I know that I don't realize that I'm disabled.

On the other hand, I've imagined everyone in the world as being in on a great conspiracy. Everyone an actor in a great performance, guiding how I live. I imagine that at some point, all will be revealed that I am the center of the world, everyone knowing everything about me and loving me anyway. Would I feel traumatized at the exposure, or would I feel affirmed and validated?


Monday, February 24, 2014

Opening To Receive

This is a journal entry from Monday 2/10/14

If today is all about checking things off a list, then the day is already lost. I need something deeper. What is the meaning behind my actions today? How do I serve the greater good?

Maybe a rephrase of my mission statement: My mission is to make the world better through understanding, compassion, and wisdom.



This is a journal entry from Tuesday 2/11/14

I choose to live from my power today. For me, it is very subtle. It's the difference between living life and being driven by life. I resist the latter and am not very familiar with the former. It's a state of mind. It's a quiet confidence. I spend much time trying to control my emotions, draining me of vitality.

Living from my power must mean following my passion and authenticity. I feel the need to break out of my mold. It means recognizing my dominion over my life. No one else can tell me how to live, or think, or feel. I Am who I Am.



I am not meant to control my feelings. My feelings inform me. I can listen to my feelings and avoid trying to suppress or control them.



This is a journal entry from Tuesday 2/18/14

What is mine to do today? I open myself to receive. I open myself to guidance.

If I had no need of money, it wold be simpler. I could design my life with time to dedicate to my spiritual life and develop my own software products and serve as Sacred Intimate. My desire is to serve.

Do I keep trying to make money independently? My attention is split. Is my current project just a distraction? Will it make money?

I want to focus my full attention on today. This is where my power lies. Let me go to the well and nourish my soul. Today is always The day. I am not who I was yesterday. I will be someone new tomorrow. I am alive now. Today's focus is my app. It will be until I release the first version.



This is a journal entry from Thursday 2/20/14

I'm beginning to slip into a mentality of lack. It's time to go out of my way to feel prosperity. I don't like thinking about all the money I've gone through since last April. I feel like I can have some income by selling my time tracking app. I haven't had any appreciable income as an SI. I want to put my app in the app store before I focus on finding my next job. I need that to be sooner than later for my peace of mind.

I need to go further. I need to trust in God and follow his guidance. It's time to welcome divine help. It's time to recognize the bounty that surrounds me.

I tell myself I don't have a job because I haven't really tried. But maybe I'm too afraid to really try. At the same time, I feel that I ought to be able to have an income without working for someone else. If I can come up with some little income streams, they can add up. Still, my first stream is Sacred Intimacy. My second stream is my app. After that, maybe it's app development.

I'm like a two tined fork. Erotic and technologic. When I combine the two, then maybe that will be the key.


Friday, February 14, 2014

Stepping Into My Power - Journal Entries

Has it really been so long since I posted? It's been a bit busy.

This is a journal entry from Monday 1/20/14

As I wake up this morning, I have four big projects I'm working on. I can see the values of each. These things are pushing aside smaller tasks that may have more value, but these all seem time sensitive.

I must step into my power and choose. There's one more factor that's important to me: taking care of myself. I want to maintain my spiritual practices. I want to exercise. I step into my power and choose.



This is a journal entry from Thursday 1/23/14

I am stepping into my power. With that comes the ability to be conscious of my current situation and to take the necessary steps to move forward.

It's already the 23rd and I don't have a job as a Java developer anywhere. I am committed to getting my first app completed and uploaded to the app store. That can earn me a bit of income and demonstrate my ability. Then I will need to focus more exclusively on finding that job. I need to be able to tell the story of my technical skills and remember everything I know in that regard. Then I need to keep interviewing and learn to love the interview process. Here, I need to step into my power as well.



This is a journal entry from Friday 1/24/14

There are more things to do than I have time for. That means I step into my power today and choose.

Stepping into my power, I know that I know what I need to do. First thing is to let go because there's nothing I have to do. Whatever will be done will happen in its own time.



This is a journal entry from Sunday 1/26/14

I had a dream last night. It had a decent length, but it's fading from memory. I was in a military prison. I remember rows of beds. I remember eating lasagna on the floor off a plate where the lasagna had slid partway off. I remember not eating all of it, but thinking I'd get used to eating off the floor. I remember thinking that I always said I liked institutional living. It was a fairly long and consistent dream. At some time, I got away on a motorcycle. I was going out of my way to avoid being seen because I knew there would be a manhunt.



This is a journal entry from Monday 1/27/14

I had several dreams last night. I'm already losing them. The first had police, suspected cannibals, and drugs. The others, I am not able to recall. I would like to find some other way to remember them.

Before I decide what I would like to work on today, I want to step back. I have a tendency to be able to  be single-minded, which may be able to save me now. I want to get my app on the app store before I get my next job – otherwise it may not happen.

When I'm working with single-minded determination, I can become unbalanced. Tension builds in my neck and shoulders. Single minded determination is part of my power.



This is a journal entry from Friday 1/31/14

I've been putting myself under the gun to get my time tracking software done. It's my current top priority. Unfortunately, now I'm trying to plan my day and again there's too much to do. I feel that the pressure I put on myself can be relaxed. I think it must be. It's a bad habit. Right now I'm torn between the job club and my app. At this point, I don't see a happy path. What is my happy path?

I surrender. How may I be of service? I guess that if there are days where I push, then I have to allow for days that I allow to unfold. Can I permit an unplanned day?



This is a journal entry from Sunday 2/2/14

I have been very single-minded about my app lately. It's getting closer to paying off. Even with what I've done so far, there is probably a few more days of work. This is something I would never have time for while working a full time job. The problem is that it's taking time from other things I want to do. This is a typical pattern. If I was working a full time job, it would be what consumes my time. It seems like the only way to make progress, but I feel unbalanced.

The next thought has to do with seeing porn as shallow. It has to do with seeing a naked man with an erection and thinking that that is all he is. It has to do with thinking that if coworkers knew I made porn then they would discard me and all of my skills as someone with no value in life. I started reflecting on this when I flipped the page on my calendar and saw a naked erect man. There is no reason that he shouldn't be allowed to express this part of himself. There is nothing wrong with what he is doing. It's only a part of his personality and it shouldn't prevent him from being all that he is. We put him – or any exhibitionist who shows their body – in a box and claim he can't be this or that because he's just a porn model. I'm so tired of limiting boxes.



This is a journal entry from Monday 2/3/14

It's 1:30 AM and I'm not sleep. I guess I have things floating around that I need to get out.

I'm frustrated and struggling to get my app done. It may end up providing some income. It may demonstrate my skills. It gives me experience using Java to build iPhone apps. I'm learning Objective-C. I am trying to figure out the user interface for adding new tasks. I've made good progress this weekend, getting over a hump. I'm able to start tying my engine to the UI. I can save my file and read it back. I'm wondering how I'll add advertising and making the 99¢ version without advertising.

Tomorrow (today) I need to go to the drugstore, deposit to our joint account, go to the gym and start my Dreamweaver class. How do I find the time to keep working on my app and preparing for interviews? Where's the time for nourishing self-pleasure? I feel more pressure because I don't have a source of income. I don't see how to nurture my own interests and work when I don't even have time for my interests.

My app needs the ability to add new tasks, traverse the task hierarchy, delete tasks, and select tasks. I need to be able to view the daily and weekly totals. In the future, I want to be able to make corrections, traverse each day of the week and even traverse weeks. Maybe instead of saving to a file, people could have the option of saving to /reading from the cloud. And this is just a simple app.

And all this focus on the app is taking away from my relationship, and my calling as a Sacred Intimate, and my self-care. And I want to add automated testing to make sure things work the way way they are designed to work. Everything is waiting on the initial delivery.



This is a journal entry from Friday 2/7/14

It's time to step into my power again. I have options today: running, Toastmasters, my app, Fry's,... I live with the consequences of my choices. No matter what I do, I can live with the consequences. I have come to believe that my attitude is the most important thing influencing the quality of my life. That's why I have options and not to-do items. My attitude is a little claustrophobic about time.

I want to give myself permission to sink into my day and accept guidance from powers greater than myself and be fully present and patient in all that I do.



This is a journal entry from Saturday 2/8/14

Where does my heart lay today? I avoid jumping into my to-do list. This is the year of stepping into my power. I open myself to receive. There are unseen forces moving in my direction, who want nothing more than my highest good. I live in an abundant universe.

My faith is perfect. The universe responds according to my faith. “...faith is a movement of mind in which you determine that which is true. You're doing that all of the time.” Stretton Smith in Stretton Smith's 4T Prosperity Program. It is responsible for how I see the universe. It is a principle that is always active. The form my life is taking at this moment is a direct reflection of my thoughts and beliefs by the power of faith.

There are some things I want to manifest in my life. I want prosperity now. I want to see the abundance around me and start tapping into it. I want to release the anxiety I feel about not having a job.


Thursday, January 30, 2014

BDSM Info

In this week's Savage Love by Dan Savage, he had some websites that he passed on from Mollena Williams. I wanted to share this as well as put it someplace I could find it later.

BDSM Dating Sites:
FetLife.com
ALT.com
iTaboo.com
BDSMfriendbook.com

Local BDSM Events:
drkdesyre.com

And a book:
Playing Well with Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities by Mollena Williams and Lee Harrington.


Friday, January 24, 2014

Stepping Into My Power - Journal Entries

This is a journal entry from Thursday 1/2/14

When I was in Basic Training for the Army National Guard, I had an overwhelmingly powerful affirmative experience. I'll try to write about it here, but hope to expound on it later. Around half way through OSUT (One Station Unit Training), I got pneumonia. By then, everyone in the platoon had developed cohesion. For the most part, we were supporting each other, and knew a little about each other's character.

Something had happened. There were some cadets that were helping the  drill sergeants. There was a big overnight hike. Even though I was on profile (had a medical excuse), one of the cadets wouldn't let me out of that hike/run. I was encouraging myself to cough, which wasn't hard, to get sympathy and drop out of the hike. Even so, I wasn't giving up. I didn't talk back. During that time, I made an impression on the other men in the platoon. Eventually the drill sergeant heard me coughing up a lung and got me on a truck and the cadet got chewed out.

Sometime after that, we were back in the barracks. Here I'm fuzzy. A drill sergeant or someone made a comment about me, or got after me. I think I was heading to the latrine or something. I think the men were supposed to be in their bunks or something. When the drill sergeant asked what I was doing or if I was stupid or something - I don't remember what, all the other men in the platoon came to my rescue. They told him I could hang. "He can hang, drill sergeant!" I felt an overwhelming support and appreciation from the other men and it was like nothing I ever experienced. I smiled and tucked my head down and rushed about what I was doing, all the while feeling surprised and overwhelmed by their love.



This is a journal entry from Wednesday 1/8/14

At this moment, I can feel something beneath the surface. There is something that wants to manifest. I think back to when I was laid off and how wound up I got about finding a new job. That has not happened since I left my last company, but I have had moments of panic.

I can see that it's time to step into my power. I have not seriously searched for a job. I have been to some interviews. One that went well fell apart during the more general non-technical phase.

My schedule is now full. Between taking some classes at ACC, working on my Yoga of Sex course, writing my own software, and trying to find a business model for my erotic work - my days are packed. If I have a job, too, things will be dropped. But I can't continue without an income. Maybe that's not true?

Stepping into my power, what is mine to do? Mainly it's to step into my power. That's all this is about. I can see that I've been running away from it. So, it's really all about stepping into my power. It always has been.

What does that look like to me? I am decisive. I act in spite of fear. I act with integrity.



This is a journal entry from Friday 1/10/14

Yesterday, I was focusing on stepping into my power. I wanted to know what that would look like. One of the things that came to mind was my ability to dive into a technical project, so I spent yesterday working on my time tracking application. One of my strengths is my single minded determination and focus. It feels good. It's about time I put it to work.

I have a tendency to avoid making decisions. I don't like being defined or limited. So I decided that stepping into my power also means being decisive. That sounds like a powerful idea.



This is a journal entry from Sunday 1/12/14

My days are busier. When I had enough time, I still didn't clean my office. How do I find the balance and still do everything I want to do? I wanted to skip church today to work on my application. I'm motivated by it. How do I have time for the gym, Orgasmic Yoga, and all my other obligations. What do I need to release? How do I do what I don't do when I have enough time?



This is a journal entry from Monday 1/13/14

I choose to step into my power. Yesterday, I was wondering how to do the things I don't do even when I have enough time for them. I'm not employed right now and I have no  time. Time, time, time. Clearly the solution to this problem involves stepping into my power.

Many many years ago, I focused on sympathy. I tried to play the victim so that people would go easier on me. I'm not sure that's true, but I've felt battered by life, even when it goes well. I feel like life pushes me around, like I have to do this, this and this. But I don't want to, so I dig in stubbornly and feel overwhelmed by life. I feel weary. All of this comes from within me. Life is very kind to me.

I think stepping into my power is the only way to get out of the time trap. I think I need to take ownership and responsibility for my life by stepping into my power.



This is a journal entry from Tuesday 1/14/14

Let me step into my power today. Let me be supported by the Life of the Universe. Let me find the inner alignment I seek. Let me live out-loud. Let me stop hiding.

I need to set up a phone interview, but my insecurities are surfacing again. This company has the vacation time I need. It sounds ideal. And I am afraid.

I believe I am good at what I do. I believe I have skills to offer. So then I must also believe there is a company out there who can use my help. Can I stretch that and believe that God will guide me to where I need to be?

I believe that when I step into my power, I am aligning my will with God's will.



This is a journal entry from Wednesday 1/15/14

This experience is teaching me new things. I put pressure on myself when I am coding. I think it bothers me when employers put pressure on me on top of that. I feel insulted as if they can't see how much I'm already pressuring myself, so they t think I need more. In my mind, managers have nothing better to do than put on the pressure.

I'm not sure how much more I need to do before I'm ready to release my software. The next phases will help me generalize it to run on a desktop, iPhone, or android device.

I'm also trying to rev myself up for a phone interview. And I'm having my genitals pleasure mapped today.



This is a journal entry from Thursday 1/16/14

I'm trying to figure out how to prepare for the interview tomorrow. My emotions are negative. I'm afraid to even try. I feel under attack at interviews. I feel defensive. When I'm asked a question, I feel anxiety which keeps me from thinking.

In reality, it is as it has always been. I am guided to where I need to be. I am always guided to where I need to be. If this is my job, then it cannot be kept from me. Nothing can separate me from my prosperity, my next job. I have no way of knowing if this is that. But I can relax because whatever will be will be.

If I get this job, it will be OK. If I don't get this job, it will be OK. If I get this job, the people I interview with will be co-workers. I need to treat them like that to start. I need to change my attitude so that I don't see the interviewers as aggressors. They want to hire someone. They don't want to have to do any more interviews. I need to see these people as allies.



This is a journal entry from Friday 1/17/14

I'm spending more time thinking about this company than usual. I especially like the idea of having time to go to intensives as well as for vacations. If I'm going to find another job that gives me the income I need to support my mission, then I need to find a way to enjoy this process.

There's no reason not to enjoy this process. It's my chance to explore technology companies in Austin. It's a chance for me to learn how to present myself and communicate my skills.



I will put together an arsenal. I don't have to go into interviews blind. I can put together the tools I need in advance. I can practice using my tools until I am proficient.



This is a journal entry from Sunday 1/19/14

Good morning. Since I wanted to record my Orgasmic Yoga session for Joseph's new endeavor today, I wanted today to be spiritually focused. I don't know what that looks like, but I wanted to stay open to guidance from Spirit. I want to let my ego slumber.

Already, there feels like there is much to do, but that is not my spirituality. I know the Truth that this moment is eternal. I have all the time in the world and there is nothing to be done.

My intention is to step into my power. I'm learning more about that power. It was when I decided to step into my power that I could increase my confidence on interviews by preparing for them. I'm tracking down what I know and learning how to talk about it. Stepping into my power is also leading me to finish my time tracking software and make it available as an app. Stepping into my power is showing up and living with my supposed duality, where I can move from recording an Orgasmic Yoga session to writing software. These are not opposed to each other, but pursuing both keeps me out of either box.